The Disappearing Man

I am so sick and tired of the single parent, not-single parent game. He is here and then he isnt. He is living here, but Mommy, where is he? I dont know Bug, and you have no idea how abandoned I feel when I say that. All I can do is hug my baby and tell him that I am still here for him, hiding my tear brimmed eyes so he doesnt see. Oh, but if I bring any of this up to that disappearing man, Im using it as a weapon to extort him.

I cry in my pity party that I have no clue whatsoever what it feels like to be a parent in a two parent household. And frankly, I am the only guest at this pity party because everyone else just says, deal with it. You chose this. Yet, every time I feel like I can let my guard down and allow him to be involved and parent my child, I have to face alone those big blue eyes pleading for me to tell them why he isnt special enough for the disappearing man to stick around. I can tell him over and over that he is an awesome kid and deserves him to be here, but its pointless when we are left to dinner for 2, again. Bright side, I guess, is that we can share a can of Spaghetti O's.

I feel like Im doing everything I possibly can to make this relationship work. I am plowing forward (I can see that bright, loving, beautiful family out there in the horizon) but I am pulling a cowboy who has one leg on each side of the fence and has lassoed himself securely to it. He constantly is posed to run away at a moments notice, and so not fully committed to be here. Yet, he wont just walk away, and I know that he wants to be here. Hell, Im having his baby, its the closest thing to a family of his own he has ever had.

I have been compromising left and right to accomodate him. Its finally gotten to the point where all I want is for him to be OPEN to doing things my way JUST ONCE! We dont even have to do it, just be open to it! The best example I can give of how closed off he is to possibilities is just the other night. I asked what he wanted. He said such-and-such works for him. I said, ok but what do you want. He told me that what he wants is the only thing that works for him. I told him that I see it differently. Take dinner for example. Dinner at 5 may work for me (Im getting fed and that is what matters) but dinner at 6 is what I want. He told me that for him, if 6 is what he wants, then its the only option that works for him. So in other words, he just told me:
MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY SISTER

He is so closed off to the possibilities that work for me. This next doctor's appointment, for example, I scheduled at a date and time that works for me, and what he had previously told me worked for him. But because we have our counseling appointment the same day, he asked me to call them back and change it. Because the hours I spent on the phone getting this appointment scheduled and this time at work covered wasnt enough. Now he wants me to call the 10 different numbers again to reschedule and miss even more time at work? Because it works for his work. Not even that, his work would be fine with it! Because its what he wants. So, another compromise from me, all I asked was that he was open and looked for a way to make the time I had it scheduled for work. Not that he had to make it work, just looked for a way to make it work. And if it still didnt work for his schedule, I would call back the next day and reschedule.

He flat out told me he wasnt even willing to be open or look for a way to make it work. Suddenly I felt like he was absolutely telling me he wasnt willing to make the relationship work. Red light started flashing huge warnings behind my tear brimmed eyes. I flashed back to the night before when he told me he was only in this relationship because he couldnt say during the last break up that he did everything he could to make it work. So basically, this is a half-assed attempt at love so that his conscious is at ease. He literally said "the only reason." Mind you, this was after he swore at me and yelled at me (refusing to stop when I asked him to), and hit the bed as he yelled some last retort and walked out-again. Everything is the same as it always was, he hasnt changed the things that he said he would, nor is he willing to even attempt it. Flat out refused to stop yelling.

Yet I am supposed to feel like he truly and deeply cares for me. When I tell him I dont feel that he does, he spouts off all the things he has picked up at the store for me and my pregnancy cravings. He bought me things, sometimes with my own money. Please dont think me selfish or ungrateful, because everytime he showed up with them he was my own knight in shining armor coming to my rescue. I truly appreciate the things he has done for me. But those things are so minute compared to the love and compassion I am not receiving. Yelling and swearing are NOT love. Telling me to "get over it" is NOT compassion. I have lists miles long of the reasons why I feel the way I feel, but frankly, I dont need them to validate they way I feel. Its the way I feel, whether he agrees with it or not.

I deserve to feel loved now more than ever. I am growing life, literally a parasite inside of me, draining my energy and replacing it with nausea. I deserve to know that every night, I will be eating dinner with the man I love. I deserve to be given attention and a listening ear. I deserve to be the one he goes to when he wants to talk about OUR relationship. I deserve to not be alone in this pregnancy this time. I deserve a real family with a partner who isnt playing with smoke and mirrors.

I have never heard this song but the lyrics hit me very powerfully tonight as I sit balled up with my ice cream. Beautiful poem.

I dont NEED him. I know I dont. I am surviving, I always have, I always will.

But I deserve him to be here when the sunsets and rises. Im finally ready to stand up for that.