This Post Is About Relationships

I am going to an incredible seminar where I thought I would be learning how to find prosperity by mixing spirituality and business. I know it seems like a lot of these posts on this blog are about relationships (and my many failed attempts at them) but that is because I have other outlets for the breakthrus I am realizing in the rest of my life!

So. This post is about Relationships. Get over it.

I was sitting and talking with a man who would love to live his purpose by helping people in their marriages and get paid for it. He told me that no relationship really has to be over (at least that is what I heard..) I quickly jumped to tell him that I SUCK AT RELATIONSHIPS. Most readers here would agree. He told me immediately to stop thinking that way.

I told him I realize that I create what I put out there and Im at the stage right now where I NEED to be accountable and OWN that I really do suck at relationships. I have no idea how to be in a healthy relationship without eventually degrading back into codependancy and desperation. My insecurities seem to take over and I forget how to BE me!

On my drive home, I was thinking about a concept I learned in regards to my body, specifically how I give myself excuses to stay in my Identity as a victim. I realized in the session that I DONT really want to be fit and sexy because then I WOULD GET ATTENTION. I find control in being a victim (Im too fat to be loved, and I cant work out or eat right because I dont have the time or money and I would be neglecting my kids) and use it as a temporary fix for the lack of POWER I own. And then I realized how much I more relaxed during sex I could be if I wasnt so disgusted with my own body. Of course.. I think of him.

I start thinking about our relationship and how much I fucked it all up. How much I suck at relationships. Wait a minute.. there is a link here somewh... LIGHT BULB.

I DONT WANT A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP. I have been getting so much out of being a victim and being "left" by every single man Ive ever known. (Biblically). (You can laugh, Im funny). (Anyway back to the amazing break thrus). I sabotage every relationship because I dont want to be in it. Even when it comes to friendships and business relationships, Im the queen of driving people away. And in driving people away I create proof for myself of why I am worthless and I suck at relationships. I tell myself I dont know how to be in a relationship so I dont have to go looking for a relationship and be hurt again.

Because I have a deep seeded belief that I only realized today: Relationships=Pain. Always. Period. Relationships=Hard. Relationships=Lonliness. Relationships=Vulnerable=Victim which REALLY = I am afraid someone will see my power and I WONT HAVE ANY MORE VICTIM EXCUSES TO HIDE BEHIND!!

So I started investigating where I decided to believe this shit. My very first relationship ideas were formed by watching my parents, so as I go into my very first relationship at the age of 15 I saw my parents, his parents, and ourselves falling into a pattern.. The woman must be submissive, over-controlled, and the relationship must be codependant. And I did a DAMN fine job for a little while filling that role.

For those that know me now, that is quite hard to imagine me being submissive. Well maybe not for those who REALLY know me. But I put on quite a hard-ass face and pretend to be one tough bitch. I may do what you want for a little while, but eventually I push back. Hard. So when I no longer was submissive, I felt disconnect and I thought I failed at my marriage. I failed at my relationship. And I felt completely alone. So I decided that since I am not submissive, cheery, and generally kind and loveable, I must suck at relationships all together. I suck and I attracted a man who would verbally confirm all the way that I suck. A wonderful man whose flaws poured salt into my weaknesses.

You get what you put out there.

I planned to fail. Since Im going to ruin this relationship, Im going to get hurt so Im going to do every trick in the book to avoid feeling any pain when this relationship ends. I withdrew, I blamed, I guilt-tripped, I pushed him away and made it unsafe for him to make mistakes. And when the relationship ended, the pain I caused myself only proved that I am a horrible partner.

So I have realized a couple of actions I get to take to heal this in myself.. First. I get to stop IDENTIFYING myself as sucking at relationships. In this moment, it is all behind me. I want to heal my relationships and create lasting connections and peace. I can realize and be accountable for the way I have shown up in my relationships and own the limiting beliefs I have about them without attaching it to who I am and my worth. That very smart man knew that and tried to share it with me but I rejected it until I came to it on my own. Not the first time I have taken the hard road..

The second thing is that I get to get really frickin' clear on what I want from a relationship, why I want it, and what I offer in a relationship. I want a man who is kind, respectful, loving, strong and beautiful, inside and out. Why I want those things can go to a very unhealthy space at the moment, which is why I dont feel ready for a relationship. As for what I offer.. Im still figuring that out. I have a good idea of who I am and why I am here but all of my gifts and talents remain undiscovered. For tonight.

And if you saw this crazy lady frazzled and jotting down all of these amazing insights in my note pad on my way home, thank you for not flipping me off!