Old, Unhealthy Habits

Im so lost.

Today, I felt ignored and unimportant to him. He all of a sudden stopped a text conversation we were having and ignored my texts and phone calls for over an hour, when I thought he would be off work and driving, and I got worried. When I finally did hear back from him, I was so upset and I reacted in my old familar ways of snappiness and tone. He snapped right back at me. I recognized myself as not being in a place to talk and ended the phone call. I said, "We are both snapping and I need to talk about this later."

This may not seem like much to anyone. In fact, it may have been not the best thing to say. But it was a huge step for me and I am insanely proud of myself for saying it.

First off, I was accountable. I didnt blame him for everything or say that it was just him snapping. I said that WE were snapping. And I recognized and verbally was accountable to him that I was not in the proper space to talk about it right then.

It was vastly different than what I said last august, in a similar situation, where I blamed him for everything and did not admit any part in not being in the proper space to speak. In the come-to-Jebus I had with the Guru before, this in particular was something I debated at length about. I defended what I had said in August and he beat it into my skull that I am not allowed to point out others parts until I am fully accountable for mine first. To be accountable, I get to verbally say that I am included in the unhealthy discussion. So I am so proud of myself that I was accountable, even subconsciously, to the point where without thinking, I was verbally accountable.

Im still having difficulties with other people pointing out my part and blaming me without being accountable themselves. When he tells me everything that Im doing wrong, especially when he is doing the same thing, without being accountable for his part, it is like nails on a chalkboard. The hairs on my neck and arms stand straight up and it drives me crazy. I keep reminding myself that these are MY rules, not his, and he doesnt have to follow them. I remind myself that maybe there is something Im missing and that he is being accountable for his part. I remind myself that I follow my rules to make MY life better and I get to just focus on me.

But its not working.

So it eats at me, and eats at me, and eats at me, until I finally say something like, "So its all me? You arent doing it either???"

Not very mature. I know. I DONT GET TO POINT OUT HIS UNTIL I AM FULLY ACCOUNTABLE FOR MINE. Its hard sometimes. And I slip into my old, unhealthy habits.

He goes to end the conversation, blaming me for everything, and I panick. Again. I want to scream ITS NOT ALL ME! KNOCK IT OFF! LET ME FINISH WHAT I WAS SAYING!!! YOU INTERRUPTED AND I NEVER GOT TO FINISH WHAT I WAS SAYING!!!

I WANT TO BE HEARD!!!!!! I WANT TO BE IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO LISTEN TO!!!!!!

But I dont. I dont scream. I panick and slip the few words I can in before he hangs up, because I know he will. He always does. And he gets to the point of yelling and swearing again. Boom. Just like that. "DONT YOU FUCKING TELL ME.."

That is as far as he got before my fight or flight kicked in. My old, unhealthy habits. And it was flight. It was always flight. I hung up the phone, hitting about 12 buttons along the way, and hid from the phone. I ran into the next room, into the closet, and hid in a pile of blankets and sobbed until I couldnt breathe and my son checked on me because he was scared. I hid from a phone. I feel so ridiculous. And guilty for scaring my son.

I dont know why it scares me so bad when he yells and swears. I get its a part of my history, and yelling and swearing like that always accompanied a large man closing in on me in a corner. That same wrenching in my gut always comes up when I hear it, just like it did when I was helpless and scared. The sobbing is immediate and I want a safe place where he cant find me. Even if the he is on the other end of the phone. I know its just yelling and swearing, yet in the moment, it just doesnt seem to matter.

And I slip further into my old, unhealthy habits that Ive been working my ass off to change.