I really am excited about what I am going to create new in my life. The things that I do right now that I will look back on and go, WOW! I KNEW I WAS A POWERFUL CREATOR! Adjusting is always touch and go. I am so happy that Im not wearing a sweater inside my house, which I had grown accustomed to while in the relationship as he found his desire of cold more important than my desire of warmth. While Im jumping and skipping at this realization, I stop cold and feel that growl in my stomach and realize that I get to make dinner for 1. I dont remember what thats like! How do I do this all on my own again?
I apparently didnt learn what I called forth when I was a single parent before. I called it forth again so I could learn a very important lesson and the Universe and God loves me so much, they honored me with a soft, "Yes, my child. As you wish." So I am a single parent again. But this time, I have my son as well as two dogs and well HELLO! Missed period, nice to meet you again! So many reminders of the life he and I built together... So many reminders of the blinding bliss we felt only a month ago... When I say I dont get why we arent together now it is both truth and a lie. But I am done trying to figure it out and studying my every move and figure out what I did that was so impossible to live with.
I applaud myself for being willing to fix this relationship. I get to thank myself for standing up for what I deserve in my relationships. I definitely get there were times I was not operating from my heart or acting like the divinity I am. Yet I would recognize it and shift. I did not always shift the exact moment he wanted me to, but I shifted at the perfect moment for me. I had a huge awakening last night:
Being in my crap serves a purpose. I am dealing with my garbage in the perfect way to receive the lesson I called forth. I get to stay in my crap until I learn what I am meant to learn. When people attempt to pull me out of it, NO WONDER I RESIST! I havent learned that lesson yet. I deserve to learn it on my own, because I am a capable woman and I have my own answers. When I want assistance, I get to ask for it! This is truth for everyone else as well.
I realized this while talking to my new ex. I had a cool A-HA! while at the training center last night and immediately he came up for me, that I get to share this new challenge I am giving myself and that maybe that challenge would serve for him as well. I called him and told him that I am challenging myself to say things out loud. There is power in breathing life into my affirmations and my positive self-talk. I get to say out loud and for others to hear me say that I AM A DIVINE LOVING CREATIVE PASSIONATE WOMAN OF LIGHT! (As scary as that may be for me.. GULP!) He thanked me for sharing and said that he got this could be useful for him to do as well. He mentioned that he has a hard time verbalizing the words in his contract. I asked him why, and he avoided. He simply was not coming from his heart and I got that he was very closed off to me still. My heart broke for two reasons: first, that he still wont share with me and give me that closeness that I crave. Second, I could still feel the pain he was trying to not express. I get he doesnt KNOW that he is a a Beautiful, Healing, Inspiring, Loving Man of Light. When he looks into the mirror, he doesnt see what I see in him.
I immediately wanted to reach out and tell him to snap out of it. I wanted to put his head between my hands and beg him to open up to me and allow all that power to pour out of his heart. But then it hit me, just like that. This time down in the dumps is serving its perfect purpose for him. He gets to dig himself out and start on that path to reach that crazy, exhilarating peak! ITS NOT MY JOB TO SAVE HIM. Its not my place to tell him he gets to shift. I get to honor him and his process and let him BE. I get how when I focus on getting him out of his funk, how I have been hampering his breakthrus. And I do get that he has an amazing breakthru coming!
I also finally get the way I allowed his funk to affect me. I danced in the car in a way I havent danced anywhere for at least a month. I do feel a sense of freedom from the pain he carried with him. I took it on as if it were my pain. I believed the negative self-talk he had about himself was true for me as well. We fed each others garbage and held our relationship in the past.
Still, I am so sad that he is still in that space. When I stopped myself from jumping in to fix him, I wasnt sure what to say. I get to honor him being closed off. I get to honor the space he is taking away from me. After an awkward silence, I said goodbye and so did he. I heard his click, put the phone down and cried. Cried for his beauty. Cried for his light. Cried for all the amazing, connected discussions we had. Cried for his pain. At that moment, I absolutely got that he is a reflection of me. I relate so well to what he is feeling because that is who I was.
My soul aches to be with its counterpart. I miss him more than I could ever express. I remember the amazing times we had. I remember making love to him with my entire being. I remember when we laid together in that hotel bed and decided to conceive a baby and grow our family. I remember picking out which wedding rings we want when that day finally came. I remember the huge smile he got that absolutely showed his inner child. I cling to those good times. I choose to see only the positive in our life, as well as in my new life that starts today.
I hold on to the lessons that I learn everyday. I hold on to the blessings of today. I choose to FOCUS on getting to pee with the door open. I am focusing on watching as many chick flicks as I want instead of the empty side of the bed. I am focusing on all the new opportunities to connect with my old and new friends. I am focusing on my journey being perfect and his being perfect for him. I am focusing on learning the lessons of being a single parent, this time with 2 dogs and a 4 year old and possibly a new life that I get to nurture and love. I remind myself over and over:
Its all perfect.
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