Ding

"They are decided only to be undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, solid for fluidity, all-powerful to be impotent."

-Winston Churchill

I searched out today's quote because I had a fleeting thought of insight, and as always, it is the perfect quote. I always feel so unresolved as I argue with people. We get to a point where on the surface it seems like everything should be resolved, yet I still feel unresolved and sticky. It hit me today that maybe Im creating that uneasy feeling because I am holding onto the issues. Maybe Im not letting go of the argument and letting it be the past. Im the one not being present. Ding! Problem One.

I started thinking about what it would take for me to feel resolved. Why wouldnt I automatically feel better if he just calmed down? And lightbulb. I want an apology. Here I am throwing myself down, admitting all the things I do wrong, and I am vulnerable. I can see the things he has done wrong too. I am focusing on HIS accountability instead of my own. Ding!! Problem Two.

Plus, I feel open and vulnerable and not good enough. I want him to apologize so that we are even, both laying on the floor. Im literally wanting to drag him down to the bottom of the pit with me because I am miserable and feeling worthless and not remembering that I love myself. Im trying to feel higher than him. I am engaging in, no, initiating, a power struggle with him. DING!! Problem Three.

AND when I pull him down, I am not pushing him higher. I dont want a relationship where we pull each other lower and lower. I want and DESERVE to create a relationship where we give each other a hand up as we climb the mountain. When I pull him down, I am being self-centered and not being Outwardly Focused in Contribution to Others. I am being very conditional with my love towards him. DING!!!!!! Problem Four.

The conversations and arguments are unresolved because I am determined to make them that way, subconsciously. So I get to shift. I am absolutely resolved to be resolved! And the bells and whistles go off-ding ding ding ding ding! Charlie tell her what she has won!

Proud, Yet Humbled

I get to take a minute to celebrate my growth. I am far from the healthy level I know I will be one day, but I get to be proud and congratulate myself for the work I have done.

I havent used sex to get imitation Love to make myself feel better and desirable momentarily. That is a huge step for me. In my past, I used sex from whoever I could. I stopped that a long time ago, but I switched to using sex just from my monogamous partner. While infinitely safer and more healthy, it was still stuffing my emotions and need to be loved with a temp fix. It was putting a bandaid on a gushing head wound. I have been focusing on making love every time instead, making sure I am intimate and connected to my love as we consummate.

I have been accountable for my role in things, at least most of the time. A lot of times, it feels like I am taking complete blame for everything-and my ego HATES that. But this gets to be the first step. I get to be ok taking the blame for everything and not focusing on any one else's accountability because that is what I deserve. I deserve to be happy, and I know I will never truly be happy until I am ok taking all the accountability. And even tho its been a gut shot to hear all the bad things Im doing over and over, feeling reamed and teeny tiny and unworthy of love, Ive kept my mouth shut and not created another fight-which would have been my normal pattern of chaos.

So instead, Ive been reminding myself that I love myself. And even if he leaves, which seems more and more plausible everyday, I will still have myself and God. When I feel like everything I do is wrong and that I make his life so much worse, I just repeat that I still have myself and God. God loves me. I love me. I am That (Love). And I keep my mouth shut. I deserve, he deserves, my kids deserve for me to not lash out and cause more fights just because I dont feel good about myself.

And this last one may seem inconsequential, but I purposefully sat on the floor when we fought. He was aggressive and sat on top of the dresser, across and above the entire room. I could see his pain, so much so that he felt the need to place himself above me so he could look down at me and tell me everything I do wrong. I totally get how he was feeling, and could relate, and forced myself to be humble enough to not play his game. Forced my Ego to be ok being lower because I know deep down that I am not less of a human than him just because I am sitting lower. I was ok not being in control of the situation. That is huge for me.

So I get to pat myself on the back and be proud for the work Ive done. But I still get to be humble about the work I still get to do.

Serves Me Quite Perfectly

"Journal:
•diary: a daily written record of (usually personal) experiences and observations
•a periodical dedicated to a particular subject; "he reads the medical journals"
•daybook: a ledger in which transactions have been recorded as they occurred
•a record book as a physical object"

-Princeton's WordNet 3.0

Ive been thinking lately about the title of this blog, and whether it was fitting or not. I use this blog as a journal, keeping most entries public. Occasionally, I wont publish an entry if I feel it isnt finished or it is a vent session. But I havent felt like my entries have qualified to be a "journey" since I dont feel like Im going anywhere.

But then again, I was describing my journaling on this blog to a family member and I realized the similarity of the words "journal" and "journey." My journal follows my every day journey. The third definition that Princeton gives absolutely describes this online journal. I was getting so caught up and beating myself up that I was not producing quality entries or seemingly making any progress on a DAILY basis, as the first definition would indicate. But I get to be happy recording my journey as it happens, and let go of the expectations I was placing on myself for quick progress. I move at the perfect pace, even if it doesnt seem like it all the time. Its perfect for me and serves me quite perfectly!

FAITH in Love, not FEAR

"Fear-False Evidence Appearing Real
Faith-Full Assurance In The Heart"

-Username ChristineKV from HubPages.com

The first acronym she uses reminds me of the first conversation that the Love of My Life and I had several weeks ago. We had been texting and he had a breakthru he wanted to share with me, so he called. That conversation was so intense and real, and it was the first time I had ever felt any sort of resolve with him and the relationship we had.

He shared with me that he finally realized why all the work he had been doing to learn to love himself wasnt working. He always had loved himself, he had just forgotten that he did, so OF COURSE the work wasnt working! I felt a familarity with this concept as soon as he shared it. It made sense to my mind and my heart-so rare! What immediately came up for me was that Love could not exist at the same time as Fear. The two are mutually exclusive.

So, if I love myself, and always have, then I could not possibly be scared about ANYTHING. All the fear I felt was an illusion, a fairy tale my ego had cooked up and imagined. Because I do love myself, in my heart and my mind-my ego just makes me forget sometimes.

It was perfect for me to find these acronyms today to remind me that the Fear isnt real. Only Love exists, and I know because I feel it deep in my heart. I have Full Assurance In my Heart that Love surrounds me. And the minute I remember that I love myself, I no longer feel the desperation that was overcoming me.

Google Was No Help

So apparently I have some serious abandonment issues as well.

We are on the phone discussing major issues about our relationship. He is taking a break at work and he feels we are at a stopping point and says he is going back to work. Nothing is really resolved, things are awful between us, and the minute he says he is leaving the conversation I panick.

Abandoned is the only word I can come up with for how I felt, and it doesnt really do the enormity of my despair justice. And all I could do was cry.

I didnt want him to know I was crying. I didnt know what to tell him about feeling abandoned. He was going back to work and whatever I said, it would be me picking a fight, causing something else, stalling, something-and it wouldnt do any good. I could see that. He wanted to go back to work and the conversation needed to be over for him.

I was stuck, immobile between the two choices of telling him and causing more shit that wouldnt get resolved, and ending the phone call and giving into the black massive force surrounding my heart. He knew something was up and demanded to know what it was-but all I could do was cry. I finally squeaked out that I didnt know how to talk about it right then-how could I? In that moment, I didnt have an easy, positive choice of how to discuss it. I didnt even really have time to process thru why I was feeling so alone and betrayed. He was pissed, said something snotty and hung up, furthering my despair.

I dont know why I feel so abandoned everytime he ends a phone call or conversation when things are unresolved. Maybe it goes back to all the times he interrupted me or hung up on me and I never got to say what I wanted to say. Maybe it goes back to all the times he walked away from me in the middle of a conversation. But he would just tell me Im living in the past and to get over it. He doesnt get that I dont know how to erase all that pain.

I dont WANT to feel lost and alone when people walk away from me. I dont WANT to feel desperate and helpless every time he hangs up on me. But I do. And in that moment of darkness, I dont know how to tell him how Im feeling without creating more arguments or prolonging an unresolved conversation.

I dont even know what personal work on myself I can do that would help abandonment issues. And Google was no help.

Old, Unhealthy Habits

Im so lost.

Today, I felt ignored and unimportant to him. He all of a sudden stopped a text conversation we were having and ignored my texts and phone calls for over an hour, when I thought he would be off work and driving, and I got worried. When I finally did hear back from him, I was so upset and I reacted in my old familar ways of snappiness and tone. He snapped right back at me. I recognized myself as not being in a place to talk and ended the phone call. I said, "We are both snapping and I need to talk about this later."

This may not seem like much to anyone. In fact, it may have been not the best thing to say. But it was a huge step for me and I am insanely proud of myself for saying it.

First off, I was accountable. I didnt blame him for everything or say that it was just him snapping. I said that WE were snapping. And I recognized and verbally was accountable to him that I was not in the proper space to talk about it right then.

It was vastly different than what I said last august, in a similar situation, where I blamed him for everything and did not admit any part in not being in the proper space to speak. In the come-to-Jebus I had with the Guru before, this in particular was something I debated at length about. I defended what I had said in August and he beat it into my skull that I am not allowed to point out others parts until I am fully accountable for mine first. To be accountable, I get to verbally say that I am included in the unhealthy discussion. So I am so proud of myself that I was accountable, even subconsciously, to the point where without thinking, I was verbally accountable.

Im still having difficulties with other people pointing out my part and blaming me without being accountable themselves. When he tells me everything that Im doing wrong, especially when he is doing the same thing, without being accountable for his part, it is like nails on a chalkboard. The hairs on my neck and arms stand straight up and it drives me crazy. I keep reminding myself that these are MY rules, not his, and he doesnt have to follow them. I remind myself that maybe there is something Im missing and that he is being accountable for his part. I remind myself that I follow my rules to make MY life better and I get to just focus on me.

But its not working.

So it eats at me, and eats at me, and eats at me, until I finally say something like, "So its all me? You arent doing it either???"

Not very mature. I know. I DONT GET TO POINT OUT HIS UNTIL I AM FULLY ACCOUNTABLE FOR MINE. Its hard sometimes. And I slip into my old, unhealthy habits.

He goes to end the conversation, blaming me for everything, and I panick. Again. I want to scream ITS NOT ALL ME! KNOCK IT OFF! LET ME FINISH WHAT I WAS SAYING!!! YOU INTERRUPTED AND I NEVER GOT TO FINISH WHAT I WAS SAYING!!!

I WANT TO BE HEARD!!!!!! I WANT TO BE IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO LISTEN TO!!!!!!

But I dont. I dont scream. I panick and slip the few words I can in before he hangs up, because I know he will. He always does. And he gets to the point of yelling and swearing again. Boom. Just like that. "DONT YOU FUCKING TELL ME.."

That is as far as he got before my fight or flight kicked in. My old, unhealthy habits. And it was flight. It was always flight. I hung up the phone, hitting about 12 buttons along the way, and hid from the phone. I ran into the next room, into the closet, and hid in a pile of blankets and sobbed until I couldnt breathe and my son checked on me because he was scared. I hid from a phone. I feel so ridiculous. And guilty for scaring my son.

I dont know why it scares me so bad when he yells and swears. I get its a part of my history, and yelling and swearing like that always accompanied a large man closing in on me in a corner. That same wrenching in my gut always comes up when I hear it, just like it did when I was helpless and scared. The sobbing is immediate and I want a safe place where he cant find me. Even if the he is on the other end of the phone. I know its just yelling and swearing, yet in the moment, it just doesnt seem to matter.

And I slip further into my old, unhealthy habits that Ive been working my ass off to change.

Maybe Its Time

"Thomas Edison found 1000 ways to NOT make a light bulb. He never once had a failure."

-Unknown

The first thing that came up for me when I read this quote was that all the times I try to figure out my life and make no progress, Im still not failing. Im figuring out what I DONT want in life.

But even more powerful to me is that its all about perspective. Maybe the horrible things in my life are just horrible because of how I see them right now. And maybe its time for a new perspective.

Lost Today

Life has been really different now that Ive been (somewhat) accountable in my own life. But Ive had a really bad day today..


I still feel really guilty for what I did to Mr Rebound. He was certainly not blameless in how things happened, but he opened his heart and home to me and I essentially ripped out his heart and told him that he just wasnt good enough. What he doesnt get is that I am the one who just wasnt good enough. I wasnt emotionally available to him because Im still so caught up, head over heels for the man whose baby I carry inside me. I didnt realize what I was doing to Mr Rebound, which is perhaps what scares me the most. If I didnt mean to do it to him, its very plausible that I will be hurt in the same way by someone else not meaning harm either. And I am scared shitless.

My guilt and fear leave me scarred and its easy for the man who knows me best to pick up on my energy. The Love of My Life tells me that I can be honest with him about what is going on for me, so I tell him the truth about myself. I admit all my faults and fears and leave myself vulnerable.

Nevermind that shattering sound. It was just my heart as you tell me that you want to take steps backwards with our relationship, that is virtually nonexistant anyway. You want to be with me even less because of what I told you. Unconditional Love MY ASS!

Oh, but if I tell him that Im hurt, the same shit happens. He ends the conversation and blames me for all of it. Yep, you are right, I do have choices (thanks, by the way, for throwing that back in my face). I can choose between telling him the open and honest truth (and subsequently he leaves me again) or I can close off. But he doesnt see how he has only left me the two choices. And its even more proof that I cannot be open and honest about how Im feeling without some backlash from him.

Because feeling rejected from one huge source in my life isnt enough, home life is a catastrophe. Im guilt tripped because I dont spend enough time here, yet when I am home, its absolutely miserable. Im told that I am a burden to those living here, an inconvience. Yet, at the same time, Im told in no uncertain terms that Im horrible for not being home and spending time with those who enjoy me. Every single moment is awful and I want to get away from it.

Why do I let it all get to me? Because I rely on those around me to determine how much Im worth.

On top of everything, Im dealing with a new, changing pregnant body. Hormones are definately still flying and Im overcome with the urge to cry at everything. I feel fat and ugly at the looseness surrounding my entire body, attributed to pregnancy hormones detoning every muscle. I do not feel beautiful or motherly or angelic like I remember feeling with my first pregnancy. My stomach is huge, big even for the 5 months along that I am. And being unemployed for several months, I do not have money to purchase clothes that fit or flatter my new shape. I dont even have money to satisfy my cravings for snacks. Hormones have also blessed me with acne and stringy, flat hair. Every time I look in the mirror, its a struggle to not be repulsed. But again, no one seems to understand or have sympathy. And I just want to be beautiful again.

Im lost again today.

New Path Along The Journey

In the days between My Breakdown on the Interstate (copyrighting this for a book one day, I swear) and when I finally spoke with the Guru, I lost my apartment and job, again. The owner of the business and complex attempted to push his way into my unit while I was undressed, and I very rudely told him NO! What he did was a felony, but that does not justify or excuse the way I spoke to him. He fired me the next day, citing monetary reasons but telling other employees that I was just "too snotty" to work with. My work performance was spotless and above and beyond for only having worked there for a week. Without the job, I could not keep the apartment.

The amazing friend I lived near took my troubles very personally and developed an unhealthy state of responsibility for me. I felt bad, so I basically removed myself completely from her life. I stopped being at home, because that was also where she was. I stopped hanging out and giving details of my life to her. I spent a lot of time at my parents house, and at the same time, I started dating Mr Rebound and spent a ridiculous amount of time at his house. Avoiding, and I knew it.

I kept my relationship with him very secretive because I was afraid of the judgment I would get from my friends and family if they knew I was dating while I was pregnant. Hell, I knew I shouldnt be dating at the time. Finally, it all came out. I let him into my life and introduced him to my family. I was losing my housing so I moved into my parents house but spent all my time at his house.

I learned so much from Mr Rebound. First of all, that I was rebounding. I didnt want a relationship, I just didnt want to be alone. I wanted to avoid and escape. And because I didnt really want to be in a relationship, I caused fights to create reason to leave and break up. Singing my Victim Story all the way. Second, I learned what it is like to date someone else with kids. I have a whole new compassion for Mr Leave Me Alone and what he went thru with Bug. I get how it is possible to love someone else's kid so fully but not be able to be in a relationship with the parent. I finally get the difficulties of meeting and being around that child's mother, the ex wife of Mr Rebound. And I finally get the fear he must have experienced entering into my family when it had already been established as me and Bug. Lastly, I learned what it is like to be in a place I could never consider home. I was always so hurt by Mr Leave Me Alone's rejection of my home, because it was never his house or home. Even if he lived there, it was all my things and the hesitation that came from moving or touching anything. I have a whole new respect and empathy for the turmoil he experienced.

After ending the relationship with Mr Rebound, I felt supremely guilty because I knew exactly the rejection and loss he must be feeling. And I am accountable for creating that pain for him. Yet, I know ending it was the right thing for both of us and that he will find who he is really looking for eventually. The person who I was being was not who I really am. There are only two men who know Who I Really Am and Was Created To Be, and one is still sitting on his cloud throne smiling and laughing at the progress Im making.

The biggest lesson I learned from the relationship with Mr Rebound was to trust myself. I knew that it didnt feel right being with him. I knew there was something that was missing from our relationship, that spark, that recognition of each other's souls. I convinced myself that it was unnecessary, and ignored the feeling inside me that told me he wasnt the one I was meant to be with. The moment I ended the relationship, I knew that OF COURSE I didnt feel those things with him, because I was still feeling that recognition for Mr Leave Me Alone, and I could only feel it for one person.

Mr Leave Me Alone is not who he truly is. It was a facade he had on to learn his own very important lessons. He is, and will always be The Love of My Life, and the father of my child. No matter how much I shut off my heart to avoid feeling that love for him, no matter how many ways I ignore him and cut him out of my life or mind, no matter how many times he breaks my heart into a million peices, he will always be the one. Deep down, I love Who He Really Is and Was Created To Be.

Even tho I truly love this man, I cannot resume the life I had with him. I have some very negative habits that I get to resolve first. Together as a couple, we had too many negative habits and routines that cannot be shifted from inside that space. I get to continue working on myself, take up the journaling that I avoided and take a deep look at myself, no matter how scary that might be.

I am truly amazed at that bit of clarity that came thru when I finally took a step in the right direction. When I finally followed those feeling in myself to leave that rebound relationship, I could finally see what I was really doing, what I had learned, and that I deserved to stop avoiding myself. I get to make major shifts in my life, not to change me, but to change my habits that lead to My Breakdown on the Interstate. As I opened that space in my life, I gained clarity and peace in my dealings with the Love of My Life and saw him for who he truly is. As I follow this path, I am gaining new insight every day on how I am avoiding and how I am living my victim story and how I am hurting those around me. I am blessed to have him and God walking beside me hand-in-hand-in-hand along this new path I get to pave in my life.

When Will I Learn?

I moved on the week that marked the anniversary of him and I meeting and instantly falling in love. The last 2 posts were both during that week. A day later, I broke down and gave into those feelings I had for him. I wrote him a letter, remembering what he told me the night he first said he loved me, the night I first gave into loving him. He told me that my past and my mistakes were not why he was in love with me. How perfectly fitting for him to say, considering the many mistakes we both had made in our relationship together. I dropped the letter and a bottle of sparkling cider off at his doorstep after a night of moving.

I did not write the letter for any specific reaction or for him to suddenly say, "You're right, let's be together." I wanted him to know how I was feeling, and that I remembered the significance of that night. Altho, it did not even enter my mind that he would be so upset at me for leaving that letter. I went right back to a scared and small place, hiding from his venom.

I was devastated after that final blow. What had I done to be so unlovable to the man I loved so fully? I was so hurt and began questioning why to even continue living. The same senarios that played before my eyes last April sprung straight to the surface again. Instantly, I felt insanely guilty because I not only wanted to end my life, but the life of my unborn child and my living, breathing, wonderful bundle of happiness in the backseat. I stopped the car, right there on the side of the freeway and sobbed until I had no more fluids or emotion in me. I knew my kids deserved me to seek assistance so I texted the only person I could trust to assist me, The Guru. Unfortunately, The Guru is also his brother.

It was several days before I actually got to speak to him, and by that point, I had put several layers of armor back on. Hiding in my little cave, I answered the phone and was immediately put on the defensive. It was difficult for me to even ask for help, and when I did, I was told my life was a complete mess because of me. That everything in my life was my fault, and that nothing in my life would get better until I changed.

It was a slap in the face. When I started to defend myself, I was told that I was untrustworthy and manipulative and that I was still spinning and stuck in my Victim Story. Poor, poor pitiful you, snap out of it. I felt like he just kept telling me how everything that happened with his brother was my fault, and that he was some kind of saint now while I was still the megabitch. I kept asking him to stop talking about Mr Leave Me Alone, but he refused. Finally, some of the things that he shared with me sunk in a little bit.

It is still hard for me to write this even now, because I still feel hurt and defensive about the way he approached it and the things he said. I get that he had a lot of anger towards me, and I still feel like he blames me for his brother's hard times. I dont like being told I need to change, because I feel like Im being told Im not good enough the way I am. I want to tell my story of how picked on I was, how I just cant find anyone to love me, and how I am a product of my environment. I want to be the victim, because if I get pity from other people, I dont have to love myself.

I was given a homework assignment to take a deep long look into my life and journal. Journal about what I really want, to feel the way I feel when I blame everyone but myself or to actualize my dreams come true. I literally wrote, on the sheet where I wrote my homework, Fuck You Guru. I tried to journal and every time I did, it was very shallow. I was not admitting any accountability in my life and I wasnt getting any where. I could see that I was being shallow, and yet as I kept journaling, nothing changed! I got very frustrated and gave up for the time being. And I said a permanent farewell to Mr Leave Me Alone.

I shared with a friend that I was done with him and needed distractions to not think of him ever again. She obliged with a nice, well-meaning single dad she thought I would hit it off with. I threw my hands up in the air and said, What the Hell. I met him and started dating him the next week. What a perfect distraction from having to think about working on myself. When will I learn? When will I grow up and take control of my own life?

Letting Go of My Fairy Tale

I do miss him terribly. I shared this with a close friend and she promptly told me to just forget about him bc he has been an asshole to me and isn't worth my heart break. Strangely, that didn't make anything better. But I did start wondering what exactly I miss about him.

I miss having him there every day and deciding what is for dinner together. I miss going grocery shopping with him. I miss the joking and laughing we would do in the car while singing songs loud and off key. I miss being happy with him. I miss having company in the car and him driving. Yet I know, a lot of that happiness was all conditional. We loved each other when we acted in a way that was pleasing to the other.

But I also miss doing things for him just to see him smile. I miss packing him a lunch and surprising him with treats. I miss rubbing his head and hearing him purr, especially after I know he had a tough day. I miss hugging him after we argued, putting his heart to mine so that he could feel my love for him and ease his pain. I did those things with only him in mind. I didn't want or expect anything in return, I only wanted him to be happy.

I realized that our relationship wasn't entirely conditional. We had moments of true acceptance and unselfishness. And that truth is the most confusing and heart breaking of all.

Also, I realized how much I did know him. He confuses the hell out of me sometimes because, well, he is human too. His actions do not make sense to my head, but I try to remember that he is in pain, and pain is irrational. But I knew him. I knew his favorite foods and phrases. I knew which clothes he was most confident in. I knew that a hug and a kiss went miles further for him than words. I knew that he just wanted to be heard as well. I knew the spots I could kiss to get him in the mood. I did know him once. I knew as much as he would show me.

He still hid a lot from me, especially his childhood. I want to know all of him. I still crave to know all of him. I still want that bond with him. I want a perfect relationship with him because part of me knows we can have it. I know I am capable of having an unconditional relationship with him. I will have moments where I mess up, I know that. But I am ready to commit to him to be unconditional and loving.

But I can't make him unconditional. I can't make him treat me with respect. I can't make him fall back in love with me. I can't make him have patience or be loving towards me.
And I can't wait for him anymore.

I'm going to be alone, working my ass off to support my kids. I'm going to support myself alone again. I'm going to go to the doctors appointments alone. Going to go dancing alone. Going to go shopping alone.

My heart is still broken over letting go of my fairy tale.

My Life So Far

I received very short notice that my condo I rent was being sold. I originally planned on just moving back into my parents house for a bit, but after certain events that left emotional and physical scars, I realized how unhealthy that would be for me right now. I've been hiding at my parents lately to avoid being alone with the deep sorrow in my heart.

I asked a friend what she did when she was in similar situations. A day later she offered me an unfinished studio apartment in her building with a part time job, basically working for my rent. It was only concrete floors and drywall walls, on the corner of a car museum warehouse.

I took it that night, and the next night I dropped $250 on paint and flooring to finish the apartment. The following next 2 nights were spent priming, painting, and laying flooring until the sun came up, almost. She, her boyfriend, and her daughter all pitched in amazing support to get my new home livable. I started packing everything up and currently have the large things moved into the new place. Several loads still left to do and pack, but I took a much needed rest today.

My body has put up with a lot from me over the last 4 days. Painting, especially the ceiling, and flooring truly worked every muscle in my body. Then packing, bending and lifting my belongings into boxes. I also have only had about 5 hours of sleep each night, while still taking care of my tired and lonely 3 year old.

I still have a lot to pack and move before I can thoroughly wipe out the apartment well enough to get my deposit back. I am stressed about how much is still left to do, especially since I work solo at the new job on Monday without much training. I have Sunday and part of Tuesday to finish my moving trip.

I am also stressed because I do not have constant income any more. When I use my bank account dry, I no longer have the reassurance that in a few days it will be replenished. I definately get that this a huge part of the lessons the universe has given me to learn from this experience.

Between the stress and lack of sleep and physical labor for 3 days straight, plus the pregnancy from sleep hell that makes me exhausted all the time anyway, I am so emotional I can hardly stand it. I was never alone, so my emotions never caught up with me until I sat down.
I realized why I am filled with regret and dread over this new lifestyle I have adopted. It is so far out of my comfort zone it has a new zipcode. Also, the apartment is considerably smaller than the unit I'm leaving. It has its own unique benefits that make it all worth it and I am excited about it, but its very different than how I was raised.

The smaller apartment also means there is just room for me and my now smaller family. I no longer have room in my bed or life for my prince charming. The short bedroom ceilings and shower means he really won't be coming back to me. Maybe it sounds silly, but at my old unit, I could cling to the life we were building together. Moving here is like I'm really moving on with my life without him. The reality of being a single mom again, and now with a new baby on the way, really sunk in today. Hence the sobbing.

I really miss him today tho. I found a few of his things while packing yesterday and I just hugged them. A hat I made him for riding his motorcycle, his favorite flip flops, the cd to the mp3 player we bought together on an amazing day, and a shirt of his I used to wear with only panties on. I found out that he has been wearing the other hat I made for him often, and I'm happy and yet heart broken about it at the same time. And they are quickly back to their owner via the friend.

That's the other thing about this new place. I'm next door to a great friend, which is awesome. But I met that great friend thru him, and I get he will always come in her life first. The choice between us is always him. And now that he chose out of a family, he relies on his friends for entertainment, which means that he is spending a lot more time with her than he ever did when we were together. Cue the jealousy. On both ends. But I hear about him. And he spends time at her place. There is no avoiding him while I am linked with her. I'm dreading the time that I run over to her house for support in a crying spell and I run into him, making it all so much worse.
Or even worse. The first time Bug sees him or even just his truck. I can't stop the tears just thinking about it.

I miss him. But I miss the real him. I have a reoccuring dream where him and I are standing face to face. The same secret pain in his eyes that he refuses to talk to me about. He tells me his misses me and I tell him I missed him too. He stops me and says, "No, I miss YOU." as he places his palm to my sacred heart space. I just look at him confused. Every time I wake up from that dream, I feel lost. I totally get how I haven't showed up as who I truly am when I am in contact with him. I am incapable of giving him the unconditional love he craves because I do not possess it first. I am confused by the dream because I consciously crave for him to show up as who he truly is, so why do I dream that it is him asking for that from me? Maybe it has to do with how perfect of mirrors we are to each other.

Or maybe I get what I have always wanted in that dream. I get him actually asking for and WANTING the real me. I get that acceptance from him for who I am, and not just the behaviors or images he likes. In my dream, he actually SEES me and isn't trying to change me.
I know there are specific lessons I am meant to learn from this part of my life. I'm not quite sure what they are, but I can feel that they are the biggest lessons of my life so far.

Beauty

"We see things not as they are but as we are."

-John Milton

It feels good to look into the mirror again and see me.
It feels even better to look at those I have been so upset with, and realize that all I was seeing in them is the exact things I didnt want to see in myself! When I truly see myself as I was meant to be, it becomes easier to see the beauty of those around me.

Also, clarity on the word "beautiful." I do not mean the superficial features of appearances that make a person attractive to me. When I say you are beautiful, I mean that your soul is absolutely amazing to behold, unconditionally.

White in Shining Armor

One cold, lonely night I sat on the floor of a Barnes and Noble with my typical hot chocolate. I went in to get a book about poetry styles and writing poetry. I was still in my post-birthday disappointment with many sad and angry words flowing out of me. I hoped that if I had a reference I would get over my opposition to writing it all down.

I ended up in the self-help relationship section with several books pulled off the shelves and spread around me. I get now the real reason I was in that shop that night. I ignored the looks of the other customers and refused the assistance of the staff. Yes, I was looking for something specific but I dont know what it is yet. I would read the back, introduction and a random passage of every book I pulled off the shelf, and inevitably put it back or in a "maybe if I dont find anything better" pile. As I pulled out a huge book, I finally saw a small one hidden beside it. It was beautiful. It was Mecca.

Real Love by Greg Baer

Within the first 4 pages, I knew this was a powerful yet pure novel on my life. I knew that I get to share this book with someone with whom I could discuss intimate details about my life. I went back to buy a second copy for Mr Hot and Cold (who at the time was talking about wanting to hang out together). I had purchased the book in 10 minutes flat, as the book was now on display.

Waiting for him to decide if he even wanted to read the book with me was excruciating. I wanted to read more, but didnt want to get too far ahead of him. He became Mr Permafrost so I eventually told him that if was not going to read the book with me, please just give the book back so I can find someone else to read with. He hadnt even started it. Oh, but the day I ask for it back, he asks if he can start reading it until he has gas money to bring the book back. Smooth.

I went ahead and started reading the book without anyone yet, but the margins are full of comments, thoughts and reactions. Ask me to write a response paper on this book? I could do a 5 page paper per chapter so far! Im only 4 chapters in, but it has already offered invaluable insight into my life that I did not receive from self-reflection or Impact. I always knew there was a reason I did the things I did when I felt alone and insignificant, and now I get it. I also get that even tho I stopped the most dangerous behaviors after I left my marriage (loose sex, super venomous comments, yelling and screaming, manipulation, and over all mind-fucking everyone around me), I had not cured my core. I was using other forms of attacking and running to fill that lack of true love in my life, and when things got really bad, I subconsciously slipped back into the person I thought I left behind. I totally get why I did that now, and that is exciting for me!

I now also have insanely cool insight into why my relationship with Mr Hot and Cold has not been working, and why I fell in love with him in the first place. Its comforting to know that the steps the author outlines work; its how my relationship with him started. But we didnt continue to love each other unconditionally after we got a hint of fear and pain, reminding us of our pasts, and the relationship became a struggle. The only way to heal our relationship would be unconditional love, and therefore forgiveness. I also get that he fell out of love with me a long time ago, and while painful to realize, its strangely calming to have that piece fall into place. Perhaps, that is exactly the next step necessary so we can truly and deeply fall into love.

Ive been able to offer forgiveness to myself for the way I have shown up in all the relationships in my life. I had a basic understanding when I went thru the Trainings but in reading this book, I have been able to get specific about my life and each relationship. I also get why others have shown up the way they have. At first, I was still very hurt by the ways people used me and manipulated me. Slowly it began to sink in that it was unintentional, just as my manipulation was not intended to hurt. Hell, I couldnt even see how I was using manipulation to feel the power and safety missing in my life.

Its not like I wasnt willing to look at myself. I would look hard and evaluate my life and actions, but I couldnt SEE or RECOGNIZE the way I was seeking love or protecting myself. And I get that I didnt see or recognize it until the perfect moment. When I would look deep inside myself, I knew I was unhappy but didnt know why, and I would just get confused. It was like looking at a 3D movie without the glasses. I KNEW there was more on the screen than what I was seeing, but did not figure it out until I got the glasses. It took committed action, seeking out more ideas until I found truth.

As it sinks in more and more that he didnt intentionally hurt me, that it just happened as he was desperately seeking love and protection, it becomes easier to forgive him as well. Ive been searching for months for a way to forgive him, and as my heart softens, my heart is filled with compassion for him. Looking back, its so clear now the ways he was asking for love. When I couldnt give it to him, he began to protect himself and was unable to give me the love I was desperate for in return.

An analogy Baer uses hit me hard right in the center of my chest. I really was the yellow paint, and Mr Hot and Cold was the blue. No matter how much I want a pink relationship, we just kept making green. Sure, we could make several different shades depending on how much each of us put into it, but it was never pink. I get to change. I get to be red and search for my white. Not just any white, but a white that wants to make a pink relationship as well. Even if I change and be red paint, if I mix with his blue paint, we will make a purple relationship. Its closer, sure, but not the heaven and love we both want and deserve. Im still open to him being my white in shining armor. But its time I really truly let go of his blue.

Now if only there was a way to keep me from dreaming of him. Damn vivid pregnancy dreams.

Lets See If Its True..

Ive been having a really rough time lately. Im pregnant, and that complicates everything else. Mr Hot and Cold really stepped over a line and I have not had much contact with him since. I lost my job the same day, and I do not understand AT ALL the reasons behind the termination. I feel singled out, betrayed, and unheard. My dad still refuses to just accept my decisions and is still trying to control my life thru expressing his constant disappointment.

I have wanted friends and support in a way I never have before. After all, Im not meant to go thru this alone, right? I want my friends to come together and offer me a place to crash when Im afraid to be home alone. I want them to just listen to all my woes and cry with me. So where are they?

Most are just caught up in their own lives. I get people are busy. I get they have kids of their own. I get that their other friends want them around too. Really, I know all of this. But if I had a friend come to me and say, Look, I really deserve a friend right now. Im getting really depressed and scared and lonely and just want a couple hours of your time, I dont think I could morally turn them away.

I miss my friends. I miss the family I used to think I was a part of. I miss bullshitting about nothing until the middle of the night out in the summer air. I miss making a gourmet meal and having people over, talking long after the food is gone. And I dont get to have that anymore. He claims that peice of my life because they are truly HIS friends and family.

But I asked for assistance with specific things that I truly deserve a lot of assistance with. Im so tired and weak that larger tasks like laundry get left in baskets. I am so nauseous that I cannot do dishes without throwing up 3 or 4 times, leaving me even more weak and tired. The house is disgusting and I hate being home because of it. And I was promised assistance from a few, and none have followed thru.

So I have lowered my expectations and simply asked for ANY type of socializing I could get. The answer was yes, but they also acknowledged putting me on the back burner. So I cried. Everytime I thought about the message I cried. I am so sad and hurt by the message.

I immediately kick into ego-mind and get upset and angry that I was put on the back burner. Dammit why does no one treat me as a priority?!? Am I really that worthless to the people I love? And yes, frankly I am. I am not a priority to them, and that isnt really a reason to get angry. I totally get that because I am not important to them, it resonated in me and found a like energy, because I feel that I am not important. I am not worthy of the love and attention I deserve.

But I know that is negative self-talk that I am allowing myself to believe. And as long as I continue to believe that, I will be miserable and upset at everyone else that does not treat me as important enough for their time. That is not living as who I was meant to be.

My ego-mind also started telling me that I was ridiculous for being hurt by her message. After all, I already knew that I had been "set aside," why should it upset me to see it confirmed? But it did, and I get to just let those emotions serve their purpose right now. My heart understands that there IS a difference in just thinking I had been set aside and actually being told it. Basically, even tho I thought it, I was begging the universe to give me false hope and proof that it wasnt true. Please, tell me I was wrong and I really am the most important thing in the world to her and this was all just a big misunderstanding!

But it was true. And I get to just let go and accept that I will not always be the most important thing to everyone. I want so badly to be the most important thing to just one man. But then, I guess we should all be the most important thing to ourselves. The problem in that concept has been proven by Mr Hot and Cold several times, and that is selfishness. Everyone focused on themselves and getting what THEY want, and never considering or assisting a friend or neighbor. Constantly looking at "Whats in it for me?"

This has been a question heavy on my mind lately. Where is the line between ignoring yourself and your own best interest and being completely selfish? How can a person be outwardly focused on other people's best interests and still keep their stick?

The best I have come up with so far is that once a person is truly secure in themselves, they stop worrying about other people taking advantage of them. Keeping their stick is easy, because they do not do things that will cause them spiritual harm, and especially because they are so stable that few things really could cause them spiritual harm.

Go ahead! Try to take advantage of me but I will keep doing these things for you because I love you and I want the best for you. When I am unable to keep doing them, I will stop and not feel guilty. I do these things for you because I am thinking solely about you, and I do not expect gratitude, appreciation, or that you "owe me one." I am completely unconditional. And therefore, it is impossible for you to take advantage of me.

I get that I have not been unconditional with my friends. I have been very hurt by their absense in my life when I desire them in it the most. And the pain has been a teacher for me. I dont get to shut down and hold a grudge against them for not being there. I will continue to be there for them because I want to and I do not expect gratitude or reciprocation. My theory is that if I am unconditional, I will not feel taken advantage of or deserted. Lets see if its true...

Silence Says It All

I wrote this poem back in March of 2009 and it just keeps haunting me. I re-live writing it and crying. I remember the emotions that circulated me and the man I wrote it for. He is a man of silence, and I wish I could hear this in his whisper again. This time is not like the time that this was written, no matter how hard I wish it to be so. I am publishing this poem so I may release it. May it no longer sneak up and remind me of the Love we once shared.


Silence Says It All

That one long pause;
The subtle sigh.
I can hear the
Tear in your eye.

Love crying on;
Our life on hold.
I ache for you;
My soul so tolled.

Express your heart!
My ears do yearn!
Words in your throat
Begin to burn.

My spirit leapt;

Hope did partake.

Yet silent wait
Did dreamers make.

The choice was yours
To leave or bide.
Disappointment
I could not hide.

Yet.

I knew intent;
No words needed.
Heard it all tho
Minds were heeded.

I love you too.

I Made Today

I had a really amazing experience today. It was spent as most days during this vacation were: sitting at my parents house, exhausted thru to my core as I build a life in my womb, just enjoying the company around me. My sister closest in age to me is off at college for another year and the whole family decided to go down and see her dorm room and visit her. A car ride where Bug could sleep and I didn’t have to drive or do anything? Im so in. We arrived at her new flat and met a few sleepy roommates, and I suggested a late late lunch.

I haven’t been out to dinner with my family in a very long time. 3 years ago, I went out with them every single weekend. I really haven’t ENJOYED my family much the last few years because I felt judged and unaccepted. Ive been finally taking the steps to heal and reunite our relationships. I finally realized it was ME that was holding out and judging them. Now, I at least can say I have a relationship with my parents and sisters, which is progress. I had a huge emotional breakdown about my life in front of them last week, and that seemed to give them the permission they wanted to become involved in my life.

Dinner with them was very comfortable. The topic of conversation lately has been all the things I would try to convince my sister to do. I cut her hair when I was 5, shortly after receiving a toy barber shop set at Christmas. I made her believe she was invisible, and she still got caught taking sweets from the kitchen and bringing them back to our bedroom. I used to make her all sorts of culinary masterpieces, the main ingredient being dirt. Tonight, she remembered the sand slushy I made for her and was trying to convince her to drink it. I was a very imaginative kid, and I swear, I only had the best of intentions. I suppose this is what reminded my mom of how special I show up sometimes.

Bug’s birthday is coming up soon and he is very definite about the theme already. I was discussing with my mom the places that we could go and do a large, combined party with all of his family and friends. The whole family started remembering different birthday parties-most of them involving me. I remembered being at the old Jungle Jims for my cousin’s birthday and catching my toe on a slide, spraining it so bad I cried for hours and could not walk. I still remember the perpetrator: the yellow tube slide with the blue mat underneath it.

My sister remembered my birthday party at DZ because back in the day, it was the bomb-hizzie. My mom remembered how huge and fun it was for the entire extended family. I remembered telling my grandpa that he was too WIDE to go in the tubes and slide on the slides. Did I mention I absolutely was authentic and honest at my core? I didn’t understand that I had hurt his feelings, and he felt challenged to prove that he could make it everywhere I could. He got stuck. Literally, almost cartoon-like, stuck in the tube. Looking back now, I bet that was tragic and humiliating for him. Still, I laugh.

My 5th birthday at DZ was legendary. I even got a separate room to eat cake in, and we learned a silly dance called The Banana Dance. I got a crown and danced on my chair with our amazing and beautiful hostess. I was QUEEN! Better! I was the BIRTHDAY GIRL!!!

This was at a time in our lives where money was not a luxury. My dad went thru several jobs and unemployment checks in this time after being laid off. This birthday means even more to me because I realize that now. Back then, I had no clue. I was carefree! I didn’t have a worry in the world. I ran and jumped and played and danced on chairs with my whole heart. And boy, did I love to dance. I danced with my dad every Saturday morning in the front room of our tiny trailer, the stereo blasting some god-awful 80’s tunes. I danced to the music in the Polly Pocket or Barbie commercials.

On the drive back to my parents house, I was tickling Bug so he would move along with the music on the radio while I was quietly singing along. My mom commented on how I knew all the “Movin’ music” and that she thinks of me every time she listens to that specific radio station. She brought up a time about a year ago when I came up to visit my family. They were camping in some middle of nowhere mountain spot without any neighbors. The radio was cranked up really loudly and the family was sitting in the trailer keeping warm. An old song came on, possibly even a Michael Jackson hit, and I went for it.

I was dancing and singing without any inhibitions. I cant even remember what exactly I was doing, but I got my self-conscious family to join in with me. The freedom I felt at that moment was exactly how I felt doing that Banana Dance with my crown. I truly am still that 5 year old girl at my core. I was absolutely BEING who I am meant to be, and I inspired my family to release their fears as well. Trust me when I say that this was not a common occurrence, not since I was very young.

Perhaps that is why it had such a profound impact on my mom. Her face lit up like the sun had just come out of the clouds. She smiled so warmly as she remembered ME. Remembered what I had done and what I had brought to her. I knew this without her speaking it. I knew she was grateful for me showing up as the genuine, authentic, special Spirit I am. She remembers me dancing every time she listens to the radio station. She remembers how she felt when I danced.

Today was the first time I truly felt like someone was grateful for and appreciated the person I am deep down. I don’t live on contract near as much as those around me deserve, but when I did, I touched her heart. I am so honored and amazed that I caused those feelings in someone else. ME. I did. It blows me away that I was the one and only one who caused that specific experience for her. I really am that special to her. She APPRECIATES the real me! I feel truly accepted and loved, and I know that this experience could not have happened if I had not been recently working on being grateful for the person I am, loving and accepting who I am.

I have craved for someone to verbalize a recognition of the beauty within me. Today, as my mom did, I realized how little I verbalize that recognition for the beauty within those around me. I appreciate and value the true, loving spirit in all those around me, and I hardly ever tell them. So you, as you read this, please feel my love and appreciation for you. Feel me stroke the soft lines in your face and see your beauty radiating. Feel my arms around you as we embrace. Feel the tears fall off my cheeks as I am overcome by my love for you. Feel my heart reach out and touch yours. Feel how full it is with acceptance and trust and gratitude. I am grateful for the person you are. I am so grateful for the journey you are on. I am forever grateful that your journey has crossed roads with mine and that I got to experience you in your magnificence. Thank you allowing me into your heart and into your life. Thank you for the divine gifts you have given so graciously to me. You truly are special. I love YOU.

I am still amazed at what I call into my space as send that vibration out into the Universe. As I write this, Bug grabbed me in a tight embrace and told me, “I am glad you are here.” I made today a very special day. Perfect end to my vacation.

Hello, Freedom, I Missed You

"I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do."

-Edward Everett Hale


I am absolutely a powerful woman and creator. I know this. But I have been taking it too far lately.. I have this idea that because I am powerful, I create EVERYTHING around me. I am RESPONSIBLE for other people's choices. He wont talk to me about anything personal, deep, or meaningful. He wouldnt while we were supposedly "happy." What a sham. So what do I do? What I have always done.

I get hurt, and immediately blame myself. It must be my FAULT that he wont talk to me. And he feeds that negative self-talk. I go over every comment and action that I could have possibly done that created him feeling like he could not talk to me. I completely over-look the fact that it is HIS feelings. HE is the one choosing to be shut down, and no matter what I do, his choice is his choice. I can (and have) begged, pleaded, cried, shut down, opened back up, and done everything I could think of to INSPIRE him to LET ME IN! BRING BACK THAT CLOSENESS WE HAD! Yet, it will always be his choice.

I cannot save him. I cannot make him do anything-a reality that many people have reminded me of lately. I cannot make him open up to me, I cannot make him live on contract, I cannot make him BE who he really is. Frankly, when I want to make him do anything, I am not accepting him and his crap. Way to be conditional there, babe. I love the real him. I am not loving his baggage and process.

Only when I can accept that he will be a cranky, closed off statue off and on thruout the rest of his life, is when we would ever work. And that would only happen when I am secure enough and do not rely upon him opening up to me anymore. I am a powerful creator. I am definately ONE. But Im not meant to do everything. I can live my life on contract, living for ME first and foremost, and that is all I can do. The things I cannot make him do, they do not define me, for the first time. Oh hello, Freedom. I missed you.

Pissed With A Capital P

I was angry last night. Hours after posting last, I got some news that Pissed me off, yes, with a capital P and all. I got another confirmation, another peice of evidence, pointing to the doubt that lingered constantly around me like bad perfume. That I am not worthy of being cared about. That is what it all comes down to, I feel like I am not worthy of love.

So when he gave me that extra peice, that tip of the pile of reasons, I got mad. More angry than I had been in my entire life. EVER. If you would have seen me in my marriage, you would know why that anger is so extreme and overwhelming. I was so angry, I literally wanted to build nuclear weapons and bomb any country that he liked. I was so upset, I wanted to ram any car off the road that had certain letters spelling his name in it. Like I said, I have never been so furious. **Clarification-I WANTED to do those things but never would. Im much too sane to actually do anything like that. Just like Im too sane to paint my entire naked body to fade into a wall, I want to, but never ever would.

You want to know what he said that was so appauling to me? That after waiting a whole day AND another night while he talked to everyone but me, I would have to wait a whole other day and possibly night before he would talk to me about our relationship.

He has his reasons, excuses, and justifications. Frankly, he did what works for him. And SURPRISE, it didnt work for me. Yet, I know its the reason that it didnt work for me that matters.

He got things his way again, and I never get things mine. There is no compromise in the relationship. When I never get it my way, my ego-mind jumps in and says "HA! TOLD YOU TOLD YOU TOLD YOU! You arent worthy of love, you arent even worth enough to have things the way you want even ONCE!" I felt despair, pity, and desperation. And I dont like feeling that way.

So I turned to a very common avoidance technique I use-ANGER. If Im angry at him, then I dont have to feel all the bad built up feelings. And if Im angry at him, then he is bad, sick, and WRONG and I am the poor, poor victim again. I knew that I was coping and avoiding when I was angry. I knew it right away. But I knew that I wouldnt be able to shift out of that anger if I saw him and he kept denying me the conversation about our relationship that I deserve. I was afraid I would yell nasty things at him or that me being closed off would cause another fight. Neither of those options were a healthy choice, so I chose to not see him instead. Which pissed him off again. SIGH. He is always mad at me for something or the other.

But I felt healthy for the first time in a long time taking the space I deserved. I am so proud of myself for recognizing the potential emotional danger I would be putting myself in by allowing myself to be in contact with him.

I absolutely continued that feeling of being healthy the next night. SURPRISE, he was angry again, and I felt myself being transported back into that basement room I spent so many teenage years in crying. I was the little girl, being demanded to give exact details and report to my father who was a few inches from my face, yelling spitting and threatening me. It was a game my dad played often, and when he started playing it, I recognized it. I will say that again, in caps, because it was that huge for me: I RECOGNIZED IT. I recognized the space I was in. I recognized that I was the one who created that comparision. I do not blame him at all for it.

BUT I RECOGNIZED IT! and I knew that if I were to play the game with him, just as I had done with my dad, I would treat him as if he were my dad, which is not fair to either of us. So I chose to not be in that game. I asked for time and patience so that I could clear myself and get back to a positive space to be able to speak with him. I was BEING HEALTHY! (I am still doing a joyous dance to celebrate my success) I took that space that I deserved, and instead of him respecting my wishes, I got harassment instead. I was threatened because I took time to myself to be healthy.

That night was a terror. I have never felt so scared and belittled in my entire life. Yes, scared. Terrified. Horrified. I pulled the couch in front of the door when we finally went home and to sleep. I closed the blinds, stuck hangers in the window so they could not be opened, and slept on the floor in the least accessable room in the place, phone ready to dial 911. I was terrified. The venom and hatred in the voice on the other end of the phone seared to my deepest core. And when I heard "Shut the Fuck Up!" it quite literally knocked the air out of my entire body. So I again chose to be healthy and not hear those things said to me.

I get that I am sensitive. Frankly, I have come to just accept that about myself. I am so tired of keeping up the facade that nothing can hurt me. Those things do hurt, and they do scare me, and Im finished pretending they dont. I am working on LOVING my sensitivity as a genuine, beautiful thing about me. As I do, I FEEL HEALTHY! And I love feeling that way.

The Disappearing Man

I am so sick and tired of the single parent, not-single parent game. He is here and then he isnt. He is living here, but Mommy, where is he? I dont know Bug, and you have no idea how abandoned I feel when I say that. All I can do is hug my baby and tell him that I am still here for him, hiding my tear brimmed eyes so he doesnt see. Oh, but if I bring any of this up to that disappearing man, Im using it as a weapon to extort him.

I cry in my pity party that I have no clue whatsoever what it feels like to be a parent in a two parent household. And frankly, I am the only guest at this pity party because everyone else just says, deal with it. You chose this. Yet, every time I feel like I can let my guard down and allow him to be involved and parent my child, I have to face alone those big blue eyes pleading for me to tell them why he isnt special enough for the disappearing man to stick around. I can tell him over and over that he is an awesome kid and deserves him to be here, but its pointless when we are left to dinner for 2, again. Bright side, I guess, is that we can share a can of Spaghetti O's.

I feel like Im doing everything I possibly can to make this relationship work. I am plowing forward (I can see that bright, loving, beautiful family out there in the horizon) but I am pulling a cowboy who has one leg on each side of the fence and has lassoed himself securely to it. He constantly is posed to run away at a moments notice, and so not fully committed to be here. Yet, he wont just walk away, and I know that he wants to be here. Hell, Im having his baby, its the closest thing to a family of his own he has ever had.

I have been compromising left and right to accomodate him. Its finally gotten to the point where all I want is for him to be OPEN to doing things my way JUST ONCE! We dont even have to do it, just be open to it! The best example I can give of how closed off he is to possibilities is just the other night. I asked what he wanted. He said such-and-such works for him. I said, ok but what do you want. He told me that what he wants is the only thing that works for him. I told him that I see it differently. Take dinner for example. Dinner at 5 may work for me (Im getting fed and that is what matters) but dinner at 6 is what I want. He told me that for him, if 6 is what he wants, then its the only option that works for him. So in other words, he just told me:
MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY SISTER

He is so closed off to the possibilities that work for me. This next doctor's appointment, for example, I scheduled at a date and time that works for me, and what he had previously told me worked for him. But because we have our counseling appointment the same day, he asked me to call them back and change it. Because the hours I spent on the phone getting this appointment scheduled and this time at work covered wasnt enough. Now he wants me to call the 10 different numbers again to reschedule and miss even more time at work? Because it works for his work. Not even that, his work would be fine with it! Because its what he wants. So, another compromise from me, all I asked was that he was open and looked for a way to make the time I had it scheduled for work. Not that he had to make it work, just looked for a way to make it work. And if it still didnt work for his schedule, I would call back the next day and reschedule.

He flat out told me he wasnt even willing to be open or look for a way to make it work. Suddenly I felt like he was absolutely telling me he wasnt willing to make the relationship work. Red light started flashing huge warnings behind my tear brimmed eyes. I flashed back to the night before when he told me he was only in this relationship because he couldnt say during the last break up that he did everything he could to make it work. So basically, this is a half-assed attempt at love so that his conscious is at ease. He literally said "the only reason." Mind you, this was after he swore at me and yelled at me (refusing to stop when I asked him to), and hit the bed as he yelled some last retort and walked out-again. Everything is the same as it always was, he hasnt changed the things that he said he would, nor is he willing to even attempt it. Flat out refused to stop yelling.

Yet I am supposed to feel like he truly and deeply cares for me. When I tell him I dont feel that he does, he spouts off all the things he has picked up at the store for me and my pregnancy cravings. He bought me things, sometimes with my own money. Please dont think me selfish or ungrateful, because everytime he showed up with them he was my own knight in shining armor coming to my rescue. I truly appreciate the things he has done for me. But those things are so minute compared to the love and compassion I am not receiving. Yelling and swearing are NOT love. Telling me to "get over it" is NOT compassion. I have lists miles long of the reasons why I feel the way I feel, but frankly, I dont need them to validate they way I feel. Its the way I feel, whether he agrees with it or not.

I deserve to feel loved now more than ever. I am growing life, literally a parasite inside of me, draining my energy and replacing it with nausea. I deserve to know that every night, I will be eating dinner with the man I love. I deserve to be given attention and a listening ear. I deserve to be the one he goes to when he wants to talk about OUR relationship. I deserve to not be alone in this pregnancy this time. I deserve a real family with a partner who isnt playing with smoke and mirrors.

I have never heard this song but the lyrics hit me very powerfully tonight as I sit balled up with my ice cream. Beautiful poem.

I dont NEED him. I know I dont. I am surviving, I always have, I always will.

But I deserve him to be here when the sunsets and rises. Im finally ready to stand up for that.

Breaking the Sound Barrier

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."

-Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.


I have been remembering the power of speaking things into existance. I silence myself about so many things that truly do matter to me. Even when I KNOW that others deserve for me to own my voice, I dont. A substantial portion of the time, its because I am afraid how it will come off. I have fear that it will not be speaking with love and others will ignore what I say because I am angry.

Its been so powerful in my life to take the time to re-center and focus before I speak. I do get to share the things that come up for me. I do get to stop the gossip and negativity around me. When I do, I feel so empowered and absolute joy! In the end, even if it wasnt well received, I know I spoke with love and accountability. I verbalized my peace. I am committed to not be silenced by fear!

My Souls Counterpart

I really am excited about what I am going to create new in my life. The things that I do right now that I will look back on and go, WOW! I KNEW I WAS A POWERFUL CREATOR! Adjusting is always touch and go. I am so happy that Im not wearing a sweater inside my house, which I had grown accustomed to while in the relationship as he found his desire of cold more important than my desire of warmth. While Im jumping and skipping at this realization, I stop cold and feel that growl in my stomach and realize that I get to make dinner for 1. I dont remember what thats like! How do I do this all on my own again?

I apparently didnt learn what I called forth when I was a single parent before. I called it forth again so I could learn a very important lesson and the Universe and God loves me so much, they honored me with a soft, "Yes, my child. As you wish." So I am a single parent again. But this time, I have my son as well as two dogs and well HELLO! Missed period, nice to meet you again! So many reminders of the life he and I built together... So many reminders of the blinding bliss we felt only a month ago... When I say I dont get why we arent together now it is both truth and a lie. But I am done trying to figure it out and studying my every move and figure out what I did that was so impossible to live with.

I applaud myself for being willing to fix this relationship. I get to thank myself for standing up for what I deserve in my relationships. I definitely get there were times I was not operating from my heart or acting like the divinity I am. Yet I would recognize it and shift. I did not always shift the exact moment he wanted me to, but I shifted at the perfect moment for me. I had a huge awakening last night:

Being in my crap serves a purpose. I am dealing with my garbage in the perfect way to receive the lesson I called forth. I get to stay in my crap until I learn what I am meant to learn. When people attempt to pull me out of it, NO WONDER I RESIST! I havent learned that lesson yet. I deserve to learn it on my own, because I am a capable woman and I have my own answers. When I want assistance, I get to ask for it! This is truth for everyone else as well.

I realized this while talking to my new ex. I had a cool A-HA! while at the training center last night and immediately he came up for me, that I get to share this new challenge I am giving myself and that maybe that challenge would serve for him as well. I called him and told him that I am challenging myself to say things out loud. There is power in breathing life into my affirmations and my positive self-talk. I get to say out loud and for others to hear me say that I AM A DIVINE LOVING CREATIVE PASSIONATE WOMAN OF LIGHT! (As scary as that may be for me.. GULP!) He thanked me for sharing and said that he got this could be useful for him to do as well. He mentioned that he has a hard time verbalizing the words in his contract. I asked him why, and he avoided. He simply was not coming from his heart and I got that he was very closed off to me still. My heart broke for two reasons: first, that he still wont share with me and give me that closeness that I crave. Second, I could still feel the pain he was trying to not express. I get he doesnt KNOW that he is a a Beautiful, Healing, Inspiring, Loving Man of Light. When he looks into the mirror, he doesnt see what I see in him.

I immediately wanted to reach out and tell him to snap out of it. I wanted to put his head between my hands and beg him to open up to me and allow all that power to pour out of his heart. But then it hit me, just like that. This time down in the dumps is serving its perfect purpose for him. He gets to dig himself out and start on that path to reach that crazy, exhilarating peak! ITS NOT MY JOB TO SAVE HIM. Its not my place to tell him he gets to shift. I get to honor him and his process and let him BE. I get how when I focus on getting him out of his funk, how I have been hampering his breakthrus. And I do get that he has an amazing breakthru coming!

I also finally get the way I allowed his funk to affect me. I danced in the car in a way I havent danced anywhere for at least a month. I do feel a sense of freedom from the pain he carried with him. I took it on as if it were my pain. I believed the negative self-talk he had about himself was true for me as well. We fed each others garbage and held our relationship in the past.

Still, I am so sad that he is still in that space. When I stopped myself from jumping in to fix him, I wasnt sure what to say. I get to honor him being closed off. I get to honor the space he is taking away from me. After an awkward silence, I said goodbye and so did he. I heard his click, put the phone down and cried. Cried for his beauty. Cried for his light. Cried for all the amazing, connected discussions we had. Cried for his pain. At that moment, I absolutely got that he is a reflection of me. I relate so well to what he is feeling because that is who I was.

My soul aches to be with its counterpart. I miss him more than I could ever express. I remember the amazing times we had. I remember making love to him with my entire being. I remember when we laid together in that hotel bed and decided to conceive a baby and grow our family. I remember picking out which wedding rings we want when that day finally came. I remember the huge smile he got that absolutely showed his inner child. I cling to those good times. I choose to see only the positive in our life, as well as in my new life that starts today.

I hold on to the lessons that I learn everyday. I hold on to the blessings of today. I choose to FOCUS on getting to pee with the door open. I am focusing on watching as many chick flicks as I want instead of the empty side of the bed. I am focusing on all the new opportunities to connect with my old and new friends. I am focusing on my journey being perfect and his being perfect for him. I am focusing on learning the lessons of being a single parent, this time with 2 dogs and a 4 year old and possibly a new life that I get to nurture and love. I remind myself over and over:

Its all perfect.

Running

I have conflicts going on inside of me. When is it running away? When is it taking a stand for yourself and removing yourself from a negative situation? Please, someone comment with what you feel. My work has been miserable for about 6 months now. I have looked on and off for other jobs that entire time, always intending on leaving my current job when a better position opened up.



I didn't always feel this way. I was given a promotion that left me in the dark, not knowing when or how I was supposed to act. I am in limbo between management and servitude when it is convienent.

I've had enough!

To My Girl

You know who you are. You know why I am directing this entry at you! You are facing certain hardships in your life that I absolutely have experienced as well. And, like me, I know that you are an amazing, powerful woman totally capable of taking this on!

You are terrified to truly and deeply examine your life. Self-discovery was the most frightening thing in my life! I get the fears! I hid from everyone and everything in my life. I was rarely truly myself with those around me, no matter how much I loved them. Even when I thought I was being myself, I wasnt. I was so guarded! Insecure! Alone!

I learned that I was mostly hiding from myself. I did not want to look at myself so I would point the finger, quite literally, at every person around me. If I could convince myself everyone else was to blame, I didnt have to look at my shortcomings. I avoided taking a long, intense look at myself because I was afraid I wouldnt like what I had found.

I know all the times I hurt others. I know all the lies Ive told. I know all the judgments I immediately made on people, even those I love. Even if no one else in the world knew, I know. I thought if I examined my life, I would see that I was to blame. All I would see is the person I had grown to HATE. I hated my constant failures. I hated my lack of talent. I hated ME. Why would I ever want to have a meaningful relationship with that person??

The most amazing realization filled my heart and soul with song on the Friday of my life. I am NOT my judgments. I am NOT my experiences! I am NOT my pain. I am NOT my mistakes! I am NOT my family, or my image, or my future. I am NOT the walls I caked around me; I AM the DIVINE, PASSIONATE WOMAN INSIDE! I am completely separate from all the things I hated about myself. THEY ARE NOT ME! When I did truly remember who I am, I found out I am a part of that divine God who created me. I am in God and God is in me. I am That, and That is me! I am pure light and I CHOOSE who and what I am. I choose to be loving. I choose to be compassionate and free. Today, I choose to be me!

It seems almost silly now, that I was afraid of examining myself. When I closed myself off from me, I also closed off to God. I didnt allow myself to experience the unconditional love I have for myself and that God has for me. All Ive ever wanted is love. Its been there the whole time! All I had to do was accept it!

I want you to experience the wonderfulness inside of you! All it takes is to be willing to look deep down inside you, filter past the bullshit you cake on top, and choose to be the loving, pure child inside! I love you with all my heart. You truly are my girl and I am so blessed to have your love and support and acceptance in my life. Now you deserve to feel that too.

Letting Go of Judgment

I woke up between the two most beautiful people I have ever known-my son, Bug, and the Love of My Life. I laid there smiling at both of them, studying the curves of their faces, wanting to capture the moment. I thought about how I would draw this moment, a new pasttime Ive been enjoying. I thought about how a photograph would capture the pure love in both of their faces. Then I realized, this love is here to stay! I can experience this as often as I choose.

I love my family. I love the love and attention we can give to each other. Yet I yearn for an addition. Ive been seriously baby hungry for about 3 years now. I want a little girl more than anything else tangible in this world. I want that angel to be born into a loving and secure family. Can I provide that at this moment? You bet your ass. Are we married? Nope. Are we a healthy, secure family? More than ever.

I have held on to the fixed belief that I must be married to have a healthy family. A huge part of that belief has been because having another baby out of wedlock will attract all the judgments from my friends and family AGAIN. I lost most of my friends as a teenage mother. I sought their approval and acceptance and yet again, was denied.

I have let go of that judgment. I was the person judging me the most. And now, I know that I am whole and perfect. My family is whole and perfect and a baby will only add to that whenever it happens. With or without the approval of my family! I accept me!

Undecided

I am not sure what I am going to do with the portfolio on here currently. I firmly believe that posting my work for all to view is absolutely beneficial and healthy! It is a stretch that has yielded amazing results. But now, I have a business where I can display my art and photography not only for viewing, but purchase! The peices that are currently displayed are no where near the quality and professionalism that I am capable of, and therefore an inaccurate representation.

Perhaps the photos will stay and this will become a writing portfolio. Perhaps the photos will be removed and new ones displayed. Or maybe, I will leave the portfolio out of it all and leave an open invitation for all to constantly check out my ever growing and expanding website!!!

This Is Another Miracle I Created

I am in the middle of a life altering training session that has consumed a huge portion of my time like the desert sucking every sweet nectar drop of the first rain. I also *officially* started my business, as some of you twitterheads might have seen. I am loving life in so many ways!! My family is whole again, and I can 100% positively say that is because I remembered I AM WHOLE!! I AM WHOLE AND I ALWAYS HAVE BEEN!!

I have been struggling with work, and a large portion of that is because I so desperately want to be a photographer full time and to be a stay-at-home mother. Another, older portion of not engaging at work has been my medical conditions. Yes, plural. Running even deeper, I struggle with the pure energy of my work. Its so entrenched with pain and sadness. Not one person will maintain eye contact with me. My ego-mind finds it so simple to jump back into my comfort zone of pity parties and excuses and pure laziness. My new sensitivity to energy and awareness of vibrations is a blessing, and Im realizing more and more each day how much gets to shift in my life.

I am excited to continue to create miracles in my life and in the life of my family! I am excited to cultivate healthy, deep relationships with those around me! My journey started a while before this blog record was kept, yet I had no idea how un-started it truly was! Now I know, my journey is kicking off hard, and as always, I AINT SEEN NOTHIN YET!!!

Freedom From Pain

"One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is love."

-Sophocles


Most of the time when I hear "love" I immediately think of romantic love. That love is sweet, but brotherly love for every living thing is much simpler. I remembered recently how uplifting it is to just love everyone around me. My sorrows are easily washed away when I can focus on LOVE!

Loving everyone also eases the struggle I have to be compassionate. If I love them first, its easier to be understanding of the pain they are feeling. Their trespasses against me do not seem so insurmountable. I can overcome my own fear of pain, and interrupt the self-fulfilling cycle, simply by making sure to love others.

Before I can truly and deeply love others, however, I must learn to love myself. This is my goal. This is my purpose. This is my intention. How true Sophocles' words are; self-love will release my burdens and pain. I shiver with excitement at the thought of freedom from pain. I know the way to get there; it begins with loving every fiber of myself.

Photo 011

I am
climbing,
ever reaching,
striving for that light.

Dream Interpretations

I had a truly terrifying nightmare. It was so intense that I woke up shaking and my tear-stained pillow was thrown across the floor. I curled up in the fetal position against the wall and hugged my blankets to my chest and eventually drifted off to sleep again. When I came into work, I relayed the dream to my friend and she helped me discover the meaning. I always had a fascination with dream-reading but now I am a believer.

I was with my parents and my sisters in our old house, but it wasnt our house. It was different. Bug was not there. In fact, I was very much still a child myself. There was a serial killer on the loose and for some reason, he picked our house to stalk. He lurked outside of the doors, circling the perimeter, looking for a way in. His evil grin said that he knew something secret. I went to the front door, peeked thru the window and was startled by his sinister eyes staring back at me. I fumbled with the door, to make certain it was locked, and accidentally unlocked the door for the beast. He pushed open the door and I ran up the stairs as fast as I could, him closely on my heels. I ran into my bedroom and closed the first door behind me and hit the lock. I scurried across the room to the other door and shut and locked it as well. I grabbed a blanket and hid in the corner of the closet, as far from the door as I could get. After a little bit, I creeped back out and opened the door. The killer was gone and I went to check on my family. They were seated around the kitchen table, passing food to each one, including my terror. He smiled at me and then continued the conversation with my parents. Stunned, I sat down to observe. After the killer was fed and listened to, he politely left. He had gotten what he needed.



She explained to me that my house was not really my house because I am unsure of where my home is and where I fit. My son was not there because he cannot handle the issues Im dealing with, I barely can. The serial killer represents my fears, the greatest of which is failure and disappointment. I allowed him into my life. He chases me, almost catches me, and I run away and hide. I do not deal with my fears; instead I hide. He is after me alone. I am so absolutely terrified that my failure will catch up to me. Finally, the killer is given what it was asking for, to be listened to. To be talked out. When my fears are satisfied, they politely leave.


Thank you, subconscious mind, for teaching me and reminding me of the work I get to do!!