In the days between My Breakdown on the Interstate (copyrighting this for a book one day, I swear) and when I finally spoke with the Guru, I lost my apartment and job, again. The owner of the business and complex attempted to push his way into my unit while I was undressed, and I very rudely told him NO! What he did was a felony, but that does not justify or excuse the way I spoke to him. He fired me the next day, citing monetary reasons but telling other employees that I was just "too snotty" to work with. My work performance was spotless and above and beyond for only having worked there for a week. Without the job, I could not keep the apartment.
The amazing friend I lived near took my troubles very personally and developed an unhealthy state of responsibility for me. I felt bad, so I basically removed myself completely from her life. I stopped being at home, because that was also where she was. I stopped hanging out and giving details of my life to her. I spent a lot of time at my parents house, and at the same time, I started dating Mr Rebound and spent a ridiculous amount of time at his house. Avoiding, and I knew it.
I kept my relationship with him very secretive because I was afraid of the judgment I would get from my friends and family if they knew I was dating while I was pregnant. Hell, I knew I shouldnt be dating at the time. Finally, it all came out. I let him into my life and introduced him to my family. I was losing my housing so I moved into my parents house but spent all my time at his house.
I learned so much from Mr Rebound. First of all, that I was rebounding. I didnt want a relationship, I just didnt want to be alone. I wanted to avoid and escape. And because I didnt really want to be in a relationship, I caused fights to create reason to leave and break up. Singing my Victim Story all the way. Second, I learned what it is like to date someone else with kids. I have a whole new compassion for Mr Leave Me Alone and what he went thru with Bug. I get how it is possible to love someone else's kid so fully but not be able to be in a relationship with the parent. I finally get the difficulties of meeting and being around that child's mother, the ex wife of Mr Rebound. And I finally get the fear he must have experienced entering into my family when it had already been established as me and Bug. Lastly, I learned what it is like to be in a place I could never consider home. I was always so hurt by Mr Leave Me Alone's rejection of my home, because it was never his house or home. Even if he lived there, it was all my things and the hesitation that came from moving or touching anything. I have a whole new respect and empathy for the turmoil he experienced.
After ending the relationship with Mr Rebound, I felt supremely guilty because I knew exactly the rejection and loss he must be feeling. And I am accountable for creating that pain for him. Yet, I know ending it was the right thing for both of us and that he will find who he is really looking for eventually. The person who I was being was not who I really am. There are only two men who know Who I Really Am and Was Created To Be, and one is still sitting on his cloud throne smiling and laughing at the progress Im making.
The biggest lesson I learned from the relationship with Mr Rebound was to trust myself. I knew that it didnt feel right being with him. I knew there was something that was missing from our relationship, that spark, that recognition of each other's souls. I convinced myself that it was unnecessary, and ignored the feeling inside me that told me he wasnt the one I was meant to be with. The moment I ended the relationship, I knew that OF COURSE I didnt feel those things with him, because I was still feeling that recognition for Mr Leave Me Alone, and I could only feel it for one person.
Mr Leave Me Alone is not who he truly is. It was a facade he had on to learn his own very important lessons. He is, and will always be The Love of My Life, and the father of my child. No matter how much I shut off my heart to avoid feeling that love for him, no matter how many ways I ignore him and cut him out of my life or mind, no matter how many times he breaks my heart into a million peices, he will always be the one. Deep down, I love Who He Really Is and Was Created To Be.
Even tho I truly love this man, I cannot resume the life I had with him. I have some very negative habits that I get to resolve first. Together as a couple, we had too many negative habits and routines that cannot be shifted from inside that space. I get to continue working on myself, take up the journaling that I avoided and take a deep look at myself, no matter how scary that might be.
I am truly amazed at that bit of clarity that came thru when I finally took a step in the right direction. When I finally followed those feeling in myself to leave that rebound relationship, I could finally see what I was really doing, what I had learned, and that I deserved to stop avoiding myself. I get to make major shifts in my life, not to change me, but to change my habits that lead to My Breakdown on the Interstate. As I opened that space in my life, I gained clarity and peace in my dealings with the Love of My Life and saw him for who he truly is. As I follow this path, I am gaining new insight every day on how I am avoiding and how I am living my victim story and how I am hurting those around me. I am blessed to have him and God walking beside me hand-in-hand-in-hand along this new path I get to pave in my life.
No comments:
Post a Comment