Surgery Equals Fear

So.. I'm having surgery next week sometime.

Last Wednesday, as I was writing a post in fact, I felt a familiar pain start creeping into my stomach and chest. Ive had a few episodes but they quickly went away and I assumed it was heartburn or really backed up constipation or something. This time was different. The pain was starting to get really intense so I scooped up Beauty and hobbled down the stairs as fast as I could. I called to my sister to take the baby and I collapsed on the floor, rolling around in agony. I was screaming and yelling and crying and trying every position I could think of to relieve the pain. After a few minutes my mom asked me if I needed to see a doctor, and I decline. She offered several more times and it took several more upswings of pain to convince me I needed to go.

I threw some pins in my hair to hold back the rocker locks and put on the closest shoes. I made a couple calls to make sure my kids were going to be taken care of but had to hang up on them so they didn't hear me yelling out every curse word I know and calling for my mommy in between the few gasp of air I could force into my tight chest. I couldn't wait any longer. We were headed for the nearest Instacare. The pain went down a little in the car but the nausea kicked in. I thought I was going to die right there in the front seat. Quick detour to the hospital and I collapsed on the front desk of the Emergency Room.

They checked me in quickly and got me to a bed. First question? "You didn't drive yourself here did you?!?" The hunky firefighter nurse asked me what the pain felt like and he tried to not laugh at my response.. It felt like my stomach had ate itself, wasn't satisfied so it went after all my other organs, and then the claw from the Toy Shoppe machine rip my overfull stomach from the center of my core. He gave me the lovely morphine, least I could do was make him smile that gorgeous smile.

Aaaahhhhhh.. (hey I'm a single gal and looks like I will be for quite some time, leave me to my fantasies!)

It was pretty easy to guess that my gallbladder had given up. The ultrasound confirmed and my doctor was trying to book me a surgery for the next morning. Just as I give in and start figuring out options for watching the kids, we find out the OR board is completely booked. Damn. So I have to wait to see a specialist surgeon until next week and then wait even longer to see when he can book my surgery. In the meantime, I have a diet from hell to prevent another attack and all the worry I can muster.

I am in constant pain, it has decreased to a bearable level but still wearing me down. The nausea and dizziness has taken over most of my symptom space. But the most captivating? The soul shattering fear.

I am shaking thinking about the endless possibilities of how things could go wrong. And I know that being in fear, I am not living as my highest self. Yet how do I move past the fear? How do you conquer your fear of death? Fear of pain? Fear of being ill?

Perhaps by being present I can quash some of that fear. Living the moments I do have. But I can't help but go back to the image of my kids crying for Mommy and not being able to pick them up..

I need a hug.