Stay Tuned

So.. writing out my last entry has helped me sort a few things out. I was angry, which sends off two red flags for me. First, I'm avoiding feeling pain and seeking an external source to fulfill my need to feel love and control. Second, I'm expecting something and I am disappointed. So I took a look and realizing I'm avoiding feeling lonely and failure and not being good enough. And I expected people around me to be my support, my cheerleaders, and to believe in me when I don't.

What if the two feed off of each other? It clicked for me. I was absolutely expecting other people to fulfill my needs of love and control. I was expecting an external source to give me joy. Seeking external sources for my needs is avoiding in and of itself.

So every time I have an expectation, I am seeking external fulfillment to my needs. I am operating in fear, not love or trust or faith. I am attempting to force things to go the way I want them to. I am seeking outside distractions and entertainment (even if it is just texting him saying, "I'm not having a good day.") to avoid having to focus on the pain I'm feeling by not having my needs met internally. Every single expectation I place on other people is me avoiding.
Its nice to have these two concepts merge. I knew they were both true, but they felt like different worlds. Its comforting and exciting to see them collide so beautifully.

Part of me still wants to hold onto the expectation that those in my life should support me, believe in me, and give me that external strength when I don't feel it myself. But how can I expect strength from them when I don't give it to myself in the first place? And knowing what I know about expectations and avoiding, I'm setting myself up for more pain by relying on them. Its not their job to make me fly.

So..what do I do instead? If relying on others is out and I feel like I can't do it, I'm overwhelmed and frantic, and I don't see how anything other than what I see could be true, how do I feel better? I get that believing in my contract will change the way I see events and thus change my beliefs about myself.

But I just don't FEEL it. I know I once did, even if only briefly. I think I'm scared to feel like a Divine Loving Creative Passionate Woman of Light. Why? Well I don't know yet. Stay tuned, I'm gonna figure it out.