Google Was No Help

So apparently I have some serious abandonment issues as well.

We are on the phone discussing major issues about our relationship. He is taking a break at work and he feels we are at a stopping point and says he is going back to work. Nothing is really resolved, things are awful between us, and the minute he says he is leaving the conversation I panick.

Abandoned is the only word I can come up with for how I felt, and it doesnt really do the enormity of my despair justice. And all I could do was cry.

I didnt want him to know I was crying. I didnt know what to tell him about feeling abandoned. He was going back to work and whatever I said, it would be me picking a fight, causing something else, stalling, something-and it wouldnt do any good. I could see that. He wanted to go back to work and the conversation needed to be over for him.

I was stuck, immobile between the two choices of telling him and causing more shit that wouldnt get resolved, and ending the phone call and giving into the black massive force surrounding my heart. He knew something was up and demanded to know what it was-but all I could do was cry. I finally squeaked out that I didnt know how to talk about it right then-how could I? In that moment, I didnt have an easy, positive choice of how to discuss it. I didnt even really have time to process thru why I was feeling so alone and betrayed. He was pissed, said something snotty and hung up, furthering my despair.

I dont know why I feel so abandoned everytime he ends a phone call or conversation when things are unresolved. Maybe it goes back to all the times he interrupted me or hung up on me and I never got to say what I wanted to say. Maybe it goes back to all the times he walked away from me in the middle of a conversation. But he would just tell me Im living in the past and to get over it. He doesnt get that I dont know how to erase all that pain.

I dont WANT to feel lost and alone when people walk away from me. I dont WANT to feel desperate and helpless every time he hangs up on me. But I do. And in that moment of darkness, I dont know how to tell him how Im feeling without creating more arguments or prolonging an unresolved conversation.

I dont even know what personal work on myself I can do that would help abandonment issues. And Google was no help.