I had a few HUGE realizations a few days ago. I have already realized what I was doing, committed to being more conscious, committed to let go of the past, taking time to check myself before reacting to make sure Im not still making those same mistakes, and have apologized for what I was doing. I am very happy with the progress I made on these issues, and so I didnt feel the need to journal about them. But I deserve to document these breakthrus and mistakes I made so that I can continue learning from them. I dont ever want to slip back into those UNHEALTHY habits.
I have had a huge aversion to alcohol, unfairly so. I hate the smell of alcohol reeking off of someone, particularly the man I love. I wanted to control the drinking that he did, especially with a past of alcohol abuse. I didnt trust him to be responsible in regards to drinking. I convinced myself it was my right, my duty to prevent him from drinking, for his own spiritual health. I played mommy, and he resented me for it. I had the best of intentions and told myself that I was doing the right thing, and that he was WRONG for not listening to me and doing what I wanted. I was scared of how he would act while drinking alcohol. I felt abandoned every time he drank, even if I was right there with him. It only worsened things that I cannot drink with him due to the life growing in me. I had no idea that I was living in fear and causing these issues between us involving alcohol. All I knew was that I had a huge aversion to alcohol.
While him and I had some negative experiences together where alcohol was involved, I was not allowing the past to be the past. I only realized this after I went seeking assistance in talking thru some issues I was having. Basically, I wanted an outside check if I operating in my ego, or in my heart and mind. I was told by a very wise soul that I am not trusting him to do the right thing, and either I trust him, or I am in the wrong relationship. I love that she phrased it that way-so blunt and it made perfect sense to me.
I know that it is MY choice and MY choice alone whether I trust others. It can only come from within, and if I try blaming others for my lack of trust in them, I am not being accountable or OWNING my power. I give up my stick. I know this, so it is a no-brainer as to the solution. I CHOOSE to trust him. I CHOOSE to trust love. I CHOOSE to trust the universe! I dont have to control everything.
I also know that I am not in the wrong relationship. I consider that option, but quickly can dismiss it because my heart KNOWS it is not the wrong relationship. I feel it with every fiber of my being, that him and I are meant. Because I know that Im not in the wrong relationship, I know that the other choice has to be true. So even when my ego is screaming and kicking and fighting, saying "I trust him as much as I can! He violated my trust! I dont have to trust him on this issue! I KNOW BEST!" I can thank my ego for sharing, and kindly tell it to shut the hell up-because I know the truth. It is either one or the other. I either trust him or shouldnt be with him. The second option isnt true, so I must change and make the first one true. I must CHOOSE to trust him!
Another amazing aspect of my growth: I didnt just let this be. I resolved that this would not happen again. In order for that to happen, I did some deep reflection into WHY exactly it was alcohol that I had an issue with. And as soon as I was open to receiving that insight, it hit me squarely in my chest. I am the one with the bad history with alcohol. I never abused it myself, but I have seen many people in my life abuse it.
I grew up seeing my uncles and aunts get shit-faced and do really stupid things. I saw them stuff their problems and emotions down with fifths of tequila. Kids arent as dumb as we think they are, and this kid picked up on a whole lot of underlying pain and unhealthiness associated with alcohol.
Then I got married. And then he turned 21. My Ex, Bug's dad, celebrated his independence from his parents by rebeling with alcohol. I couldnt drink with him because I had an infant to take care of still. We went to Vegas for his 21st birthday, and I stayed with the kid, checking out the sights and displays while my Ex drank and gambled. I didnt even taste alcohol for a long time because I knew one of us had to be sober for Bug. I wasnt just a Dedicated Driver, I was a Dedicated Parent. I secretly resented him for this, even tho I told him it was ok.
Soon, our fights increased in both intensity and frequency, and so did his alcohol consumption. The strange part is that his violent nature with me was not really linked to drinking as one would suspect. He was less violent when he was drinking. He was violent because he felt out of control and alcohol prevented that. I can see now that he was using alcohol to stuff his fears and emotions when feeling out of control. Who can blame him for choosing to cope with alcohol? I was a royal, manipulative Bitch, and I dont use that term lightly. I truly made his life hell as I spiraled out of control seeking validation and love and acceptance. Neither of us had any tools for realizing what was going on and loving ourselves-we werent ever taught any. Of course our marriage ended. We were both drowning and were grabbing each other to get our heads above water but only managed to drag each other deeper and deeper. This is the secret to marriage that no one ever talks about.
I saw my Ex abuse alcohol to stuff his pain on a daily basis. It finally got to a point where it was putting my health and the health of my son at risk, and I finally gave my Ex what he asked for: I left. I gave up on the marriage and moved out one night while he was at the bar.
I saw everyone avoiding pain with alcohol. Its all I had ever known. And many people proved me right about it! They truly were avoiding. So the man that I love so deeply, the man so close to me, when he drank, it scared the living shit out of me. Not only was I holding him in his past abuse of alcohol, I was holding him in my Ex's past abuse of alcohol. THAT is why I felt abandoned every time The Love of My Life drank, because I had felt abandoned in favor of alcohol before. In conjunction of operating in FEAR, THAT is why I got frantic and tried to control the situation.
I also stuffed these memories of alcohol deep, deep down so that I would not remember them. No wonder I hadnt made the correlation of what I was doing earlier. I hadnt thought about them consciously in years. Obviously they were still at work on a subconscious level.
It was absolutely wrong of me to live in fear and hold him in the past, especially in my past! I am so very grateful to have received this insight. I am so very grateful for the work I have done and will continue to do on this. It pains me that I caused him pain from living in my past. My heart breaks at that thought. But I am absolutely committed to be aware of what I was doing and evaluate myself to make sure Im not still doing it. I am committed to operate in love and faith and trust instead of fear.
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