Proud, Yet Humbled

I get to take a minute to celebrate my growth. I am far from the healthy level I know I will be one day, but I get to be proud and congratulate myself for the work I have done.

I havent used sex to get imitation Love to make myself feel better and desirable momentarily. That is a huge step for me. In my past, I used sex from whoever I could. I stopped that a long time ago, but I switched to using sex just from my monogamous partner. While infinitely safer and more healthy, it was still stuffing my emotions and need to be loved with a temp fix. It was putting a bandaid on a gushing head wound. I have been focusing on making love every time instead, making sure I am intimate and connected to my love as we consummate.

I have been accountable for my role in things, at least most of the time. A lot of times, it feels like I am taking complete blame for everything-and my ego HATES that. But this gets to be the first step. I get to be ok taking the blame for everything and not focusing on any one else's accountability because that is what I deserve. I deserve to be happy, and I know I will never truly be happy until I am ok taking all the accountability. And even tho its been a gut shot to hear all the bad things Im doing over and over, feeling reamed and teeny tiny and unworthy of love, Ive kept my mouth shut and not created another fight-which would have been my normal pattern of chaos.

So instead, Ive been reminding myself that I love myself. And even if he leaves, which seems more and more plausible everyday, I will still have myself and God. When I feel like everything I do is wrong and that I make his life so much worse, I just repeat that I still have myself and God. God loves me. I love me. I am That (Love). And I keep my mouth shut. I deserve, he deserves, my kids deserve for me to not lash out and cause more fights just because I dont feel good about myself.

And this last one may seem inconsequential, but I purposefully sat on the floor when we fought. He was aggressive and sat on top of the dresser, across and above the entire room. I could see his pain, so much so that he felt the need to place himself above me so he could look down at me and tell me everything I do wrong. I totally get how he was feeling, and could relate, and forced myself to be humble enough to not play his game. Forced my Ego to be ok being lower because I know deep down that I am not less of a human than him just because I am sitting lower. I was ok not being in control of the situation. That is huge for me.

So I get to pat myself on the back and be proud for the work Ive done. But I still get to be humble about the work I still get to do.