Letting Go of My Fairy Tale

I do miss him terribly. I shared this with a close friend and she promptly told me to just forget about him bc he has been an asshole to me and isn't worth my heart break. Strangely, that didn't make anything better. But I did start wondering what exactly I miss about him.

I miss having him there every day and deciding what is for dinner together. I miss going grocery shopping with him. I miss the joking and laughing we would do in the car while singing songs loud and off key. I miss being happy with him. I miss having company in the car and him driving. Yet I know, a lot of that happiness was all conditional. We loved each other when we acted in a way that was pleasing to the other.

But I also miss doing things for him just to see him smile. I miss packing him a lunch and surprising him with treats. I miss rubbing his head and hearing him purr, especially after I know he had a tough day. I miss hugging him after we argued, putting his heart to mine so that he could feel my love for him and ease his pain. I did those things with only him in mind. I didn't want or expect anything in return, I only wanted him to be happy.

I realized that our relationship wasn't entirely conditional. We had moments of true acceptance and unselfishness. And that truth is the most confusing and heart breaking of all.

Also, I realized how much I did know him. He confuses the hell out of me sometimes because, well, he is human too. His actions do not make sense to my head, but I try to remember that he is in pain, and pain is irrational. But I knew him. I knew his favorite foods and phrases. I knew which clothes he was most confident in. I knew that a hug and a kiss went miles further for him than words. I knew that he just wanted to be heard as well. I knew the spots I could kiss to get him in the mood. I did know him once. I knew as much as he would show me.

He still hid a lot from me, especially his childhood. I want to know all of him. I still crave to know all of him. I still want that bond with him. I want a perfect relationship with him because part of me knows we can have it. I know I am capable of having an unconditional relationship with him. I will have moments where I mess up, I know that. But I am ready to commit to him to be unconditional and loving.

But I can't make him unconditional. I can't make him treat me with respect. I can't make him fall back in love with me. I can't make him have patience or be loving towards me.
And I can't wait for him anymore.

I'm going to be alone, working my ass off to support my kids. I'm going to support myself alone again. I'm going to go to the doctors appointments alone. Going to go dancing alone. Going to go shopping alone.

My heart is still broken over letting go of my fairy tale.