Im No Longer Happy At Level 30

I had become stagnant in my growth, and slipped back down the mountain I was climbing and dragged him along with me.

I stopped journaling as much. I still journaled, but not in an effort to take a deep look at myself. I lost sight of my goal. I became complacent with where I was at. A few times I would just read over my previous entries and remember the lessons I already learned. I justified that this was enough. While I do recognize this as beneficial, it is pointless when I dont seek further learning and growth out of it. I became lost when journaling, and it lost its effectiveness. I should have known what I was doing-I didnt post my entries because I knew they werent finished. They werent any good.

I also know the frustration of trying to write and journal when nothing is coming out. No progress is being made. He was having the same issue, and instead of recognizing what truly would assist him, I told him that "Sometimes its best to not push it. Let it come out when its ready." I used my ready-made excuse for not journaling and gave it to him. No wonder he blames me for his lack of growth. Dont get me wrong, I gave him the best that I had at the time. I did the best I could with what I had. But it wasnt enough. Now I realize, no progress is being made because I have lost sight of my goal-to take a deep, honest look at myself. I could have offered that bit of insight instead.

I have learned and grown a lot in the past 5 months, with and without him. I have learned and grown a lot in the past 2 months especially. I learned new things about myself that I had no idea I was doing, and I corrected them. I worked my tail off to recognize my unhealthy behaviors and stop them, and apologize for them-and that last one was really difficult. But I was doing it, admitting when I was wrong even without him telling me I was wrong. It truly hurts the worst to know that he doesnt see that growth. But I get why he doesnt see that growth-because I didnt continue to grow. Sure, I put these new things into practice on an every day level. I was double-triple-checking myself to make sure that I wasnt saying something with a manipulative purpose. Every single day I was living with new habits. But he is human, and he didnt see the good things I was doing. All he saw was that I was stagnant-no longer seeking out ways to be better.

I am human as well. I messed up quite a few times, and did things that were WAY out of line in moments of fear and desperation. I slipped up a few times and did revert back to old habits, but I realized it and went back to stagnant. I was a chaotic graph- I started at a level 10 out of 100. I did lots of work and climbed my way up. At one point I even hit a level 70! But I evened out and rested about a level 30. I would occasionally go up a little, or down a little, but made my way back to 30 and just hung there. And that is where I am at today.

Im no longer happy being at level 30. I want to keep climbing, every day, and break thru that 100 ceiling and soar with the angels, higher and higher. And perhaps this was the perfect point in my life-just what I needed. To decide that Im no longer settling for level 30.

I just wish it would have been acheived with him still at my side. I absolutely know it could have been and would have been. I had already shared with him in detail and started the process of getting back on track and seeking out new growth 2 days before he ended it. I wish he was willing to walk side-by-side with me as I realized the rest of this.