My Village

I have been having an awful last few days. It started with physical and emotional exhaustion, being pregnant and spending 50 hours at school, taking care of clients for most of it. Running around trying to get everything taken care of outside of school, Bug to daycare, make sure I still spent time with him and fulfilled my promise of taking him to a movie, coming home and trying to clean up the tornado he leaves behind him, all to get crappy sleep with my huge pregnant body and wake up early to do it all again. Im tapped. There is no reserves left to pull from. My body hurts so bad that I want to cry constantly.

So today, I wait and wait, and crave and pray for a chance to have a hot bath. It doesnt make everything feel totally better, but it helps a little. And its a couple minutes to myself to cry and think and recenter. All I wanted was a bath. I think Im finally going to get one when Bug naps, but the damn kid straight up refuses to sleep. He plays and pushes limits and purposefully tests me. He whistles and looks at me to see what Im going to do. Grounding him hasnt worked. Spanking hasnt worked. Putting him alone in his room hasnt worked. Im overwhelmed and defeated and bawling.

So I text him. We've been friendly, still in love with each other, and Ive accepted that we just arent together. I dont push for us to be together. But he is the first person I think of (and talk to some mornings) and usually the last person I talk to at night, on the phone or via text. I vent to him, share breakthrus with him, and have had fun hanging out with him. He is still my best friend. So as Im feeling awful and ache for someone to walk thru this with me, I turned to him. I sent the simple text, "I am not having a good day." And all holy hell broke loose.

He immediately went into fix it mode. He sends back "So what can you change in it?" Dude, it doesnt need to be changed at this moment. And you dont need to be the one trying to change it. I tell him basically that trying to change it isnt going to do any good, and he remains persistant and forceful. I am full on bawling out of frustration and I recognize that I am not in a healthy place. So I end up replying with, "You dont get it, and I am getting more upset. I dont want to talk to you about this right now." So he stops talking to me at all.

I attempt to clarify that I just meant not talking about THAT conversation. He still doesnt talk to me. I tell him that I think flat out that stopping talking to me all together was unnecessary. At which point he calls.

The call went the same as they do.. He said everything he wanted to, cut me off, wouldnt let me speak. He went on his rage, his ramble and went on and on and on about things that wouldnt even be relevant if I could just get a word in to explain!!! The few words Im able to slip in while he is taking a breath are always the same:

"Youre not letting me talk."

Then he goes off again, and reveals his true thoughts:

"I dont need you to talk, I need you to let it go."

Holy selfish narcissism. I am not a puppet made to fill your every need. I have my own needs. EVERYBODY NEEDS TO BE HEARD.

To him in that moment, nothing I needed mattered. I dont matter to him. Only his needs do. And now, frankly, only my needs matter to me. I couldnt give a shit less if he needs me to drop how Im feeling. I need me to explain how and why I feel the way I do. So his needs can fuck off.

Not that I can explain any of this, or that he would listen to a damn word I had to say if I tried explaining this to him. So I pull the phone away so hopefully he wont hear me sobbing. He starts yelling all of his views, and woe be unto any who dare question them. I cry even harder now because he is yelling and I am scared. I try to tell him that I cant continue the conversation any more and of course, he cant understand what I am saying. He says that he is going to hang up, so I hang up too, and I immediately get a text about how I hung up on him. And of course follows the text of how its the same as it always was-like its all my doing.

I just wanted support. I want to know there are people behind me because I dont feel like I can do it on my own. Im barely holding it together as it is, on the brink of losing it all. The thought that we arent meant to do it all alone is the only thing that keeps me going. I dont need them to step in and fix anything. I need someone to listen and be sympathetic. I need people to have faith in me when all my faith is gone. "..It takes a village.." A village of supportive people. I dont have room for more people in my life that doubt me and tell me my every step is wrong. Where is my village?