Come On Contractions!

I am currently 39 weeks and 4 days pregnant, going on 10 years. I've reached the point where I feel like I'm going to be pregnant forever, growing bigger and lower every day. Soon I will have a belly that reaches my knees. I will have to home school my baby girl in womb, because it feels like she is NEVER going to come out. And God, you have one hell of an sense of humor. All the new pains that make me wonder and google for hours IS THIS IT? Is this what it feels like to go into labor on my own?

My delivery with Booboo was a great experience, but it was four and a half years ago and very medicalized. I was induced on my due date with him. At my 40 week appointment, my doctor asked if I would like to be induced. I was 17, miserable, and well aware that given this was my first delivery and my family history of very late babies, I most likely would be induced eventually anyway. My doctor also told me it would be for the baby's best interest-to avoid meconium in womb. But I had been dilating and effacing since 34 weeks, and was already 100% effaced and at a 2.5 cm range. And by the time I got to the hospital that night to be induced, I was at a 3.

So I've given birth before, but I don't know what to expect actual labor pains to feel like. And just when I start feeling things that people tell me to watch for (menstrual cramp feelings, back pains, or actual contracting of my uterus) I get excited that this could be it! Is this what you were talking about? I'm feeling lots of pain, so bring on the baby! Ill be preparing, packing my bag, and then it will stop. Suddenly. Not a damn thing happening. COME ON!!! Haven't I done my time yet???

Now would probably be a great time to deeply learn some patience.

And probably an even better time to practice my labor techniques. Each time these pains start, I moan, and uuuggghhhh my way thru them. I lean over the kitchen counter and lay my head on the cool top and wait for it to end. I completely forget about the breathing and meditating and visualizing things that I have in my labor arsenal. I do remember one tiny little fact tho, every time. 20% of pain is the physical sensation. 80% is the mental power I give the pain-most often in the form of fear. So is this pain really that bad? No, not really. I lay on that counter and think, this is nothing. I can totally do this thing. Now please just be more frequent and strong so I can hold my baby girl in a few hours!!!

Lost My Flame

Um..... so.....

I found some very old random lines of poetry and old love letters on my dinosaur of a laptop..

They arent very good, and I COULD take the time to edit them and perfect them but it would ruin the place I was in when I wrote them. They were last updated December 2008.

Here goes..



Between Head and Heart

Its extinct
Is it really?
I have to accept that it is.
Do you really?
I don’t know.
He said so

It cannot be.
I couldn’t see!
So everything is gone?
Not for long.
Love remains unscathed from mistakes.
Yet its not enough to prevent forsake
If that is not, what actions are??
I know of no things anymore

You know yourself.
I never knew who I could be until his touch
I never knew what I was missing til he came along
I never knew what I was losing til he was already gone.
I never knew depths in my heart could love so much
Im on a shelf

Why did you keep playing the game?
Sigh. Life will never be the same
You understand what you did wrong?
Didn’t cherish where I belong.

So what do you do?
I am going to strive to learn
Tho it does not stifle the yearn

I wish my life was joined with his.




And a letter..


My Dearest,

I love you so much.

My life has found its place with you. That night when you walked up to me, my heart fluttered in a way I never knew it could. My soul recognized you as its counterpart. I want to be so perfect for you; I want to be as wonderful for you as you are for me. I love the man you are. Im so thankful for the experiences you have had. I am so happy with you and cant imagine how much I would be missing if I let my head take control. You told me to listen to my heart only and it has moved me into your arms. I love you as my family.

Every time we make love, we reconnect in a way only souls recognize. Every part of me wants and loves every part of you. I KNOW that our future is going to be amazing. It is going to be rough but we will make it. We already have. I trust the Universe to provide for our love. I have never been so sure about anything in my entire life before. I want you

Forever and ever
For all time and all ways. Its never too good to be true.
Ive never been so sure.

Love.
-Me


And then I read the letters that he and I wrote to each other while I was gone on my cruise January 2009. Im not going to post them here, but the connection that he and I felt.. the passion.. I truly didnt realize how much I let that slip away. Where did the poetry go? The dancing? The giggling? The sex? THE DRIVE TO LIVE LIFE?!?!?!?

Even in heartbreak I have lost my flame.

March 2010

Letter to my little bugs

Dear Taterbug, (Beauty)

Your Pappy has just passed away, days before you are due to be born. The world has suffered a great loss, and your Daddy's family feels it the most.

My very first thought when I heard the news of his passing was that he was no longer going to be there at the hospital when you are born. I don't get to capture the moment he first held you on film, and I am very sad about that.

He was so looking forward to meeting you, and you held a very special place in his heart. You are the first grandchild to carry on his name, his legacy. You will have the same twinkling eyes behind those rosy cheeks, just like Pappy and your Daddy. So carry them proudly, and remember the rich heritage it represents.

He felt you move in Mommy's belly for the first time just a week before he went back to heaven. I cant even describe the excitement and light in his eyes as you and him connected for the first time in this physical realm. The love he has for you radiated thru his hands and teary eyes.

But he has always loved you, always will, and still does at this very moment. I am so grateful to your Pappy because I know he will always be there, being an angel to my precious angelbug. I know that he left this physical existence at this moment specifically so that he could return to you in heaven, and help you prepare to meet your family here. He is holding your hand right now, telling you not to be scared, and telling you all the work he did during his time here, just to make way for you to learn the perfect lessons and have amazing experiences and be exactly the parts of special you want to be!

He is telling you what an amazing Daddy he raised for you, and how many people are waiting to love and guide you. He is telling you that he will always be there whenever you ask, helping you create miracles. And he is telling you all the ways your unique vibration is going to ripple out and change the world. And he is absolutely right. Your Pappy is a very smart spirit!

(And trust me Bugaboo, you will miss his long-winded talks when you cant hear them anymore. Luckily, your Daddy is so very much like him!)

Please know how much your family all loves your Pappy, and how blessed your life is because of his specialness. He has taught all of us, in so many ways, both in life and in death. I'm sad that you wont experience him in his physical form, but I know you can absolutely keep that relationship with his spirit thruout your life. You were an angel to him, and now it is his turn to be your angel. You are a lucky, lucky bug.


And my dear Boobug,(Booboo)

I don't think you can possibly understand how lucky you are to have known "Happy." He loved you and treated you as if you were his own grandson, his only grandson.

You have taught me so much as I grieve the loss of Happy. You have shown me that it is ok to be sad and cry, because it just means that I love him. You told me that Pappy was sleeping, a different kind of sleep that he wont wake up from, and that he was ok still. You told me that Happy's body was just going into a stone with his name on it, and that we could still go say "Hi" to him, and when we did that, you want to bring him a flower.

I don't know where you learned so much about death, because I am not very good with it. You are so enlightened, and you inspire me. I love your sincerity and honesty. You are full of love, no matter what. Even if you haven't seen Happy in months, you retain that innocent love. You get it, and I am so grateful and blessed to be your student.

Please know that he still loves you, and is still there for you, Boobug. Remember the times you had with him, playing cars before dinner, teasing you as silly old men do, and him wanting to know EVERY DETAIL about your Christmas morning. And remember always what you taught me: that he truly is "Happy" now.

Love always,
Mommy

He Sent Me Messengers

There were a lot of things I didnt know about seagulls until that day. I knew there was a message for me, a reason he sent those birds specifically to me, so I went searching. This author provided some very basic insight for me. The light bulb went off, and holy crap did he have many things for me to learn with one symbol. Even in death, he is a talented teacher.

The night I first met him, I was blown away by his humility and love for his son. He told me secretly, as we snuck away to truly meet, that out of all his children, The Love of My Life was his pride and joy, the one thing he feels he did right. He said that he could die that very night a happy and fulfilled man because his son was such an amazing person, and I heartily understood. He wasnt a perfect father by any means, but he was always there during the time I knew him. Always willing to help, always eager to give advice, and always ALWAYS himself. He admitted his shortcomings as a parent and was incredibly open to learning from his children in return. It made complete sense, then, why he would send the seagull to me. The gull is one of the rare birds that have guardians for the youth flocks, but not just any parent, the fathers in particular, to teach their young how to survive and protect them until they are fully grown.

One of the greatest things he has shown me is the BLESSING it is to learn from one's children. To further seal in that lesson, that very day Bug impacted me in a huge way. As I cry about my lost friend, my baby boy comforted me, and offered words so perfect and compassionate. He really got it, and had a much better understand of death than I do. I LEARNED from my son, and I humbly got to accept that lesson from him. I realized how little credit I give my Bugaboo, trying to shield him and thinking that I know best. I am so grateful, for both the example of that humility and eagerness to learn, and for both my Bugs who I have so much to learn from!

Another amazing fact about seagulls are their unique personalities. Finding Nemo may show them all as mindless eating zombies, but if you truly watch a flock of seagulls, each has their own style of eating and standing. Toss a crumb on Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco and see all the different ways the birds react. That diversity is something to be CELEBRATED.

I did not celebrate his uniqueness while he was alive. In fact, I hated him for it. I treated him as sub par because he had very different beliefs and styles than me. He called me a bitch, so I punished him continuously for it, even tho THAT WAS JUST WHO HE WAS. He could answer the phone with "Fuck You." and it wouldnt mean anything to him. But I tried to conform him to how I thought things should be, instead of accepting and loving him. Truly, I was seeking acceptance and love myself thru my avoiding behaviors. I was on the edge of this breakthru, could feel the tingles on my fingertips, but wasnt quite there, until he sent me those birds.

Seagulls are very different from other birds also because both parents attend to the nest. The parenting is not only left to the mother. With the approaching birth of my Taterbug, its time to figure out how parenting will be split between me and The Love of My Life. I HATE this and dread it and have reacted poorly every time its brought up. First of all, I hate the thought of parenting having to be SPLIT. I want us to join, and parent together, and be a family one day in the future. But he has made it clear we will "parent separately," and Im pretty sure he has fallen out of love with me and no longer desires any sort of future with me. Secondly, Im terrified of losing time with my baby girl, convinced that she NEEDS me. When really, I need her to need me because then I feel worthy of love. See? This precious being needs me, its ok for me to be loved now.

But that great man knew better and tried to teach me while he was alive. She deserves the most love she can get from BOTH her parents, and that means bonding with each of us. Which means I need to LET GO, stop being so damn scared, and let her bond with her amazing daddy. That doesnt mean I have to give up my bond with her, or stop standing up for what I know will be for her greatest health. I just get to make sure Im thinking of her, not acting out of my own fear. Because he and the seagulls have it right: both parents get to be there for our baby.

This tribute to seagulls may put several people off because lets face it, seagulls do the dirty job no one else wants to do. They are garbage birds. They eat anything and everything, and have saved entire towns because of it (see Utah History). I held so much animosity toward him for doing the exact same thing. He did the dark and dirty things that no one else wanted to do, all for my benefit. I didnt see the beauty of his work until it was too late.

I have such a deep gratitude for him now that I realize the ways he lowered his own light, hid it under his cloaks, so that I could learn how to be different parts of special. I love and appreciate him so much for being that role in my life, that outspoken fireball who pushed me out of my complacency. I truly can say now that I love all those things about him that drove me crazy. And I love that his son is so much like him, and drives me crazy in the exact same ways. Because of him, I now know a much deeper, more honest and true love for The Love of My Life, and even if nothing ever comes from that, my life is better because I have been able to feel that love.

There is so much more to learn from the life of this man-from his life, and from his writing and his art. Im excited to find it! Stepping into the Paradigm of Truth and seeing things (and people!) as they truly are.

And I will do as he taught me one beautiful Sunday evening: See the Darkest Spots, See the Lightest Spots, and create all the Value in between.

A Life Well Spent

"Those who make the worst use of their time are the first to complain of its shortness."

- Jean de la Bruyere

I will admit, my first reaction to The Love of My Life's father's passing was how cruel death is, how short life is. I had moments of anger that "I never got the chance.." I even used that phrase in my last post, but the reality is that I never took those chances. I never chose to step up and do what I knew was right.

I had day after day after days worth of opportunities to open myself back up to that man I love and admire and to let go of my damn pride. But I didnt. I squandered away the time I had with him, and yet I blamed it on fate! Its time I take full accountability for my poor choices and my poor relationships.

If you can hear me, please know that I love you so deeply. Im so sorry for all the ways I mistreated you, and I am so so so sorry that I let go of our bond. And thank you for the wonderful things you gave to this world: your poetic heart, your eye for beauty, your amazing and beautiful family. I am so honored and blessed to pass your name to my daughter.

In Memorium

The man I wanted to be my father-in-law passed away yesterday. And as I lay in the dark crying over all my missed opportunities, all my should-haves, all the grudges I held against him, I find myself craving The Love of My Life were willing to hold me.

The guilt I feel over my selfishness overwhelms me and multiplies my tears. His dad dies and I cry because he doesn't want to share intimacy with me? I cry because I don't get to take a picture of my daughter with her Pappy at the hospital??? I know he is in such a better place, and that he truly is "Happy" now, as Bug referred to him as. But I want him here with me.

As I cry out to be held thru this time, I suddenly remember his voice telling me, "I held you while you cried. And this is how you are with me?" These words are significant to me because of two events..

He said this to me during our huge fight. The one I was still holding against him. The one I refused to let go of. The one where I realized how much The Love of My Life picked up habits and traits from his old man. The one where I realized how truly stubborn all 3 of us are. The one where he was trying to force feedback on me, and I fought tooth and nail against it and didn't listen to a damn word (sound freakin familar?). Not that guilt trips are ok, but he was absolutely right. He was there for me, wanting me to listen because he loved me so damn much, and I really was being a royal bitch to him. I never got to apologize and be accountable for that. I learned so much from that fight, and am still gaining insight because of how perfect of a mirror it was to my fights with his son.

And of course, his words remind me of the actual night he did hold me tight while I cried. First week in August, right before I found out I was pregnant, The Love of My Life broke up with me, and decided to immediately move out all of his freshly moved in belongings. They weren't even there long enough to get any dust on decorations. Bags and bags of clothes and valuables packed up and heading back to his apartment. He called his dad to help him transport everything in one trip.

I sat there, helpless and full of despair, in the middle of the floor and watched him tear himself out of my life again. I bawled as I watched my life, my dreams, my everything seemingly end. I absolutely was living in a space of fear and pain. And even as his son continued to yell at me, that man came to me and wrapped his arms around me and held me. He told me what an amazing person I was, and that I didn't need his son to continue being an amazing person. He told me he loved me, that I would always be his daughter, and that I was strong enough to do this. He was patient with me when I struggled to look into his compassionately tear-filled eyes. He was the father I always wished I had.

And I let go of all that because my pride was hurt. I closed him out of my life because he was human and I wasn't willing to offer my love to him.

And now, as I again cry, wishing for the expression of love from his son, I know he is near by, sending his love and encouraging me to find myself, find my strength. Only this time, he isn't holding me. He is holding my daughter.

The timing on all this is too fated to be chalked up to coincidence. I know, feel it thru to my core, that he volunteered to leave so he could hold my girl and ensure her safe journey to me. Help her not be scared as she walks into the darkness. Help her remember what kind of special she is. Help her prepare to shine her light and rock the shit outta this world. And I am so deeply grateful and touched to him for that. And here come the sobs again..

I love you with all my heart. Thank you for being you. The world is a better place because you were in it.

Love,
Your Fourth Daughter

Angry Rant

The drama is overwhelming.

I don't want to be friends with someone who shoves feedback down my throat and doesn't listen to me. I don't want to be friends with someone who doesn't see anything wrong with saying "fucking" every other word in a raised tone. I don't want to sit and listen for a half hour straight to someone tell me all the things I do wrong and how to do things right. I don't want to be berated with all the "always" and "nevers" that frankly are not true. I don't want to continuously be denied (and told I'm not listening for wanting) the chance to explain, clarify, or refute things that are not true.

I want to vent occasionally. I want to cry with someone and just know that I'm not alone. I want to not be looked down upon or criticized for crying or having a bad day. What happened to just plain showing you have faith in those you love? What happened to just listening?

He isn't capable of being what I want. He is going to jump in and try to fix it and tell me everything he thinks I'm doing wrong. He refuses to just listen. He asks questions he doesn't want the answers to. And he doesn't accept answers that don't fit the way he thinks they should look. And its absolutely wrong of me to try and change him. Its wrong of me to expect him to be what I want. That is who he is choosing to be. And he is choosing to not be involved in my life because that is who he is. Honestly, I'm probably better off.

NOW.

I know Im avoiding. I know that Im pissed off and therefore must be feeling some bad things about myself underneath the surface. But I dont want to look or deal with those right now. I want to rant and be angry and throw lipstick at my pillow to see how high I can get it to bounce back. I know this isnt going to do any good or be healthy, but it feels better than dealing with the constant emotional damage I have brewing underneath.

So deal with it.