Fear hides who I truly am. When I live in fear, I am hiding who I am from the world and I become someone I truly detest. Boring. Flaky. Fake. Scared. Alone.
Because fear crushes passion. (Huge insight into why my love life has so many problems!)
But that applies to ALL aspects of my life. Reading letters I wrote a long time ago, when I was happy and living from a space of love, I expressed my excitement to see my son. I was sick to my stomach as I could feel the love I had for him reaching off the page. It had been so long since I had been so passionate about my son. I'm ashamed to say I chose to make parenting him a chore rather than a privilege and pleasure. I looked forward to my days alone and resented his misbehavior.
I know he may one day read this and be hurt to hear the truth. But I know that he already feels the effects of my choice. He seeks attention and approval and I've made him fear upsetting me. I've already put him on a death spiral headed straight for a life of pain. No wonder giving him attention and time doesn't make a difference-he feels my anger and resentment and misery spending time with him.
And he can thank his new sister for opening my eyes to what I've been doing. How could I forget how much I love my little man?!? How could I forget the tears of absolute joy as he left my womb and entered the world?!? Having a new baby that I love so much has renewed my love and appreciation for his unique sweet spirit. And now when he cries for mommy, my heart breaks and I want to cradle him in my arms again. No more "is it bedtime yet?" bull shit!!!
I can finally say, my son is THE shit, not A shit, for testing my patience and misbehaving! He has given me so many opportunities to learn and I am 100% grateful for him for the first time!
I enjoy motherhood a thousand time more now that my eyes have been opened. And what a time because I now am so blessed to be mothering two amazing Bugs! This new angel has changed everything. Im loving it.
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