Ahem.

Attention All:

I have not died. I am not taking the robe and committing myself to silence. I know all 2 readers of this were worried.

Life has been insanely busy, which is also a great excuse for 'I haven't made this a priority.'

I returned to school in July, which means 2+ hours of driving a day to get the kids to daycare. Birds arent even thinking about stirring at the hour I get up at now.

Aaaannnddd.. Im not single any more. Cue mushy love story about how we reconciled and are making it all work and are a real family now. Be sure to clean the puke off your computer screen to see the 'DELETE BLOG' button. Well, you all can go to H E DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS because I am ridiculously happy.

Life is crazy, and busy, and we are managing a family between two households and it really is hard. No, I am not stepping into a victim story or crying poor me. I really do love our crazy life! I am excited for when it settles down a bit into a better routine, and we can be in one household and not juggling school, work, daycare, kids AND double household chores.

Its amazing to look at how much I have done and grown in the last few years! I handle conflict in a much better way. But what fun would it be if I were perfect and had nothing left to improve on? Or at least that is what I tell myself everytime I beat myself up for slipping back into bad habits.

I am a work in progress, and I love it. And part of working on me is continuing to write and self-reflect. GULP.

I miss you, Journey Journal, and I miss you, people I pretend that actually read this. I miss sharing my life with you, everyone-and-no-one-at-the-same-time. So you get a commitment from me to pay more attention to this blog. But dont make me have comment conversations with myself again. Ahem.

Another Suggestion

All my books, decorations, furniture, everything material that people define their homes in, is in boxes piled in the basement of my parents house. Taller than I am. I often forget what I have stored down there, you know, outta sight outta mind.. But that's not really true because I think daily about something I'd love to have around me that would take me an hour long to find. Its easy enough to say, "Well just bring it up ya dummie!" but my space is crowded enough with just necessities.

I am going camping soon and in prep, I went searching for my camping things that I cannot live without.. tent.. sleeping bags.. electric lantern.. There were several open and scattered boxes of books left by my bored sister hell bent on finding something new to occupy her lazy summer vacation. I happened to knock one over while attempting to extract my tent from the deepest, darkest corner.

I found my diaries and journals from my teenage years. I KNOW. Of all things to spill all over it had to be the box of silly musings and OH EM GEE that boy looked at me today! It is the one box I would be embarrassed for people to find.. I can't believe my priorities were so shallow and how naïve I was. I would be truly embarrassed if people read those diaries. Yet I keep them to look back on, and I read and relive them every so often.

After storing those safely in a box hidden beneath several layers of belongings, I took a blank journal upstairs and didn't look back. Until I opened that journal and realize what a reflection of my WHOLE LIFE that was. Uh, holy crap.

My whole life has revolved around my past, my guilt for my past and my fears that I will repeat my past. I truly am embarrassed for the life I lived, the decisions I made, and for losing me in a sea of people. I would NEVER want someone to read the written proof that I was the kind of person who was obsessed, almost stalkerish, of a boy constantly. That I hated my sisters and wanted no relationship with them. That I would spout off every dirty word I'd ever heard at the top of my lungs when I thought no one could hear me. That I put my naked Barbie and Kens under a blanket and let them lay there for a while because I had no clue what grown ups really did at night. That I was too scared to even explore my own nether regions because only bad, unloved girls did that.

And now I have physical proof of me hanging onto my past, hiding it away and storing it, while trying to forget it and prevent any one else from seeing it.

You may have read a little bit before about my past and my struggles to move on and forgive and release myself from it. Its honestly the biggest hindrance to my spiritual journey. I've worked thru and understand that by not forgiving myself I live in fear, see everything thru a foggy glass and create avoidance behaviors that ultimately proof my fears correct and leave me on a death spiral, doomed to repeat my mistakes and focused around pain. I also know that when I hold onto my mistakes, they can't turn into lessons and I am essentially telling my creator that the grace and divinity he has given me isn't enough. Basically, holding on to my past equals bad stuff which leads to nuclear war. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

But I do know my past is a great teacher. My past mistakes are where all my lessons come from and teach me to be a better person. To be the woman of light I was created to be. And that is pretty great stuff! So to hide my diaries, tear out each page and burn them, may not be the most beneficial and definitely is not celebrating or honoring the space I was in that lead me to better space I'm in now. That diary is perfect in its imperfections, perfection in the moment it was written.

So with a new pair of eyes I read a few more entries and laughed my ever loving ass off. How could I ever had been so sure I was going to marry the kid who sat next to me at lunch? And the girls I played Winnie The Pooh with at recess didn't end up as bridesmaids at our wedding. I'm not at Harvard and honestly have no desire to ever go anymore. But the handwriting I adopted and practiced for hours so I could be as cool as the rich girls? CLASSIC.

I can read thru those diaries now and gain perspective on my life and habits. A historical view, if you will, on why I can't stand choker necklaces or purple press-on nails. I am grateful for the record I kept of all the times I wished I had different parents and straight teeth. And when my daughter baffles me with complaints about The Killers being old lady music, I can look back thru and have compassion for what she is experiencing.

So keep your old diaries, journals. Read them and laugh like they are a comic novel whose main character is creepily similar to you. Share stories of your rose bush secret club house near the willow tree. And learn from your fears that formed when your mom forgot to pick you up from school. Celebrate the life you have lived, and leave it where it belongs: in the past.

Just another suggestion that I deserve to follow myself!

Quote Me On That

I am absolutely certain God gives us beautiful mornings to center us and prepare us for our days.

It is the most beautiful day ever today! I spent hours just cuddling and walking around with my baby girl soaking up the post storm sky. The energy in the air is vibrant and peaceful. I have just been overfilled with gratitude and purpose all morning!

And then I realized what I had to do this morning. My Beauty is being watched by a friend of her father, a person I hold a grudge against still for the way she has treated me. I do not like this person one bit. Do I know my daughter will be taken care of? Sure. Am I terrified to leave her there and not be notified or communicated with if something goes wrong? Absolutely. I have been dreading these few days for weeks. Even thinking about it I get the worst knots in my stomach. I don't feel like I am able to call and check up on my daughter without attitude. No mom should ever be sitting at work feeling like that. And I thought we had a worked out a way around that, using the daughter as the babysitter instead, but I found out only last night that they pulled a fast one on me. Nope, I have to deal with this person.

So with the moment I've been dreading approaching quickly, I desperately needed some centering and to get back in touch with my Source. I know God created today so that I had the strength and conviction to stay true to who I am and treat EVERYONE with respect. Every time I felt the anxiety creeping up, I looked at the sky and remembered how gorgeous it is! It is a wonderful world and I don't get to let my fears and uncomfortableness create more problems.

And as I dropped off my daughter, I was greeted with a smile. I know it wasn't for me, it was for the Beauty I was carrying, but I felt all my worries and fears put to rest. I made up the worst possible situation in my mind and treated it like fact. They even ASKED me if it was ok if they text me while at work.
I know without a doubt, that if I had not had such a beautiful morning, I would have been cold and CREATED a miserable situation. Because I was kind and full of positive energy, they feel comfortable enough to communicate with me. And even when I feel drained from others, I know I can connect to the extra vibrations God put out today and fill back up on the beauty!

Yes, I am absolutely certain God gives us beautiful mornings to center us and prepare us for our days.
And you can quote me on that.

Keep My Eyes Instead

"The biggest disease this world suffers from is people feeling unloved."

- Princess Diana of Wales

I always seem to find the quotes exactly when I need them. I have felt the pain from feeling unloved and I would never wish that on my children. It is my job as their mother to provide comfort and safety to my kids and to love them always, so they can learn to love themselves. I've been thinking about lately how difference Booboo and Beauty are and the different ways they feel loved.

Booboo's language of love is playing with him. He thinks that whoever plays the most games with him loves him the most and who he needs to love the most. Probably not the most healthy, but the kid has made up his mind, and his working mama gets the rough end of that deal. Beauty on the other hand, she just wants eye contact. She wants direct and unbridled attention, like NOW, MOMMY. Look at me, Mom Mom Ma Mommy Mama Mom Mom oh there we go! Now I can squeal and dance and play now that you are looking at me!

Each with their unique personalities, but both equally deserving their language of love be met. Feeling unloved is a disease I've spent my whole life combating, and its one trait I don't want to pass onto my darlings. They can keep my eyes.

Healthy, Whole Family

My first thought when Booboo started acting out when we brought Beauty was home was that he missed our one on one time. Its the first thing people tell me, give him more alone attention, whether I ask for their input or not. But I really don't think that's what it is, and I promise this isn't coming from an afraid-to-be-wrong space. I've tried giving him more one on one time and attention, but he blows me off. I ask him if he wants to play a game with me or watch a movie with me and he tells me no. He literally blows me off and silly me I thought I had 10 more years before that would happen. Four going on fifteen! It doesn't seem to matter how much attention I give him, his attitude doesn't change. His attitude DOES change when I get him out of the house and get him physically active.

A big part is being 4 and full of energy and having an exhausted momma who doesn't want to run or even go anywhere. By the time people get here and can help watch the kids, I'm so tired and I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. I'm hoping getting my body back in balance and healed and eating healthy food will give me more energy. (Did you know that if you have an over-abundance of yeast in your body, you will eat more sugars, and every time you eat fruit or grains, you create alcohol in your intestines? Yeah. That minor yeast infection is looking a bit more important now.)

But with as little as he gets out at the moment, he acts out and then he gets in trouble. Mix that with my need to be in control (control what he does, when he can play, how loud he is, etc) and he feels completely out of control, so he uses anger to feel more in control. And I've tried giving him little decisions and having him earn up to bigger decisions, but I realized that is what my parents always did and it didn't work and it left me feeling out of control and lacking faith in myself and my abilities. Like I'm not capable of making my own decisions, always doubting myself and unable to make a decision. Those around me can TESTIFY of this! Shopping? Nightmare!

So the other morning I actually did a lil shorthand writing about it and I want him to have more freedom. Not even me "giving" him freedom, because its already his! God gave him that power and when I try to control it or take it away, I am sucking his energy out and he will develop life long ways of trying to get it back. Equals all unhealthy relationships. Ouch! Hits hard in my fear of being a bad mother and screwing up my kids..

I was pretty inspired by a couple photographers I met.. They seem so happy together. Sweetie this and sweetie that, and reading their blog and talking to the wife, I know they are getting some buttons pushed by their daughter. She's 3. I've been there, gotten the sunburn and bought the t shirt. I know how it can be.
I was always told and taught that you have to show the kid boundaries, but I think I took it too extreme and used it as an excuse to seek control externally. I was really touched by the way these parents ASKED her to do things and didn't force her. They convinced her. "Will you please move over here sweetie so I can get a picture of Booboo?" And I realize that's how the most powerful people in my life have worked with me. Especially teachers. I didn't HAVE to do the work, but my math test will probably be better if I do. Kinda the whole, attracting bees with honey rather than vinegar. Leading a horse to water but can't make em drink, so you drink water and talk about how cooling and refreshing it is and turn your back so the horse thinks you don't know it snuck a sip or two.

So I tried it a bit with Booboo this morning. He had certain chores he had to do before he could play games. And he said he didn't wanna do em. "Ok that's fine by me, but you have to do em before you can play." So he did em. I asked him for help and he said "No, I'm taking a break right now." "Ok, will you help me later?" And he said yes when he was done with his break. 20 min later he said he was done with his break and asked if he could play wii, and I reminded him that he said he would help me when he was done with his break. And he did it.

Usually I demand that the help I want be given NOW. And I keep being reminded of the typically marriage battle.. I would ask X to take out the trash and he wouldn't for days. I would always say, "If I wanted you to take out the trash sometime this week, I would say that! I asked you to take out the trash because it needs to be taken out NOW!" Yeah, I was winning no awards for Wife of the Year. But that is part of the difference in men and women I learned in a communication workshop. That's just another item on the to do list for him to accomplish when and how he wants. And if for some reason it truly, honestly needs to happen now, I can do it myself or explain and convince him why it needs to be done sooner(garbage man is down the street and if we miss him the can is going to overflow).

I see how my fears and insecurities have created the exact same thing and cycle in Booboo.. And I'm pretty damn grateful to The Phoenix Paradigm for showing me the tools so I can figure stuff like this out. Before its too late.

Its a step or two closer to a healthy whole family.

Come to Peace

“Every woman is a rebel, and usually in wild revolt against herself.”

-Oscar Wilde


(Ok, one more about love..)

I am a glutton for punishment. Seriously.

Talk about revolting against one's self.

So many times a day, there are things I WANT to say, and things I KNOW I SHOULDN'T say. Like today. I flirt, when I know it will only create awkwardness eventually. It may not be today, tomorrow may be lots of fun too. But it will come.

Being a single woman who ultimately WANTS to stay single for a bit longer, who has A LOT to figure out before getting into a relationship, is really hard sometimes. Because there is a HUGE part of me that really wants the cuddling. The sex. The KISSING. Soooo.. I flirt. When I know I shouldnt. When Im not sure he even wants me to.

I have erased the same text message 10 times. It took 20 minutes and a very forced hand to say "Ok." instead of "Jump in this shower with me and find out what a dirty girl I am."

TMI? Probably.

Like I said. REBEL WOMAN RIGHT HERE.

Why do I revolt against myself? Because the revolting feels so good. At least temporarily..

Its time I honor my higher self. Stop torturing myself and making my sleepless, alone nights terrible! I am happy being single. I feel the best when I love myself, and realize I dont need someone holding me to feel secure! I have platonic love all around me and IT IS ENOUGH.

Time for this civil war to come to PEACE!

Bedtime vs Family time

Last night, true to American fashion, I was drinking beer and playing "Redneck Life" with my sisters, my new brother, Beauty and her daddy. Perfect 4th of July!

It was getting late and Beauty was getting tired and a bit cranky. I put her on my shoulder, her favorite position when not eating, and she was calming down and starting to drift. Suddenly she started talking and squealing and looking down the dark hall behind me. When her daddy stood in front of her, she moved to look around him. She was having an intimate conversation with someone we couldn't see..

I tuned into my heart to feel who it was and I felt a familiar spirit, the same one I felt at Pappy's funeral. Immediately I felt he had come for her baby blessing that morning and waited and waited in the shadows until everything calmed down and they could talk. At dusk right before bed. It was PERFECT.

E seemed to disagree, and I guess he would know better than me, Pappy is his father after all. So maybe it was another one of her angels. Whoever it was, he said, its time to let her get her Beauty-sleep.

Which poses a question to me. When is it time to call it quits on playtime and when is it ok to put off bedtime? I love hearing my baby girl squeal and talk, especially with her parents or grandparents, but when is it time to intercede and call it bedtime?

And this goes for Booboo as well-when is it ok to let him stay up late, and how late? He needs time with family, dead or alive.. At what point does the late night family time start to damage him, if ever? I used to stay up late all the time and look at me! I'm fine!

..er, ok maybe don't use me for an example.

I'm tempted to let the play go on for hours because I know, I will miss it when its gone. How many chances is she going to have for a powerful conversation with her angels? And she may be over this adorable squealing thing tomorrow morning. SAD THOUGHT!

I guess that's why her daddy is my perfect partner in raising her! Somewhere between us I'm sure we will find a balance that is best for her.

Notes To Self From First Workout Post Baby

Just because all the doctors finally gave you clearance doesn't mean they meant you could run a marathon.

Hydrate BEFOREHAND. Then rehydrate.

Running with breasts full of milk hurts and needs more support.

Wearing all gym clothes as pajamas means running in baggy clothes and almost getting captured by the machines.

Thinking about how you don't fit into your favorite swimming suit does NOT motivate to run faster. Only leads to frustration and mumbling.

A 'good workout' typically does not include falling over when you stop and swearing like Uncle C after Christmas shots.

If you can hear you singing Madonna over the radio, everyone upstairs probably can too. Expect a chorus of "we are living in a material world, and you are a material girl!" as you open the door.

You will regret that candy bar you ate for lunch.

Same for that soda.

And no, you cannot have another soda because you burned the calories from the first one.

Kids are napping. You worked yourself exhausted. Just as they get up full of energy. Yeah, good plan.

DO THIS MORE OFTEN and your body will forgive you, thank you even.



Wow, that chick is pretty smart. I should have listened to her. Except for that soda part.. She's nuts. Cheers!

Fair Share of Momhood

During our early morning play session, I stood Beauty up while I was laying on the bed. Pretty normal, she loves looking down and I love staying in bed at 6 am. She got a funny look on her face, so I grabbed a rag and caught the suspected spit up.

Ninja-like reflexes of the Mommy kind.

It would have landed right on my face, possibly in my gaping open mouth as I made ridiculous faces and sounds to make her smile and dance. Almost everyone I know has had that experience of spit up in their mouth, but not me. I've always been too paranoid.. Like this morning, I wasn't sure.. that funny look could mean 20 different things.. but I grabbed a rag to be safe. And I was right. But I wonder if I am missing out on an important part of parenthood.. The right to tell my daughter in 10 years, "Hey, I don't want to hear it! I changed your diapers! I pushed your almost 8 pounds out of my vagina! You spit up in my mouth!"

She has gotten close a few times with her milky drool bombs, but still I catch up. All of them. And that is quite a feat. Beauty is the most drooly baby I have ever seen. At 1 month old, she drooled as much as Booboo did at 4 months while teething, and I had to swim to his crib every morning to save him from drowning. SO MUCH DROOL. I feel sharp little knobs in Beauty's gums and I seriously think she is trying to teeth. But those baby teeth need the grown up teeth to push em out and its just not happening. She is worse than a bulldog.

Drool monster of the baby kind.

But I still don't let it drop into my mouth.

Although she has gotten me with the poop. Booboo used to pee on my mom or his dad every time they took off his diapers. It used to be quite the production for some else to change him, and I would laugh hysterically until I felll on the floor. EVERYTIME. He didn't ever pee on me. Not once. Not even into my mouth, he saved that for Grandma. But Beauty poops when I wipe her bum. PROJECTILE.

As I lift up her legs and bum to finish cleaning her, with no warning, she projectile poops all up my hand and arm. The yellow squirts would have reached my face, I'm quite sure, if I hadn't immediately stuck my hand over it to stop the fountain of disgustingness. Just like my first time playing with a boy in the back of a car. True story.

She hasn't just soaked my hand in poop once. She has done it a few times, each with less warning signs than before. Luckily now, her poops are a bit more solid and less squirty. But still. I know Heather at Dooce claims to have the Olympic Medal pooper, but she hasn't seen this kid.

I keep 2 full outfits, socks and bows even, in the diaper bag at all times because I know that in that 10 minute run to the store she will blow out and it will get EVERYTHING. It doesn't matter if I change her the moment we are leaving, she will poop again. Explosively. And sometimes, she will do it again. I think she enjoys watching me sprint to the bathroom. Booboo finds it hilarious, that's for sure.

Single mom with two little ones. Don't get in my way when I'm headed to the bathroom. Or the laundry room.

So I don't feel to awfully bad about shoving a rag in her face when she is looking awfully sharing. I've had my fair share of momhood already.

In The Most Humble Way

Today I went to my school to get some papers and student loan stuff figured out in prep before I go back in a couple weeks. I took my Beauty in to show her to all the girls who anxiously awaited her arrival with me. Honestly? I was dreading going in. I felt abandoned by them all. I hadn't heard from them in months, and even when I saw the headmaster at the grocery store, she didn't remember me. Plus, I was TERRIFIED that something was going to be wrong with my paperwork.

But as I swallowed the bullet, got there early, and walked in the door, I was given the greatest welcome I could want! Hugs all around, congratulations, and even an apology by the headmaster! Beauty was all smiles and giggles while flirting with all the girls I'm so glad to call my friends!

While I was visiting and talking with my classmates, a sales rep walked in to do a sales pitch/lesson on essential oils. He happened to be a licensed herbalist with 25+ years of experience behind him. I was invited to stay for the presentation. Um, SOLD! I love me some essential oils!!!

I learned so much not just on essential oils but about probiotics and natural body regulation processes. Can I tell you guys enough how much I love that there are no such thing as coincidences! Beauty happens to have thrush, and (TMI warning) I am having a couple different yeast problems myself. Probiotics and treating yeast has been on the forefront of my mind for the past 2 weeks. Its too early to talk too much in detail as I haven't decided what I am going to do, but let's just say that he was so convincing that I am considering becoming a rep myself. Talk about a job that would go hand in hand with my esthetician goals! (And that I could do from home.. VERY IMPORTANT!!!)

As I left the school and headed home, I made a quick stop so Beauty could give her daddy snuggles during lunch. I definitely know the power she has to lift the energy and love mid-day! And he deserves that light at work, especially if its on my way. He only had 5 minutes max to spend with her, but our brief encounter was enough to prompt a text to me moments after I left to say that he hasn't seen my energy that alive since March except for with the kiddies. I radiated, essentially.

I absolutely felt different.. energized, full of purpose, determined, able, HAPPY. It didn't sink in that such a change had overcome my heart until he said something. Thank God! I am so grateful to have people in my life willing to give me feedback, especially negative but also especially positive!!!

I KNOW the whole body wellness route is how I'm meant to live my purpose. Proof is in the results! I had forgotten, especially while on maternity leave. I am so excited that I remembered!!! I really am a Divine! Loving! Creative! Passionate!!! WOMAN of light!!!!!!

YAY for me! (In the most humble way, of course!)

Fathers Day

I am feeling particularly blessed on this Father's Day.

I have two very special men in my life who fathered my bugs. They both love their children more than I could ever explain. I see the affection and leadership they offer as a twinkle as they gaze at their babies. I am so lucky that both of my children are so loved. And even when Booboo's dad stepped out of the picture for a little while, E stepped in and held his hand as life threw several curveballs. I am so glad that fatherhood comes so easily to him.

What I appreciate the most is the support of those men that allows me to be a good mom. I need a break? I ask and most of the time, I get it. I have surgery, or have a baby, or just feel like I was ran over by a garbage truck, both men have taken their kids and brought them back to me. Seriously, I am so grateful.

And I love that both my kids were conceived in such love. Each was my best friend, my whole world.

I am very grateful for my own father as well. He shares his knowledge and love so willingly, and supports me when I am hanging on by a thread. The compassion in his eyes when I am in pain says it all. I love my daddy so very much.

So thank you, all the men and fathers in my life. Thank you for providing that male energy in my life when I was unable to supply it myself. You all will have such a special place in my heart. Today, I celebrate your light.

Hear Me Roar!

I've been meaning to read The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield for almost 2 years now. I knew Pappy, my daughter's paternal grandfather, had a copy but I was always too proud to ask to borrow it. Now that he has past, I thought my chance had past with him. I was assisting at his estate sale a few weeks ago, and while we were cleaning up, I ran across the book. His family graciously allowed me to have it and I starting reading it the very next day. I finished it that same day. I seriously couldnt put it down!

It presents many insights as part of a story that was as intriguing and relatable as it was an adventure. It linked with my heart quickly, as it spoke of "coincidences" and the importance in our lives. I recieved the book as part of a string of "coincidences," and they continued to multiply as I read more and more, just as the book said they would! Ive know for a long time there is no such thing as coincidences, that the Universe presents things in an interlinked, destined way. But to see it happening in my life! The perfect friend calling at the perfect time to talk about EXACTLY what you were just thinking about. A reminder to get my car registered days before a police officer pulls up behind me. And it has just snowballed, starting with the book.

My favorite Ah-ha! is about male and female energies and becoming a perfectly round human being. Shocker, I know. But I never truly understood this before! Each of us have male and female sides, with one side being more prominent than the other. I am female, but I need my male side to balance me out. I know that my tendancy is to fill that male side with a male.. resulting in a power struggling, chaotic, painful relationship that ALWAYS leads to heartbreak and disappointment. My half-self, female, with another half person-sure, together we make a whole but we only have the joy and health of one person as well, both fighting to be whole and take it all, at the expense of the other. NOT GOOD. So Ive know for a while that I need to be a whole, healthy person before going into a relationship with another whole, healthy person so we can be a super-person, as the book said.

What I havent realized is that in my study and work to be a whole person, I've forgot about an ENTIRE SIDE OF ME. My male side! I often project, see the need of men to embrace their feminine sides, knowing that is how they can acheive happiness and stop seeking attention from women. I see it perfectly clear for them! How ignorant and blind I have been to my own path! I didn't WANT to see where I needed work!

In fact, I have been so consumed by owning and being my female power, that I dont even know what is my male side. What are male qualities? Power? Strength? Leader? Even saying those I immediate think, those are womanly qualities too! I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR!

But.. they arent feminine qualities, are they.. and there is the difference. My masculine side is crying out for some attention. I am a mother, a nurturer, a lover. But in my quest to complete my circle, I must be my strong, ambitious, leader self as well! And that perhaps is the point of being WOMAN! ..to be both energies at once, not just my prominent female. And Ive been so confused this whole time!

This insight comes at the perfect time in my life, OF COURSE! Just as I am figuring out how to take on my life as an independent woman, I know I can do it as a whole, healthy human! Seriously, the book is awesome. And I hope my spirit travels with the book as it finds the next person to teach and enlighten, just as all my muses traveled and encircled me while I read every page.

Thanks Pappy, I love you!

Chosing To Blossom

"And then the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom"

-Anais Nin

A long time ago.. ok, not so long, more like last fall.. I was told that I wasn't ready to create the life I dreamed about. And when the pain of the life I was living got to be enough, I would make the appropriate changes. That smart man was absolutely correct.

Pain is a very powerful motivator for me, unfortunately. It drives me to screw my life up and to fix it again. I want to avoid pain so much that I hurt those around me consistently while trying to protect myself. Like when I cut a friend from my life for fear of continued criticism.

Yet, I know how powerful the drive of true happiness can be as well. I just forget. In the moment, I lose sight of the bigger picture, I forget what brings me joy and just try to avoid pain. With my life as proof, I know that avoiding pain is the quickest way to bring more pain into my life. Avoiding pain and seeking pleasure are NOT the same thing, despite how much easier that would make my life. Seriously.

When you come down to it, its simply a choice! I have the choice to hide my beauty in a bud or I can take the scary risk and blossom. In that moment, I get to chose what I focus on, being afraid or bringing the light.

And that is something I get to practice more.. Maybe I should tattoo it to the back of my hand so I remember moment to moment..

Breast Is Best..Sometimes..

As I start this latest round of my medical Journey, I face new challenges and views as a nursing mother.

Nursing this time is really important to me. With Booboo, I couldn't produce enough milk and had to do supplement with half formula. When I had my wisdom teeth out and needed pain meds (and to sleep for 2 days straight), he was 5 months old and I figured it was ok to let my milk finish depleting. He was mostly a formula baby from hospital on anyway. I really feel like I missed out on an incredible experience of nursing him. Frankly, I felt like I was an incomplete WOMAN and a horrible mother.

So this time, I have been DETERMINED to make breastfeeding work. I'm not 17 anymore, my breasts are capable, and I just need the support of those around me to make it work. I have read thousands of articles of how to get the most from breastfeeding, all the important nutrients and antibodies that only breast milk provides, the lifelong benefits, physical and emotional, of breastfeeding. I get it. I'm convinced. This is the most important thing I can do for my baby.

And it was going pretty damn good! I was thrilled that I was producing enough milk for her, and even saving a little for a rainy day. The world revolved around her feeding schedule, and it was always priority numero uno. I bought (well, insurance bought) a kick ass breast pump from Medela that made it possible to feed her even while maintaining a wild, crazy, busy life on the town every weekend. Her dad got to feed her occasionally too.

But the best part was the feeling. I was providing enough for my baby. I was giving her the best possible diet. She smiled and coo'd at me after I fed her, and she snuggled up close to me during every feeding, soaking up and loving the feeling of my skin. Holding my baby to my belly and feeling her suck released every possible endorphin my body makes, I swear. I LOVE breastfeeding and did everything to make sure I could continue. Even when she developed reflux and I learned there were some of my favorite things that I could cut from my diet to make it easier, I did it. Done. Eggs? Buhbye. Chocolate?? Maybe later. MILK???? Rice milk isn't too bad is it..blagh!

You will soon learn why milk deserves four question marks. Its my favorite meal.

But now I wonder if I was too obsessed and overcome by the drive to breastfeed. The Universe decided that now was the time I needed to have my gallbladder kick the bucket, which means lots of meds and surgery.

This stirred a huge debate among people in my life. Which meds are ok to pay to Beauty via breast milk? Prescription pain medication containing codeine was the initial concern. The doctors said it was ok. The pharmacist said it was ok. The Emergency Room doctor said even the morphine was ok. Beauty's father, E, was NOT ok with it however. Friends initially were very against the idea as well.

All the research I found represented 3 main viewpoints: The doctors (Its ok to let it pass), the drug companies and pharmacists (Listen to the doctors), and the mothers (DO NOT BREASTFEED AT ALL). Some articles(mothers) said that research on how much passes and the effects were very inconclusive so err on the safe side and don't do it. They said that no one could be sure how long until the drug would not enter the breast milk any more. Other research I found from the AAP (doctors) said that by 3 hours after taking the medication that less than 1% of the drug even enters the milk, and to treat it like I do alcohol.

I decided that I am ok feeding her if I pump the first feeding following taking the pill, and I do not allow a mass amount to store in my body. Research was less favorable for morphine, so I decided to pump and dump for 15 hours before feeding her again and watched her closely. She never showed any signs of receiving medication, being sleepy or delirious. E and friends still disagreed and did not support my decision, until they heard from a former addict.

She said that in her extensive experience with prescription pain medication, one or two pills a day, taken a few hours before the next feeding, had no effect on her kids while she was breastfeeding. It convinced quite a few minds, and my plan was a lot less far-fetched.

But the question posed to me still haunts my mind: "Really? You are ok put that drug in your daughter's body?"

Que every "I'm a horrible horrible mother" thought I've ever had.

And I guess the answer is yes, as long as it doesn't effect her, I am ok with it. But it makes me wonder, is it just the codeine that makes us worry about passing it on? After all, it is only codeine and half a dose of tylenol. That is one pain pill. And no one seems to worry about taking max doses of ibuprofen and tylenol while nursing. That is all I had after giving birth, max tylenol and ibuprofen every 4-6 hours. Not one nurse, doctor, friend, or concerned writer on the Internet seemed concerned about that passing to my daughter. So is it just the codeine?

As my son has gotten older, I actually welcome the codeine in his cough medicine. I love that it helps him sleep thru the night and offers a break from the constant misery that colds bring on. Its been that way as long as I can remember. Most moms and dads I know feel the same way. So where does it change? When does it become ok to give kids codeine? Or even antibiotics?

When I had to take antibiotics prior to my surgery, I quit breastfeeding altogether and turned to formula and using up the storage I had acquired. Antibiotics are scary to me, and there is so much unknown about them, that the risk of passing it to her and her acquiring an immunity to antibiotics was much too high to justify feeding her. But it makes me wonder, why am I concerned about what I am putting in her body but not mine??

I am so concerned about giving her the best possible food. Giving her healthy breast milk that will not induce reflux or vomitting. I eat healthy foods and take my vitamins so I can pass along the nutrients. I am concerned about the negative things I am passing along, but the benefits of breastfeeding have outweighed the minimal risks of the medication. But why don't I put this much care into my own nutrients and risks and benefits?

What are your thoughts on the issue? Do you think about what you put in your own body? Do you take whatever drug the doctor tells you to, or do you hesitate? If you don't take the prescription, what do you take? Where is the line between "harmless drugs" like tylenol and risky drugs? Do you feel like a bad parent by doing or not doing what the doctor says?

Surgery Equals Fear

So.. I'm having surgery next week sometime.

Last Wednesday, as I was writing a post in fact, I felt a familiar pain start creeping into my stomach and chest. Ive had a few episodes but they quickly went away and I assumed it was heartburn or really backed up constipation or something. This time was different. The pain was starting to get really intense so I scooped up Beauty and hobbled down the stairs as fast as I could. I called to my sister to take the baby and I collapsed on the floor, rolling around in agony. I was screaming and yelling and crying and trying every position I could think of to relieve the pain. After a few minutes my mom asked me if I needed to see a doctor, and I decline. She offered several more times and it took several more upswings of pain to convince me I needed to go.

I threw some pins in my hair to hold back the rocker locks and put on the closest shoes. I made a couple calls to make sure my kids were going to be taken care of but had to hang up on them so they didn't hear me yelling out every curse word I know and calling for my mommy in between the few gasp of air I could force into my tight chest. I couldn't wait any longer. We were headed for the nearest Instacare. The pain went down a little in the car but the nausea kicked in. I thought I was going to die right there in the front seat. Quick detour to the hospital and I collapsed on the front desk of the Emergency Room.

They checked me in quickly and got me to a bed. First question? "You didn't drive yourself here did you?!?" The hunky firefighter nurse asked me what the pain felt like and he tried to not laugh at my response.. It felt like my stomach had ate itself, wasn't satisfied so it went after all my other organs, and then the claw from the Toy Shoppe machine rip my overfull stomach from the center of my core. He gave me the lovely morphine, least I could do was make him smile that gorgeous smile.

Aaaahhhhhh.. (hey I'm a single gal and looks like I will be for quite some time, leave me to my fantasies!)

It was pretty easy to guess that my gallbladder had given up. The ultrasound confirmed and my doctor was trying to book me a surgery for the next morning. Just as I give in and start figuring out options for watching the kids, we find out the OR board is completely booked. Damn. So I have to wait to see a specialist surgeon until next week and then wait even longer to see when he can book my surgery. In the meantime, I have a diet from hell to prevent another attack and all the worry I can muster.

I am in constant pain, it has decreased to a bearable level but still wearing me down. The nausea and dizziness has taken over most of my symptom space. But the most captivating? The soul shattering fear.

I am shaking thinking about the endless possibilities of how things could go wrong. And I know that being in fear, I am not living as my highest self. Yet how do I move past the fear? How do you conquer your fear of death? Fear of pain? Fear of being ill?

Perhaps by being present I can quash some of that fear. Living the moments I do have. But I can't help but go back to the image of my kids crying for Mommy and not being able to pick them up..

I need a hug.

Seeking Forgiveness

There has been a long standing debate between and within my friends about "I'm sorry" and "I apologize." Some even refuse both and say something along the lines of, "I'm accountable for what I did and I commit to not do it again." Ive often wondered where I sit between all of these options and here are my thoughts.

I understand not wanting to succumb to the normal apologetic responses. They are over-worked and essentially meaningless to some people. How many times were we all forced to apologize to people as kids? "Say you're sorry to Mr. Johnson, Timmy!" And grumble out a half-hearted sorry to the man standing there with an expectant hand on his hip. And the feelings associated with being a sorry person, like I am a lesser person than the one I am apologizing to.

"I apologize" has always held a forced and sarcastic undertone for me so I've avoided using it and not trusted those who have used it. I get that it is me that who is assigned value and misinterpreting the message. Yet it is still over-used and insincere by most expressing it.

So to express heartfelt apologies to those we have hurt or offended, we resort to using superlatives to show how really super truly so very sorry we are. Like that makes people believe me more and show that I am once again trustworthy?

This dilemma of apologizing and in conjunction, seeking forgiveness, has spread poisonous threads further thru my life. My uncomfortableness and confusion over expressing my heart, mixed with my huge fear of being wrong and therefore alone, I usually end up not saying anything at all. Or, if I do say something, it comes out distorted and I offend people even worse. I know that if I conquer my fear of being alone, and become at peace (or even excited!) with the prospect of being wrong, I will not hesitate as much. Yet Im still stumped as to what will convey how much I wish I could take back what I did and my determination to be better.

I am not granted forgiveness, for this and a slew of other reasons. As long as I make the proper changes within myself, what does it matter, right? Here is where the poison spreads.. I learned a month or two ago that I base my forgiveness of MYSELF on gaining the forgiveness of others. If others do not forgive me, I am unworthy of ALL forgiveness. I learned that a huge part of living a healthy life and breaking my avoidance cycles is letting go of my past and forgiving myself!

My past reminds me of what a horrible person I am and reaffirms my negative self-talk that I SUCK. So I step into my power, remember who I really am and that I ROCK! But without forgiveness of myself, my past keeps creeping up and sinking its talons into my happiness and dragging me back to my pit.

I've been actively working on forgiving myself, and not basing my forgiveness on OTHERS. I get to be the star in my life! I decide if I'm forgiven or not! I give myself the forgiveness, because I have all the love and faith in myself I could ask for! So without the stress and NEED to gain approval, I'm not afraid to be accountable for my actions! I dont stress about my apologies as much!

So I come back to the debate over how to express it, while being healthy and loving myself. Recently I was really rude to someone I love. While I was asking for forgiveness from them, I knew I needed to forgive myself as well. So how do I ask for forgiveness while instantaneously forgiving myself? Does my forgiveness of myself taint or diminish my apology?

What does "I'm sorry" mean anyway? I am literally saying, I am SORRY. I am defining who I am by the word sorry. What do you think of when I ask you to think of "a sorry man?" I think of a miserable, lonely bum who has reached an awful point of life. I do NOT want to define my being as "sorry." I am a divine, loving, creative, passionate woman of light! No where in there coincides with sorry.

Even "I feel sorry" sounds like I am lowering my light, instead of honoring the awesome person I am. I am agreeing with my icky ego when it tells me I SUCK.

I get to live as I ROCK! I AM awesome, even mid-apology. I get to apologize, genuine and heartfelt, and offer myself the forgiveness I seek. If I don't get that forgiveness from them, then I hope they find peace, for their own sake.

So among my several recent attempts at finding a balance of self-love and forgiveness, while being accountable to those I have caused pain, I have found this to bring the most light to my life:

I apologize for what I've done, and I realize that I was wrong. You don't deserve for me to degrade and belittle you and it wasn't my intention to hurt you. I will be more aware of what I'm doing and your feelings so this does not happen again.

And I mean it with all my heart. Because I am not changing FOR them, Im making myself better because I WANT TO. I forgive myself for making a mistake and am determined to learn from it. So I feel good expressing my apologies in that way without SEEKING forgiveness! If it happens, I am grateful! If not, I am at peace still! And I am excited at how much MORE AWESOME I AM by choosing better!

A Note About Changes Coming Before I Shower

There are some exciting major changes a-blowin' here!

I will no longer be engaging in rants that berate and belittle others. This is MY journey and my life and while there are a lot of people who are a part of my life, they get to feel safe. I will not be erasing the past entries. They are my past and I do not regret it. I apologize to those who may have been hurt by them however and pray they will forgive me. But I get to step into a whole new light and role! So as a reader, please do not be afraid of a draining negativity from this blog anymore. I choose to be a positive force in all my doings from now on! WHOOAAHHH for being a CREATOR!

The name situation has been confusing even for me, so I am seeking permanent names for those I write about. I have a son, Booboo, who is 4 and the energy beam of my life. My daughter, Beauty, was born a few months ago and has brought amazing peace to our family. Other names will be declared as I get permission to include them on my journey.

This blog will soon change addresses and have a makeover (I know, another one?? hahaha). It will also feature my photography portfolio and a store to purchase prints of my art. Im having surgery soon, so the switch wont happen for at least a few weeks.

But first, a shower. I know. You can smell me from there. Your nasal passages will be relieved soon.

Enjoying Motherhood

Fear hides who I truly am. When I live in fear, I am hiding who I am from the world and I become someone I truly detest. Boring. Flaky. Fake. Scared. Alone.

Because fear crushes passion. (Huge insight into why my love life has so many problems!)

But that applies to ALL aspects of my life. Reading letters I wrote a long time ago, when I was happy and living from a space of love, I expressed my excitement to see my son. I was sick to my stomach as I could feel the love I had for him reaching off the page. It had been so long since I had been so passionate about my son. I'm ashamed to say I chose to make parenting him a chore rather than a privilege and pleasure. I looked forward to my days alone and resented his misbehavior.

I know he may one day read this and be hurt to hear the truth. But I know that he already feels the effects of my choice. He seeks attention and approval and I've made him fear upsetting me. I've already put him on a death spiral headed straight for a life of pain. No wonder giving him attention and time doesn't make a difference-he feels my anger and resentment and misery spending time with him.

And he can thank his new sister for opening my eyes to what I've been doing. How could I forget how much I love my little man?!? How could I forget the tears of absolute joy as he left my womb and entered the world?!? Having a new baby that I love so much has renewed my love and appreciation for his unique sweet spirit. And now when he cries for mommy, my heart breaks and I want to cradle him in my arms again. No more "is it bedtime yet?" bull shit!!!

I can finally say, my son is THE shit, not A shit, for testing my patience and misbehaving! He has given me so many opportunities to learn and I am 100% grateful for him for the first time!

I enjoy motherhood a thousand time more now that my eyes have been opened. And what a time because I now am so blessed to be mothering two amazing Bugs! This new angel has changed everything. Im loving it.

Its Not You, Its Me

This blog has served me quite a bit over the past year. It has caused some tension in my life, but also been a huge release. I'm so grateful for the insight and love it has provided me. While reading it I relearn things and smile at the growth I've made. But I also grimace at the sad twist it seems to have made.. Probably half of the things I've published have been about the ups and downs of my love life. It is the perfect window into my life, showing how much my world revolves around OTHERS. As if others are responsible for my happiness and sorrow, my decisions and choices, who I am and who I am meant to be. I get to take some major accountability here. I have let my world fall to ruins because I expected others to make me a happy, healthy and whole person instead of claiming my power and DOING it!

Today is the one year anniversary of what easily could be the most powerful day of my life. I did a ropes course that allowed me to commune with my angels, find the power I have within, and most importantly, pick up the relationship with God I had long since abandoned. So many lessons I learned that day, and since have forgotten again. To celebrate, I am embracing who I truly am and living my purpose. I am meant to beautify, inspire, and heal the world, one ripple at a time. And to fulfill my destiny, I must know who I am and not be afraid to be it.

My life coach's wife is one of the most amazing people I know. She inspires me in ways I don't even comprehend. Their marriage is so pure that I am excited to one day create a relationship like that! She keeps her husband in check, which is hard to do in such a passionate and stubborn family (and I mean that with the utmost respect and love. I appreciate their stubbornness because I recognize it in myself as well). People who love this woman as much as I do and I were discussing WHY every one just loves her. What is it about her that attracts the world in to admire her? I believe it is because she knows who she is and lives it! She is herself every single moment. Is she perfect? Hell no, and I wouldn't ever want her to be. I love her spirit that emanates thru out her entire being and gives pulse to the life around her. I admire her greatly and she inspires me to let go of the fears holding me back and live as the passionate person I am!

So I get to be myself and recognize the power I have within. So blog, we are going to travel down a new path. The old you is being left in the past. Its not you, its me. I'm growing up and you are gonna have to grow with me.

Come On Contractions!

I am currently 39 weeks and 4 days pregnant, going on 10 years. I've reached the point where I feel like I'm going to be pregnant forever, growing bigger and lower every day. Soon I will have a belly that reaches my knees. I will have to home school my baby girl in womb, because it feels like she is NEVER going to come out. And God, you have one hell of an sense of humor. All the new pains that make me wonder and google for hours IS THIS IT? Is this what it feels like to go into labor on my own?

My delivery with Booboo was a great experience, but it was four and a half years ago and very medicalized. I was induced on my due date with him. At my 40 week appointment, my doctor asked if I would like to be induced. I was 17, miserable, and well aware that given this was my first delivery and my family history of very late babies, I most likely would be induced eventually anyway. My doctor also told me it would be for the baby's best interest-to avoid meconium in womb. But I had been dilating and effacing since 34 weeks, and was already 100% effaced and at a 2.5 cm range. And by the time I got to the hospital that night to be induced, I was at a 3.

So I've given birth before, but I don't know what to expect actual labor pains to feel like. And just when I start feeling things that people tell me to watch for (menstrual cramp feelings, back pains, or actual contracting of my uterus) I get excited that this could be it! Is this what you were talking about? I'm feeling lots of pain, so bring on the baby! Ill be preparing, packing my bag, and then it will stop. Suddenly. Not a damn thing happening. COME ON!!! Haven't I done my time yet???

Now would probably be a great time to deeply learn some patience.

And probably an even better time to practice my labor techniques. Each time these pains start, I moan, and uuuggghhhh my way thru them. I lean over the kitchen counter and lay my head on the cool top and wait for it to end. I completely forget about the breathing and meditating and visualizing things that I have in my labor arsenal. I do remember one tiny little fact tho, every time. 20% of pain is the physical sensation. 80% is the mental power I give the pain-most often in the form of fear. So is this pain really that bad? No, not really. I lay on that counter and think, this is nothing. I can totally do this thing. Now please just be more frequent and strong so I can hold my baby girl in a few hours!!!

Lost My Flame

Um..... so.....

I found some very old random lines of poetry and old love letters on my dinosaur of a laptop..

They arent very good, and I COULD take the time to edit them and perfect them but it would ruin the place I was in when I wrote them. They were last updated December 2008.

Here goes..



Between Head and Heart

Its extinct
Is it really?
I have to accept that it is.
Do you really?
I don’t know.
He said so

It cannot be.
I couldn’t see!
So everything is gone?
Not for long.
Love remains unscathed from mistakes.
Yet its not enough to prevent forsake
If that is not, what actions are??
I know of no things anymore

You know yourself.
I never knew who I could be until his touch
I never knew what I was missing til he came along
I never knew what I was losing til he was already gone.
I never knew depths in my heart could love so much
Im on a shelf

Why did you keep playing the game?
Sigh. Life will never be the same
You understand what you did wrong?
Didn’t cherish where I belong.

So what do you do?
I am going to strive to learn
Tho it does not stifle the yearn

I wish my life was joined with his.




And a letter..


My Dearest,

I love you so much.

My life has found its place with you. That night when you walked up to me, my heart fluttered in a way I never knew it could. My soul recognized you as its counterpart. I want to be so perfect for you; I want to be as wonderful for you as you are for me. I love the man you are. Im so thankful for the experiences you have had. I am so happy with you and cant imagine how much I would be missing if I let my head take control. You told me to listen to my heart only and it has moved me into your arms. I love you as my family.

Every time we make love, we reconnect in a way only souls recognize. Every part of me wants and loves every part of you. I KNOW that our future is going to be amazing. It is going to be rough but we will make it. We already have. I trust the Universe to provide for our love. I have never been so sure about anything in my entire life before. I want you

Forever and ever
For all time and all ways. Its never too good to be true.
Ive never been so sure.

Love.
-Me


And then I read the letters that he and I wrote to each other while I was gone on my cruise January 2009. Im not going to post them here, but the connection that he and I felt.. the passion.. I truly didnt realize how much I let that slip away. Where did the poetry go? The dancing? The giggling? The sex? THE DRIVE TO LIVE LIFE?!?!?!?

Even in heartbreak I have lost my flame.

March 2010

Letter to my little bugs

Dear Taterbug, (Beauty)

Your Pappy has just passed away, days before you are due to be born. The world has suffered a great loss, and your Daddy's family feels it the most.

My very first thought when I heard the news of his passing was that he was no longer going to be there at the hospital when you are born. I don't get to capture the moment he first held you on film, and I am very sad about that.

He was so looking forward to meeting you, and you held a very special place in his heart. You are the first grandchild to carry on his name, his legacy. You will have the same twinkling eyes behind those rosy cheeks, just like Pappy and your Daddy. So carry them proudly, and remember the rich heritage it represents.

He felt you move in Mommy's belly for the first time just a week before he went back to heaven. I cant even describe the excitement and light in his eyes as you and him connected for the first time in this physical realm. The love he has for you radiated thru his hands and teary eyes.

But he has always loved you, always will, and still does at this very moment. I am so grateful to your Pappy because I know he will always be there, being an angel to my precious angelbug. I know that he left this physical existence at this moment specifically so that he could return to you in heaven, and help you prepare to meet your family here. He is holding your hand right now, telling you not to be scared, and telling you all the work he did during his time here, just to make way for you to learn the perfect lessons and have amazing experiences and be exactly the parts of special you want to be!

He is telling you what an amazing Daddy he raised for you, and how many people are waiting to love and guide you. He is telling you that he will always be there whenever you ask, helping you create miracles. And he is telling you all the ways your unique vibration is going to ripple out and change the world. And he is absolutely right. Your Pappy is a very smart spirit!

(And trust me Bugaboo, you will miss his long-winded talks when you cant hear them anymore. Luckily, your Daddy is so very much like him!)

Please know how much your family all loves your Pappy, and how blessed your life is because of his specialness. He has taught all of us, in so many ways, both in life and in death. I'm sad that you wont experience him in his physical form, but I know you can absolutely keep that relationship with his spirit thruout your life. You were an angel to him, and now it is his turn to be your angel. You are a lucky, lucky bug.


And my dear Boobug,(Booboo)

I don't think you can possibly understand how lucky you are to have known "Happy." He loved you and treated you as if you were his own grandson, his only grandson.

You have taught me so much as I grieve the loss of Happy. You have shown me that it is ok to be sad and cry, because it just means that I love him. You told me that Pappy was sleeping, a different kind of sleep that he wont wake up from, and that he was ok still. You told me that Happy's body was just going into a stone with his name on it, and that we could still go say "Hi" to him, and when we did that, you want to bring him a flower.

I don't know where you learned so much about death, because I am not very good with it. You are so enlightened, and you inspire me. I love your sincerity and honesty. You are full of love, no matter what. Even if you haven't seen Happy in months, you retain that innocent love. You get it, and I am so grateful and blessed to be your student.

Please know that he still loves you, and is still there for you, Boobug. Remember the times you had with him, playing cars before dinner, teasing you as silly old men do, and him wanting to know EVERY DETAIL about your Christmas morning. And remember always what you taught me: that he truly is "Happy" now.

Love always,
Mommy

He Sent Me Messengers

There were a lot of things I didnt know about seagulls until that day. I knew there was a message for me, a reason he sent those birds specifically to me, so I went searching. This author provided some very basic insight for me. The light bulb went off, and holy crap did he have many things for me to learn with one symbol. Even in death, he is a talented teacher.

The night I first met him, I was blown away by his humility and love for his son. He told me secretly, as we snuck away to truly meet, that out of all his children, The Love of My Life was his pride and joy, the one thing he feels he did right. He said that he could die that very night a happy and fulfilled man because his son was such an amazing person, and I heartily understood. He wasnt a perfect father by any means, but he was always there during the time I knew him. Always willing to help, always eager to give advice, and always ALWAYS himself. He admitted his shortcomings as a parent and was incredibly open to learning from his children in return. It made complete sense, then, why he would send the seagull to me. The gull is one of the rare birds that have guardians for the youth flocks, but not just any parent, the fathers in particular, to teach their young how to survive and protect them until they are fully grown.

One of the greatest things he has shown me is the BLESSING it is to learn from one's children. To further seal in that lesson, that very day Bug impacted me in a huge way. As I cry about my lost friend, my baby boy comforted me, and offered words so perfect and compassionate. He really got it, and had a much better understand of death than I do. I LEARNED from my son, and I humbly got to accept that lesson from him. I realized how little credit I give my Bugaboo, trying to shield him and thinking that I know best. I am so grateful, for both the example of that humility and eagerness to learn, and for both my Bugs who I have so much to learn from!

Another amazing fact about seagulls are their unique personalities. Finding Nemo may show them all as mindless eating zombies, but if you truly watch a flock of seagulls, each has their own style of eating and standing. Toss a crumb on Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco and see all the different ways the birds react. That diversity is something to be CELEBRATED.

I did not celebrate his uniqueness while he was alive. In fact, I hated him for it. I treated him as sub par because he had very different beliefs and styles than me. He called me a bitch, so I punished him continuously for it, even tho THAT WAS JUST WHO HE WAS. He could answer the phone with "Fuck You." and it wouldnt mean anything to him. But I tried to conform him to how I thought things should be, instead of accepting and loving him. Truly, I was seeking acceptance and love myself thru my avoiding behaviors. I was on the edge of this breakthru, could feel the tingles on my fingertips, but wasnt quite there, until he sent me those birds.

Seagulls are very different from other birds also because both parents attend to the nest. The parenting is not only left to the mother. With the approaching birth of my Taterbug, its time to figure out how parenting will be split between me and The Love of My Life. I HATE this and dread it and have reacted poorly every time its brought up. First of all, I hate the thought of parenting having to be SPLIT. I want us to join, and parent together, and be a family one day in the future. But he has made it clear we will "parent separately," and Im pretty sure he has fallen out of love with me and no longer desires any sort of future with me. Secondly, Im terrified of losing time with my baby girl, convinced that she NEEDS me. When really, I need her to need me because then I feel worthy of love. See? This precious being needs me, its ok for me to be loved now.

But that great man knew better and tried to teach me while he was alive. She deserves the most love she can get from BOTH her parents, and that means bonding with each of us. Which means I need to LET GO, stop being so damn scared, and let her bond with her amazing daddy. That doesnt mean I have to give up my bond with her, or stop standing up for what I know will be for her greatest health. I just get to make sure Im thinking of her, not acting out of my own fear. Because he and the seagulls have it right: both parents get to be there for our baby.

This tribute to seagulls may put several people off because lets face it, seagulls do the dirty job no one else wants to do. They are garbage birds. They eat anything and everything, and have saved entire towns because of it (see Utah History). I held so much animosity toward him for doing the exact same thing. He did the dark and dirty things that no one else wanted to do, all for my benefit. I didnt see the beauty of his work until it was too late.

I have such a deep gratitude for him now that I realize the ways he lowered his own light, hid it under his cloaks, so that I could learn how to be different parts of special. I love and appreciate him so much for being that role in my life, that outspoken fireball who pushed me out of my complacency. I truly can say now that I love all those things about him that drove me crazy. And I love that his son is so much like him, and drives me crazy in the exact same ways. Because of him, I now know a much deeper, more honest and true love for The Love of My Life, and even if nothing ever comes from that, my life is better because I have been able to feel that love.

There is so much more to learn from the life of this man-from his life, and from his writing and his art. Im excited to find it! Stepping into the Paradigm of Truth and seeing things (and people!) as they truly are.

And I will do as he taught me one beautiful Sunday evening: See the Darkest Spots, See the Lightest Spots, and create all the Value in between.

A Life Well Spent

"Those who make the worst use of their time are the first to complain of its shortness."

- Jean de la Bruyere

I will admit, my first reaction to The Love of My Life's father's passing was how cruel death is, how short life is. I had moments of anger that "I never got the chance.." I even used that phrase in my last post, but the reality is that I never took those chances. I never chose to step up and do what I knew was right.

I had day after day after days worth of opportunities to open myself back up to that man I love and admire and to let go of my damn pride. But I didnt. I squandered away the time I had with him, and yet I blamed it on fate! Its time I take full accountability for my poor choices and my poor relationships.

If you can hear me, please know that I love you so deeply. Im so sorry for all the ways I mistreated you, and I am so so so sorry that I let go of our bond. And thank you for the wonderful things you gave to this world: your poetic heart, your eye for beauty, your amazing and beautiful family. I am so honored and blessed to pass your name to my daughter.

In Memorium

The man I wanted to be my father-in-law passed away yesterday. And as I lay in the dark crying over all my missed opportunities, all my should-haves, all the grudges I held against him, I find myself craving The Love of My Life were willing to hold me.

The guilt I feel over my selfishness overwhelms me and multiplies my tears. His dad dies and I cry because he doesn't want to share intimacy with me? I cry because I don't get to take a picture of my daughter with her Pappy at the hospital??? I know he is in such a better place, and that he truly is "Happy" now, as Bug referred to him as. But I want him here with me.

As I cry out to be held thru this time, I suddenly remember his voice telling me, "I held you while you cried. And this is how you are with me?" These words are significant to me because of two events..

He said this to me during our huge fight. The one I was still holding against him. The one I refused to let go of. The one where I realized how much The Love of My Life picked up habits and traits from his old man. The one where I realized how truly stubborn all 3 of us are. The one where he was trying to force feedback on me, and I fought tooth and nail against it and didn't listen to a damn word (sound freakin familar?). Not that guilt trips are ok, but he was absolutely right. He was there for me, wanting me to listen because he loved me so damn much, and I really was being a royal bitch to him. I never got to apologize and be accountable for that. I learned so much from that fight, and am still gaining insight because of how perfect of a mirror it was to my fights with his son.

And of course, his words remind me of the actual night he did hold me tight while I cried. First week in August, right before I found out I was pregnant, The Love of My Life broke up with me, and decided to immediately move out all of his freshly moved in belongings. They weren't even there long enough to get any dust on decorations. Bags and bags of clothes and valuables packed up and heading back to his apartment. He called his dad to help him transport everything in one trip.

I sat there, helpless and full of despair, in the middle of the floor and watched him tear himself out of my life again. I bawled as I watched my life, my dreams, my everything seemingly end. I absolutely was living in a space of fear and pain. And even as his son continued to yell at me, that man came to me and wrapped his arms around me and held me. He told me what an amazing person I was, and that I didn't need his son to continue being an amazing person. He told me he loved me, that I would always be his daughter, and that I was strong enough to do this. He was patient with me when I struggled to look into his compassionately tear-filled eyes. He was the father I always wished I had.

And I let go of all that because my pride was hurt. I closed him out of my life because he was human and I wasn't willing to offer my love to him.

And now, as I again cry, wishing for the expression of love from his son, I know he is near by, sending his love and encouraging me to find myself, find my strength. Only this time, he isn't holding me. He is holding my daughter.

The timing on all this is too fated to be chalked up to coincidence. I know, feel it thru to my core, that he volunteered to leave so he could hold my girl and ensure her safe journey to me. Help her not be scared as she walks into the darkness. Help her remember what kind of special she is. Help her prepare to shine her light and rock the shit outta this world. And I am so deeply grateful and touched to him for that. And here come the sobs again..

I love you with all my heart. Thank you for being you. The world is a better place because you were in it.

Love,
Your Fourth Daughter

Angry Rant

The drama is overwhelming.

I don't want to be friends with someone who shoves feedback down my throat and doesn't listen to me. I don't want to be friends with someone who doesn't see anything wrong with saying "fucking" every other word in a raised tone. I don't want to sit and listen for a half hour straight to someone tell me all the things I do wrong and how to do things right. I don't want to be berated with all the "always" and "nevers" that frankly are not true. I don't want to continuously be denied (and told I'm not listening for wanting) the chance to explain, clarify, or refute things that are not true.

I want to vent occasionally. I want to cry with someone and just know that I'm not alone. I want to not be looked down upon or criticized for crying or having a bad day. What happened to just plain showing you have faith in those you love? What happened to just listening?

He isn't capable of being what I want. He is going to jump in and try to fix it and tell me everything he thinks I'm doing wrong. He refuses to just listen. He asks questions he doesn't want the answers to. And he doesn't accept answers that don't fit the way he thinks they should look. And its absolutely wrong of me to try and change him. Its wrong of me to expect him to be what I want. That is who he is choosing to be. And he is choosing to not be involved in my life because that is who he is. Honestly, I'm probably better off.

NOW.

I know Im avoiding. I know that Im pissed off and therefore must be feeling some bad things about myself underneath the surface. But I dont want to look or deal with those right now. I want to rant and be angry and throw lipstick at my pillow to see how high I can get it to bounce back. I know this isnt going to do any good or be healthy, but it feels better than dealing with the constant emotional damage I have brewing underneath.

So deal with it.

Strawberry in the Lavender Field

So I had a dream last night. Don't remember a whole ton about it but an image, an idea has stayed with me. And I get it has huge significance on what's going on in my life right now.

I HATE the things that are happening at school right now. I hate that people are talking about me behind my back. I hate that they are saying untrue things more. I hate that the instructors don't listen when I do bring issues to them. I hate that people are mad at me for things I don't need to feel guilty about. I hate that I feel taken advantage of because I have been willing to do appointments so I get the most, the worst, and the least well planned. I hate that I'm given last minute appointments for which I have no time to properly prepare. I hate having my schedule changed 20 times in one day.

Mostly, I hate feeling like I have no control over any of it.

I was thinking about this the last few days, usually while I was in the car in tears because of how much I hate being at school. I know, and have known, that its my struggle with control that causes all these icky feelings. Yet I still feel them. So last night in particular, I prayed asking for help letting go of my external struggle with control.

So..my dream.

I remember running around with my kids. It was just one person, yet it was both my baby girl and Bug. We were laughing and giggling and rolling around in a field of short lavender plants. The aroma filled my lungs and I felt absolutely content. I would chase him/them until we collapsed in exhaustion, and then they would chase me. As they caught me and tackled me, I was surrounded and cushioned by all the loving lavender sproutlings. Oh I felt so much love for those plants and my children.

Then my daughter asked me for a strawberry in the lavender field. The silly little thing giggled and laughed at her joke, knowing that the chances of a strawberry being in the field were very slim. Yet I was more than delighted to look with her as we ran and jumped and rolled thru the rows of sweet, earthy plants.

I looked down, superficially looking for a red surprise in the green leaves. Was I ever shocked when I saw a pea size, pink strawberry in the midst! I called my children over and we marvelled at the treat before us. It represented more purity, love, and luck than all the good omens ever found before. It was beautiful.

I doubted the possibility of finding that blessed strawberry. It was the most unexpected thing, and that is exactly what made it beautiful. I had absolutely no control over that strawberry being there or not. The only control I had was whether or not I looked and was ok with finding it. I was so grateful for that strawberry, that beautiful surprise.

When I woke up, I realized that all the best, most amazing things in my life have all been unplanned. My son being brought into this world. My marriage ending and allowing me to start on the path of self-discovery. And my relationship with Love of My Life beginning and ending, each time in their own beautiful way.

I'm very grateful for my Strawberries in the Lavender Fields. And I get that those amazing things only happen when I don't try to control them. Maybe if I can remember this, it wont be so hard to let go of wanting to feel in control..

Stay Tuned

So.. writing out my last entry has helped me sort a few things out. I was angry, which sends off two red flags for me. First, I'm avoiding feeling pain and seeking an external source to fulfill my need to feel love and control. Second, I'm expecting something and I am disappointed. So I took a look and realizing I'm avoiding feeling lonely and failure and not being good enough. And I expected people around me to be my support, my cheerleaders, and to believe in me when I don't.

What if the two feed off of each other? It clicked for me. I was absolutely expecting other people to fulfill my needs of love and control. I was expecting an external source to give me joy. Seeking external sources for my needs is avoiding in and of itself.

So every time I have an expectation, I am seeking external fulfillment to my needs. I am operating in fear, not love or trust or faith. I am attempting to force things to go the way I want them to. I am seeking outside distractions and entertainment (even if it is just texting him saying, "I'm not having a good day.") to avoid having to focus on the pain I'm feeling by not having my needs met internally. Every single expectation I place on other people is me avoiding.
Its nice to have these two concepts merge. I knew they were both true, but they felt like different worlds. Its comforting and exciting to see them collide so beautifully.

Part of me still wants to hold onto the expectation that those in my life should support me, believe in me, and give me that external strength when I don't feel it myself. But how can I expect strength from them when I don't give it to myself in the first place? And knowing what I know about expectations and avoiding, I'm setting myself up for more pain by relying on them. Its not their job to make me fly.

So..what do I do instead? If relying on others is out and I feel like I can't do it, I'm overwhelmed and frantic, and I don't see how anything other than what I see could be true, how do I feel better? I get that believing in my contract will change the way I see events and thus change my beliefs about myself.

But I just don't FEEL it. I know I once did, even if only briefly. I think I'm scared to feel like a Divine Loving Creative Passionate Woman of Light. Why? Well I don't know yet. Stay tuned, I'm gonna figure it out.

My Village

I have been having an awful last few days. It started with physical and emotional exhaustion, being pregnant and spending 50 hours at school, taking care of clients for most of it. Running around trying to get everything taken care of outside of school, Bug to daycare, make sure I still spent time with him and fulfilled my promise of taking him to a movie, coming home and trying to clean up the tornado he leaves behind him, all to get crappy sleep with my huge pregnant body and wake up early to do it all again. Im tapped. There is no reserves left to pull from. My body hurts so bad that I want to cry constantly.

So today, I wait and wait, and crave and pray for a chance to have a hot bath. It doesnt make everything feel totally better, but it helps a little. And its a couple minutes to myself to cry and think and recenter. All I wanted was a bath. I think Im finally going to get one when Bug naps, but the damn kid straight up refuses to sleep. He plays and pushes limits and purposefully tests me. He whistles and looks at me to see what Im going to do. Grounding him hasnt worked. Spanking hasnt worked. Putting him alone in his room hasnt worked. Im overwhelmed and defeated and bawling.

So I text him. We've been friendly, still in love with each other, and Ive accepted that we just arent together. I dont push for us to be together. But he is the first person I think of (and talk to some mornings) and usually the last person I talk to at night, on the phone or via text. I vent to him, share breakthrus with him, and have had fun hanging out with him. He is still my best friend. So as Im feeling awful and ache for someone to walk thru this with me, I turned to him. I sent the simple text, "I am not having a good day." And all holy hell broke loose.

He immediately went into fix it mode. He sends back "So what can you change in it?" Dude, it doesnt need to be changed at this moment. And you dont need to be the one trying to change it. I tell him basically that trying to change it isnt going to do any good, and he remains persistant and forceful. I am full on bawling out of frustration and I recognize that I am not in a healthy place. So I end up replying with, "You dont get it, and I am getting more upset. I dont want to talk to you about this right now." So he stops talking to me at all.

I attempt to clarify that I just meant not talking about THAT conversation. He still doesnt talk to me. I tell him that I think flat out that stopping talking to me all together was unnecessary. At which point he calls.

The call went the same as they do.. He said everything he wanted to, cut me off, wouldnt let me speak. He went on his rage, his ramble and went on and on and on about things that wouldnt even be relevant if I could just get a word in to explain!!! The few words Im able to slip in while he is taking a breath are always the same:

"Youre not letting me talk."

Then he goes off again, and reveals his true thoughts:

"I dont need you to talk, I need you to let it go."

Holy selfish narcissism. I am not a puppet made to fill your every need. I have my own needs. EVERYBODY NEEDS TO BE HEARD.

To him in that moment, nothing I needed mattered. I dont matter to him. Only his needs do. And now, frankly, only my needs matter to me. I couldnt give a shit less if he needs me to drop how Im feeling. I need me to explain how and why I feel the way I do. So his needs can fuck off.

Not that I can explain any of this, or that he would listen to a damn word I had to say if I tried explaining this to him. So I pull the phone away so hopefully he wont hear me sobbing. He starts yelling all of his views, and woe be unto any who dare question them. I cry even harder now because he is yelling and I am scared. I try to tell him that I cant continue the conversation any more and of course, he cant understand what I am saying. He says that he is going to hang up, so I hang up too, and I immediately get a text about how I hung up on him. And of course follows the text of how its the same as it always was-like its all my doing.

I just wanted support. I want to know there are people behind me because I dont feel like I can do it on my own. Im barely holding it together as it is, on the brink of losing it all. The thought that we arent meant to do it all alone is the only thing that keeps me going. I dont need them to step in and fix anything. I need someone to listen and be sympathetic. I need people to have faith in me when all my faith is gone. "..It takes a village.." A village of supportive people. I dont have room for more people in my life that doubt me and tell me my every step is wrong. Where is my village?

Success

"Coming together is a beginning; staying together is progress; working together is success."

- Anonymous

Have to have a common vision, both working together. Supporting and encouraging each other when one gets lost. Climbing that mountain, step by step, pulling the other up instead of dragging each other down. Partners in every hike.

This is what I want. This is what I get to create in my life. Im tired of pulling him down with me because I feel bad. Im tired of acting like mommy and worrying about his growth as I sit at the bottom of the mountain. Im tired of only climbing that mountain after him, trying to catch up and prove I am good enough to be loved. I get to climb. And as I climb, I get to pull people up with me, lend a helping hand, but only when I first have a strong grip and am climbing that mountain FOR ME.

I get to share my hike with lots of amazing people around me. We have our beginning, we make our progress, and succeed when we work together. My family and friends are my village, my support as a single mom. My children are my amazing partners as we create our family and trek thru our journey. And maybe one day, Ill have that one partner I seek.

Key To Survival

"It's not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the ones most responsive to change."

- Charles Darwin

I have been so caught up by all the well-meaning souls in my life telling me to be strong thru the trials in my life. Like that is the solution to everything. Be strong. Dont let my emotions run away with me. Dont give in to the pain I feel. I cant let my emotions run their course because I have to be strong for my kids.

Like being afraid to show weakness has gotten me ANYWHERE in my life. Yeah, Im sure the people in my life really appreciate it when I run away to cry because I cant show anyone how weak I am.

Im so done with that way of thinking. ITS OK TO BE VULNERABLE. It may take a freight train to make the impact, but one way or another, I am going to get that thru my head. EMOTION IS NATURAL. The fact that I am sensitive and have a loving heart is one of the best things about me. Its who I was created to be! And Im done hiding it.

I dont need to be strong or smart to survive and make the most of my life. I get to flexible, adaptable, and let go of my expectations of how my life should be. These are the curveballs Im being thrown right now, and frankly, I thank my Spirit Father for them. They show the faith and love He has for me. He is probably laughing his ass off watching me try to juggle them, occasionally dropping them, and the pissed off, contorted faces I make as I let my ego try to control them.

Let Go, Let God. That is the key to survival.

Not For Blushing Eyes

So.. I have some problems with sex. And they scare the shit outta me, and I am very ashamed by them, so I hide them. Ive felt the urge to see a sex therapist on numerous occasions because of my VERY unhealthy relationship with sex. This is a very uncomfortable subject for me, something I have never talked to anyone about in my entire life. I get to stretch, acknowledge these issues and take the first steps in overcoming them. Details will be shared, and this post is definitely NOT for blushing eyes.

Ive talked a little bit about it before, but I used to use sex as a form of Imitation Love. I used it to validate myself, to feel loved and whole. Hell, my first sexual experiences were as a scared 16 yr old girl, seeking love and acceptance from the first boy who said he loved me, as a replacement for the love and acceptance I didnt get from my dad. When I still didnt feel validation, I continued to seek it from several sources. It didnt work. I would feel alone and dirty immediately afterwards. I used men to try and achieve that sense of self-worth, and I only succeeded in confusing us all.

I realized what I was doing, swore to stop and change my life, and that opened the door for me to meet the man of my dreams. I told him about my past, and he comforted me and accepted me. Our sex life was amazing for a while: passionate, intimate, accepting, loving. To this day, I still have an ability to connect with him on a spiritual level when we truly make love. I have never felt that with anyone else, ever. Our bodies are perfectly matched and it amazes me every time the ecstacy I feel just being intimate with him. For a while, the perfection was all there was. And then we had our first fight, and he walked out on me, with me begging him to stay, literally on my knees and naked. I never completely healed from that.

I realized that I was still holding onto that experience. It was recreated a few times and every time, Im in bed, naked, sobbing because he walked out. I called that experience back into my life by holding onto it. I get that many fights were also caused by my secret resentment towards him for it all, and my insecurities about not being enough. Attractive enough, wild enough, sexy enough.

By holding onto that experience, I began to seek validation and love from him thru sex. While I wasnt sleeping around to receive that ego boost, I was using him. Ive been trying to sort thru that issue, but its a never ending spiral of problems. I wouldnt want to have sex because I knew if I did, I would be acting unhealthy and use him. He felt undesirable and insecure because I didnt want sex anymore, and he felt like a pervert for constantly trying and being shot down. And when we did have sex, I was emotionally withdrawn a good handful of times. I wasnt passionate any more.

And here is where it starts getting a little more risque..

I am also very insecure about my body (especially now that Im pregnant!). I have been open about this truth in the hopes that it is the first step in overcoming my negative self-image. I do not FEEL sexy or hot or beautiful. He recently told me that he has been holding onto some resentment because I have hardly ever worn lingerie for him, and he knows I wore lingerie with others. The first time I wore lingerie for him, I spent the night trying to show him, trying to seduce him, and he didnt even notice. I finally gave up. I dont even remember if we had sex that night. I had an expectation of a certain reaction from him, and when I didnt get it, I was disappointed and hurt. Perhaps that first experience of lingerie is a factor to my deterrent to lingerie. But I believe the largest deterrent is that I simply hate my body most days, so why would I even TRY to look sexy? Im terrified (living in fear) that he will take one look and be disgusted, and I am rejected all over again.

I did once take several sexy photos of myself. I planned to do something special with them- a calendar or something for last years Valentine's day. I avoided and procrastinated it over and over and over because every time I look at the photos, all I see are the fat rolls, ugly expressions, and lack of super sexy lingerie (using the excuse that Im too broke for anything other than plain matching panty and bra sets). He knows that there are photos of me that I have not allowed him to see and has been pretty upset that I still hadnt shared them. I was holding out for a special occasion (well, that is the excuse I told him and myself. Really, I am living in fear). And now, if I give him the photos, they dont look anything like me. Im pregnant, my body has forever changed, my face and hair look different, plus, there is the whole being broken-up thing.. Can you say awkward??

When we reconciled in November, we agreed to let the past be the past about everything. While neither of us had abided by this fully, I still believe it to be true. My ego mind has been going over the last few months and saying, "Seriously?? You are upset because I havent worn lingerie while IM PREGNANT?? HAVE YOU EVER FOUND ANY PREGNANCY LINGERIE???" But I know that I still didnt show interest in lingerie, even when we were looking together for post-baby things.

And even more risque..

I do believe that pregnancy has played a part in my ultra-low sex drive over the last 7 months. Researchers for over 25 years have been proving a correlation between hormones and sex-drive. The more testosterone in a system, male or female, the higher the sex drive. The more estrogen flowing thru my veins, the lower my sex drive. My baby living inside my womb is also producing excess estrogen that is flowing back into my body, and I am on female hormone overload. Hence the increased emotional reactions. Hence the increase irrational mood swings. Have I mentioned that second trimester is also when the sex organs and hormones are mostly developed for babies? No wonder everyone knew it was a girl (based upon my hormonal tendacies) before the ultrasound confirmed it!

I have felt incomplete, not good enough, for months, remembering what it was like to be pregnant with my son. I told The Love of My Life, when we were trying to conceive, how sex crazed I was thru my whole first pregnancy. How much MORE it increased in the second trimester. I was obsessed with sex the first time, and given my already low libido lately, I greatly welcomed that surge of sexual passion. Only it never came. And both he and I were absolutely expecting it, and absolutely let down when it never showed up. Now I realize DUH! I had a boy with testosterone in my womb before! I feel like Im not really a woman because I dont get turned on seeing a Greek statue this time. I cant give him the pouncing lioness I promised him, and I feel unworthy of love or acceptance because of it.

Finding out that it is completely natural and normal to have a lack of sex drive when expecting a baby girl has assisted these feelings to some degree. I felt validated, like its not my fault. I still feel like its not accepted tho, by me or anyone else. But it started getting me wondering, questioning, what effect hormones have played in my lack of sex drive in the 3 years prior to conceiving this new wonder.

At the same time, I received a twitter notifying me that a new post was available by a spunky and amazing mommy-blogger I enjoy. (THANK YOU UNIVERSE FOR PERFECT TIMING!) Girls Gone Child's Rebecca Woolf has been a blessing in my life, sharing personal and intimate details of her own life and sex drive. She has discovered that the hormones in her IUD birth control are the culprit behind the disappearance of her libido and therefore, a cause of contention in her marriage. A hundred-something other women confirmed via comments the same thing happened in their lives. Yeah, that "minimal" amount of hormones leaking into your blood stream are secret sex-killing ninjas.

So.. I did more research.

Apparently, libido loss is a well documented side effect of birth control I was never aware of. And I was an avid reader of the little pamphlets that came in my boxes of pills every month. Depression, weight gain, blood clots, those I was aware of as side effects. "Sex drive butcher" was not listed any where. There are hundreds of sites that discuss it, but this one says it best for me. Essentially, it is the same thing as before: birth control puts extra estrogen and progesterone in your system and inhibits the body from producing or receiving testosterone, which is the libido hormone! No freaking wonder I havent even really had the urge to masterbate like I used to. The effects only increase in the long term.

Why didnt my sex drive increase, then, in those months between going off of the pill and before conceiving? The same damn reason why I produced cysts and possibly endometriosis those months! My body was so used to being on the pill that it stopped naturally producing hormones itself. When I removed those artificial hormones, my body went into panic mode and wasnt able to regulate itself. TA-DAH! Cysts. Pain. ER visit. My hormones were out of whack again and I had no sex drive. That is all in addition to the excruciating pain I had with just another body part being squished into my cyst-filled abdomen.

There is nothing I can do about the hormonal imbalance while I am still expecting. Pain during sex seemed to have diminished as I reached the third trimester, and new positioning seemed promising before the break up. But I know that the largest piece to solving the sexual dysfunction puzzle is letting go of my past baggage with sex.

I havent truly forgiven myself for the ways that I used sex to make myself feel better, both with multiple partners and with The Love of My Life. I dont feel worthy of forgiveness. And I have held onto the negative experiences and rejection I have felt in connection to intimacy before. But I tend to focus only on this portion of my baggage and ignore the neon flashing signs in my other garbage bags.

I feel like I am not woman enough for not having a sex drive. This thought scares the living shit out of me and I have hidden from it for 4 years. And its time I face this fear, this insecurity. Its time I recognize my lost libido and stop avoiding it. As scary as it is, I am admitting it, I have a low sex drive. Its time to stop letting this huge baggage follow me around. Its time to let go. And with that release, I can finally take steps in recovering my sexual prowess.

I know I should have shared all of this with him. I am so sorry that I didnt. So so so sorry. In all honesty, I didnt know where to begin or how to talk to him about it because I was avoiding it myself. I didnt want to look at the problems I have, I glossed over them and ignored them, and I know that he was deeply hurt in the process. My heart goes out to him and prays that he can forgive me.