Im back. And broken. And unhealthy. Again. SURPRISE!
What good would a blog about emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being be without serious unhealthy issues to work thru? So please excuse the uncomfortable language until I find my voice again..
I have been having incredible, vivid, terrifying nightmares. I wake up screaming, shaking and alone. In an effort to explore what these nightmares mean and bring to light the issues my subconscious is dealing with, I would like to analyze them here.
A little back story: the Love of My Life broke off our engagement and moved out last week. He had threatened it several times but always changed his mind. We were in couples therapy as well as individual therapy but things were not going well. I was reaching my limit as well but was committed to working on myself and our relationship. We had just agreed to take a month to work on ourselves and not the relationship when he snapped over something seemingly small. I am still very confused and upset about the entire situation and have been trying to work thru everything that has come up without much success. Basically Ive resorted to sobbing randomly and trying to be as kind to him (now referred to as E) as I can be.
The first nightmare that left me shaking for days was being raped. I was in some sort of a school setting and a stranger shoved their hand up into me and laughed when I freaked out. I was shaking, scared, and running away. I searched for E to comfort and protect me but ended up sitting and waiting on the school steps, surrounded by friends yet still not feeling safe, for the police to show up. This nightmare happened the day after the break up.
I will be using this site's interpretation of my nightmares and the symbols in them.
First of all, the fact that I am having nightmares means that my conscious mind is fighting the realization of truth and the only way to work thru these issues of mine is to present them in my dreams. Second, I believe it is giving me an opportunity to rely on myself to calm down and feel safe after a nightmare. Normally, I call someone and have them tell me I am safe, no matter the hour. I finally resolved to take care of myself, and I didnt calm down immediately, and the images haunted me for days, until I looked up the meanings of the symbols.
So my first nightmare. The big obvious symbol, rape. "To dream that you have been raped, indicates vengeful or resentful feelings toward the opposite sex. You feel that you have been violated or that you have been taken advantage of. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. Things are being forced upon you. Dreams of rape are also common for those who were actually raped in their waking life." The moment I looked up this symbol, I was struck by the fittingness of everything listed. I am going thru a break up, the end of a relationship and family, the end of a life together, the death of a heart. I have been feeling resentful for months towards E, feeling taken advantage of, feeling like I give anything and everything in the world to him only to be walked on instead. I have given him complete power and authority over my self-worth, and he decides (depending on how he is feeling that moment) my entire value. I did not choose this break up. I dont have many choices because I let him decide my day, my plans, which things are important and which are not.
The key is I LET HIM. I gave up every choice, I did not honor my own worth or set the standard for what I deserve. I treated myself like crap, and I stopped taking care of myself around last December. I became dependant, lost, unconscious. THIS IS WHEN OUR ISSUES STARTED. This was the beginning of the end. I have been intellectually realizing this for the last week, trying to wrap my mind around it. But I am forcing all the accountability onto myself and thus still resenting myself and not feeling a change in my heart. I still feel taken advantage of, betrayed, abandoned, and like I have no choice even tho I know the reasons why. Which is exactly why my dreams have become the only place to allow myself to feel those things. I am still getting something out of the low vibration Ive been at. It is scary to really own my power and allow myself to take accountability for my life because all I can see are the mistakes, and mistakes mean I am a bad person, and that means I will never be loved. So many untrue things in that thought process, I can see them, Im working on FEELING them.
The second symbol that really stood out to me was the school setting. "To dream that you are in school, signifies feelings of inadequacy and childhood insecurities that have never been resolved. It may relate to anxieties about your performance and abilities. Alternatively, a dream that takes place in school may be a metaphor for the lessons that you are learning from your waking life.You may be going through a 'spiritual learning' experience." In this particular dream, I believe there is truth in both interpretations. I am definitely on a spiritual learning experience at this point in my life, and I started it even before he left. I want to be the happy person who wrote the amazing articles preceding this one. And I feel inadequate and worthless, which are the two main childhood insecurities I can remember. I feel like a horrible wife, girlfriend, mother, friend, and lover. Especially given the many fights E and I revolving around sex and the rejection of it, I absolutely felt like if I was just more attractive, if I just weighted 30 pounds less, if I was just more loving, if I was just a better mother to our daughter, if I was just better in bed, if I actually turned him on, if I just tried harder or more often or less aggressively or less often, maybe then he would stop rejecting my advances. Maybe he would finally make an advance! I felt like a little girl. Maybe if I just do everything my parents want me to I would get the love I want. Talk about a Freudian fallacy.
So first, I apparently have several issues to resolve in myself regarding my parents, my dad especially, and the approval I always sought to hard to receive. Suck. I thought I had already overcome that one. Intellectually, I know that if I was enough for myself then it wouldnt matter if I was enough for everyone else, and coincidentally that is when I would attract people who would love me as I am. And I know that as I fight to become better for everyone else, I neglect my spirit, my internal needs, and become less and less and slip more and more into the hole. So this is where I truly do focus on myself. I work on my affirmations and repeat them religiously. I remain aware of the times I am people pleasing again. This is where I rejoice in not being in a relationship, because I cannot wrap my head around how to be in a nonintimate relationship and dealing with constant rejection. I suppose its a lesson I have to learn one day, but its not one I can navigate in a healthy way right now. So I just get to work on that 5 year old in my soul and gradually mature her without the constant struggle.
The symbol of police "symbolizes structure, rules, power, authority and control. To dream that you are having difficulties contacting the police, suggests that you have yet to acknowledge your own authoritativeness in a situation. You need to take control and be in command of the direction of your life." Um, hello. Perfect, and pretty self explanatory. For my logical mind, everything must have rules, and I constantly struggle with trying to control things. So instead of trying to control everything around me, I need to control MYSELF, a power I do not grant myself willingly.
With the explanation of these symbols, my dream would read like this:
I was in a state of feeling inadequate and worthless, like I did as a child. I felt taken advantage of by E, like he was violating my self-esteem and I resented him for it (even tho I know it was I who gave it up willingly). I was shaking, scared, and running away. I wanted E to comfort and protect me. I sat and waited for my own control of myself and life to show up but I was not willing to.
HELLO. Welcome to the story of the end of my relationship.
What good would a blog about emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being be without serious unhealthy issues to work thru? So please excuse the uncomfortable language until I find my voice again..
I have been having incredible, vivid, terrifying nightmares. I wake up screaming, shaking and alone. In an effort to explore what these nightmares mean and bring to light the issues my subconscious is dealing with, I would like to analyze them here.
A little back story: the Love of My Life broke off our engagement and moved out last week. He had threatened it several times but always changed his mind. We were in couples therapy as well as individual therapy but things were not going well. I was reaching my limit as well but was committed to working on myself and our relationship. We had just agreed to take a month to work on ourselves and not the relationship when he snapped over something seemingly small. I am still very confused and upset about the entire situation and have been trying to work thru everything that has come up without much success. Basically Ive resorted to sobbing randomly and trying to be as kind to him (now referred to as E) as I can be.
The first nightmare that left me shaking for days was being raped. I was in some sort of a school setting and a stranger shoved their hand up into me and laughed when I freaked out. I was shaking, scared, and running away. I searched for E to comfort and protect me but ended up sitting and waiting on the school steps, surrounded by friends yet still not feeling safe, for the police to show up. This nightmare happened the day after the break up.
I will be using this site's interpretation of my nightmares and the symbols in them.
First of all, the fact that I am having nightmares means that my conscious mind is fighting the realization of truth and the only way to work thru these issues of mine is to present them in my dreams. Second, I believe it is giving me an opportunity to rely on myself to calm down and feel safe after a nightmare. Normally, I call someone and have them tell me I am safe, no matter the hour. I finally resolved to take care of myself, and I didnt calm down immediately, and the images haunted me for days, until I looked up the meanings of the symbols.
So my first nightmare. The big obvious symbol, rape. "To dream that you have been raped, indicates vengeful or resentful feelings toward the opposite sex. You feel that you have been violated or that you have been taken advantage of. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. Things are being forced upon you. Dreams of rape are also common for those who were actually raped in their waking life." The moment I looked up this symbol, I was struck by the fittingness of everything listed. I am going thru a break up, the end of a relationship and family, the end of a life together, the death of a heart. I have been feeling resentful for months towards E, feeling taken advantage of, feeling like I give anything and everything in the world to him only to be walked on instead. I have given him complete power and authority over my self-worth, and he decides (depending on how he is feeling that moment) my entire value. I did not choose this break up. I dont have many choices because I let him decide my day, my plans, which things are important and which are not.
The key is I LET HIM. I gave up every choice, I did not honor my own worth or set the standard for what I deserve. I treated myself like crap, and I stopped taking care of myself around last December. I became dependant, lost, unconscious. THIS IS WHEN OUR ISSUES STARTED. This was the beginning of the end. I have been intellectually realizing this for the last week, trying to wrap my mind around it. But I am forcing all the accountability onto myself and thus still resenting myself and not feeling a change in my heart. I still feel taken advantage of, betrayed, abandoned, and like I have no choice even tho I know the reasons why. Which is exactly why my dreams have become the only place to allow myself to feel those things. I am still getting something out of the low vibration Ive been at. It is scary to really own my power and allow myself to take accountability for my life because all I can see are the mistakes, and mistakes mean I am a bad person, and that means I will never be loved. So many untrue things in that thought process, I can see them, Im working on FEELING them.
The second symbol that really stood out to me was the school setting. "To dream that you are in school, signifies feelings of inadequacy and childhood insecurities that have never been resolved. It may relate to anxieties about your performance and abilities. Alternatively, a dream that takes place in school may be a metaphor for the lessons that you are learning from your waking life.You may be going through a 'spiritual learning' experience." In this particular dream, I believe there is truth in both interpretations. I am definitely on a spiritual learning experience at this point in my life, and I started it even before he left. I want to be the happy person who wrote the amazing articles preceding this one. And I feel inadequate and worthless, which are the two main childhood insecurities I can remember. I feel like a horrible wife, girlfriend, mother, friend, and lover. Especially given the many fights E and I revolving around sex and the rejection of it, I absolutely felt like if I was just more attractive, if I just weighted 30 pounds less, if I was just more loving, if I was just a better mother to our daughter, if I was just better in bed, if I actually turned him on, if I just tried harder or more often or less aggressively or less often, maybe then he would stop rejecting my advances. Maybe he would finally make an advance! I felt like a little girl. Maybe if I just do everything my parents want me to I would get the love I want. Talk about a Freudian fallacy.
So first, I apparently have several issues to resolve in myself regarding my parents, my dad especially, and the approval I always sought to hard to receive. Suck. I thought I had already overcome that one. Intellectually, I know that if I was enough for myself then it wouldnt matter if I was enough for everyone else, and coincidentally that is when I would attract people who would love me as I am. And I know that as I fight to become better for everyone else, I neglect my spirit, my internal needs, and become less and less and slip more and more into the hole. So this is where I truly do focus on myself. I work on my affirmations and repeat them religiously. I remain aware of the times I am people pleasing again. This is where I rejoice in not being in a relationship, because I cannot wrap my head around how to be in a nonintimate relationship and dealing with constant rejection. I suppose its a lesson I have to learn one day, but its not one I can navigate in a healthy way right now. So I just get to work on that 5 year old in my soul and gradually mature her without the constant struggle.
The symbol of police "symbolizes structure, rules, power, authority and control. To dream that you are having difficulties contacting the police, suggests that you have yet to acknowledge your own authoritativeness in a situation. You need to take control and be in command of the direction of your life." Um, hello. Perfect, and pretty self explanatory. For my logical mind, everything must have rules, and I constantly struggle with trying to control things. So instead of trying to control everything around me, I need to control MYSELF, a power I do not grant myself willingly.
With the explanation of these symbols, my dream would read like this:
I was in a state of feeling inadequate and worthless, like I did as a child. I felt taken advantage of by E, like he was violating my self-esteem and I resented him for it (even tho I know it was I who gave it up willingly). I was shaking, scared, and running away. I wanted E to comfort and protect me. I sat and waited for my own control of myself and life to show up but I was not willing to.
HELLO. Welcome to the story of the end of my relationship.
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