My Life So Far

I received very short notice that my condo I rent was being sold. I originally planned on just moving back into my parents house for a bit, but after certain events that left emotional and physical scars, I realized how unhealthy that would be for me right now. I've been hiding at my parents lately to avoid being alone with the deep sorrow in my heart.

I asked a friend what she did when she was in similar situations. A day later she offered me an unfinished studio apartment in her building with a part time job, basically working for my rent. It was only concrete floors and drywall walls, on the corner of a car museum warehouse.

I took it that night, and the next night I dropped $250 on paint and flooring to finish the apartment. The following next 2 nights were spent priming, painting, and laying flooring until the sun came up, almost. She, her boyfriend, and her daughter all pitched in amazing support to get my new home livable. I started packing everything up and currently have the large things moved into the new place. Several loads still left to do and pack, but I took a much needed rest today.

My body has put up with a lot from me over the last 4 days. Painting, especially the ceiling, and flooring truly worked every muscle in my body. Then packing, bending and lifting my belongings into boxes. I also have only had about 5 hours of sleep each night, while still taking care of my tired and lonely 3 year old.

I still have a lot to pack and move before I can thoroughly wipe out the apartment well enough to get my deposit back. I am stressed about how much is still left to do, especially since I work solo at the new job on Monday without much training. I have Sunday and part of Tuesday to finish my moving trip.

I am also stressed because I do not have constant income any more. When I use my bank account dry, I no longer have the reassurance that in a few days it will be replenished. I definately get that this a huge part of the lessons the universe has given me to learn from this experience.

Between the stress and lack of sleep and physical labor for 3 days straight, plus the pregnancy from sleep hell that makes me exhausted all the time anyway, I am so emotional I can hardly stand it. I was never alone, so my emotions never caught up with me until I sat down.
I realized why I am filled with regret and dread over this new lifestyle I have adopted. It is so far out of my comfort zone it has a new zipcode. Also, the apartment is considerably smaller than the unit I'm leaving. It has its own unique benefits that make it all worth it and I am excited about it, but its very different than how I was raised.

The smaller apartment also means there is just room for me and my now smaller family. I no longer have room in my bed or life for my prince charming. The short bedroom ceilings and shower means he really won't be coming back to me. Maybe it sounds silly, but at my old unit, I could cling to the life we were building together. Moving here is like I'm really moving on with my life without him. The reality of being a single mom again, and now with a new baby on the way, really sunk in today. Hence the sobbing.

I really miss him today tho. I found a few of his things while packing yesterday and I just hugged them. A hat I made him for riding his motorcycle, his favorite flip flops, the cd to the mp3 player we bought together on an amazing day, and a shirt of his I used to wear with only panties on. I found out that he has been wearing the other hat I made for him often, and I'm happy and yet heart broken about it at the same time. And they are quickly back to their owner via the friend.

That's the other thing about this new place. I'm next door to a great friend, which is awesome. But I met that great friend thru him, and I get he will always come in her life first. The choice between us is always him. And now that he chose out of a family, he relies on his friends for entertainment, which means that he is spending a lot more time with her than he ever did when we were together. Cue the jealousy. On both ends. But I hear about him. And he spends time at her place. There is no avoiding him while I am linked with her. I'm dreading the time that I run over to her house for support in a crying spell and I run into him, making it all so much worse.
Or even worse. The first time Bug sees him or even just his truck. I can't stop the tears just thinking about it.

I miss him. But I miss the real him. I have a reoccuring dream where him and I are standing face to face. The same secret pain in his eyes that he refuses to talk to me about. He tells me his misses me and I tell him I missed him too. He stops me and says, "No, I miss YOU." as he places his palm to my sacred heart space. I just look at him confused. Every time I wake up from that dream, I feel lost. I totally get how I haven't showed up as who I truly am when I am in contact with him. I am incapable of giving him the unconditional love he craves because I do not possess it first. I am confused by the dream because I consciously crave for him to show up as who he truly is, so why do I dream that it is him asking for that from me? Maybe it has to do with how perfect of mirrors we are to each other.

Or maybe I get what I have always wanted in that dream. I get him actually asking for and WANTING the real me. I get that acceptance from him for who I am, and not just the behaviors or images he likes. In my dream, he actually SEES me and isn't trying to change me.
I know there are specific lessons I am meant to learn from this part of my life. I'm not quite sure what they are, but I can feel that they are the biggest lessons of my life so far.