Not For Blushing Eyes

So.. I have some problems with sex. And they scare the shit outta me, and I am very ashamed by them, so I hide them. Ive felt the urge to see a sex therapist on numerous occasions because of my VERY unhealthy relationship with sex. This is a very uncomfortable subject for me, something I have never talked to anyone about in my entire life. I get to stretch, acknowledge these issues and take the first steps in overcoming them. Details will be shared, and this post is definitely NOT for blushing eyes.

Ive talked a little bit about it before, but I used to use sex as a form of Imitation Love. I used it to validate myself, to feel loved and whole. Hell, my first sexual experiences were as a scared 16 yr old girl, seeking love and acceptance from the first boy who said he loved me, as a replacement for the love and acceptance I didnt get from my dad. When I still didnt feel validation, I continued to seek it from several sources. It didnt work. I would feel alone and dirty immediately afterwards. I used men to try and achieve that sense of self-worth, and I only succeeded in confusing us all.

I realized what I was doing, swore to stop and change my life, and that opened the door for me to meet the man of my dreams. I told him about my past, and he comforted me and accepted me. Our sex life was amazing for a while: passionate, intimate, accepting, loving. To this day, I still have an ability to connect with him on a spiritual level when we truly make love. I have never felt that with anyone else, ever. Our bodies are perfectly matched and it amazes me every time the ecstacy I feel just being intimate with him. For a while, the perfection was all there was. And then we had our first fight, and he walked out on me, with me begging him to stay, literally on my knees and naked. I never completely healed from that.

I realized that I was still holding onto that experience. It was recreated a few times and every time, Im in bed, naked, sobbing because he walked out. I called that experience back into my life by holding onto it. I get that many fights were also caused by my secret resentment towards him for it all, and my insecurities about not being enough. Attractive enough, wild enough, sexy enough.

By holding onto that experience, I began to seek validation and love from him thru sex. While I wasnt sleeping around to receive that ego boost, I was using him. Ive been trying to sort thru that issue, but its a never ending spiral of problems. I wouldnt want to have sex because I knew if I did, I would be acting unhealthy and use him. He felt undesirable and insecure because I didnt want sex anymore, and he felt like a pervert for constantly trying and being shot down. And when we did have sex, I was emotionally withdrawn a good handful of times. I wasnt passionate any more.

And here is where it starts getting a little more risque..

I am also very insecure about my body (especially now that Im pregnant!). I have been open about this truth in the hopes that it is the first step in overcoming my negative self-image. I do not FEEL sexy or hot or beautiful. He recently told me that he has been holding onto some resentment because I have hardly ever worn lingerie for him, and he knows I wore lingerie with others. The first time I wore lingerie for him, I spent the night trying to show him, trying to seduce him, and he didnt even notice. I finally gave up. I dont even remember if we had sex that night. I had an expectation of a certain reaction from him, and when I didnt get it, I was disappointed and hurt. Perhaps that first experience of lingerie is a factor to my deterrent to lingerie. But I believe the largest deterrent is that I simply hate my body most days, so why would I even TRY to look sexy? Im terrified (living in fear) that he will take one look and be disgusted, and I am rejected all over again.

I did once take several sexy photos of myself. I planned to do something special with them- a calendar or something for last years Valentine's day. I avoided and procrastinated it over and over and over because every time I look at the photos, all I see are the fat rolls, ugly expressions, and lack of super sexy lingerie (using the excuse that Im too broke for anything other than plain matching panty and bra sets). He knows that there are photos of me that I have not allowed him to see and has been pretty upset that I still hadnt shared them. I was holding out for a special occasion (well, that is the excuse I told him and myself. Really, I am living in fear). And now, if I give him the photos, they dont look anything like me. Im pregnant, my body has forever changed, my face and hair look different, plus, there is the whole being broken-up thing.. Can you say awkward??

When we reconciled in November, we agreed to let the past be the past about everything. While neither of us had abided by this fully, I still believe it to be true. My ego mind has been going over the last few months and saying, "Seriously?? You are upset because I havent worn lingerie while IM PREGNANT?? HAVE YOU EVER FOUND ANY PREGNANCY LINGERIE???" But I know that I still didnt show interest in lingerie, even when we were looking together for post-baby things.

And even more risque..

I do believe that pregnancy has played a part in my ultra-low sex drive over the last 7 months. Researchers for over 25 years have been proving a correlation between hormones and sex-drive. The more testosterone in a system, male or female, the higher the sex drive. The more estrogen flowing thru my veins, the lower my sex drive. My baby living inside my womb is also producing excess estrogen that is flowing back into my body, and I am on female hormone overload. Hence the increased emotional reactions. Hence the increase irrational mood swings. Have I mentioned that second trimester is also when the sex organs and hormones are mostly developed for babies? No wonder everyone knew it was a girl (based upon my hormonal tendacies) before the ultrasound confirmed it!

I have felt incomplete, not good enough, for months, remembering what it was like to be pregnant with my son. I told The Love of My Life, when we were trying to conceive, how sex crazed I was thru my whole first pregnancy. How much MORE it increased in the second trimester. I was obsessed with sex the first time, and given my already low libido lately, I greatly welcomed that surge of sexual passion. Only it never came. And both he and I were absolutely expecting it, and absolutely let down when it never showed up. Now I realize DUH! I had a boy with testosterone in my womb before! I feel like Im not really a woman because I dont get turned on seeing a Greek statue this time. I cant give him the pouncing lioness I promised him, and I feel unworthy of love or acceptance because of it.

Finding out that it is completely natural and normal to have a lack of sex drive when expecting a baby girl has assisted these feelings to some degree. I felt validated, like its not my fault. I still feel like its not accepted tho, by me or anyone else. But it started getting me wondering, questioning, what effect hormones have played in my lack of sex drive in the 3 years prior to conceiving this new wonder.

At the same time, I received a twitter notifying me that a new post was available by a spunky and amazing mommy-blogger I enjoy. (THANK YOU UNIVERSE FOR PERFECT TIMING!) Girls Gone Child's Rebecca Woolf has been a blessing in my life, sharing personal and intimate details of her own life and sex drive. She has discovered that the hormones in her IUD birth control are the culprit behind the disappearance of her libido and therefore, a cause of contention in her marriage. A hundred-something other women confirmed via comments the same thing happened in their lives. Yeah, that "minimal" amount of hormones leaking into your blood stream are secret sex-killing ninjas.

So.. I did more research.

Apparently, libido loss is a well documented side effect of birth control I was never aware of. And I was an avid reader of the little pamphlets that came in my boxes of pills every month. Depression, weight gain, blood clots, those I was aware of as side effects. "Sex drive butcher" was not listed any where. There are hundreds of sites that discuss it, but this one says it best for me. Essentially, it is the same thing as before: birth control puts extra estrogen and progesterone in your system and inhibits the body from producing or receiving testosterone, which is the libido hormone! No freaking wonder I havent even really had the urge to masterbate like I used to. The effects only increase in the long term.

Why didnt my sex drive increase, then, in those months between going off of the pill and before conceiving? The same damn reason why I produced cysts and possibly endometriosis those months! My body was so used to being on the pill that it stopped naturally producing hormones itself. When I removed those artificial hormones, my body went into panic mode and wasnt able to regulate itself. TA-DAH! Cysts. Pain. ER visit. My hormones were out of whack again and I had no sex drive. That is all in addition to the excruciating pain I had with just another body part being squished into my cyst-filled abdomen.

There is nothing I can do about the hormonal imbalance while I am still expecting. Pain during sex seemed to have diminished as I reached the third trimester, and new positioning seemed promising before the break up. But I know that the largest piece to solving the sexual dysfunction puzzle is letting go of my past baggage with sex.

I havent truly forgiven myself for the ways that I used sex to make myself feel better, both with multiple partners and with The Love of My Life. I dont feel worthy of forgiveness. And I have held onto the negative experiences and rejection I have felt in connection to intimacy before. But I tend to focus only on this portion of my baggage and ignore the neon flashing signs in my other garbage bags.

I feel like I am not woman enough for not having a sex drive. This thought scares the living shit out of me and I have hidden from it for 4 years. And its time I face this fear, this insecurity. Its time I recognize my lost libido and stop avoiding it. As scary as it is, I am admitting it, I have a low sex drive. Its time to stop letting this huge baggage follow me around. Its time to let go. And with that release, I can finally take steps in recovering my sexual prowess.

I know I should have shared all of this with him. I am so sorry that I didnt. So so so sorry. In all honesty, I didnt know where to begin or how to talk to him about it because I was avoiding it myself. I didnt want to look at the problems I have, I glossed over them and ignored them, and I know that he was deeply hurt in the process. My heart goes out to him and prays that he can forgive me.