When Will I Learn?

I moved on the week that marked the anniversary of him and I meeting and instantly falling in love. The last 2 posts were both during that week. A day later, I broke down and gave into those feelings I had for him. I wrote him a letter, remembering what he told me the night he first said he loved me, the night I first gave into loving him. He told me that my past and my mistakes were not why he was in love with me. How perfectly fitting for him to say, considering the many mistakes we both had made in our relationship together. I dropped the letter and a bottle of sparkling cider off at his doorstep after a night of moving.

I did not write the letter for any specific reaction or for him to suddenly say, "You're right, let's be together." I wanted him to know how I was feeling, and that I remembered the significance of that night. Altho, it did not even enter my mind that he would be so upset at me for leaving that letter. I went right back to a scared and small place, hiding from his venom.

I was devastated after that final blow. What had I done to be so unlovable to the man I loved so fully? I was so hurt and began questioning why to even continue living. The same senarios that played before my eyes last April sprung straight to the surface again. Instantly, I felt insanely guilty because I not only wanted to end my life, but the life of my unborn child and my living, breathing, wonderful bundle of happiness in the backseat. I stopped the car, right there on the side of the freeway and sobbed until I had no more fluids or emotion in me. I knew my kids deserved me to seek assistance so I texted the only person I could trust to assist me, The Guru. Unfortunately, The Guru is also his brother.

It was several days before I actually got to speak to him, and by that point, I had put several layers of armor back on. Hiding in my little cave, I answered the phone and was immediately put on the defensive. It was difficult for me to even ask for help, and when I did, I was told my life was a complete mess because of me. That everything in my life was my fault, and that nothing in my life would get better until I changed.

It was a slap in the face. When I started to defend myself, I was told that I was untrustworthy and manipulative and that I was still spinning and stuck in my Victim Story. Poor, poor pitiful you, snap out of it. I felt like he just kept telling me how everything that happened with his brother was my fault, and that he was some kind of saint now while I was still the megabitch. I kept asking him to stop talking about Mr Leave Me Alone, but he refused. Finally, some of the things that he shared with me sunk in a little bit.

It is still hard for me to write this even now, because I still feel hurt and defensive about the way he approached it and the things he said. I get that he had a lot of anger towards me, and I still feel like he blames me for his brother's hard times. I dont like being told I need to change, because I feel like Im being told Im not good enough the way I am. I want to tell my story of how picked on I was, how I just cant find anyone to love me, and how I am a product of my environment. I want to be the victim, because if I get pity from other people, I dont have to love myself.

I was given a homework assignment to take a deep long look into my life and journal. Journal about what I really want, to feel the way I feel when I blame everyone but myself or to actualize my dreams come true. I literally wrote, on the sheet where I wrote my homework, Fuck You Guru. I tried to journal and every time I did, it was very shallow. I was not admitting any accountability in my life and I wasnt getting any where. I could see that I was being shallow, and yet as I kept journaling, nothing changed! I got very frustrated and gave up for the time being. And I said a permanent farewell to Mr Leave Me Alone.

I shared with a friend that I was done with him and needed distractions to not think of him ever again. She obliged with a nice, well-meaning single dad she thought I would hit it off with. I threw my hands up in the air and said, What the Hell. I met him and started dating him the next week. What a perfect distraction from having to think about working on myself. When will I learn? When will I grow up and take control of my own life?