Lets See If Its True..

Ive been having a really rough time lately. Im pregnant, and that complicates everything else. Mr Hot and Cold really stepped over a line and I have not had much contact with him since. I lost my job the same day, and I do not understand AT ALL the reasons behind the termination. I feel singled out, betrayed, and unheard. My dad still refuses to just accept my decisions and is still trying to control my life thru expressing his constant disappointment.

I have wanted friends and support in a way I never have before. After all, Im not meant to go thru this alone, right? I want my friends to come together and offer me a place to crash when Im afraid to be home alone. I want them to just listen to all my woes and cry with me. So where are they?

Most are just caught up in their own lives. I get people are busy. I get they have kids of their own. I get that their other friends want them around too. Really, I know all of this. But if I had a friend come to me and say, Look, I really deserve a friend right now. Im getting really depressed and scared and lonely and just want a couple hours of your time, I dont think I could morally turn them away.

I miss my friends. I miss the family I used to think I was a part of. I miss bullshitting about nothing until the middle of the night out in the summer air. I miss making a gourmet meal and having people over, talking long after the food is gone. And I dont get to have that anymore. He claims that peice of my life because they are truly HIS friends and family.

But I asked for assistance with specific things that I truly deserve a lot of assistance with. Im so tired and weak that larger tasks like laundry get left in baskets. I am so nauseous that I cannot do dishes without throwing up 3 or 4 times, leaving me even more weak and tired. The house is disgusting and I hate being home because of it. And I was promised assistance from a few, and none have followed thru.

So I have lowered my expectations and simply asked for ANY type of socializing I could get. The answer was yes, but they also acknowledged putting me on the back burner. So I cried. Everytime I thought about the message I cried. I am so sad and hurt by the message.

I immediately kick into ego-mind and get upset and angry that I was put on the back burner. Dammit why does no one treat me as a priority?!? Am I really that worthless to the people I love? And yes, frankly I am. I am not a priority to them, and that isnt really a reason to get angry. I totally get that because I am not important to them, it resonated in me and found a like energy, because I feel that I am not important. I am not worthy of the love and attention I deserve.

But I know that is negative self-talk that I am allowing myself to believe. And as long as I continue to believe that, I will be miserable and upset at everyone else that does not treat me as important enough for their time. That is not living as who I was meant to be.

My ego-mind also started telling me that I was ridiculous for being hurt by her message. After all, I already knew that I had been "set aside," why should it upset me to see it confirmed? But it did, and I get to just let those emotions serve their purpose right now. My heart understands that there IS a difference in just thinking I had been set aside and actually being told it. Basically, even tho I thought it, I was begging the universe to give me false hope and proof that it wasnt true. Please, tell me I was wrong and I really am the most important thing in the world to her and this was all just a big misunderstanding!

But it was true. And I get to just let go and accept that I will not always be the most important thing to everyone. I want so badly to be the most important thing to just one man. But then, I guess we should all be the most important thing to ourselves. The problem in that concept has been proven by Mr Hot and Cold several times, and that is selfishness. Everyone focused on themselves and getting what THEY want, and never considering or assisting a friend or neighbor. Constantly looking at "Whats in it for me?"

This has been a question heavy on my mind lately. Where is the line between ignoring yourself and your own best interest and being completely selfish? How can a person be outwardly focused on other people's best interests and still keep their stick?

The best I have come up with so far is that once a person is truly secure in themselves, they stop worrying about other people taking advantage of them. Keeping their stick is easy, because they do not do things that will cause them spiritual harm, and especially because they are so stable that few things really could cause them spiritual harm.

Go ahead! Try to take advantage of me but I will keep doing these things for you because I love you and I want the best for you. When I am unable to keep doing them, I will stop and not feel guilty. I do these things for you because I am thinking solely about you, and I do not expect gratitude, appreciation, or that you "owe me one." I am completely unconditional. And therefore, it is impossible for you to take advantage of me.

I get that I have not been unconditional with my friends. I have been very hurt by their absense in my life when I desire them in it the most. And the pain has been a teacher for me. I dont get to shut down and hold a grudge against them for not being there. I will continue to be there for them because I want to and I do not expect gratitude or reciprocation. My theory is that if I am unconditional, I will not feel taken advantage of or deserted. Lets see if its true...