Healthy, Whole Family

My first thought when Booboo started acting out when we brought Beauty was home was that he missed our one on one time. Its the first thing people tell me, give him more alone attention, whether I ask for their input or not. But I really don't think that's what it is, and I promise this isn't coming from an afraid-to-be-wrong space. I've tried giving him more one on one time and attention, but he blows me off. I ask him if he wants to play a game with me or watch a movie with me and he tells me no. He literally blows me off and silly me I thought I had 10 more years before that would happen. Four going on fifteen! It doesn't seem to matter how much attention I give him, his attitude doesn't change. His attitude DOES change when I get him out of the house and get him physically active.

A big part is being 4 and full of energy and having an exhausted momma who doesn't want to run or even go anywhere. By the time people get here and can help watch the kids, I'm so tired and I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. I'm hoping getting my body back in balance and healed and eating healthy food will give me more energy. (Did you know that if you have an over-abundance of yeast in your body, you will eat more sugars, and every time you eat fruit or grains, you create alcohol in your intestines? Yeah. That minor yeast infection is looking a bit more important now.)

But with as little as he gets out at the moment, he acts out and then he gets in trouble. Mix that with my need to be in control (control what he does, when he can play, how loud he is, etc) and he feels completely out of control, so he uses anger to feel more in control. And I've tried giving him little decisions and having him earn up to bigger decisions, but I realized that is what my parents always did and it didn't work and it left me feeling out of control and lacking faith in myself and my abilities. Like I'm not capable of making my own decisions, always doubting myself and unable to make a decision. Those around me can TESTIFY of this! Shopping? Nightmare!

So the other morning I actually did a lil shorthand writing about it and I want him to have more freedom. Not even me "giving" him freedom, because its already his! God gave him that power and when I try to control it or take it away, I am sucking his energy out and he will develop life long ways of trying to get it back. Equals all unhealthy relationships. Ouch! Hits hard in my fear of being a bad mother and screwing up my kids..

I was pretty inspired by a couple photographers I met.. They seem so happy together. Sweetie this and sweetie that, and reading their blog and talking to the wife, I know they are getting some buttons pushed by their daughter. She's 3. I've been there, gotten the sunburn and bought the t shirt. I know how it can be.
I was always told and taught that you have to show the kid boundaries, but I think I took it too extreme and used it as an excuse to seek control externally. I was really touched by the way these parents ASKED her to do things and didn't force her. They convinced her. "Will you please move over here sweetie so I can get a picture of Booboo?" And I realize that's how the most powerful people in my life have worked with me. Especially teachers. I didn't HAVE to do the work, but my math test will probably be better if I do. Kinda the whole, attracting bees with honey rather than vinegar. Leading a horse to water but can't make em drink, so you drink water and talk about how cooling and refreshing it is and turn your back so the horse thinks you don't know it snuck a sip or two.

So I tried it a bit with Booboo this morning. He had certain chores he had to do before he could play games. And he said he didn't wanna do em. "Ok that's fine by me, but you have to do em before you can play." So he did em. I asked him for help and he said "No, I'm taking a break right now." "Ok, will you help me later?" And he said yes when he was done with his break. 20 min later he said he was done with his break and asked if he could play wii, and I reminded him that he said he would help me when he was done with his break. And he did it.

Usually I demand that the help I want be given NOW. And I keep being reminded of the typically marriage battle.. I would ask X to take out the trash and he wouldn't for days. I would always say, "If I wanted you to take out the trash sometime this week, I would say that! I asked you to take out the trash because it needs to be taken out NOW!" Yeah, I was winning no awards for Wife of the Year. But that is part of the difference in men and women I learned in a communication workshop. That's just another item on the to do list for him to accomplish when and how he wants. And if for some reason it truly, honestly needs to happen now, I can do it myself or explain and convince him why it needs to be done sooner(garbage man is down the street and if we miss him the can is going to overflow).

I see how my fears and insecurities have created the exact same thing and cycle in Booboo.. And I'm pretty damn grateful to The Phoenix Paradigm for showing me the tools so I can figure stuff like this out. Before its too late.

Its a step or two closer to a healthy whole family.