A year ago he placed it on my finger.
Pulled me onto his lap and told me the words
every girl wants to hear.
I pulled it out today,
from the secret corner where I
save it for my daughter,
a reminder of the
powerful and passionate love
we once shared.
I wear it and cry.
Cry for all the dreams that were lost,
for all the hurt and pain I inflicted
and received.
Cry for the wounds that havent
scarred over yet.
Cry for my daughters path
and the obstacles she will face.
It is more dull than in my memory,
yet, somehow,
still shimmers and glistens.
The beauty untouched.
I am overcome with gratitude for the wonderful things he brought to me.
My daughter.
My hope.
My life.
The same forces that sent me down
the darkest depths of hell
lit my trail to track my footsteps.
Never the same,
yet never the same.
Never was I more proud than to wear this mans ring.
Did I feel more alive.
Did I feel more afraid.
Did I feel.
I fight to put it back.
Reluctant to remove it from
its perfect home.
Safely nestled in its box,
I hold it close and whisper out a prayer.
Doubtful of its possibility,
but addicted to its prospect.
Please, stay.
.
December 24, 2011
June 21, 2011
Perspective Schmective
I joked (in my head, mostly) about how long today was going to be. I had no idea.
My daughter is screaming. All day and night. No seriously. Like she is being murdered and my soul crings every time. She won't sleep and refuses to calm down for even a moment. She also is pushing every boundary possible. And throwing that damn cup from her crib when its way past her bedtime. Then screaming.
My son just got home from two weeks with his dad so we are experiencing some readjustment time and I'm getting more frustrated than I probably should. Luckily he is snoring softly under my chin at the moment.
I also go on tv bright and early tomorrow to promote my new work and do a demonstration. So tonight I am helping get the website ready for launch which means I'm a little stressed and inevitably picking at my face which should look great for the hundreds of viewers tomorrow.
And then I find out that the man I love, the one I made out with a few days ago? Yeah. He is moving forward with his life. And I'm not going to be a part of it. I knew this day would come and really Im happy and excited for him. Its about time he realized his rockin awesome power and incredible self. My daughter's life will be forever blessed because of the moment tonight of overcoming his fears.
And yet I feel heart broken. The underlying belief? I'm not good enough to be moving forward at his side. I'm not going to be a part of his life because I suck. Ok, processing myself in 3..2...1.....
Correction: I did suck. I didnt feel good enough or worthy. ::Deep breath:: I do not believe lies. I believe Truth! So.. New belief: I trust God and the Universe that I am on my best path and he is on his. Those who are meant to be in my life and with me on my journey will be. Just like you invisible readers.
So I'm sure all these stresses today come back to the negative self-beliefs that snuck their lil heads back into my beautiful day. And then they feed on each other like rabbits in a secluded forest.
Because the Truth is, I have been given an incredible family, an incredible job, and the most incredible lessons I could ever ask for. And an extra amount of sunlight to live my incredible life in today. How's that for perspective.
My daughter is screaming. All day and night. No seriously. Like she is being murdered and my soul crings every time. She won't sleep and refuses to calm down for even a moment. She also is pushing every boundary possible. And throwing that damn cup from her crib when its way past her bedtime. Then screaming.
My son just got home from two weeks with his dad so we are experiencing some readjustment time and I'm getting more frustrated than I probably should. Luckily he is snoring softly under my chin at the moment.
I also go on tv bright and early tomorrow to promote my new work and do a demonstration. So tonight I am helping get the website ready for launch which means I'm a little stressed and inevitably picking at my face which should look great for the hundreds of viewers tomorrow.
And then I find out that the man I love, the one I made out with a few days ago? Yeah. He is moving forward with his life. And I'm not going to be a part of it. I knew this day would come and really Im happy and excited for him. Its about time he realized his rockin awesome power and incredible self. My daughter's life will be forever blessed because of the moment tonight of overcoming his fears.
And yet I feel heart broken. The underlying belief? I'm not good enough to be moving forward at his side. I'm not going to be a part of his life because I suck. Ok, processing myself in 3..2...1.....
Correction: I did suck. I didnt feel good enough or worthy. ::Deep breath:: I do not believe lies. I believe Truth! So.. New belief: I trust God and the Universe that I am on my best path and he is on his. Those who are meant to be in my life and with me on my journey will be. Just like you invisible readers.
So I'm sure all these stresses today come back to the negative self-beliefs that snuck their lil heads back into my beautiful day. And then they feed on each other like rabbits in a secluded forest.
Because the Truth is, I have been given an incredible family, an incredible job, and the most incredible lessons I could ever ask for. And an extra amount of sunlight to live my incredible life in today. How's that for perspective.
June 16, 2011
This Post Is About Relationships
I am going to an incredible seminar where I thought I would be learning how to find prosperity by mixing spirituality and business. I know it seems like a lot of these posts on this blog are about relationships (and my many failed attempts at them) but that is because I have other outlets for the breakthrus I am realizing in the rest of my life!
So. This post is about Relationships. Get over it.
I was sitting and talking with a man who would love to live his purpose by helping people in their marriages and get paid for it. He told me that no relationship really has to be over (at least that is what I heard..) I quickly jumped to tell him that I SUCK AT RELATIONSHIPS. Most readers here would agree. He told me immediately to stop thinking that way.
I told him I realize that I create what I put out there and Im at the stage right now where I NEED to be accountable and OWN that I really do suck at relationships. I have no idea how to be in a healthy relationship without eventually degrading back into codependancy and desperation. My insecurities seem to take over and I forget how to BE me!
On my drive home, I was thinking about a concept I learned in regards to my body, specifically how I give myself excuses to stay in my Identity as a victim. I realized in the session that I DONT really want to be fit and sexy because then I WOULD GET ATTENTION. I find control in being a victim (Im too fat to be loved, and I cant work out or eat right because I dont have the time or money and I would be neglecting my kids) and use it as a temporary fix for the lack of POWER I own. And then I realized how much I more relaxed during sex I could be if I wasnt so disgusted with my own body. Of course.. I think of him.
I start thinking about our relationship and how much I fucked it all up. How much I suck at relationships. Wait a minute.. there is a link here somewh... LIGHT BULB.
I DONT WANT A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP. I have been getting so much out of being a victim and being "left" by every single man Ive ever known. (Biblically). (You can laugh, Im funny). (Anyway back to the amazing break thrus). I sabotage every relationship because I dont want to be in it. Even when it comes to friendships and business relationships, Im the queen of driving people away. And in driving people away I create proof for myself of why I am worthless and I suck at relationships. I tell myself I dont know how to be in a relationship so I dont have to go looking for a relationship and be hurt again.
Because I have a deep seeded belief that I only realized today: Relationships=Pain. Always. Period. Relationships=Hard. Relationships=Lonliness. Relationships=Vulnerable=Victim which REALLY = I am afraid someone will see my power and I WONT HAVE ANY MORE VICTIM EXCUSES TO HIDE BEHIND!!
So I started investigating where I decided to believe this shit. My very first relationship ideas were formed by watching my parents, so as I go into my very first relationship at the age of 15 I saw my parents, his parents, and ourselves falling into a pattern.. The woman must be submissive, over-controlled, and the relationship must be codependant. And I did a DAMN fine job for a little while filling that role.
For those that know me now, that is quite hard to imagine me being submissive. Well maybe not for those who REALLY know me. But I put on quite a hard-ass face and pretend to be one tough bitch. I may do what you want for a little while, but eventually I push back. Hard. So when I no longer was submissive, I felt disconnect and I thought I failed at my marriage. I failed at my relationship. And I felt completely alone. So I decided that since I am not submissive, cheery, and generally kind and loveable, I must suck at relationships all together. I suck and I attracted a man who would verbally confirm all the way that I suck. A wonderful man whose flaws poured salt into my weaknesses.
You get what you put out there.
I planned to fail. Since Im going to ruin this relationship, Im going to get hurt so Im going to do every trick in the book to avoid feeling any pain when this relationship ends. I withdrew, I blamed, I guilt-tripped, I pushed him away and made it unsafe for him to make mistakes. And when the relationship ended, the pain I caused myself only proved that I am a horrible partner.
So I have realized a couple of actions I get to take to heal this in myself.. First. I get to stop IDENTIFYING myself as sucking at relationships. In this moment, it is all behind me. I want to heal my relationships and create lasting connections and peace. I can realize and be accountable for the way I have shown up in my relationships and own the limiting beliefs I have about them without attaching it to who I am and my worth. That very smart man knew that and tried to share it with me but I rejected it until I came to it on my own. Not the first time I have taken the hard road..
The second thing is that I get to get really frickin' clear on what I want from a relationship, why I want it, and what I offer in a relationship. I want a man who is kind, respectful, loving, strong and beautiful, inside and out. Why I want those things can go to a very unhealthy space at the moment, which is why I dont feel ready for a relationship. As for what I offer.. Im still figuring that out. I have a good idea of who I am and why I am here but all of my gifts and talents remain undiscovered. For tonight.
And if you saw this crazy lady frazzled and jotting down all of these amazing insights in my note pad on my way home, thank you for not flipping me off!
So. This post is about Relationships. Get over it.
I was sitting and talking with a man who would love to live his purpose by helping people in their marriages and get paid for it. He told me that no relationship really has to be over (at least that is what I heard..) I quickly jumped to tell him that I SUCK AT RELATIONSHIPS. Most readers here would agree. He told me immediately to stop thinking that way.
I told him I realize that I create what I put out there and Im at the stage right now where I NEED to be accountable and OWN that I really do suck at relationships. I have no idea how to be in a healthy relationship without eventually degrading back into codependancy and desperation. My insecurities seem to take over and I forget how to BE me!
On my drive home, I was thinking about a concept I learned in regards to my body, specifically how I give myself excuses to stay in my Identity as a victim. I realized in the session that I DONT really want to be fit and sexy because then I WOULD GET ATTENTION. I find control in being a victim (Im too fat to be loved, and I cant work out or eat right because I dont have the time or money and I would be neglecting my kids) and use it as a temporary fix for the lack of POWER I own. And then I realized how much I more relaxed during sex I could be if I wasnt so disgusted with my own body. Of course.. I think of him.
I start thinking about our relationship and how much I fucked it all up. How much I suck at relationships. Wait a minute.. there is a link here somewh... LIGHT BULB.
I DONT WANT A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP. I have been getting so much out of being a victim and being "left" by every single man Ive ever known. (Biblically). (You can laugh, Im funny). (Anyway back to the amazing break thrus). I sabotage every relationship because I dont want to be in it. Even when it comes to friendships and business relationships, Im the queen of driving people away. And in driving people away I create proof for myself of why I am worthless and I suck at relationships. I tell myself I dont know how to be in a relationship so I dont have to go looking for a relationship and be hurt again.
Because I have a deep seeded belief that I only realized today: Relationships=Pain. Always. Period. Relationships=Hard. Relationships=Lonliness. Relationships=Vulnerable=Victim which REALLY = I am afraid someone will see my power and I WONT HAVE ANY MORE VICTIM EXCUSES TO HIDE BEHIND!!
So I started investigating where I decided to believe this shit. My very first relationship ideas were formed by watching my parents, so as I go into my very first relationship at the age of 15 I saw my parents, his parents, and ourselves falling into a pattern.. The woman must be submissive, over-controlled, and the relationship must be codependant. And I did a DAMN fine job for a little while filling that role.
For those that know me now, that is quite hard to imagine me being submissive. Well maybe not for those who REALLY know me. But I put on quite a hard-ass face and pretend to be one tough bitch. I may do what you want for a little while, but eventually I push back. Hard. So when I no longer was submissive, I felt disconnect and I thought I failed at my marriage. I failed at my relationship. And I felt completely alone. So I decided that since I am not submissive, cheery, and generally kind and loveable, I must suck at relationships all together. I suck and I attracted a man who would verbally confirm all the way that I suck. A wonderful man whose flaws poured salt into my weaknesses.
You get what you put out there.
I planned to fail. Since Im going to ruin this relationship, Im going to get hurt so Im going to do every trick in the book to avoid feeling any pain when this relationship ends. I withdrew, I blamed, I guilt-tripped, I pushed him away and made it unsafe for him to make mistakes. And when the relationship ended, the pain I caused myself only proved that I am a horrible partner.
So I have realized a couple of actions I get to take to heal this in myself.. First. I get to stop IDENTIFYING myself as sucking at relationships. In this moment, it is all behind me. I want to heal my relationships and create lasting connections and peace. I can realize and be accountable for the way I have shown up in my relationships and own the limiting beliefs I have about them without attaching it to who I am and my worth. That very smart man knew that and tried to share it with me but I rejected it until I came to it on my own. Not the first time I have taken the hard road..
The second thing is that I get to get really frickin' clear on what I want from a relationship, why I want it, and what I offer in a relationship. I want a man who is kind, respectful, loving, strong and beautiful, inside and out. Why I want those things can go to a very unhealthy space at the moment, which is why I dont feel ready for a relationship. As for what I offer.. Im still figuring that out. I have a good idea of who I am and why I am here but all of my gifts and talents remain undiscovered. For tonight.
And if you saw this crazy lady frazzled and jotting down all of these amazing insights in my note pad on my way home, thank you for not flipping me off!
June 5, 2011
Magic Red Carpet Style
Just thinking about this post makes me want to cry.
The last time I wrote, I was on a huge spiritual high coming off of a lesson gifted to me by an old friend. I vowed to open myself up and have faith, especially with God. The big man came thru in a terrific and surprisingly swift way..
As I lay in bed night after night, worrying and wondering what I was doing wrong in my business. I was soaking up information as fast as I could find it. I was implementing all the "tried and true" tips and tricks and persevering. My heart, soul, and life was all consumed in my work, every single day. Bringing clients in, writing useful information for clients, refining my soul as to send out the best energy possible. Day and night, I WORKED. Finally, I had this conversation with the Universe and God:
"You want faith? Fine. You've got it. I give up. Ive been praying for a miracle for weeks now. If my business failing is what it takes, if that is your path for me? It sucks. But I am trusting you. Putting my faith in you. And there better be a big pay off.."
I officially opened myself up for whatever was to come next. The VERY NEXT DAY. I received an email from a potential contact that I had been trying to get a hold of for weeks. It contained a name. No phone number, no email, no link. Just a name, and an indication that she was looking for someone like me.
So I used my mad skills, found a phone number, and called the woman. She wasnt looking for someone like me. She was looking FOR ME.
It looks like I don't need to worry about my business. I have someone else's business to bless for a while. With a steady paycheck and flexible hours. With someone who sees the world thru the same lense I do. Who is in love with my passion and purpose. Who can see my value and wants to present it to the world. Who is giving me the perfect opportunity to work on setting boundaries and being confident. Who is going to pay me to do what I love. I love her for that.
All because I put faith in the Lord that the best path will appear under my feet if I just take a step into the dark. Magic red carpet style.
I am so happy, and altho not everything is perfectly laid out yet, I am so glad to FEEL EXCITED again! Its been so long. Its nice to be back. I am so grateful for all the things that have "fallen thru" lately.. they have all set me up for greatness. Opened a new door. The funny thing is, I had been receiving the notice from the Universe that something was coming for weeks, thru the sages and guides I have in my virtual world. I was ready and perfectly prepped.
If my relationship hadn't ended, I wouldn't have the clarity to see and accept this offer. If promises weren't left unfulfilled in my business relationships, I wouldn't have been open to a new offer. If I had been booked to the brim with clients, I wouldn't have had the time for self and business reflection that has lead me to this insanely cool group of successful business owners!
I am gratitude incarnate. I am especially grateful for the opportunity to address this journal again and grow into earning A Spirit of Love. If you read this, thank you. Thank you for allowing me to send this into the world.
The last time I wrote, I was on a huge spiritual high coming off of a lesson gifted to me by an old friend. I vowed to open myself up and have faith, especially with God. The big man came thru in a terrific and surprisingly swift way..
As I lay in bed night after night, worrying and wondering what I was doing wrong in my business. I was soaking up information as fast as I could find it. I was implementing all the "tried and true" tips and tricks and persevering. My heart, soul, and life was all consumed in my work, every single day. Bringing clients in, writing useful information for clients, refining my soul as to send out the best energy possible. Day and night, I WORKED. Finally, I had this conversation with the Universe and God:
"You want faith? Fine. You've got it. I give up. Ive been praying for a miracle for weeks now. If my business failing is what it takes, if that is your path for me? It sucks. But I am trusting you. Putting my faith in you. And there better be a big pay off.."
I officially opened myself up for whatever was to come next. The VERY NEXT DAY. I received an email from a potential contact that I had been trying to get a hold of for weeks. It contained a name. No phone number, no email, no link. Just a name, and an indication that she was looking for someone like me.
So I used my mad skills, found a phone number, and called the woman. She wasnt looking for someone like me. She was looking FOR ME.
It looks like I don't need to worry about my business. I have someone else's business to bless for a while. With a steady paycheck and flexible hours. With someone who sees the world thru the same lense I do. Who is in love with my passion and purpose. Who can see my value and wants to present it to the world. Who is giving me the perfect opportunity to work on setting boundaries and being confident. Who is going to pay me to do what I love. I love her for that.
All because I put faith in the Lord that the best path will appear under my feet if I just take a step into the dark. Magic red carpet style.
I am so happy, and altho not everything is perfectly laid out yet, I am so glad to FEEL EXCITED again! Its been so long. Its nice to be back. I am so grateful for all the things that have "fallen thru" lately.. they have all set me up for greatness. Opened a new door. The funny thing is, I had been receiving the notice from the Universe that something was coming for weeks, thru the sages and guides I have in my virtual world. I was ready and perfectly prepped.
If my relationship hadn't ended, I wouldn't have the clarity to see and accept this offer. If promises weren't left unfulfilled in my business relationships, I wouldn't have been open to a new offer. If I had been booked to the brim with clients, I wouldn't have had the time for self and business reflection that has lead me to this insanely cool group of successful business owners!
I am gratitude incarnate. I am especially grateful for the opportunity to address this journal again and grow into earning A Spirit of Love. If you read this, thank you. Thank you for allowing me to send this into the world.
May 30, 2011
Best Relationships
"Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship."
-Buddha
Im learning what it means to be healthy in all aspects of my life. Im learning humility and contentment means gratitude and unlocks the secrets of wealthy. I am learning what it means to have FAITH, in God, in people, in life.
Having faith in someone is so much more than believing in them. I believe my son has the ability to clean his room and can do a great job. I believe in him. Faith is more than even trusting him to clean his room when I ask him. Faith is knowing he will do the best thing for himself, for me, and for our family. Faith is letting him make his mistakes and figure it out on his own. I have faith in my God to provide for me, even if it isnt exactly the way I wanted it to turn out.
Im realizing how little faith Ive had in all my relationships. With God, with my family, with my friends, and in my romantic relationships. I dont PUT my faith in people. I emphasize the word PUT because it is ACTION. It is a DECISION I have to make. Without a conscious choice to PUT my faith into those around me, I am making an unconscious choice to tell them they aren't good enough. They aren't fulfilling me. They aren't worthy of my faith.
I am actually really excited about this lesson on Faith and my choices! It's my path to letting go and letting love. I put my faith in those around me and I feel safe enough to allow them their choices and mistakes. I love seeing them learn and grow as they feel free to BE, and they feel safe to return the love. And in the end, I am safe as I put my Faith in God. I know I will be provided for and that everything is for my greatest good. The path appears as I take my step. So I feel safe to let go and stop controlling every one and thing around me.
Im so excited to see the raise in vibration of myself and those around me when I put my faith in them! I am excited to create the best relationships!
-Buddha
Im learning what it means to be healthy in all aspects of my life. Im learning humility and contentment means gratitude and unlocks the secrets of wealthy. I am learning what it means to have FAITH, in God, in people, in life.
Having faith in someone is so much more than believing in them. I believe my son has the ability to clean his room and can do a great job. I believe in him. Faith is more than even trusting him to clean his room when I ask him. Faith is knowing he will do the best thing for himself, for me, and for our family. Faith is letting him make his mistakes and figure it out on his own. I have faith in my God to provide for me, even if it isnt exactly the way I wanted it to turn out.
Im realizing how little faith Ive had in all my relationships. With God, with my family, with my friends, and in my romantic relationships. I dont PUT my faith in people. I emphasize the word PUT because it is ACTION. It is a DECISION I have to make. Without a conscious choice to PUT my faith into those around me, I am making an unconscious choice to tell them they aren't good enough. They aren't fulfilling me. They aren't worthy of my faith.
I am actually really excited about this lesson on Faith and my choices! It's my path to letting go and letting love. I put my faith in those around me and I feel safe enough to allow them their choices and mistakes. I love seeing them learn and grow as they feel free to BE, and they feel safe to return the love. And in the end, I am safe as I put my Faith in God. I know I will be provided for and that everything is for my greatest good. The path appears as I take my step. So I feel safe to let go and stop controlling every one and thing around me.
Im so excited to see the raise in vibration of myself and those around me when I put my faith in them! I am excited to create the best relationships!
May 28, 2011
Period.
I cannot believe the roller coaster I have been thru in the last few weeks. Heartbroken to heart-breaker to needy and desperate to self-fulfilled to defensive and aggressive and back to a sobbing mess, struggling to take my power back and BE the healthy, happy person I am.
And then I start my period 5 days early and it all kind of makes sense. Yes, this will be one of THOSE posts. I know talk about hormones or womanly functions creep out some people, but respectfully, those people need to get over it. Those people are the ones who raise daughters like me that RESENT their womanhood, that reject their feminine beauty, that think being a woman means never being strong. It is a constant struggle every day for me to embrace being a woman. I write for their daughters.
Frankly, I believe the rejection of my femininity is what causes 99% of my hormone imbalances and painful periods. I also believe that it is closely linked to the trouble I have in all my relationships, from family to friends to business.
It makes sense when I consider the Chakras associated with this area. The Sacral Chakra, according to The Chakra Bible, does not contain the specific organs, but rather the "life-sustaining energy behind sexual impulse." Basically, problems in this area signify trouble with the opposite sex: father, brother, boyfriend, husband, etc for women and mother, sister, girlfriend, wife, etc for a man. Also, this Chakra extends to the lower back, which can also signify monetary stress in your life. As I read more and more of Louise L. Hay's Heal Your Body A-Z, the more I realize that the pain I experience during that time of the month (and hormone swings the weeks before and after) are really ME FIGHTING THE WOMANHOOD INSIDE OF ME.
No wonder I struggle with the men in my life and are constantly stressed about money. I have been so confused and at war with what being a woman really means. One part of me has a vision of a woman being a 1950's house mom, cooking and cleaning and never having a definite opinion about anything. I suppose this is supported by the way I felt incapable and insignificant with my father growing up. My decisions and opinions were criticized subtly, and I slowly lost faith in my abilities as I made more and more mistakes. I need to be small, protected, and a big man to be responsible for my happiness. I cry at everything and I would be selfish if I took one moment for myself.
The other part of me sees a "real" woman as an Amazonian warrior. I need to be without a man completely. I need to be strong, never giving in, and heartless. I am stronger than the world and I can never be hurt. To cry means defeat and I can never assign myself to defeat. I must fight. I must look after myself as number one! I am large and in charge, and I must control everything around me! I think this belief came from being the big sister, having to take care of myself while the babies got attention. Be a big girl and go play by yourself. Don't be a baby. Get back up. Never give in to wearing a skirt!
No wonder I feel so torn. Bleeding every month is weakness that must be destroyed, but I desperately want to be wrapped up in Ashton Kutcher's arms as we listen to the period mix he made me. And I hate myself for feeling either of those emotions.
The clincher? The Sacral Chakra is often called "the center of self-expression and joy." It is where creativity and connection come from. Like I said, this is the life-giving energy pulsing thru my womb. Creating in its pures forms. Creating and bringing a literal piece of Heaven to Earth, connecting me to God, connecting to the father of my children, connecting to my past (genes) and my future (my offspring). Life. Energy. In fact, if this Chakra is completely closed no joy may be experienced, and if it is hyperactive frustration and confusion sets in. There is a reason why it is the second Chakra formed, and its power on the quality of your life will astound you.
Now, the Sacral Chakra certainly deals with my monthly hormone surges, but the actual sex organs that make this time possible are located in the Root Chakra. The very first Chakra. This Chakra holds the feelings of balance, stability and peace, as well self-preservation, safety and security. It includes the very base of the spine, and thus can hold the key to energy, movement, and progress. It makes sense why when I am in a stable position in life, my cycle is exactly 28 days and occurs with the moon's phases. If I am unbalanced, I am late or early and my hormones are off the charts batshit crazy spirals. Like now.
What I find REALLY interesting is how this site describes the association of the Root Chakra and Dragons. "Dragon is a symbol for the kundalini fire energy." I happen to have an obsession with Dragons, and only recently did I learn that according to the Chinese Zodiac, I am a Dragon. Not only a Dragon, but an Earth Dragon. The description matches closely the FIRE description in Ayurveda I learned while in school. Fire, or Pitta, dosha people usually are overly logical. Everything has a reason and a path and if I don't see the path, too bad. But it means I think and think and think about a decision before I make it. I do have the tendency to be a hothead and angry but it also means I am passionate about my decisions and talents and life! I love how all of these seem to interconnect and meet in a perfect neutral zone.
I feel like as I exercise my physical body, as I redefine what a woman is (and allow myself to be it!), as I work on creating stability and internal safety in my life, my periods might work themselves out.. I would prefer to avoid medical intervention. In the end, I'm reaching a breaking point to where I cannot work, play or even sit on days like this and I have big changes to make. Period.
And then I start my period 5 days early and it all kind of makes sense. Yes, this will be one of THOSE posts. I know talk about hormones or womanly functions creep out some people, but respectfully, those people need to get over it. Those people are the ones who raise daughters like me that RESENT their womanhood, that reject their feminine beauty, that think being a woman means never being strong. It is a constant struggle every day for me to embrace being a woman. I write for their daughters.
Frankly, I believe the rejection of my femininity is what causes 99% of my hormone imbalances and painful periods. I also believe that it is closely linked to the trouble I have in all my relationships, from family to friends to business.
It makes sense when I consider the Chakras associated with this area. The Sacral Chakra, according to The Chakra Bible, does not contain the specific organs, but rather the "life-sustaining energy behind sexual impulse." Basically, problems in this area signify trouble with the opposite sex: father, brother, boyfriend, husband, etc for women and mother, sister, girlfriend, wife, etc for a man. Also, this Chakra extends to the lower back, which can also signify monetary stress in your life. As I read more and more of Louise L. Hay's Heal Your Body A-Z, the more I realize that the pain I experience during that time of the month (and hormone swings the weeks before and after) are really ME FIGHTING THE WOMANHOOD INSIDE OF ME.
No wonder I struggle with the men in my life and are constantly stressed about money. I have been so confused and at war with what being a woman really means. One part of me has a vision of a woman being a 1950's house mom, cooking and cleaning and never having a definite opinion about anything. I suppose this is supported by the way I felt incapable and insignificant with my father growing up. My decisions and opinions were criticized subtly, and I slowly lost faith in my abilities as I made more and more mistakes. I need to be small, protected, and a big man to be responsible for my happiness. I cry at everything and I would be selfish if I took one moment for myself.
The other part of me sees a "real" woman as an Amazonian warrior. I need to be without a man completely. I need to be strong, never giving in, and heartless. I am stronger than the world and I can never be hurt. To cry means defeat and I can never assign myself to defeat. I must fight. I must look after myself as number one! I am large and in charge, and I must control everything around me! I think this belief came from being the big sister, having to take care of myself while the babies got attention. Be a big girl and go play by yourself. Don't be a baby. Get back up. Never give in to wearing a skirt!
No wonder I feel so torn. Bleeding every month is weakness that must be destroyed, but I desperately want to be wrapped up in Ashton Kutcher's arms as we listen to the period mix he made me. And I hate myself for feeling either of those emotions.
The clincher? The Sacral Chakra is often called "the center of self-expression and joy." It is where creativity and connection come from. Like I said, this is the life-giving energy pulsing thru my womb. Creating in its pures forms. Creating and bringing a literal piece of Heaven to Earth, connecting me to God, connecting to the father of my children, connecting to my past (genes) and my future (my offspring). Life. Energy. In fact, if this Chakra is completely closed no joy may be experienced, and if it is hyperactive frustration and confusion sets in. There is a reason why it is the second Chakra formed, and its power on the quality of your life will astound you.
Now, the Sacral Chakra certainly deals with my monthly hormone surges, but the actual sex organs that make this time possible are located in the Root Chakra. The very first Chakra. This Chakra holds the feelings of balance, stability and peace, as well self-preservation, safety and security. It includes the very base of the spine, and thus can hold the key to energy, movement, and progress. It makes sense why when I am in a stable position in life, my cycle is exactly 28 days and occurs with the moon's phases. If I am unbalanced, I am late or early and my hormones are off the charts batshit crazy spirals. Like now.
What I find REALLY interesting is how this site describes the association of the Root Chakra and Dragons. "Dragon is a symbol for the kundalini fire energy." I happen to have an obsession with Dragons, and only recently did I learn that according to the Chinese Zodiac, I am a Dragon. Not only a Dragon, but an Earth Dragon. The description matches closely the FIRE description in Ayurveda I learned while in school. Fire, or Pitta, dosha people usually are overly logical. Everything has a reason and a path and if I don't see the path, too bad. But it means I think and think and think about a decision before I make it. I do have the tendency to be a hothead and angry but it also means I am passionate about my decisions and talents and life! I love how all of these seem to interconnect and meet in a perfect neutral zone.
I feel like as I exercise my physical body, as I redefine what a woman is (and allow myself to be it!), as I work on creating stability and internal safety in my life, my periods might work themselves out.. I would prefer to avoid medical intervention. In the end, I'm reaching a breaking point to where I cannot work, play or even sit on days like this and I have big changes to make. Period.
May 22, 2011
Walk, Not Run
The thing about getting what you want.. You have to actually know what you want.
And I dont know what I want.
Ive spent a lot of time thinking and thinking lately about what is healthy for me. I think and read and talk about the things I SHOULD want. I SHOULD want to spend time just on me. I SHOULD want to stay home alone and enjoy my time with out my kids. I SHOULD be happy my shitty relationship is over. But that isnt how I feel. It isnt what I want.
So I meditate. I do yoga and be with my breath. I play my affirmation recording about 6 times before I start to feel like the strong beautiful woman I am. Then I ask myself what I want, and I still feel the many conflicting ideas fight and push each other down and race to be the declaration of what I want.
I want to be happy. I want to feel like ME again. I want to feel powerful and free and loved. I want to feel like the bright, shiny woman from last summer whose writings still inspire me. THAT is ME. That is who I am at my core. I am amazing. I want to feel it. That is the drive to write, to pray, to cry, to read, to dedicate money and time to amazing coaches who remind me of the path to be that woman again. It is my ONLY reason, and I am happy with that. I know that is what I want.
But that is not the only thing I want. I do want a healthy relationship with an amazing man. I do want to marry an incredible partner and conquer the world together. I want someone I can count on to remind me of my amazingness when I slip and fall, who will remember all my good qualities even when I show only the bad, who inspires and pushes me to fly when I feel scared to leave the nest. More specifically, I want the man who I know this is.
So because of all the things I am told about what I SHOULD want, I doubt my reasons for wanting a life with my soulmate. I start thinking that wanting one is unhealthy, that Im being needy. And I certainly go into that needy realm every time I am in a relationship.
The thing is.. I know that the things I want are not inherently bad. They become unhealthy when I NEED them to fulfill me externally. At my core, I do want my soulmate, but not so that I feel worthy of love or to feel like Im enough. I want him to experience another level joy WITH. The fact that I want to give love to another person is truly healthy.
As I transform to a healthy person, the things I want transform to be healthy too.
Yet, I feel terrified of going after what I want. I do not know how to be in a healthy relationship. I do not know how to stay a healthy, whole person while in a relationship. Piece by piece, I start slipping. A tiny little insecurity of mine gets triggered, and I react in a way that activates his insecurity which activates mine again. The degrade can be slow, but eventually it has ALWAYS happened. I have screwed up every relationship I have ever had.
I know that God gives me these specific relationships so that my specific insecurities are triggered. This is how I will learn! This is how I will grow! And hopefully, eventually, I grow out of my insecurities and being called names or being "left" will no longer trigger me. And even if they are triggered, I wont close down and be devastated. I have learned a lot about myself. I have grown up significantly. Yet I still struggle, and possibly will struggle for quite some time.
So why would I want to put someone else thru that? I feel like if I am in a relationship I will be a disease on their life. I am poison. No matter how healthy or hopeful I am in the beginning, I will mess up. And they will be devastated. And they will be hurt. And they will have their insecurities triggered and they will become unhealthy and lose hope too. He, especially, doesnt deserve that.
I realize this is fear talking. I realize I am in the grips of doom and gloom and see only the worst possible outcome.
Shaking off the debate inside of me, stepping into creation and optimism and ME, I do know what I want. I want to be with the man that I love. I want to have my family back. I want to climb mountains with him and give him all the love I possess and lift him up. I want to see him grow and mature and live and BE happy. And I want to do all of this while BEING happy, BEING healthy and whole, BEING ME.
I am working on respecting his decision. I am working on being open to the universe that if I am meant to be with someone, it will work out. I am working on not closing off my mind, demanding that I get the ONE person I want, but opening my mind to all the possibilities. I can have a healthy, happy marriage without it being a specific person. I am working on Letting Go. Im just not there yet.
Which is how I know I still have work to do. I have to get the first thing I want (being me) before I can go after the other things I want. I have to master walking on my own before I can run with someone else. Otherwise I would just run away again.
And I dont know what I want.
Ive spent a lot of time thinking and thinking lately about what is healthy for me. I think and read and talk about the things I SHOULD want. I SHOULD want to spend time just on me. I SHOULD want to stay home alone and enjoy my time with out my kids. I SHOULD be happy my shitty relationship is over. But that isnt how I feel. It isnt what I want.
So I meditate. I do yoga and be with my breath. I play my affirmation recording about 6 times before I start to feel like the strong beautiful woman I am. Then I ask myself what I want, and I still feel the many conflicting ideas fight and push each other down and race to be the declaration of what I want.
I want to be happy. I want to feel like ME again. I want to feel powerful and free and loved. I want to feel like the bright, shiny woman from last summer whose writings still inspire me. THAT is ME. That is who I am at my core. I am amazing. I want to feel it. That is the drive to write, to pray, to cry, to read, to dedicate money and time to amazing coaches who remind me of the path to be that woman again. It is my ONLY reason, and I am happy with that. I know that is what I want.
But that is not the only thing I want. I do want a healthy relationship with an amazing man. I do want to marry an incredible partner and conquer the world together. I want someone I can count on to remind me of my amazingness when I slip and fall, who will remember all my good qualities even when I show only the bad, who inspires and pushes me to fly when I feel scared to leave the nest. More specifically, I want the man who I know this is.
So because of all the things I am told about what I SHOULD want, I doubt my reasons for wanting a life with my soulmate. I start thinking that wanting one is unhealthy, that Im being needy. And I certainly go into that needy realm every time I am in a relationship.
The thing is.. I know that the things I want are not inherently bad. They become unhealthy when I NEED them to fulfill me externally. At my core, I do want my soulmate, but not so that I feel worthy of love or to feel like Im enough. I want him to experience another level joy WITH. The fact that I want to give love to another person is truly healthy.
As I transform to a healthy person, the things I want transform to be healthy too.
Yet, I feel terrified of going after what I want. I do not know how to be in a healthy relationship. I do not know how to stay a healthy, whole person while in a relationship. Piece by piece, I start slipping. A tiny little insecurity of mine gets triggered, and I react in a way that activates his insecurity which activates mine again. The degrade can be slow, but eventually it has ALWAYS happened. I have screwed up every relationship I have ever had.
I know that God gives me these specific relationships so that my specific insecurities are triggered. This is how I will learn! This is how I will grow! And hopefully, eventually, I grow out of my insecurities and being called names or being "left" will no longer trigger me. And even if they are triggered, I wont close down and be devastated. I have learned a lot about myself. I have grown up significantly. Yet I still struggle, and possibly will struggle for quite some time.
So why would I want to put someone else thru that? I feel like if I am in a relationship I will be a disease on their life. I am poison. No matter how healthy or hopeful I am in the beginning, I will mess up. And they will be devastated. And they will be hurt. And they will have their insecurities triggered and they will become unhealthy and lose hope too. He, especially, doesnt deserve that.
I realize this is fear talking. I realize I am in the grips of doom and gloom and see only the worst possible outcome.
Shaking off the debate inside of me, stepping into creation and optimism and ME, I do know what I want. I want to be with the man that I love. I want to have my family back. I want to climb mountains with him and give him all the love I possess and lift him up. I want to see him grow and mature and live and BE happy. And I want to do all of this while BEING happy, BEING healthy and whole, BEING ME.
I am working on respecting his decision. I am working on being open to the universe that if I am meant to be with someone, it will work out. I am working on not closing off my mind, demanding that I get the ONE person I want, but opening my mind to all the possibilities. I can have a healthy, happy marriage without it being a specific person. I am working on Letting Go. Im just not there yet.
Which is how I know I still have work to do. I have to get the first thing I want (being me) before I can go after the other things I want. I have to master walking on my own before I can run with someone else. Otherwise I would just run away again.
May 18, 2011
Story of The End
Im back. And broken. And unhealthy. Again. SURPRISE!
What good would a blog about emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being be without serious unhealthy issues to work thru? So please excuse the uncomfortable language until I find my voice again..
I have been having incredible, vivid, terrifying nightmares. I wake up screaming, shaking and alone. In an effort to explore what these nightmares mean and bring to light the issues my subconscious is dealing with, I would like to analyze them here.
A little back story: the Love of My Life broke off our engagement and moved out last week. He had threatened it several times but always changed his mind. We were in couples therapy as well as individual therapy but things were not going well. I was reaching my limit as well but was committed to working on myself and our relationship. We had just agreed to take a month to work on ourselves and not the relationship when he snapped over something seemingly small. I am still very confused and upset about the entire situation and have been trying to work thru everything that has come up without much success. Basically Ive resorted to sobbing randomly and trying to be as kind to him (now referred to as E) as I can be.
The first nightmare that left me shaking for days was being raped. I was in some sort of a school setting and a stranger shoved their hand up into me and laughed when I freaked out. I was shaking, scared, and running away. I searched for E to comfort and protect me but ended up sitting and waiting on the school steps, surrounded by friends yet still not feeling safe, for the police to show up. This nightmare happened the day after the break up.
I will be using this site's interpretation of my nightmares and the symbols in them.
First of all, the fact that I am having nightmares means that my conscious mind is fighting the realization of truth and the only way to work thru these issues of mine is to present them in my dreams. Second, I believe it is giving me an opportunity to rely on myself to calm down and feel safe after a nightmare. Normally, I call someone and have them tell me I am safe, no matter the hour. I finally resolved to take care of myself, and I didnt calm down immediately, and the images haunted me for days, until I looked up the meanings of the symbols.
So my first nightmare. The big obvious symbol, rape. "To dream that you have been raped, indicates vengeful or resentful feelings toward the opposite sex. You feel that you have been violated or that you have been taken advantage of. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. Things are being forced upon you. Dreams of rape are also common for those who were actually raped in their waking life." The moment I looked up this symbol, I was struck by the fittingness of everything listed. I am going thru a break up, the end of a relationship and family, the end of a life together, the death of a heart. I have been feeling resentful for months towards E, feeling taken advantage of, feeling like I give anything and everything in the world to him only to be walked on instead. I have given him complete power and authority over my self-worth, and he decides (depending on how he is feeling that moment) my entire value. I did not choose this break up. I dont have many choices because I let him decide my day, my plans, which things are important and which are not.
The key is I LET HIM. I gave up every choice, I did not honor my own worth or set the standard for what I deserve. I treated myself like crap, and I stopped taking care of myself around last December. I became dependant, lost, unconscious. THIS IS WHEN OUR ISSUES STARTED. This was the beginning of the end. I have been intellectually realizing this for the last week, trying to wrap my mind around it. But I am forcing all the accountability onto myself and thus still resenting myself and not feeling a change in my heart. I still feel taken advantage of, betrayed, abandoned, and like I have no choice even tho I know the reasons why. Which is exactly why my dreams have become the only place to allow myself to feel those things. I am still getting something out of the low vibration Ive been at. It is scary to really own my power and allow myself to take accountability for my life because all I can see are the mistakes, and mistakes mean I am a bad person, and that means I will never be loved. So many untrue things in that thought process, I can see them, Im working on FEELING them.
The second symbol that really stood out to me was the school setting. "To dream that you are in school, signifies feelings of inadequacy and childhood insecurities that have never been resolved. It may relate to anxieties about your performance and abilities. Alternatively, a dream that takes place in school may be a metaphor for the lessons that you are learning from your waking life.You may be going through a 'spiritual learning' experience." In this particular dream, I believe there is truth in both interpretations. I am definitely on a spiritual learning experience at this point in my life, and I started it even before he left. I want to be the happy person who wrote the amazing articles preceding this one. And I feel inadequate and worthless, which are the two main childhood insecurities I can remember. I feel like a horrible wife, girlfriend, mother, friend, and lover. Especially given the many fights E and I revolving around sex and the rejection of it, I absolutely felt like if I was just more attractive, if I just weighted 30 pounds less, if I was just more loving, if I was just a better mother to our daughter, if I was just better in bed, if I actually turned him on, if I just tried harder or more often or less aggressively or less often, maybe then he would stop rejecting my advances. Maybe he would finally make an advance! I felt like a little girl. Maybe if I just do everything my parents want me to I would get the love I want. Talk about a Freudian fallacy.
So first, I apparently have several issues to resolve in myself regarding my parents, my dad especially, and the approval I always sought to hard to receive. Suck. I thought I had already overcome that one. Intellectually, I know that if I was enough for myself then it wouldnt matter if I was enough for everyone else, and coincidentally that is when I would attract people who would love me as I am. And I know that as I fight to become better for everyone else, I neglect my spirit, my internal needs, and become less and less and slip more and more into the hole. So this is where I truly do focus on myself. I work on my affirmations and repeat them religiously. I remain aware of the times I am people pleasing again. This is where I rejoice in not being in a relationship, because I cannot wrap my head around how to be in a nonintimate relationship and dealing with constant rejection. I suppose its a lesson I have to learn one day, but its not one I can navigate in a healthy way right now. So I just get to work on that 5 year old in my soul and gradually mature her without the constant struggle.
The symbol of police "symbolizes structure, rules, power, authority and control. To dream that you are having difficulties contacting the police, suggests that you have yet to acknowledge your own authoritativeness in a situation. You need to take control and be in command of the direction of your life." Um, hello. Perfect, and pretty self explanatory. For my logical mind, everything must have rules, and I constantly struggle with trying to control things. So instead of trying to control everything around me, I need to control MYSELF, a power I do not grant myself willingly.
With the explanation of these symbols, my dream would read like this:
I was in a state of feeling inadequate and worthless, like I did as a child. I felt taken advantage of by E, like he was violating my self-esteem and I resented him for it (even tho I know it was I who gave it up willingly). I was shaking, scared, and running away. I wanted E to comfort and protect me. I sat and waited for my own control of myself and life to show up but I was not willing to.
HELLO. Welcome to the story of the end of my relationship.
What good would a blog about emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being be without serious unhealthy issues to work thru? So please excuse the uncomfortable language until I find my voice again..
I have been having incredible, vivid, terrifying nightmares. I wake up screaming, shaking and alone. In an effort to explore what these nightmares mean and bring to light the issues my subconscious is dealing with, I would like to analyze them here.
A little back story: the Love of My Life broke off our engagement and moved out last week. He had threatened it several times but always changed his mind. We were in couples therapy as well as individual therapy but things were not going well. I was reaching my limit as well but was committed to working on myself and our relationship. We had just agreed to take a month to work on ourselves and not the relationship when he snapped over something seemingly small. I am still very confused and upset about the entire situation and have been trying to work thru everything that has come up without much success. Basically Ive resorted to sobbing randomly and trying to be as kind to him (now referred to as E) as I can be.
The first nightmare that left me shaking for days was being raped. I was in some sort of a school setting and a stranger shoved their hand up into me and laughed when I freaked out. I was shaking, scared, and running away. I searched for E to comfort and protect me but ended up sitting and waiting on the school steps, surrounded by friends yet still not feeling safe, for the police to show up. This nightmare happened the day after the break up.
I will be using this site's interpretation of my nightmares and the symbols in them.
First of all, the fact that I am having nightmares means that my conscious mind is fighting the realization of truth and the only way to work thru these issues of mine is to present them in my dreams. Second, I believe it is giving me an opportunity to rely on myself to calm down and feel safe after a nightmare. Normally, I call someone and have them tell me I am safe, no matter the hour. I finally resolved to take care of myself, and I didnt calm down immediately, and the images haunted me for days, until I looked up the meanings of the symbols.
So my first nightmare. The big obvious symbol, rape. "To dream that you have been raped, indicates vengeful or resentful feelings toward the opposite sex. You feel that you have been violated or that you have been taken advantage of. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. Things are being forced upon you. Dreams of rape are also common for those who were actually raped in their waking life." The moment I looked up this symbol, I was struck by the fittingness of everything listed. I am going thru a break up, the end of a relationship and family, the end of a life together, the death of a heart. I have been feeling resentful for months towards E, feeling taken advantage of, feeling like I give anything and everything in the world to him only to be walked on instead. I have given him complete power and authority over my self-worth, and he decides (depending on how he is feeling that moment) my entire value. I did not choose this break up. I dont have many choices because I let him decide my day, my plans, which things are important and which are not.
The key is I LET HIM. I gave up every choice, I did not honor my own worth or set the standard for what I deserve. I treated myself like crap, and I stopped taking care of myself around last December. I became dependant, lost, unconscious. THIS IS WHEN OUR ISSUES STARTED. This was the beginning of the end. I have been intellectually realizing this for the last week, trying to wrap my mind around it. But I am forcing all the accountability onto myself and thus still resenting myself and not feeling a change in my heart. I still feel taken advantage of, betrayed, abandoned, and like I have no choice even tho I know the reasons why. Which is exactly why my dreams have become the only place to allow myself to feel those things. I am still getting something out of the low vibration Ive been at. It is scary to really own my power and allow myself to take accountability for my life because all I can see are the mistakes, and mistakes mean I am a bad person, and that means I will never be loved. So many untrue things in that thought process, I can see them, Im working on FEELING them.
The second symbol that really stood out to me was the school setting. "To dream that you are in school, signifies feelings of inadequacy and childhood insecurities that have never been resolved. It may relate to anxieties about your performance and abilities. Alternatively, a dream that takes place in school may be a metaphor for the lessons that you are learning from your waking life.You may be going through a 'spiritual learning' experience." In this particular dream, I believe there is truth in both interpretations. I am definitely on a spiritual learning experience at this point in my life, and I started it even before he left. I want to be the happy person who wrote the amazing articles preceding this one. And I feel inadequate and worthless, which are the two main childhood insecurities I can remember. I feel like a horrible wife, girlfriend, mother, friend, and lover. Especially given the many fights E and I revolving around sex and the rejection of it, I absolutely felt like if I was just more attractive, if I just weighted 30 pounds less, if I was just more loving, if I was just a better mother to our daughter, if I was just better in bed, if I actually turned him on, if I just tried harder or more often or less aggressively or less often, maybe then he would stop rejecting my advances. Maybe he would finally make an advance! I felt like a little girl. Maybe if I just do everything my parents want me to I would get the love I want. Talk about a Freudian fallacy.
So first, I apparently have several issues to resolve in myself regarding my parents, my dad especially, and the approval I always sought to hard to receive. Suck. I thought I had already overcome that one. Intellectually, I know that if I was enough for myself then it wouldnt matter if I was enough for everyone else, and coincidentally that is when I would attract people who would love me as I am. And I know that as I fight to become better for everyone else, I neglect my spirit, my internal needs, and become less and less and slip more and more into the hole. So this is where I truly do focus on myself. I work on my affirmations and repeat them religiously. I remain aware of the times I am people pleasing again. This is where I rejoice in not being in a relationship, because I cannot wrap my head around how to be in a nonintimate relationship and dealing with constant rejection. I suppose its a lesson I have to learn one day, but its not one I can navigate in a healthy way right now. So I just get to work on that 5 year old in my soul and gradually mature her without the constant struggle.
The symbol of police "symbolizes structure, rules, power, authority and control. To dream that you are having difficulties contacting the police, suggests that you have yet to acknowledge your own authoritativeness in a situation. You need to take control and be in command of the direction of your life." Um, hello. Perfect, and pretty self explanatory. For my logical mind, everything must have rules, and I constantly struggle with trying to control things. So instead of trying to control everything around me, I need to control MYSELF, a power I do not grant myself willingly.
With the explanation of these symbols, my dream would read like this:
I was in a state of feeling inadequate and worthless, like I did as a child. I felt taken advantage of by E, like he was violating my self-esteem and I resented him for it (even tho I know it was I who gave it up willingly). I was shaking, scared, and running away. I wanted E to comfort and protect me. I sat and waited for my own control of myself and life to show up but I was not willing to.
HELLO. Welcome to the story of the end of my relationship.
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