In Memorium

The man I wanted to be my father-in-law passed away yesterday. And as I lay in the dark crying over all my missed opportunities, all my should-haves, all the grudges I held against him, I find myself craving The Love of My Life were willing to hold me.

The guilt I feel over my selfishness overwhelms me and multiplies my tears. His dad dies and I cry because he doesn't want to share intimacy with me? I cry because I don't get to take a picture of my daughter with her Pappy at the hospital??? I know he is in such a better place, and that he truly is "Happy" now, as Bug referred to him as. But I want him here with me.

As I cry out to be held thru this time, I suddenly remember his voice telling me, "I held you while you cried. And this is how you are with me?" These words are significant to me because of two events..

He said this to me during our huge fight. The one I was still holding against him. The one I refused to let go of. The one where I realized how much The Love of My Life picked up habits and traits from his old man. The one where I realized how truly stubborn all 3 of us are. The one where he was trying to force feedback on me, and I fought tooth and nail against it and didn't listen to a damn word (sound freakin familar?). Not that guilt trips are ok, but he was absolutely right. He was there for me, wanting me to listen because he loved me so damn much, and I really was being a royal bitch to him. I never got to apologize and be accountable for that. I learned so much from that fight, and am still gaining insight because of how perfect of a mirror it was to my fights with his son.

And of course, his words remind me of the actual night he did hold me tight while I cried. First week in August, right before I found out I was pregnant, The Love of My Life broke up with me, and decided to immediately move out all of his freshly moved in belongings. They weren't even there long enough to get any dust on decorations. Bags and bags of clothes and valuables packed up and heading back to his apartment. He called his dad to help him transport everything in one trip.

I sat there, helpless and full of despair, in the middle of the floor and watched him tear himself out of my life again. I bawled as I watched my life, my dreams, my everything seemingly end. I absolutely was living in a space of fear and pain. And even as his son continued to yell at me, that man came to me and wrapped his arms around me and held me. He told me what an amazing person I was, and that I didn't need his son to continue being an amazing person. He told me he loved me, that I would always be his daughter, and that I was strong enough to do this. He was patient with me when I struggled to look into his compassionately tear-filled eyes. He was the father I always wished I had.

And I let go of all that because my pride was hurt. I closed him out of my life because he was human and I wasn't willing to offer my love to him.

And now, as I again cry, wishing for the expression of love from his son, I know he is near by, sending his love and encouraging me to find myself, find my strength. Only this time, he isn't holding me. He is holding my daughter.

The timing on all this is too fated to be chalked up to coincidence. I know, feel it thru to my core, that he volunteered to leave so he could hold my girl and ensure her safe journey to me. Help her not be scared as she walks into the darkness. Help her remember what kind of special she is. Help her prepare to shine her light and rock the shit outta this world. And I am so deeply grateful and touched to him for that. And here come the sobs again..

I love you with all my heart. Thank you for being you. The world is a better place because you were in it.

Love,
Your Fourth Daughter