Walk, Not Run

The thing about getting what you want.. You have to actually know what you want.

And I dont know what I want.

Ive spent a lot of time thinking and thinking lately about what is healthy for me. I think and read and talk about the things I SHOULD want. I SHOULD want to spend time just on me. I SHOULD want to stay home alone and enjoy my time with out my kids. I SHOULD be happy my shitty relationship is over. But that isnt how I feel. It isnt what I want.

So I meditate. I do yoga and be with my breath. I play my affirmation recording about 6 times before I start to feel like the strong beautiful woman I am. Then I ask myself what I want, and I still feel the many conflicting ideas fight and push each other down and race to be the declaration of what I want.

I want to be happy. I want to feel like ME again. I want to feel powerful and free and loved. I want to feel like the bright, shiny woman from last summer whose writings still inspire me. THAT is ME. That is who I am at my core. I am amazing. I want to feel it. That is the drive to write, to pray, to cry, to read, to dedicate money and time to amazing coaches who remind me of the path to be that woman again. It is my ONLY reason, and I am happy with that. I know that is what I want.

But that is not the only thing I want. I do want a healthy relationship with an amazing man. I do want to marry an incredible partner and conquer the world together. I want someone I can count on to remind me of my amazingness when I slip and fall, who will remember all my good qualities even when I show only the bad, who inspires and pushes me to fly when I feel scared to leave the nest. More specifically, I want the man who I know this is.

So because of all the things I am told about what I SHOULD want, I doubt my reasons for wanting a life with my soulmate. I start thinking that wanting one is unhealthy, that Im being needy. And I certainly go into that needy realm every time I am in a relationship.

The thing is.. I know that the things I want are not inherently bad. They become unhealthy when I NEED them to fulfill me externally. At my core, I do want my soulmate, but not so that I feel worthy of love or to feel like Im enough. I want him to experience another level joy WITH. The fact that I want to give love to another person is truly healthy.

As I transform to a healthy person, the things I want transform to be healthy too.

Yet, I feel terrified of going after what I want. I do not know how to be in a healthy relationship. I do not know how to stay a healthy, whole person while in a relationship. Piece by piece, I start slipping. A tiny little insecurity of mine gets triggered, and I react in a way that activates his insecurity which activates mine again. The degrade can be slow, but eventually it has ALWAYS happened. I have screwed up every relationship I have ever had.

I know that God gives me these specific relationships so that my specific insecurities are triggered. This is how I will learn! This is how I will grow! And hopefully, eventually, I grow out of my insecurities and being called names or being "left" will no longer trigger me. And even if they are triggered, I wont close down and be devastated. I have learned a lot about myself. I have grown up significantly. Yet I still struggle, and possibly will struggle for quite some time.

So why would I want to put someone else thru that? I feel like if I am in a relationship I will be a disease on their life. I am poison. No matter how healthy or hopeful I am in the beginning, I will mess up. And they will be devastated. And they will be hurt. And they will have their insecurities triggered and they will become unhealthy and lose hope too. He, especially, doesnt deserve that.

I realize this is fear talking. I realize I am in the grips of doom and gloom and see only the worst possible outcome.

Shaking off the debate inside of me, stepping into creation and optimism and ME, I do know what I want. I want to be with the man that I love. I want to have my family back. I want to climb mountains with him and give him all the love I possess and lift him up. I want to see him grow and mature and live and BE happy. And I want to do all of this while BEING happy, BEING healthy and whole, BEING ME.

I am working on respecting his decision. I am working on being open to the universe that if I am meant to be with someone, it will work out. I am working on not closing off my mind, demanding that I get the ONE person I want, but opening my mind to all the possibilities. I can have a healthy, happy marriage without it being a specific person. I am working on Letting Go. Im just not there yet.

Which is how I know I still have work to do. I have to get the first thing I want (being me) before I can go after the other things I want. I have to master walking on my own before I can run with someone else. Otherwise I would just run away again.