I Made Today

I had a really amazing experience today. It was spent as most days during this vacation were: sitting at my parents house, exhausted thru to my core as I build a life in my womb, just enjoying the company around me. My sister closest in age to me is off at college for another year and the whole family decided to go down and see her dorm room and visit her. A car ride where Bug could sleep and I didn’t have to drive or do anything? Im so in. We arrived at her new flat and met a few sleepy roommates, and I suggested a late late lunch.

I haven’t been out to dinner with my family in a very long time. 3 years ago, I went out with them every single weekend. I really haven’t ENJOYED my family much the last few years because I felt judged and unaccepted. Ive been finally taking the steps to heal and reunite our relationships. I finally realized it was ME that was holding out and judging them. Now, I at least can say I have a relationship with my parents and sisters, which is progress. I had a huge emotional breakdown about my life in front of them last week, and that seemed to give them the permission they wanted to become involved in my life.

Dinner with them was very comfortable. The topic of conversation lately has been all the things I would try to convince my sister to do. I cut her hair when I was 5, shortly after receiving a toy barber shop set at Christmas. I made her believe she was invisible, and she still got caught taking sweets from the kitchen and bringing them back to our bedroom. I used to make her all sorts of culinary masterpieces, the main ingredient being dirt. Tonight, she remembered the sand slushy I made for her and was trying to convince her to drink it. I was a very imaginative kid, and I swear, I only had the best of intentions. I suppose this is what reminded my mom of how special I show up sometimes.

Bug’s birthday is coming up soon and he is very definite about the theme already. I was discussing with my mom the places that we could go and do a large, combined party with all of his family and friends. The whole family started remembering different birthday parties-most of them involving me. I remembered being at the old Jungle Jims for my cousin’s birthday and catching my toe on a slide, spraining it so bad I cried for hours and could not walk. I still remember the perpetrator: the yellow tube slide with the blue mat underneath it.

My sister remembered my birthday party at DZ because back in the day, it was the bomb-hizzie. My mom remembered how huge and fun it was for the entire extended family. I remembered telling my grandpa that he was too WIDE to go in the tubes and slide on the slides. Did I mention I absolutely was authentic and honest at my core? I didn’t understand that I had hurt his feelings, and he felt challenged to prove that he could make it everywhere I could. He got stuck. Literally, almost cartoon-like, stuck in the tube. Looking back now, I bet that was tragic and humiliating for him. Still, I laugh.

My 5th birthday at DZ was legendary. I even got a separate room to eat cake in, and we learned a silly dance called The Banana Dance. I got a crown and danced on my chair with our amazing and beautiful hostess. I was QUEEN! Better! I was the BIRTHDAY GIRL!!!

This was at a time in our lives where money was not a luxury. My dad went thru several jobs and unemployment checks in this time after being laid off. This birthday means even more to me because I realize that now. Back then, I had no clue. I was carefree! I didn’t have a worry in the world. I ran and jumped and played and danced on chairs with my whole heart. And boy, did I love to dance. I danced with my dad every Saturday morning in the front room of our tiny trailer, the stereo blasting some god-awful 80’s tunes. I danced to the music in the Polly Pocket or Barbie commercials.

On the drive back to my parents house, I was tickling Bug so he would move along with the music on the radio while I was quietly singing along. My mom commented on how I knew all the “Movin’ music” and that she thinks of me every time she listens to that specific radio station. She brought up a time about a year ago when I came up to visit my family. They were camping in some middle of nowhere mountain spot without any neighbors. The radio was cranked up really loudly and the family was sitting in the trailer keeping warm. An old song came on, possibly even a Michael Jackson hit, and I went for it.

I was dancing and singing without any inhibitions. I cant even remember what exactly I was doing, but I got my self-conscious family to join in with me. The freedom I felt at that moment was exactly how I felt doing that Banana Dance with my crown. I truly am still that 5 year old girl at my core. I was absolutely BEING who I am meant to be, and I inspired my family to release their fears as well. Trust me when I say that this was not a common occurrence, not since I was very young.

Perhaps that is why it had such a profound impact on my mom. Her face lit up like the sun had just come out of the clouds. She smiled so warmly as she remembered ME. Remembered what I had done and what I had brought to her. I knew this without her speaking it. I knew she was grateful for me showing up as the genuine, authentic, special Spirit I am. She remembers me dancing every time she listens to the radio station. She remembers how she felt when I danced.

Today was the first time I truly felt like someone was grateful for and appreciated the person I am deep down. I don’t live on contract near as much as those around me deserve, but when I did, I touched her heart. I am so honored and amazed that I caused those feelings in someone else. ME. I did. It blows me away that I was the one and only one who caused that specific experience for her. I really am that special to her. She APPRECIATES the real me! I feel truly accepted and loved, and I know that this experience could not have happened if I had not been recently working on being grateful for the person I am, loving and accepting who I am.

I have craved for someone to verbalize a recognition of the beauty within me. Today, as my mom did, I realized how little I verbalize that recognition for the beauty within those around me. I appreciate and value the true, loving spirit in all those around me, and I hardly ever tell them. So you, as you read this, please feel my love and appreciation for you. Feel me stroke the soft lines in your face and see your beauty radiating. Feel my arms around you as we embrace. Feel the tears fall off my cheeks as I am overcome by my love for you. Feel my heart reach out and touch yours. Feel how full it is with acceptance and trust and gratitude. I am grateful for the person you are. I am so grateful for the journey you are on. I am forever grateful that your journey has crossed roads with mine and that I got to experience you in your magnificence. Thank you allowing me into your heart and into your life. Thank you for the divine gifts you have given so graciously to me. You truly are special. I love YOU.

I am still amazed at what I call into my space as send that vibration out into the Universe. As I write this, Bug grabbed me in a tight embrace and told me, “I am glad you are here.” I made today a very special day. Perfect end to my vacation.