Strawberry in the Lavender Field

So I had a dream last night. Don't remember a whole ton about it but an image, an idea has stayed with me. And I get it has huge significance on what's going on in my life right now.

I HATE the things that are happening at school right now. I hate that people are talking about me behind my back. I hate that they are saying untrue things more. I hate that the instructors don't listen when I do bring issues to them. I hate that people are mad at me for things I don't need to feel guilty about. I hate that I feel taken advantage of because I have been willing to do appointments so I get the most, the worst, and the least well planned. I hate that I'm given last minute appointments for which I have no time to properly prepare. I hate having my schedule changed 20 times in one day.

Mostly, I hate feeling like I have no control over any of it.

I was thinking about this the last few days, usually while I was in the car in tears because of how much I hate being at school. I know, and have known, that its my struggle with control that causes all these icky feelings. Yet I still feel them. So last night in particular, I prayed asking for help letting go of my external struggle with control.

So..my dream.

I remember running around with my kids. It was just one person, yet it was both my baby girl and Bug. We were laughing and giggling and rolling around in a field of short lavender plants. The aroma filled my lungs and I felt absolutely content. I would chase him/them until we collapsed in exhaustion, and then they would chase me. As they caught me and tackled me, I was surrounded and cushioned by all the loving lavender sproutlings. Oh I felt so much love for those plants and my children.

Then my daughter asked me for a strawberry in the lavender field. The silly little thing giggled and laughed at her joke, knowing that the chances of a strawberry being in the field were very slim. Yet I was more than delighted to look with her as we ran and jumped and rolled thru the rows of sweet, earthy plants.

I looked down, superficially looking for a red surprise in the green leaves. Was I ever shocked when I saw a pea size, pink strawberry in the midst! I called my children over and we marvelled at the treat before us. It represented more purity, love, and luck than all the good omens ever found before. It was beautiful.

I doubted the possibility of finding that blessed strawberry. It was the most unexpected thing, and that is exactly what made it beautiful. I had absolutely no control over that strawberry being there or not. The only control I had was whether or not I looked and was ok with finding it. I was so grateful for that strawberry, that beautiful surprise.

When I woke up, I realized that all the best, most amazing things in my life have all been unplanned. My son being brought into this world. My marriage ending and allowing me to start on the path of self-discovery. And my relationship with Love of My Life beginning and ending, each time in their own beautiful way.

I'm very grateful for my Strawberries in the Lavender Fields. And I get that those amazing things only happen when I don't try to control them. Maybe if I can remember this, it wont be so hard to let go of wanting to feel in control..