Fair Share of Momhood

During our early morning play session, I stood Beauty up while I was laying on the bed. Pretty normal, she loves looking down and I love staying in bed at 6 am. She got a funny look on her face, so I grabbed a rag and caught the suspected spit up.

Ninja-like reflexes of the Mommy kind.

It would have landed right on my face, possibly in my gaping open mouth as I made ridiculous faces and sounds to make her smile and dance. Almost everyone I know has had that experience of spit up in their mouth, but not me. I've always been too paranoid.. Like this morning, I wasn't sure.. that funny look could mean 20 different things.. but I grabbed a rag to be safe. And I was right. But I wonder if I am missing out on an important part of parenthood.. The right to tell my daughter in 10 years, "Hey, I don't want to hear it! I changed your diapers! I pushed your almost 8 pounds out of my vagina! You spit up in my mouth!"

She has gotten close a few times with her milky drool bombs, but still I catch up. All of them. And that is quite a feat. Beauty is the most drooly baby I have ever seen. At 1 month old, she drooled as much as Booboo did at 4 months while teething, and I had to swim to his crib every morning to save him from drowning. SO MUCH DROOL. I feel sharp little knobs in Beauty's gums and I seriously think she is trying to teeth. But those baby teeth need the grown up teeth to push em out and its just not happening. She is worse than a bulldog.

Drool monster of the baby kind.

But I still don't let it drop into my mouth.

Although she has gotten me with the poop. Booboo used to pee on my mom or his dad every time they took off his diapers. It used to be quite the production for some else to change him, and I would laugh hysterically until I felll on the floor. EVERYTIME. He didn't ever pee on me. Not once. Not even into my mouth, he saved that for Grandma. But Beauty poops when I wipe her bum. PROJECTILE.

As I lift up her legs and bum to finish cleaning her, with no warning, she projectile poops all up my hand and arm. The yellow squirts would have reached my face, I'm quite sure, if I hadn't immediately stuck my hand over it to stop the fountain of disgustingness. Just like my first time playing with a boy in the back of a car. True story.

She hasn't just soaked my hand in poop once. She has done it a few times, each with less warning signs than before. Luckily now, her poops are a bit more solid and less squirty. But still. I know Heather at Dooce claims to have the Olympic Medal pooper, but she hasn't seen this kid.

I keep 2 full outfits, socks and bows even, in the diaper bag at all times because I know that in that 10 minute run to the store she will blow out and it will get EVERYTHING. It doesn't matter if I change her the moment we are leaving, she will poop again. Explosively. And sometimes, she will do it again. I think she enjoys watching me sprint to the bathroom. Booboo finds it hilarious, that's for sure.

Single mom with two little ones. Don't get in my way when I'm headed to the bathroom. Or the laundry room.

So I don't feel to awfully bad about shoving a rag in her face when she is looking awfully sharing. I've had my fair share of momhood already.

In The Most Humble Way

Today I went to my school to get some papers and student loan stuff figured out in prep before I go back in a couple weeks. I took my Beauty in to show her to all the girls who anxiously awaited her arrival with me. Honestly? I was dreading going in. I felt abandoned by them all. I hadn't heard from them in months, and even when I saw the headmaster at the grocery store, she didn't remember me. Plus, I was TERRIFIED that something was going to be wrong with my paperwork.

But as I swallowed the bullet, got there early, and walked in the door, I was given the greatest welcome I could want! Hugs all around, congratulations, and even an apology by the headmaster! Beauty was all smiles and giggles while flirting with all the girls I'm so glad to call my friends!

While I was visiting and talking with my classmates, a sales rep walked in to do a sales pitch/lesson on essential oils. He happened to be a licensed herbalist with 25+ years of experience behind him. I was invited to stay for the presentation. Um, SOLD! I love me some essential oils!!!

I learned so much not just on essential oils but about probiotics and natural body regulation processes. Can I tell you guys enough how much I love that there are no such thing as coincidences! Beauty happens to have thrush, and (TMI warning) I am having a couple different yeast problems myself. Probiotics and treating yeast has been on the forefront of my mind for the past 2 weeks. Its too early to talk too much in detail as I haven't decided what I am going to do, but let's just say that he was so convincing that I am considering becoming a rep myself. Talk about a job that would go hand in hand with my esthetician goals! (And that I could do from home.. VERY IMPORTANT!!!)

As I left the school and headed home, I made a quick stop so Beauty could give her daddy snuggles during lunch. I definitely know the power she has to lift the energy and love mid-day! And he deserves that light at work, especially if its on my way. He only had 5 minutes max to spend with her, but our brief encounter was enough to prompt a text to me moments after I left to say that he hasn't seen my energy that alive since March except for with the kiddies. I radiated, essentially.

I absolutely felt different.. energized, full of purpose, determined, able, HAPPY. It didn't sink in that such a change had overcome my heart until he said something. Thank God! I am so grateful to have people in my life willing to give me feedback, especially negative but also especially positive!!!

I KNOW the whole body wellness route is how I'm meant to live my purpose. Proof is in the results! I had forgotten, especially while on maternity leave. I am so excited that I remembered!!! I really am a Divine! Loving! Creative! Passionate!!! WOMAN of light!!!!!!

YAY for me! (In the most humble way, of course!)

Fathers Day

I am feeling particularly blessed on this Father's Day.

I have two very special men in my life who fathered my bugs. They both love their children more than I could ever explain. I see the affection and leadership they offer as a twinkle as they gaze at their babies. I am so lucky that both of my children are so loved. And even when Booboo's dad stepped out of the picture for a little while, E stepped in and held his hand as life threw several curveballs. I am so glad that fatherhood comes so easily to him.

What I appreciate the most is the support of those men that allows me to be a good mom. I need a break? I ask and most of the time, I get it. I have surgery, or have a baby, or just feel like I was ran over by a garbage truck, both men have taken their kids and brought them back to me. Seriously, I am so grateful.

And I love that both my kids were conceived in such love. Each was my best friend, my whole world.

I am very grateful for my own father as well. He shares his knowledge and love so willingly, and supports me when I am hanging on by a thread. The compassion in his eyes when I am in pain says it all. I love my daddy so very much.

So thank you, all the men and fathers in my life. Thank you for providing that male energy in my life when I was unable to supply it myself. You all will have such a special place in my heart. Today, I celebrate your light.

Hear Me Roar!

I've been meaning to read The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield for almost 2 years now. I knew Pappy, my daughter's paternal grandfather, had a copy but I was always too proud to ask to borrow it. Now that he has past, I thought my chance had past with him. I was assisting at his estate sale a few weeks ago, and while we were cleaning up, I ran across the book. His family graciously allowed me to have it and I starting reading it the very next day. I finished it that same day. I seriously couldnt put it down!

It presents many insights as part of a story that was as intriguing and relatable as it was an adventure. It linked with my heart quickly, as it spoke of "coincidences" and the importance in our lives. I recieved the book as part of a string of "coincidences," and they continued to multiply as I read more and more, just as the book said they would! Ive know for a long time there is no such thing as coincidences, that the Universe presents things in an interlinked, destined way. But to see it happening in my life! The perfect friend calling at the perfect time to talk about EXACTLY what you were just thinking about. A reminder to get my car registered days before a police officer pulls up behind me. And it has just snowballed, starting with the book.

My favorite Ah-ha! is about male and female energies and becoming a perfectly round human being. Shocker, I know. But I never truly understood this before! Each of us have male and female sides, with one side being more prominent than the other. I am female, but I need my male side to balance me out. I know that my tendancy is to fill that male side with a male.. resulting in a power struggling, chaotic, painful relationship that ALWAYS leads to heartbreak and disappointment. My half-self, female, with another half person-sure, together we make a whole but we only have the joy and health of one person as well, both fighting to be whole and take it all, at the expense of the other. NOT GOOD. So Ive know for a while that I need to be a whole, healthy person before going into a relationship with another whole, healthy person so we can be a super-person, as the book said.

What I havent realized is that in my study and work to be a whole person, I've forgot about an ENTIRE SIDE OF ME. My male side! I often project, see the need of men to embrace their feminine sides, knowing that is how they can acheive happiness and stop seeking attention from women. I see it perfectly clear for them! How ignorant and blind I have been to my own path! I didn't WANT to see where I needed work!

In fact, I have been so consumed by owning and being my female power, that I dont even know what is my male side. What are male qualities? Power? Strength? Leader? Even saying those I immediate think, those are womanly qualities too! I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR!

But.. they arent feminine qualities, are they.. and there is the difference. My masculine side is crying out for some attention. I am a mother, a nurturer, a lover. But in my quest to complete my circle, I must be my strong, ambitious, leader self as well! And that perhaps is the point of being WOMAN! ..to be both energies at once, not just my prominent female. And Ive been so confused this whole time!

This insight comes at the perfect time in my life, OF COURSE! Just as I am figuring out how to take on my life as an independent woman, I know I can do it as a whole, healthy human! Seriously, the book is awesome. And I hope my spirit travels with the book as it finds the next person to teach and enlighten, just as all my muses traveled and encircled me while I read every page.

Thanks Pappy, I love you!

Chosing To Blossom

"And then the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom"

-Anais Nin

A long time ago.. ok, not so long, more like last fall.. I was told that I wasn't ready to create the life I dreamed about. And when the pain of the life I was living got to be enough, I would make the appropriate changes. That smart man was absolutely correct.

Pain is a very powerful motivator for me, unfortunately. It drives me to screw my life up and to fix it again. I want to avoid pain so much that I hurt those around me consistently while trying to protect myself. Like when I cut a friend from my life for fear of continued criticism.

Yet, I know how powerful the drive of true happiness can be as well. I just forget. In the moment, I lose sight of the bigger picture, I forget what brings me joy and just try to avoid pain. With my life as proof, I know that avoiding pain is the quickest way to bring more pain into my life. Avoiding pain and seeking pleasure are NOT the same thing, despite how much easier that would make my life. Seriously.

When you come down to it, its simply a choice! I have the choice to hide my beauty in a bud or I can take the scary risk and blossom. In that moment, I get to chose what I focus on, being afraid or bringing the light.

And that is something I get to practice more.. Maybe I should tattoo it to the back of my hand so I remember moment to moment..

Breast Is Best..Sometimes..

As I start this latest round of my medical Journey, I face new challenges and views as a nursing mother.

Nursing this time is really important to me. With Booboo, I couldn't produce enough milk and had to do supplement with half formula. When I had my wisdom teeth out and needed pain meds (and to sleep for 2 days straight), he was 5 months old and I figured it was ok to let my milk finish depleting. He was mostly a formula baby from hospital on anyway. I really feel like I missed out on an incredible experience of nursing him. Frankly, I felt like I was an incomplete WOMAN and a horrible mother.

So this time, I have been DETERMINED to make breastfeeding work. I'm not 17 anymore, my breasts are capable, and I just need the support of those around me to make it work. I have read thousands of articles of how to get the most from breastfeeding, all the important nutrients and antibodies that only breast milk provides, the lifelong benefits, physical and emotional, of breastfeeding. I get it. I'm convinced. This is the most important thing I can do for my baby.

And it was going pretty damn good! I was thrilled that I was producing enough milk for her, and even saving a little for a rainy day. The world revolved around her feeding schedule, and it was always priority numero uno. I bought (well, insurance bought) a kick ass breast pump from Medela that made it possible to feed her even while maintaining a wild, crazy, busy life on the town every weekend. Her dad got to feed her occasionally too.

But the best part was the feeling. I was providing enough for my baby. I was giving her the best possible diet. She smiled and coo'd at me after I fed her, and she snuggled up close to me during every feeding, soaking up and loving the feeling of my skin. Holding my baby to my belly and feeling her suck released every possible endorphin my body makes, I swear. I LOVE breastfeeding and did everything to make sure I could continue. Even when she developed reflux and I learned there were some of my favorite things that I could cut from my diet to make it easier, I did it. Done. Eggs? Buhbye. Chocolate?? Maybe later. MILK???? Rice milk isn't too bad is it..blagh!

You will soon learn why milk deserves four question marks. Its my favorite meal.

But now I wonder if I was too obsessed and overcome by the drive to breastfeed. The Universe decided that now was the time I needed to have my gallbladder kick the bucket, which means lots of meds and surgery.

This stirred a huge debate among people in my life. Which meds are ok to pay to Beauty via breast milk? Prescription pain medication containing codeine was the initial concern. The doctors said it was ok. The pharmacist said it was ok. The Emergency Room doctor said even the morphine was ok. Beauty's father, E, was NOT ok with it however. Friends initially were very against the idea as well.

All the research I found represented 3 main viewpoints: The doctors (Its ok to let it pass), the drug companies and pharmacists (Listen to the doctors), and the mothers (DO NOT BREASTFEED AT ALL). Some articles(mothers) said that research on how much passes and the effects were very inconclusive so err on the safe side and don't do it. They said that no one could be sure how long until the drug would not enter the breast milk any more. Other research I found from the AAP (doctors) said that by 3 hours after taking the medication that less than 1% of the drug even enters the milk, and to treat it like I do alcohol.

I decided that I am ok feeding her if I pump the first feeding following taking the pill, and I do not allow a mass amount to store in my body. Research was less favorable for morphine, so I decided to pump and dump for 15 hours before feeding her again and watched her closely. She never showed any signs of receiving medication, being sleepy or delirious. E and friends still disagreed and did not support my decision, until they heard from a former addict.

She said that in her extensive experience with prescription pain medication, one or two pills a day, taken a few hours before the next feeding, had no effect on her kids while she was breastfeeding. It convinced quite a few minds, and my plan was a lot less far-fetched.

But the question posed to me still haunts my mind: "Really? You are ok put that drug in your daughter's body?"

Que every "I'm a horrible horrible mother" thought I've ever had.

And I guess the answer is yes, as long as it doesn't effect her, I am ok with it. But it makes me wonder, is it just the codeine that makes us worry about passing it on? After all, it is only codeine and half a dose of tylenol. That is one pain pill. And no one seems to worry about taking max doses of ibuprofen and tylenol while nursing. That is all I had after giving birth, max tylenol and ibuprofen every 4-6 hours. Not one nurse, doctor, friend, or concerned writer on the Internet seemed concerned about that passing to my daughter. So is it just the codeine?

As my son has gotten older, I actually welcome the codeine in his cough medicine. I love that it helps him sleep thru the night and offers a break from the constant misery that colds bring on. Its been that way as long as I can remember. Most moms and dads I know feel the same way. So where does it change? When does it become ok to give kids codeine? Or even antibiotics?

When I had to take antibiotics prior to my surgery, I quit breastfeeding altogether and turned to formula and using up the storage I had acquired. Antibiotics are scary to me, and there is so much unknown about them, that the risk of passing it to her and her acquiring an immunity to antibiotics was much too high to justify feeding her. But it makes me wonder, why am I concerned about what I am putting in her body but not mine??

I am so concerned about giving her the best possible food. Giving her healthy breast milk that will not induce reflux or vomitting. I eat healthy foods and take my vitamins so I can pass along the nutrients. I am concerned about the negative things I am passing along, but the benefits of breastfeeding have outweighed the minimal risks of the medication. But why don't I put this much care into my own nutrients and risks and benefits?

What are your thoughts on the issue? Do you think about what you put in your own body? Do you take whatever drug the doctor tells you to, or do you hesitate? If you don't take the prescription, what do you take? Where is the line between "harmless drugs" like tylenol and risky drugs? Do you feel like a bad parent by doing or not doing what the doctor says?

Surgery Equals Fear

So.. I'm having surgery next week sometime.

Last Wednesday, as I was writing a post in fact, I felt a familiar pain start creeping into my stomach and chest. Ive had a few episodes but they quickly went away and I assumed it was heartburn or really backed up constipation or something. This time was different. The pain was starting to get really intense so I scooped up Beauty and hobbled down the stairs as fast as I could. I called to my sister to take the baby and I collapsed on the floor, rolling around in agony. I was screaming and yelling and crying and trying every position I could think of to relieve the pain. After a few minutes my mom asked me if I needed to see a doctor, and I decline. She offered several more times and it took several more upswings of pain to convince me I needed to go.

I threw some pins in my hair to hold back the rocker locks and put on the closest shoes. I made a couple calls to make sure my kids were going to be taken care of but had to hang up on them so they didn't hear me yelling out every curse word I know and calling for my mommy in between the few gasp of air I could force into my tight chest. I couldn't wait any longer. We were headed for the nearest Instacare. The pain went down a little in the car but the nausea kicked in. I thought I was going to die right there in the front seat. Quick detour to the hospital and I collapsed on the front desk of the Emergency Room.

They checked me in quickly and got me to a bed. First question? "You didn't drive yourself here did you?!?" The hunky firefighter nurse asked me what the pain felt like and he tried to not laugh at my response.. It felt like my stomach had ate itself, wasn't satisfied so it went after all my other organs, and then the claw from the Toy Shoppe machine rip my overfull stomach from the center of my core. He gave me the lovely morphine, least I could do was make him smile that gorgeous smile.

Aaaahhhhhh.. (hey I'm a single gal and looks like I will be for quite some time, leave me to my fantasies!)

It was pretty easy to guess that my gallbladder had given up. The ultrasound confirmed and my doctor was trying to book me a surgery for the next morning. Just as I give in and start figuring out options for watching the kids, we find out the OR board is completely booked. Damn. So I have to wait to see a specialist surgeon until next week and then wait even longer to see when he can book my surgery. In the meantime, I have a diet from hell to prevent another attack and all the worry I can muster.

I am in constant pain, it has decreased to a bearable level but still wearing me down. The nausea and dizziness has taken over most of my symptom space. But the most captivating? The soul shattering fear.

I am shaking thinking about the endless possibilities of how things could go wrong. And I know that being in fear, I am not living as my highest self. Yet how do I move past the fear? How do you conquer your fear of death? Fear of pain? Fear of being ill?

Perhaps by being present I can quash some of that fear. Living the moments I do have. But I can't help but go back to the image of my kids crying for Mommy and not being able to pick them up..

I need a hug.

Seeking Forgiveness

There has been a long standing debate between and within my friends about "I'm sorry" and "I apologize." Some even refuse both and say something along the lines of, "I'm accountable for what I did and I commit to not do it again." Ive often wondered where I sit between all of these options and here are my thoughts.

I understand not wanting to succumb to the normal apologetic responses. They are over-worked and essentially meaningless to some people. How many times were we all forced to apologize to people as kids? "Say you're sorry to Mr. Johnson, Timmy!" And grumble out a half-hearted sorry to the man standing there with an expectant hand on his hip. And the feelings associated with being a sorry person, like I am a lesser person than the one I am apologizing to.

"I apologize" has always held a forced and sarcastic undertone for me so I've avoided using it and not trusted those who have used it. I get that it is me that who is assigned value and misinterpreting the message. Yet it is still over-used and insincere by most expressing it.

So to express heartfelt apologies to those we have hurt or offended, we resort to using superlatives to show how really super truly so very sorry we are. Like that makes people believe me more and show that I am once again trustworthy?

This dilemma of apologizing and in conjunction, seeking forgiveness, has spread poisonous threads further thru my life. My uncomfortableness and confusion over expressing my heart, mixed with my huge fear of being wrong and therefore alone, I usually end up not saying anything at all. Or, if I do say something, it comes out distorted and I offend people even worse. I know that if I conquer my fear of being alone, and become at peace (or even excited!) with the prospect of being wrong, I will not hesitate as much. Yet Im still stumped as to what will convey how much I wish I could take back what I did and my determination to be better.

I am not granted forgiveness, for this and a slew of other reasons. As long as I make the proper changes within myself, what does it matter, right? Here is where the poison spreads.. I learned a month or two ago that I base my forgiveness of MYSELF on gaining the forgiveness of others. If others do not forgive me, I am unworthy of ALL forgiveness. I learned that a huge part of living a healthy life and breaking my avoidance cycles is letting go of my past and forgiving myself!

My past reminds me of what a horrible person I am and reaffirms my negative self-talk that I SUCK. So I step into my power, remember who I really am and that I ROCK! But without forgiveness of myself, my past keeps creeping up and sinking its talons into my happiness and dragging me back to my pit.

I've been actively working on forgiving myself, and not basing my forgiveness on OTHERS. I get to be the star in my life! I decide if I'm forgiven or not! I give myself the forgiveness, because I have all the love and faith in myself I could ask for! So without the stress and NEED to gain approval, I'm not afraid to be accountable for my actions! I dont stress about my apologies as much!

So I come back to the debate over how to express it, while being healthy and loving myself. Recently I was really rude to someone I love. While I was asking for forgiveness from them, I knew I needed to forgive myself as well. So how do I ask for forgiveness while instantaneously forgiving myself? Does my forgiveness of myself taint or diminish my apology?

What does "I'm sorry" mean anyway? I am literally saying, I am SORRY. I am defining who I am by the word sorry. What do you think of when I ask you to think of "a sorry man?" I think of a miserable, lonely bum who has reached an awful point of life. I do NOT want to define my being as "sorry." I am a divine, loving, creative, passionate woman of light! No where in there coincides with sorry.

Even "I feel sorry" sounds like I am lowering my light, instead of honoring the awesome person I am. I am agreeing with my icky ego when it tells me I SUCK.

I get to live as I ROCK! I AM awesome, even mid-apology. I get to apologize, genuine and heartfelt, and offer myself the forgiveness I seek. If I don't get that forgiveness from them, then I hope they find peace, for their own sake.

So among my several recent attempts at finding a balance of self-love and forgiveness, while being accountable to those I have caused pain, I have found this to bring the most light to my life:

I apologize for what I've done, and I realize that I was wrong. You don't deserve for me to degrade and belittle you and it wasn't my intention to hurt you. I will be more aware of what I'm doing and your feelings so this does not happen again.

And I mean it with all my heart. Because I am not changing FOR them, Im making myself better because I WANT TO. I forgive myself for making a mistake and am determined to learn from it. So I feel good expressing my apologies in that way without SEEKING forgiveness! If it happens, I am grateful! If not, I am at peace still! And I am excited at how much MORE AWESOME I AM by choosing better!

A Note About Changes Coming Before I Shower

There are some exciting major changes a-blowin' here!

I will no longer be engaging in rants that berate and belittle others. This is MY journey and my life and while there are a lot of people who are a part of my life, they get to feel safe. I will not be erasing the past entries. They are my past and I do not regret it. I apologize to those who may have been hurt by them however and pray they will forgive me. But I get to step into a whole new light and role! So as a reader, please do not be afraid of a draining negativity from this blog anymore. I choose to be a positive force in all my doings from now on! WHOOAAHHH for being a CREATOR!

The name situation has been confusing even for me, so I am seeking permanent names for those I write about. I have a son, Booboo, who is 4 and the energy beam of my life. My daughter, Beauty, was born a few months ago and has brought amazing peace to our family. Other names will be declared as I get permission to include them on my journey.

This blog will soon change addresses and have a makeover (I know, another one?? hahaha). It will also feature my photography portfolio and a store to purchase prints of my art. Im having surgery soon, so the switch wont happen for at least a few weeks.

But first, a shower. I know. You can smell me from there. Your nasal passages will be relieved soon.

Enjoying Motherhood

Fear hides who I truly am. When I live in fear, I am hiding who I am from the world and I become someone I truly detest. Boring. Flaky. Fake. Scared. Alone.

Because fear crushes passion. (Huge insight into why my love life has so many problems!)

But that applies to ALL aspects of my life. Reading letters I wrote a long time ago, when I was happy and living from a space of love, I expressed my excitement to see my son. I was sick to my stomach as I could feel the love I had for him reaching off the page. It had been so long since I had been so passionate about my son. I'm ashamed to say I chose to make parenting him a chore rather than a privilege and pleasure. I looked forward to my days alone and resented his misbehavior.

I know he may one day read this and be hurt to hear the truth. But I know that he already feels the effects of my choice. He seeks attention and approval and I've made him fear upsetting me. I've already put him on a death spiral headed straight for a life of pain. No wonder giving him attention and time doesn't make a difference-he feels my anger and resentment and misery spending time with him.

And he can thank his new sister for opening my eyes to what I've been doing. How could I forget how much I love my little man?!? How could I forget the tears of absolute joy as he left my womb and entered the world?!? Having a new baby that I love so much has renewed my love and appreciation for his unique sweet spirit. And now when he cries for mommy, my heart breaks and I want to cradle him in my arms again. No more "is it bedtime yet?" bull shit!!!

I can finally say, my son is THE shit, not A shit, for testing my patience and misbehaving! He has given me so many opportunities to learn and I am 100% grateful for him for the first time!

I enjoy motherhood a thousand time more now that my eyes have been opened. And what a time because I now am so blessed to be mothering two amazing Bugs! This new angel has changed everything. Im loving it.

Its Not You, Its Me

This blog has served me quite a bit over the past year. It has caused some tension in my life, but also been a huge release. I'm so grateful for the insight and love it has provided me. While reading it I relearn things and smile at the growth I've made. But I also grimace at the sad twist it seems to have made.. Probably half of the things I've published have been about the ups and downs of my love life. It is the perfect window into my life, showing how much my world revolves around OTHERS. As if others are responsible for my happiness and sorrow, my decisions and choices, who I am and who I am meant to be. I get to take some major accountability here. I have let my world fall to ruins because I expected others to make me a happy, healthy and whole person instead of claiming my power and DOING it!

Today is the one year anniversary of what easily could be the most powerful day of my life. I did a ropes course that allowed me to commune with my angels, find the power I have within, and most importantly, pick up the relationship with God I had long since abandoned. So many lessons I learned that day, and since have forgotten again. To celebrate, I am embracing who I truly am and living my purpose. I am meant to beautify, inspire, and heal the world, one ripple at a time. And to fulfill my destiny, I must know who I am and not be afraid to be it.

My life coach's wife is one of the most amazing people I know. She inspires me in ways I don't even comprehend. Their marriage is so pure that I am excited to one day create a relationship like that! She keeps her husband in check, which is hard to do in such a passionate and stubborn family (and I mean that with the utmost respect and love. I appreciate their stubbornness because I recognize it in myself as well). People who love this woman as much as I do and I were discussing WHY every one just loves her. What is it about her that attracts the world in to admire her? I believe it is because she knows who she is and lives it! She is herself every single moment. Is she perfect? Hell no, and I wouldn't ever want her to be. I love her spirit that emanates thru out her entire being and gives pulse to the life around her. I admire her greatly and she inspires me to let go of the fears holding me back and live as the passionate person I am!

So I get to be myself and recognize the power I have within. So blog, we are going to travel down a new path. The old you is being left in the past. Its not you, its me. I'm growing up and you are gonna have to grow with me.