Period.

I cannot believe the roller coaster I have been thru in the last few weeks. Heartbroken to heart-breaker to needy and desperate to self-fulfilled to defensive and aggressive and back to a sobbing mess, struggling to take my power back and BE the healthy, happy person I am.

And then I start my period 5 days early and it all kind of makes sense. Yes, this will be one of THOSE posts. I know talk about hormones or womanly functions creep out some people, but respectfully, those people need to get over it. Those people are the ones who raise daughters like me that RESENT their womanhood, that reject their feminine beauty, that think being a woman means never being strong. It is a constant struggle every day for me to embrace being a woman. I write for their daughters.

Frankly, I believe the rejection of my femininity is what causes 99% of my hormone imbalances and painful periods. I also believe that it is closely linked to the trouble I have in all my relationships, from family to friends to business.

It makes sense when I consider the Chakras associated with this area. The Sacral Chakra, according to The Chakra Bible, does not contain the specific organs, but rather the "life-sustaining energy behind sexual impulse." Basically, problems in this area signify trouble with the opposite sex: father, brother, boyfriend, husband, etc for women and mother, sister, girlfriend, wife, etc for a man. Also, this Chakra extends to the lower back, which can also signify monetary stress in your life. As I read more and more of Louise L. Hay's Heal Your Body A-Z, the more I realize that the pain I experience during that time of the month (and hormone swings the weeks before and after) are really ME FIGHTING THE WOMANHOOD INSIDE OF ME.

No wonder I struggle with the men in my life and are constantly stressed about money. I have been so confused and at war with what being a woman really means. One part of me has a vision of a woman being a 1950's house mom, cooking and cleaning and never having a definite opinion about anything. I suppose this is supported by the way I felt incapable and insignificant with my father growing up. My decisions and opinions were criticized subtly, and I slowly lost faith in my abilities as I made more and more mistakes. I need to be small, protected, and a big man to be responsible for my happiness. I cry at everything and I would be selfish if I took one moment for myself.

The other part of me sees a "real" woman as an Amazonian warrior. I need to be without a man completely. I need to be strong, never giving in, and heartless. I am stronger than the world and I can never be hurt. To cry means defeat and I can never assign myself to defeat. I must fight. I must look after myself as number one! I am large and in charge, and I must control everything around me! I think this belief came from being the big sister, having to take care of myself while the babies got attention. Be a big girl and go play by yourself. Don't be a baby. Get back up. Never give in to wearing a skirt!

No wonder I feel so torn. Bleeding every month is weakness that must be destroyed, but I desperately want to be wrapped up in Ashton Kutcher's arms as we listen to the period mix he made me. And I hate myself for feeling either of those emotions.

The clincher? The Sacral Chakra is often called "the center of self-expression and joy." It is where creativity and connection come from. Like I said, this is the life-giving energy pulsing thru my womb. Creating in its pures forms. Creating and bringing a literal piece of Heaven to Earth, connecting me to God, connecting to the father of my children, connecting to my past (genes) and my future (my offspring). Life. Energy. In fact, if this Chakra is completely closed no joy may be experienced, and if it is hyperactive frustration and confusion sets in. There is a reason why it is the second Chakra formed, and its power on the quality of your life will astound you.

Now, the Sacral Chakra certainly deals with my monthly hormone surges, but the actual sex organs that make this time possible are located in the Root Chakra. The very first Chakra. This Chakra holds the feelings of balance, stability and peace, as well self-preservation, safety and security. It includes the very base of the spine, and thus can hold the key to energy, movement, and progress. It makes sense why when I am in a stable position in life, my cycle is exactly 28 days and occurs with the moon's phases. If I am unbalanced, I am late or early and my hormones are off the charts batshit crazy spirals. Like now.

What I find REALLY interesting is how this site describes the association of the Root Chakra and Dragons. "Dragon is a symbol for the kundalini fire energy." I happen to have an obsession with Dragons, and only recently did I learn that according to the Chinese Zodiac, I am a Dragon. Not only a Dragon, but an Earth Dragon. The description matches closely the FIRE description in Ayurveda I learned while in school. Fire, or Pitta, dosha people usually are overly logical. Everything has a reason and a path and if I don't see the path, too bad. But it means I think and think and think about a decision before I make it. I do have the tendency to be a hothead and angry but it also means I am passionate about my decisions and talents and life! I love how all of these seem to interconnect and meet in a perfect neutral zone.

I feel like as I exercise my physical body, as I redefine what a woman is (and allow myself to be it!), as I work on creating stability and internal safety in my life, my periods might work themselves out.. I would prefer to avoid medical intervention. In the end, I'm reaching a breaking point to where I cannot work, play or even sit on days like this and I have big changes to make. Period.