Hello, Freedom, I Missed You

"I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do."

-Edward Everett Hale


I am absolutely a powerful woman and creator. I know this. But I have been taking it too far lately.. I have this idea that because I am powerful, I create EVERYTHING around me. I am RESPONSIBLE for other people's choices. He wont talk to me about anything personal, deep, or meaningful. He wouldnt while we were supposedly "happy." What a sham. So what do I do? What I have always done.

I get hurt, and immediately blame myself. It must be my FAULT that he wont talk to me. And he feeds that negative self-talk. I go over every comment and action that I could have possibly done that created him feeling like he could not talk to me. I completely over-look the fact that it is HIS feelings. HE is the one choosing to be shut down, and no matter what I do, his choice is his choice. I can (and have) begged, pleaded, cried, shut down, opened back up, and done everything I could think of to INSPIRE him to LET ME IN! BRING BACK THAT CLOSENESS WE HAD! Yet, it will always be his choice.

I cannot save him. I cannot make him do anything-a reality that many people have reminded me of lately. I cannot make him open up to me, I cannot make him live on contract, I cannot make him BE who he really is. Frankly, when I want to make him do anything, I am not accepting him and his crap. Way to be conditional there, babe. I love the real him. I am not loving his baggage and process.

Only when I can accept that he will be a cranky, closed off statue off and on thruout the rest of his life, is when we would ever work. And that would only happen when I am secure enough and do not rely upon him opening up to me anymore. I am a powerful creator. I am definately ONE. But Im not meant to do everything. I can live my life on contract, living for ME first and foremost, and that is all I can do. The things I cannot make him do, they do not define me, for the first time. Oh hello, Freedom. I missed you.