There were a lot of things I didnt know about seagulls until that day. I knew there was a message for me, a reason he sent those birds specifically to me, so I went searching. This author provided some very basic insight for me. The light bulb went off, and holy crap did he have many things for me to learn with one symbol. Even in death, he is a talented teacher.
The night I first met him, I was blown away by his humility and love for his son. He told me secretly, as we snuck away to truly meet, that out of all his children, The Love of My Life was his pride and joy, the one thing he feels he did right. He said that he could die that very night a happy and fulfilled man because his son was such an amazing person, and I heartily understood. He wasnt a perfect father by any means, but he was always there during the time I knew him. Always willing to help, always eager to give advice, and always ALWAYS himself. He admitted his shortcomings as a parent and was incredibly open to learning from his children in return. It made complete sense, then, why he would send the seagull to me. The gull is one of the rare birds that have guardians for the youth flocks, but not just any parent, the fathers in particular, to teach their young how to survive and protect them until they are fully grown.
One of the greatest things he has shown me is the BLESSING it is to learn from one's children. To further seal in that lesson, that very day Bug impacted me in a huge way. As I cry about my lost friend, my baby boy comforted me, and offered words so perfect and compassionate. He really got it, and had a much better understand of death than I do. I LEARNED from my son, and I humbly got to accept that lesson from him. I realized how little credit I give my Bugaboo, trying to shield him and thinking that I know best. I am so grateful, for both the example of that humility and eagerness to learn, and for both my Bugs who I have so much to learn from!
Another amazing fact about seagulls are their unique personalities. Finding Nemo may show them all as mindless eating zombies, but if you truly watch a flock of seagulls, each has their own style of eating and standing. Toss a crumb on Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco and see all the different ways the birds react. That diversity is something to be CELEBRATED.
I did not celebrate his uniqueness while he was alive. In fact, I hated him for it. I treated him as sub par because he had very different beliefs and styles than me. He called me a bitch, so I punished him continuously for it, even tho THAT WAS JUST WHO HE WAS. He could answer the phone with "Fuck You." and it wouldnt mean anything to him. But I tried to conform him to how I thought things should be, instead of accepting and loving him. Truly, I was seeking acceptance and love myself thru my avoiding behaviors. I was on the edge of this breakthru, could feel the tingles on my fingertips, but wasnt quite there, until he sent me those birds.
Seagulls are very different from other birds also because both parents attend to the nest. The parenting is not only left to the mother. With the approaching birth of my Taterbug, its time to figure out how parenting will be split between me and The Love of My Life. I HATE this and dread it and have reacted poorly every time its brought up. First of all, I hate the thought of parenting having to be SPLIT. I want us to join, and parent together, and be a family one day in the future. But he has made it clear we will "parent separately," and Im pretty sure he has fallen out of love with me and no longer desires any sort of future with me. Secondly, Im terrified of losing time with my baby girl, convinced that she NEEDS me. When really, I need her to need me because then I feel worthy of love. See? This precious being needs me, its ok for me to be loved now.
But that great man knew better and tried to teach me while he was alive. She deserves the most love she can get from BOTH her parents, and that means bonding with each of us. Which means I need to LET GO, stop being so damn scared, and let her bond with her amazing daddy. That doesnt mean I have to give up my bond with her, or stop standing up for what I know will be for her greatest health. I just get to make sure Im thinking of her, not acting out of my own fear. Because he and the seagulls have it right: both parents get to be there for our baby.
This tribute to seagulls may put several people off because lets face it, seagulls do the dirty job no one else wants to do. They are garbage birds. They eat anything and everything, and have saved entire towns because of it (see Utah History). I held so much animosity toward him for doing the exact same thing. He did the dark and dirty things that no one else wanted to do, all for my benefit. I didnt see the beauty of his work until it was too late.
I have such a deep gratitude for him now that I realize the ways he lowered his own light, hid it under his cloaks, so that I could learn how to be different parts of special. I love and appreciate him so much for being that role in my life, that outspoken fireball who pushed me out of my complacency. I truly can say now that I love all those things about him that drove me crazy. And I love that his son is so much like him, and drives me crazy in the exact same ways. Because of him, I now know a much deeper, more honest and true love for The Love of My Life, and even if nothing ever comes from that, my life is better because I have been able to feel that love.
There is so much more to learn from the life of this man-from his life, and from his writing and his art. Im excited to find it! Stepping into the Paradigm of Truth and seeing things (and people!) as they truly are.
And I will do as he taught me one beautiful Sunday evening: See the Darkest Spots, See the Lightest Spots, and create all the Value in between.
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