Ding

"They are decided only to be undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, solid for fluidity, all-powerful to be impotent."

-Winston Churchill

I searched out today's quote because I had a fleeting thought of insight, and as always, it is the perfect quote. I always feel so unresolved as I argue with people. We get to a point where on the surface it seems like everything should be resolved, yet I still feel unresolved and sticky. It hit me today that maybe Im creating that uneasy feeling because I am holding onto the issues. Maybe Im not letting go of the argument and letting it be the past. Im the one not being present. Ding! Problem One.

I started thinking about what it would take for me to feel resolved. Why wouldnt I automatically feel better if he just calmed down? And lightbulb. I want an apology. Here I am throwing myself down, admitting all the things I do wrong, and I am vulnerable. I can see the things he has done wrong too. I am focusing on HIS accountability instead of my own. Ding!! Problem Two.

Plus, I feel open and vulnerable and not good enough. I want him to apologize so that we are even, both laying on the floor. Im literally wanting to drag him down to the bottom of the pit with me because I am miserable and feeling worthless and not remembering that I love myself. Im trying to feel higher than him. I am engaging in, no, initiating, a power struggle with him. DING!! Problem Three.

AND when I pull him down, I am not pushing him higher. I dont want a relationship where we pull each other lower and lower. I want and DESERVE to create a relationship where we give each other a hand up as we climb the mountain. When I pull him down, I am being self-centered and not being Outwardly Focused in Contribution to Others. I am being very conditional with my love towards him. DING!!!!!! Problem Four.

The conversations and arguments are unresolved because I am determined to make them that way, subconsciously. So I get to shift. I am absolutely resolved to be resolved! And the bells and whistles go off-ding ding ding ding ding! Charlie tell her what she has won!