Lost Today

Life has been really different now that Ive been (somewhat) accountable in my own life. But Ive had a really bad day today..


I still feel really guilty for what I did to Mr Rebound. He was certainly not blameless in how things happened, but he opened his heart and home to me and I essentially ripped out his heart and told him that he just wasnt good enough. What he doesnt get is that I am the one who just wasnt good enough. I wasnt emotionally available to him because Im still so caught up, head over heels for the man whose baby I carry inside me. I didnt realize what I was doing to Mr Rebound, which is perhaps what scares me the most. If I didnt mean to do it to him, its very plausible that I will be hurt in the same way by someone else not meaning harm either. And I am scared shitless.

My guilt and fear leave me scarred and its easy for the man who knows me best to pick up on my energy. The Love of My Life tells me that I can be honest with him about what is going on for me, so I tell him the truth about myself. I admit all my faults and fears and leave myself vulnerable.

Nevermind that shattering sound. It was just my heart as you tell me that you want to take steps backwards with our relationship, that is virtually nonexistant anyway. You want to be with me even less because of what I told you. Unconditional Love MY ASS!

Oh, but if I tell him that Im hurt, the same shit happens. He ends the conversation and blames me for all of it. Yep, you are right, I do have choices (thanks, by the way, for throwing that back in my face). I can choose between telling him the open and honest truth (and subsequently he leaves me again) or I can close off. But he doesnt see how he has only left me the two choices. And its even more proof that I cannot be open and honest about how Im feeling without some backlash from him.

Because feeling rejected from one huge source in my life isnt enough, home life is a catastrophe. Im guilt tripped because I dont spend enough time here, yet when I am home, its absolutely miserable. Im told that I am a burden to those living here, an inconvience. Yet, at the same time, Im told in no uncertain terms that Im horrible for not being home and spending time with those who enjoy me. Every single moment is awful and I want to get away from it.

Why do I let it all get to me? Because I rely on those around me to determine how much Im worth.

On top of everything, Im dealing with a new, changing pregnant body. Hormones are definately still flying and Im overcome with the urge to cry at everything. I feel fat and ugly at the looseness surrounding my entire body, attributed to pregnancy hormones detoning every muscle. I do not feel beautiful or motherly or angelic like I remember feeling with my first pregnancy. My stomach is huge, big even for the 5 months along that I am. And being unemployed for several months, I do not have money to purchase clothes that fit or flatter my new shape. I dont even have money to satisfy my cravings for snacks. Hormones have also blessed me with acne and stringy, flat hair. Every time I look in the mirror, its a struggle to not be repulsed. But again, no one seems to understand or have sympathy. And I just want to be beautiful again.

Im lost again today.