Seeking Forgiveness

There has been a long standing debate between and within my friends about "I'm sorry" and "I apologize." Some even refuse both and say something along the lines of, "I'm accountable for what I did and I commit to not do it again." Ive often wondered where I sit between all of these options and here are my thoughts.

I understand not wanting to succumb to the normal apologetic responses. They are over-worked and essentially meaningless to some people. How many times were we all forced to apologize to people as kids? "Say you're sorry to Mr. Johnson, Timmy!" And grumble out a half-hearted sorry to the man standing there with an expectant hand on his hip. And the feelings associated with being a sorry person, like I am a lesser person than the one I am apologizing to.

"I apologize" has always held a forced and sarcastic undertone for me so I've avoided using it and not trusted those who have used it. I get that it is me that who is assigned value and misinterpreting the message. Yet it is still over-used and insincere by most expressing it.

So to express heartfelt apologies to those we have hurt or offended, we resort to using superlatives to show how really super truly so very sorry we are. Like that makes people believe me more and show that I am once again trustworthy?

This dilemma of apologizing and in conjunction, seeking forgiveness, has spread poisonous threads further thru my life. My uncomfortableness and confusion over expressing my heart, mixed with my huge fear of being wrong and therefore alone, I usually end up not saying anything at all. Or, if I do say something, it comes out distorted and I offend people even worse. I know that if I conquer my fear of being alone, and become at peace (or even excited!) with the prospect of being wrong, I will not hesitate as much. Yet Im still stumped as to what will convey how much I wish I could take back what I did and my determination to be better.

I am not granted forgiveness, for this and a slew of other reasons. As long as I make the proper changes within myself, what does it matter, right? Here is where the poison spreads.. I learned a month or two ago that I base my forgiveness of MYSELF on gaining the forgiveness of others. If others do not forgive me, I am unworthy of ALL forgiveness. I learned that a huge part of living a healthy life and breaking my avoidance cycles is letting go of my past and forgiving myself!

My past reminds me of what a horrible person I am and reaffirms my negative self-talk that I SUCK. So I step into my power, remember who I really am and that I ROCK! But without forgiveness of myself, my past keeps creeping up and sinking its talons into my happiness and dragging me back to my pit.

I've been actively working on forgiving myself, and not basing my forgiveness on OTHERS. I get to be the star in my life! I decide if I'm forgiven or not! I give myself the forgiveness, because I have all the love and faith in myself I could ask for! So without the stress and NEED to gain approval, I'm not afraid to be accountable for my actions! I dont stress about my apologies as much!

So I come back to the debate over how to express it, while being healthy and loving myself. Recently I was really rude to someone I love. While I was asking for forgiveness from them, I knew I needed to forgive myself as well. So how do I ask for forgiveness while instantaneously forgiving myself? Does my forgiveness of myself taint or diminish my apology?

What does "I'm sorry" mean anyway? I am literally saying, I am SORRY. I am defining who I am by the word sorry. What do you think of when I ask you to think of "a sorry man?" I think of a miserable, lonely bum who has reached an awful point of life. I do NOT want to define my being as "sorry." I am a divine, loving, creative, passionate woman of light! No where in there coincides with sorry.

Even "I feel sorry" sounds like I am lowering my light, instead of honoring the awesome person I am. I am agreeing with my icky ego when it tells me I SUCK.

I get to live as I ROCK! I AM awesome, even mid-apology. I get to apologize, genuine and heartfelt, and offer myself the forgiveness I seek. If I don't get that forgiveness from them, then I hope they find peace, for their own sake.

So among my several recent attempts at finding a balance of self-love and forgiveness, while being accountable to those I have caused pain, I have found this to bring the most light to my life:

I apologize for what I've done, and I realize that I was wrong. You don't deserve for me to degrade and belittle you and it wasn't my intention to hurt you. I will be more aware of what I'm doing and your feelings so this does not happen again.

And I mean it with all my heart. Because I am not changing FOR them, Im making myself better because I WANT TO. I forgive myself for making a mistake and am determined to learn from it. So I feel good expressing my apologies in that way without SEEKING forgiveness! If it happens, I am grateful! If not, I am at peace still! And I am excited at how much MORE AWESOME I AM by choosing better!