White in Shining Armor

One cold, lonely night I sat on the floor of a Barnes and Noble with my typical hot chocolate. I went in to get a book about poetry styles and writing poetry. I was still in my post-birthday disappointment with many sad and angry words flowing out of me. I hoped that if I had a reference I would get over my opposition to writing it all down.

I ended up in the self-help relationship section with several books pulled off the shelves and spread around me. I get now the real reason I was in that shop that night. I ignored the looks of the other customers and refused the assistance of the staff. Yes, I was looking for something specific but I dont know what it is yet. I would read the back, introduction and a random passage of every book I pulled off the shelf, and inevitably put it back or in a "maybe if I dont find anything better" pile. As I pulled out a huge book, I finally saw a small one hidden beside it. It was beautiful. It was Mecca.

Real Love by Greg Baer

Within the first 4 pages, I knew this was a powerful yet pure novel on my life. I knew that I get to share this book with someone with whom I could discuss intimate details about my life. I went back to buy a second copy for Mr Hot and Cold (who at the time was talking about wanting to hang out together). I had purchased the book in 10 minutes flat, as the book was now on display.

Waiting for him to decide if he even wanted to read the book with me was excruciating. I wanted to read more, but didnt want to get too far ahead of him. He became Mr Permafrost so I eventually told him that if was not going to read the book with me, please just give the book back so I can find someone else to read with. He hadnt even started it. Oh, but the day I ask for it back, he asks if he can start reading it until he has gas money to bring the book back. Smooth.

I went ahead and started reading the book without anyone yet, but the margins are full of comments, thoughts and reactions. Ask me to write a response paper on this book? I could do a 5 page paper per chapter so far! Im only 4 chapters in, but it has already offered invaluable insight into my life that I did not receive from self-reflection or Impact. I always knew there was a reason I did the things I did when I felt alone and insignificant, and now I get it. I also get that even tho I stopped the most dangerous behaviors after I left my marriage (loose sex, super venomous comments, yelling and screaming, manipulation, and over all mind-fucking everyone around me), I had not cured my core. I was using other forms of attacking and running to fill that lack of true love in my life, and when things got really bad, I subconsciously slipped back into the person I thought I left behind. I totally get why I did that now, and that is exciting for me!

I now also have insanely cool insight into why my relationship with Mr Hot and Cold has not been working, and why I fell in love with him in the first place. Its comforting to know that the steps the author outlines work; its how my relationship with him started. But we didnt continue to love each other unconditionally after we got a hint of fear and pain, reminding us of our pasts, and the relationship became a struggle. The only way to heal our relationship would be unconditional love, and therefore forgiveness. I also get that he fell out of love with me a long time ago, and while painful to realize, its strangely calming to have that piece fall into place. Perhaps, that is exactly the next step necessary so we can truly and deeply fall into love.

Ive been able to offer forgiveness to myself for the way I have shown up in all the relationships in my life. I had a basic understanding when I went thru the Trainings but in reading this book, I have been able to get specific about my life and each relationship. I also get why others have shown up the way they have. At first, I was still very hurt by the ways people used me and manipulated me. Slowly it began to sink in that it was unintentional, just as my manipulation was not intended to hurt. Hell, I couldnt even see how I was using manipulation to feel the power and safety missing in my life.

Its not like I wasnt willing to look at myself. I would look hard and evaluate my life and actions, but I couldnt SEE or RECOGNIZE the way I was seeking love or protecting myself. And I get that I didnt see or recognize it until the perfect moment. When I would look deep inside myself, I knew I was unhappy but didnt know why, and I would just get confused. It was like looking at a 3D movie without the glasses. I KNEW there was more on the screen than what I was seeing, but did not figure it out until I got the glasses. It took committed action, seeking out more ideas until I found truth.

As it sinks in more and more that he didnt intentionally hurt me, that it just happened as he was desperately seeking love and protection, it becomes easier to forgive him as well. Ive been searching for months for a way to forgive him, and as my heart softens, my heart is filled with compassion for him. Looking back, its so clear now the ways he was asking for love. When I couldnt give it to him, he began to protect himself and was unable to give me the love I was desperate for in return.

An analogy Baer uses hit me hard right in the center of my chest. I really was the yellow paint, and Mr Hot and Cold was the blue. No matter how much I want a pink relationship, we just kept making green. Sure, we could make several different shades depending on how much each of us put into it, but it was never pink. I get to change. I get to be red and search for my white. Not just any white, but a white that wants to make a pink relationship as well. Even if I change and be red paint, if I mix with his blue paint, we will make a purple relationship. Its closer, sure, but not the heaven and love we both want and deserve. Im still open to him being my white in shining armor. But its time I really truly let go of his blue.

Now if only there was a way to keep me from dreaming of him. Damn vivid pregnancy dreams.