"It's not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the ones most responsive to change."
- Charles Darwin
I have been so caught up by all the well-meaning souls in my life telling me to be strong thru the trials in my life. Like that is the solution to everything. Be strong. Dont let my emotions run away with me. Dont give in to the pain I feel. I cant let my emotions run their course because I have to be strong for my kids.
Like being afraid to show weakness has gotten me ANYWHERE in my life. Yeah, Im sure the people in my life really appreciate it when I run away to cry because I cant show anyone how weak I am.
Im so done with that way of thinking. ITS OK TO BE VULNERABLE. It may take a freight train to make the impact, but one way or another, I am going to get that thru my head. EMOTION IS NATURAL. The fact that I am sensitive and have a loving heart is one of the best things about me. Its who I was created to be! And Im done hiding it.
I dont need to be strong or smart to survive and make the most of my life. I get to flexible, adaptable, and let go of my expectations of how my life should be. These are the curveballs Im being thrown right now, and frankly, I thank my Spirit Father for them. They show the faith and love He has for me. He is probably laughing his ass off watching me try to juggle them, occasionally dropping them, and the pissed off, contorted faces I make as I let my ego try to control them.
Let Go, Let God. That is the key to survival.
January 31, 2010
January 30, 2010
Not For Blushing Eyes
So.. I have some problems with sex. And they scare the shit outta me, and I am very ashamed by them, so I hide them. Ive felt the urge to see a sex therapist on numerous occasions because of my VERY unhealthy relationship with sex. This is a very uncomfortable subject for me, something I have never talked to anyone about in my entire life. I get to stretch, acknowledge these issues and take the first steps in overcoming them. Details will be shared, and this post is definitely NOT for blushing eyes.
Ive talked a little bit about it before, but I used to use sex as a form of Imitation Love. I used it to validate myself, to feel loved and whole. Hell, my first sexual experiences were as a scared 16 yr old girl, seeking love and acceptance from the first boy who said he loved me, as a replacement for the love and acceptance I didnt get from my dad. When I still didnt feel validation, I continued to seek it from several sources. It didnt work. I would feel alone and dirty immediately afterwards. I used men to try and achieve that sense of self-worth, and I only succeeded in confusing us all.
I realized what I was doing, swore to stop and change my life, and that opened the door for me to meet the man of my dreams. I told him about my past, and he comforted me and accepted me. Our sex life was amazing for a while: passionate, intimate, accepting, loving. To this day, I still have an ability to connect with him on a spiritual level when we truly make love. I have never felt that with anyone else, ever. Our bodies are perfectly matched and it amazes me every time the ecstacy I feel just being intimate with him. For a while, the perfection was all there was. And then we had our first fight, and he walked out on me, with me begging him to stay, literally on my knees and naked. I never completely healed from that.
I realized that I was still holding onto that experience. It was recreated a few times and every time, Im in bed, naked, sobbing because he walked out. I called that experience back into my life by holding onto it. I get that many fights were also caused by my secret resentment towards him for it all, and my insecurities about not being enough. Attractive enough, wild enough, sexy enough.
By holding onto that experience, I began to seek validation and love from him thru sex. While I wasnt sleeping around to receive that ego boost, I was using him. Ive been trying to sort thru that issue, but its a never ending spiral of problems. I wouldnt want to have sex because I knew if I did, I would be acting unhealthy and use him. He felt undesirable and insecure because I didnt want sex anymore, and he felt like a pervert for constantly trying and being shot down. And when we did have sex, I was emotionally withdrawn a good handful of times. I wasnt passionate any more.
And here is where it starts getting a little more risque..
I am also very insecure about my body (especially now that Im pregnant!). I have been open about this truth in the hopes that it is the first step in overcoming my negative self-image. I do not FEEL sexy or hot or beautiful. He recently told me that he has been holding onto some resentment because I have hardly ever worn lingerie for him, and he knows I wore lingerie with others. The first time I wore lingerie for him, I spent the night trying to show him, trying to seduce him, and he didnt even notice. I finally gave up. I dont even remember if we had sex that night. I had an expectation of a certain reaction from him, and when I didnt get it, I was disappointed and hurt. Perhaps that first experience of lingerie is a factor to my deterrent to lingerie. But I believe the largest deterrent is that I simply hate my body most days, so why would I even TRY to look sexy? Im terrified (living in fear) that he will take one look and be disgusted, and I am rejected all over again.
I did once take several sexy photos of myself. I planned to do something special with them- a calendar or something for last years Valentine's day. I avoided and procrastinated it over and over and over because every time I look at the photos, all I see are the fat rolls, ugly expressions, and lack of super sexy lingerie (using the excuse that Im too broke for anything other than plain matching panty and bra sets). He knows that there are photos of me that I have not allowed him to see and has been pretty upset that I still hadnt shared them. I was holding out for a special occasion (well, that is the excuse I told him and myself. Really, I am living in fear). And now, if I give him the photos, they dont look anything like me. Im pregnant, my body has forever changed, my face and hair look different, plus, there is the whole being broken-up thing.. Can you say awkward??
When we reconciled in November, we agreed to let the past be the past about everything. While neither of us had abided by this fully, I still believe it to be true. My ego mind has been going over the last few months and saying, "Seriously?? You are upset because I havent worn lingerie while IM PREGNANT?? HAVE YOU EVER FOUND ANY PREGNANCY LINGERIE???" But I know that I still didnt show interest in lingerie, even when we were looking together for post-baby things.
And even more risque..
I do believe that pregnancy has played a part in my ultra-low sex drive over the last 7 months. Researchers for over 25 years have been proving a correlation between hormones and sex-drive. The more testosterone in a system, male or female, the higher the sex drive. The more estrogen flowing thru my veins, the lower my sex drive. My baby living inside my womb is also producing excess estrogen that is flowing back into my body, and I am on female hormone overload. Hence the increased emotional reactions. Hence the increase irrational mood swings. Have I mentioned that second trimester is also when the sex organs and hormones are mostly developed for babies? No wonder everyone knew it was a girl (based upon my hormonal tendacies) before the ultrasound confirmed it!
I have felt incomplete, not good enough, for months, remembering what it was like to be pregnant with my son. I told The Love of My Life, when we were trying to conceive, how sex crazed I was thru my whole first pregnancy. How much MORE it increased in the second trimester. I was obsessed with sex the first time, and given my already low libido lately, I greatly welcomed that surge of sexual passion. Only it never came. And both he and I were absolutely expecting it, and absolutely let down when it never showed up. Now I realize DUH! I had a boy with testosterone in my womb before! I feel like Im not really a woman because I dont get turned on seeing a Greek statue this time. I cant give him the pouncing lioness I promised him, and I feel unworthy of love or acceptance because of it.
Finding out that it is completely natural and normal to have a lack of sex drive when expecting a baby girl has assisted these feelings to some degree. I felt validated, like its not my fault. I still feel like its not accepted tho, by me or anyone else. But it started getting me wondering, questioning, what effect hormones have played in my lack of sex drive in the 3 years prior to conceiving this new wonder.
At the same time, I received a twitter notifying me that a new post was available by a spunky and amazing mommy-blogger I enjoy. (THANK YOU UNIVERSE FOR PERFECT TIMING!) Girls Gone Child's Rebecca Woolf has been a blessing in my life, sharing personal and intimate details of her own life and sex drive. She has discovered that the hormones in her IUD birth control are the culprit behind the disappearance of her libido and therefore, a cause of contention in her marriage. A hundred-something other women confirmed via comments the same thing happened in their lives. Yeah, that "minimal" amount of hormones leaking into your blood stream are secret sex-killing ninjas.
So.. I did more research.
Apparently, libido loss is a well documented side effect of birth control I was never aware of. And I was an avid reader of the little pamphlets that came in my boxes of pills every month. Depression, weight gain, blood clots, those I was aware of as side effects. "Sex drive butcher" was not listed any where. There are hundreds of sites that discuss it, but this one says it best for me. Essentially, it is the same thing as before: birth control puts extra estrogen and progesterone in your system and inhibits the body from producing or receiving testosterone, which is the libido hormone! No freaking wonder I havent even really had the urge to masterbate like I used to. The effects only increase in the long term.
Why didnt my sex drive increase, then, in those months between going off of the pill and before conceiving? The same damn reason why I produced cysts and possibly endometriosis those months! My body was so used to being on the pill that it stopped naturally producing hormones itself. When I removed those artificial hormones, my body went into panic mode and wasnt able to regulate itself. TA-DAH! Cysts. Pain. ER visit. My hormones were out of whack again and I had no sex drive. That is all in addition to the excruciating pain I had with just another body part being squished into my cyst-filled abdomen.
There is nothing I can do about the hormonal imbalance while I am still expecting. Pain during sex seemed to have diminished as I reached the third trimester, and new positioning seemed promising before the break up. But I know that the largest piece to solving the sexual dysfunction puzzle is letting go of my past baggage with sex.
I havent truly forgiven myself for the ways that I used sex to make myself feel better, both with multiple partners and with The Love of My Life. I dont feel worthy of forgiveness. And I have held onto the negative experiences and rejection I have felt in connection to intimacy before. But I tend to focus only on this portion of my baggage and ignore the neon flashing signs in my other garbage bags.
I feel like I am not woman enough for not having a sex drive. This thought scares the living shit out of me and I have hidden from it for 4 years. And its time I face this fear, this insecurity. Its time I recognize my lost libido and stop avoiding it. As scary as it is, I am admitting it, I have a low sex drive. Its time to stop letting this huge baggage follow me around. Its time to let go. And with that release, I can finally take steps in recovering my sexual prowess.
I know I should have shared all of this with him. I am so sorry that I didnt. So so so sorry. In all honesty, I didnt know where to begin or how to talk to him about it because I was avoiding it myself. I didnt want to look at the problems I have, I glossed over them and ignored them, and I know that he was deeply hurt in the process. My heart goes out to him and prays that he can forgive me.
Ive talked a little bit about it before, but I used to use sex as a form of Imitation Love. I used it to validate myself, to feel loved and whole. Hell, my first sexual experiences were as a scared 16 yr old girl, seeking love and acceptance from the first boy who said he loved me, as a replacement for the love and acceptance I didnt get from my dad. When I still didnt feel validation, I continued to seek it from several sources. It didnt work. I would feel alone and dirty immediately afterwards. I used men to try and achieve that sense of self-worth, and I only succeeded in confusing us all.
I realized what I was doing, swore to stop and change my life, and that opened the door for me to meet the man of my dreams. I told him about my past, and he comforted me and accepted me. Our sex life was amazing for a while: passionate, intimate, accepting, loving. To this day, I still have an ability to connect with him on a spiritual level when we truly make love. I have never felt that with anyone else, ever. Our bodies are perfectly matched and it amazes me every time the ecstacy I feel just being intimate with him. For a while, the perfection was all there was. And then we had our first fight, and he walked out on me, with me begging him to stay, literally on my knees and naked. I never completely healed from that.
I realized that I was still holding onto that experience. It was recreated a few times and every time, Im in bed, naked, sobbing because he walked out. I called that experience back into my life by holding onto it. I get that many fights were also caused by my secret resentment towards him for it all, and my insecurities about not being enough. Attractive enough, wild enough, sexy enough.
By holding onto that experience, I began to seek validation and love from him thru sex. While I wasnt sleeping around to receive that ego boost, I was using him. Ive been trying to sort thru that issue, but its a never ending spiral of problems. I wouldnt want to have sex because I knew if I did, I would be acting unhealthy and use him. He felt undesirable and insecure because I didnt want sex anymore, and he felt like a pervert for constantly trying and being shot down. And when we did have sex, I was emotionally withdrawn a good handful of times. I wasnt passionate any more.
And here is where it starts getting a little more risque..
I am also very insecure about my body (especially now that Im pregnant!). I have been open about this truth in the hopes that it is the first step in overcoming my negative self-image. I do not FEEL sexy or hot or beautiful. He recently told me that he has been holding onto some resentment because I have hardly ever worn lingerie for him, and he knows I wore lingerie with others. The first time I wore lingerie for him, I spent the night trying to show him, trying to seduce him, and he didnt even notice. I finally gave up. I dont even remember if we had sex that night. I had an expectation of a certain reaction from him, and when I didnt get it, I was disappointed and hurt. Perhaps that first experience of lingerie is a factor to my deterrent to lingerie. But I believe the largest deterrent is that I simply hate my body most days, so why would I even TRY to look sexy? Im terrified (living in fear) that he will take one look and be disgusted, and I am rejected all over again.
I did once take several sexy photos of myself. I planned to do something special with them- a calendar or something for last years Valentine's day. I avoided and procrastinated it over and over and over because every time I look at the photos, all I see are the fat rolls, ugly expressions, and lack of super sexy lingerie (using the excuse that Im too broke for anything other than plain matching panty and bra sets). He knows that there are photos of me that I have not allowed him to see and has been pretty upset that I still hadnt shared them. I was holding out for a special occasion (well, that is the excuse I told him and myself. Really, I am living in fear). And now, if I give him the photos, they dont look anything like me. Im pregnant, my body has forever changed, my face and hair look different, plus, there is the whole being broken-up thing.. Can you say awkward??
When we reconciled in November, we agreed to let the past be the past about everything. While neither of us had abided by this fully, I still believe it to be true. My ego mind has been going over the last few months and saying, "Seriously?? You are upset because I havent worn lingerie while IM PREGNANT?? HAVE YOU EVER FOUND ANY PREGNANCY LINGERIE???" But I know that I still didnt show interest in lingerie, even when we were looking together for post-baby things.
And even more risque..
I do believe that pregnancy has played a part in my ultra-low sex drive over the last 7 months. Researchers for over 25 years have been proving a correlation between hormones and sex-drive. The more testosterone in a system, male or female, the higher the sex drive. The more estrogen flowing thru my veins, the lower my sex drive. My baby living inside my womb is also producing excess estrogen that is flowing back into my body, and I am on female hormone overload. Hence the increased emotional reactions. Hence the increase irrational mood swings. Have I mentioned that second trimester is also when the sex organs and hormones are mostly developed for babies? No wonder everyone knew it was a girl (based upon my hormonal tendacies) before the ultrasound confirmed it!
I have felt incomplete, not good enough, for months, remembering what it was like to be pregnant with my son. I told The Love of My Life, when we were trying to conceive, how sex crazed I was thru my whole first pregnancy. How much MORE it increased in the second trimester. I was obsessed with sex the first time, and given my already low libido lately, I greatly welcomed that surge of sexual passion. Only it never came. And both he and I were absolutely expecting it, and absolutely let down when it never showed up. Now I realize DUH! I had a boy with testosterone in my womb before! I feel like Im not really a woman because I dont get turned on seeing a Greek statue this time. I cant give him the pouncing lioness I promised him, and I feel unworthy of love or acceptance because of it.
Finding out that it is completely natural and normal to have a lack of sex drive when expecting a baby girl has assisted these feelings to some degree. I felt validated, like its not my fault. I still feel like its not accepted tho, by me or anyone else. But it started getting me wondering, questioning, what effect hormones have played in my lack of sex drive in the 3 years prior to conceiving this new wonder.
At the same time, I received a twitter notifying me that a new post was available by a spunky and amazing mommy-blogger I enjoy. (THANK YOU UNIVERSE FOR PERFECT TIMING!) Girls Gone Child's Rebecca Woolf has been a blessing in my life, sharing personal and intimate details of her own life and sex drive. She has discovered that the hormones in her IUD birth control are the culprit behind the disappearance of her libido and therefore, a cause of contention in her marriage. A hundred-something other women confirmed via comments the same thing happened in their lives. Yeah, that "minimal" amount of hormones leaking into your blood stream are secret sex-killing ninjas.
So.. I did more research.
Apparently, libido loss is a well documented side effect of birth control I was never aware of. And I was an avid reader of the little pamphlets that came in my boxes of pills every month. Depression, weight gain, blood clots, those I was aware of as side effects. "Sex drive butcher" was not listed any where. There are hundreds of sites that discuss it, but this one says it best for me. Essentially, it is the same thing as before: birth control puts extra estrogen and progesterone in your system and inhibits the body from producing or receiving testosterone, which is the libido hormone! No freaking wonder I havent even really had the urge to masterbate like I used to. The effects only increase in the long term.
Why didnt my sex drive increase, then, in those months between going off of the pill and before conceiving? The same damn reason why I produced cysts and possibly endometriosis those months! My body was so used to being on the pill that it stopped naturally producing hormones itself. When I removed those artificial hormones, my body went into panic mode and wasnt able to regulate itself. TA-DAH! Cysts. Pain. ER visit. My hormones were out of whack again and I had no sex drive. That is all in addition to the excruciating pain I had with just another body part being squished into my cyst-filled abdomen.
There is nothing I can do about the hormonal imbalance while I am still expecting. Pain during sex seemed to have diminished as I reached the third trimester, and new positioning seemed promising before the break up. But I know that the largest piece to solving the sexual dysfunction puzzle is letting go of my past baggage with sex.
I havent truly forgiven myself for the ways that I used sex to make myself feel better, both with multiple partners and with The Love of My Life. I dont feel worthy of forgiveness. And I have held onto the negative experiences and rejection I have felt in connection to intimacy before. But I tend to focus only on this portion of my baggage and ignore the neon flashing signs in my other garbage bags.
I feel like I am not woman enough for not having a sex drive. This thought scares the living shit out of me and I have hidden from it for 4 years. And its time I face this fear, this insecurity. Its time I recognize my lost libido and stop avoiding it. As scary as it is, I am admitting it, I have a low sex drive. Its time to stop letting this huge baggage follow me around. Its time to let go. And with that release, I can finally take steps in recovering my sexual prowess.
I know I should have shared all of this with him. I am so sorry that I didnt. So so so sorry. In all honesty, I didnt know where to begin or how to talk to him about it because I was avoiding it myself. I didnt want to look at the problems I have, I glossed over them and ignored them, and I know that he was deeply hurt in the process. My heart goes out to him and prays that he can forgive me.
Lucky You
It astounds me how quickly I adapt to a relationship-style life. I feel so awkward every time Im single again. I spent my Friday and Saturday nights like a hermit. I recouped from being at school/work all day, napped, cuddled with my amazing Bug to Disney movies, and did laundry. I timed contractions and researched what I could do about this blasted cold while pregnant! Ive been journaling and reading and thinking after Bug falls asleep and before I drift off again myself. Full nights, and I pass out soundly well before the bars close.
Life is so much more fast paced while in a relationship. Its constantly, What should we do? Lets play a game! Lets see our friends! Lets runs some errands! While single, Im exhausted just from taking care of dinner and the kids by myself. Being in a relationship where those duties are shared opens up so much more play time for me.
Im not trying to complain. These are just observations of the trends in my life.
Altho, I would be lying if I said I dont feel a tinge of jealousy at the freedom he is experiencing right now. They all become HIS friends again, and I get to hear about all the fun they had together. He still gets to go do all the things we used to do together. And my normal hang-out companions are all hanging out without me, and not missing me.
Ugh. That is probably another victim story for me. I see that; it screams poor poor pitiful me. But its how I feel, and Im sad and lonely. I crave adult interaction that isnt focused on "Guess who was talking behind so-and-so's back today."
Im happy for him that he has such great friends and family to fill his life. Im glad that my daughter will get to have interaction with these amazing people. Im grateful for the time I have spent with them all for they have each truly touched my life.
And I deserve to just make the most of this time to myself. I have been able to uncover some truths about myself that I have been hiding with this time. They will be posted on here soon, when I take the time to type them all up. I have been jotting down notes BY HAND. ON ACTUAL PAPER. Miraculous, I know.
And I have been carrying that notebook around with me and writing in it whenever the inspiration flows-between appointments at school, while driving, right before falling asleep. Altho, tonight it is in the car still. I was falling asleep as I pulled into the driveway and meant to go back out to get it. And I would have, if it werent for sheer laziness for one, and now Im using my nightie and the cold air as an excuse to stay in bed and blog instead. Lucky you, reader.
Life is so much more fast paced while in a relationship. Its constantly, What should we do? Lets play a game! Lets see our friends! Lets runs some errands! While single, Im exhausted just from taking care of dinner and the kids by myself. Being in a relationship where those duties are shared opens up so much more play time for me.
Im not trying to complain. These are just observations of the trends in my life.
Altho, I would be lying if I said I dont feel a tinge of jealousy at the freedom he is experiencing right now. They all become HIS friends again, and I get to hear about all the fun they had together. He still gets to go do all the things we used to do together. And my normal hang-out companions are all hanging out without me, and not missing me.
Ugh. That is probably another victim story for me. I see that; it screams poor poor pitiful me. But its how I feel, and Im sad and lonely. I crave adult interaction that isnt focused on "Guess who was talking behind so-and-so's back today."
Im happy for him that he has such great friends and family to fill his life. Im glad that my daughter will get to have interaction with these amazing people. Im grateful for the time I have spent with them all for they have each truly touched my life.
And I deserve to just make the most of this time to myself. I have been able to uncover some truths about myself that I have been hiding with this time. They will be posted on here soon, when I take the time to type them all up. I have been jotting down notes BY HAND. ON ACTUAL PAPER. Miraculous, I know.
And I have been carrying that notebook around with me and writing in it whenever the inspiration flows-between appointments at school, while driving, right before falling asleep. Altho, tonight it is in the car still. I was falling asleep as I pulled into the driveway and meant to go back out to get it. And I would have, if it werent for sheer laziness for one, and now Im using my nightie and the cold air as an excuse to stay in bed and blog instead. Lucky you, reader.
January 26, 2010
When You Find You
Its amazing the things the universe provides when I am open to them..
Ive been struggling to find the balance between respecting his choice to leave and trusting all that is inside of me that says we are meant to be together. He swears that he will never be with me again. I swear there is no one else for me. I love HIM, and all that is him. I love that he yells at random people on the road. I love that he turns a shade of pink when I embarrass him. I love the face he makes when he is angry and trying not to cry. I love the quirks and flaws in him, its what endears him to me. I can relate to him on such a deep level. And maybe I am a masochist, but on some level, I love that he runs away when he gets scared.
I know he is scared. Terrified that if we are together it will all be bad times, terrified that we will never make it to the top of that mountain. It is his ego convincing him of all these things, when in his heart, deep down, he knows they arent true. Just as I have lost sight of my goals and progress, he has lost his sense of self, and he blames me for it.
He wants to go on his journey alone, afraid that if we walk side by side as partners, we will get lost in the jungle. I totally understand his fears, Ive had them myself. But I have remembered to not live in fear and to TRUST in love. I have the power to create an amazing future with this man by my side.
But its not fair to either one of us to continue holding on to him. I will never convince his ego of the possibilities the universe has to offer! I will never convince his ego the power that he holds to CREATE. And his ego is all that I am speaking to-he isnt listening to me with his heart, and Im wasting my breath.
So I no longer will try to convince him. He gets to make his own decisions, even if I know they are mistakes. I dont get to be his mommy and be concerned with his growth, because in doing so, I dont focus on my growth. It sucks hairy old man toes that he uses these excuses to end our relationship, but that is his choice. And when he is ready to choose different, I will still love him the same as I always have. I will be working on me no matter what, because Im worth it.
Just as I decided this, driving to drop off his things in fact, a song I have never heard came thru the car speakers. It is beautiful, perfect, and instantly brought me to tears.
Come Back To Me by David Cook
Ive been struggling to find the balance between respecting his choice to leave and trusting all that is inside of me that says we are meant to be together. He swears that he will never be with me again. I swear there is no one else for me. I love HIM, and all that is him. I love that he yells at random people on the road. I love that he turns a shade of pink when I embarrass him. I love the face he makes when he is angry and trying not to cry. I love the quirks and flaws in him, its what endears him to me. I can relate to him on such a deep level. And maybe I am a masochist, but on some level, I love that he runs away when he gets scared.
I know he is scared. Terrified that if we are together it will all be bad times, terrified that we will never make it to the top of that mountain. It is his ego convincing him of all these things, when in his heart, deep down, he knows they arent true. Just as I have lost sight of my goals and progress, he has lost his sense of self, and he blames me for it.
He wants to go on his journey alone, afraid that if we walk side by side as partners, we will get lost in the jungle. I totally understand his fears, Ive had them myself. But I have remembered to not live in fear and to TRUST in love. I have the power to create an amazing future with this man by my side.
But its not fair to either one of us to continue holding on to him. I will never convince his ego of the possibilities the universe has to offer! I will never convince his ego the power that he holds to CREATE. And his ego is all that I am speaking to-he isnt listening to me with his heart, and Im wasting my breath.
So I no longer will try to convince him. He gets to make his own decisions, even if I know they are mistakes. I dont get to be his mommy and be concerned with his growth, because in doing so, I dont focus on my growth. It sucks hairy old man toes that he uses these excuses to end our relationship, but that is his choice. And when he is ready to choose different, I will still love him the same as I always have. I will be working on me no matter what, because Im worth it.
Just as I decided this, driving to drop off his things in fact, a song I have never heard came thru the car speakers. It is beautiful, perfect, and instantly brought me to tears.
Come Back To Me by David Cook
January 25, 2010
My Aversion to Alcohol
I had a few HUGE realizations a few days ago. I have already realized what I was doing, committed to being more conscious, committed to let go of the past, taking time to check myself before reacting to make sure Im not still making those same mistakes, and have apologized for what I was doing. I am very happy with the progress I made on these issues, and so I didnt feel the need to journal about them. But I deserve to document these breakthrus and mistakes I made so that I can continue learning from them. I dont ever want to slip back into those UNHEALTHY habits.
I have had a huge aversion to alcohol, unfairly so. I hate the smell of alcohol reeking off of someone, particularly the man I love. I wanted to control the drinking that he did, especially with a past of alcohol abuse. I didnt trust him to be responsible in regards to drinking. I convinced myself it was my right, my duty to prevent him from drinking, for his own spiritual health. I played mommy, and he resented me for it. I had the best of intentions and told myself that I was doing the right thing, and that he was WRONG for not listening to me and doing what I wanted. I was scared of how he would act while drinking alcohol. I felt abandoned every time he drank, even if I was right there with him. It only worsened things that I cannot drink with him due to the life growing in me. I had no idea that I was living in fear and causing these issues between us involving alcohol. All I knew was that I had a huge aversion to alcohol.
While him and I had some negative experiences together where alcohol was involved, I was not allowing the past to be the past. I only realized this after I went seeking assistance in talking thru some issues I was having. Basically, I wanted an outside check if I operating in my ego, or in my heart and mind. I was told by a very wise soul that I am not trusting him to do the right thing, and either I trust him, or I am in the wrong relationship. I love that she phrased it that way-so blunt and it made perfect sense to me.
I know that it is MY choice and MY choice alone whether I trust others. It can only come from within, and if I try blaming others for my lack of trust in them, I am not being accountable or OWNING my power. I give up my stick. I know this, so it is a no-brainer as to the solution. I CHOOSE to trust him. I CHOOSE to trust love. I CHOOSE to trust the universe! I dont have to control everything.
I also know that I am not in the wrong relationship. I consider that option, but quickly can dismiss it because my heart KNOWS it is not the wrong relationship. I feel it with every fiber of my being, that him and I are meant. Because I know that Im not in the wrong relationship, I know that the other choice has to be true. So even when my ego is screaming and kicking and fighting, saying "I trust him as much as I can! He violated my trust! I dont have to trust him on this issue! I KNOW BEST!" I can thank my ego for sharing, and kindly tell it to shut the hell up-because I know the truth. It is either one or the other. I either trust him or shouldnt be with him. The second option isnt true, so I must change and make the first one true. I must CHOOSE to trust him!
Another amazing aspect of my growth: I didnt just let this be. I resolved that this would not happen again. In order for that to happen, I did some deep reflection into WHY exactly it was alcohol that I had an issue with. And as soon as I was open to receiving that insight, it hit me squarely in my chest. I am the one with the bad history with alcohol. I never abused it myself, but I have seen many people in my life abuse it.
I grew up seeing my uncles and aunts get shit-faced and do really stupid things. I saw them stuff their problems and emotions down with fifths of tequila. Kids arent as dumb as we think they are, and this kid picked up on a whole lot of underlying pain and unhealthiness associated with alcohol.
Then I got married. And then he turned 21. My Ex, Bug's dad, celebrated his independence from his parents by rebeling with alcohol. I couldnt drink with him because I had an infant to take care of still. We went to Vegas for his 21st birthday, and I stayed with the kid, checking out the sights and displays while my Ex drank and gambled. I didnt even taste alcohol for a long time because I knew one of us had to be sober for Bug. I wasnt just a Dedicated Driver, I was a Dedicated Parent. I secretly resented him for this, even tho I told him it was ok.
Soon, our fights increased in both intensity and frequency, and so did his alcohol consumption. The strange part is that his violent nature with me was not really linked to drinking as one would suspect. He was less violent when he was drinking. He was violent because he felt out of control and alcohol prevented that. I can see now that he was using alcohol to stuff his fears and emotions when feeling out of control. Who can blame him for choosing to cope with alcohol? I was a royal, manipulative Bitch, and I dont use that term lightly. I truly made his life hell as I spiraled out of control seeking validation and love and acceptance. Neither of us had any tools for realizing what was going on and loving ourselves-we werent ever taught any. Of course our marriage ended. We were both drowning and were grabbing each other to get our heads above water but only managed to drag each other deeper and deeper. This is the secret to marriage that no one ever talks about.
I saw my Ex abuse alcohol to stuff his pain on a daily basis. It finally got to a point where it was putting my health and the health of my son at risk, and I finally gave my Ex what he asked for: I left. I gave up on the marriage and moved out one night while he was at the bar.
I saw everyone avoiding pain with alcohol. Its all I had ever known. And many people proved me right about it! They truly were avoiding. So the man that I love so deeply, the man so close to me, when he drank, it scared the living shit out of me. Not only was I holding him in his past abuse of alcohol, I was holding him in my Ex's past abuse of alcohol. THAT is why I felt abandoned every time The Love of My Life drank, because I had felt abandoned in favor of alcohol before. In conjunction of operating in FEAR, THAT is why I got frantic and tried to control the situation.
I also stuffed these memories of alcohol deep, deep down so that I would not remember them. No wonder I hadnt made the correlation of what I was doing earlier. I hadnt thought about them consciously in years. Obviously they were still at work on a subconscious level.
It was absolutely wrong of me to live in fear and hold him in the past, especially in my past! I am so very grateful to have received this insight. I am so very grateful for the work I have done and will continue to do on this. It pains me that I caused him pain from living in my past. My heart breaks at that thought. But I am absolutely committed to be aware of what I was doing and evaluate myself to make sure Im not still doing it. I am committed to operate in love and faith and trust instead of fear.
I have had a huge aversion to alcohol, unfairly so. I hate the smell of alcohol reeking off of someone, particularly the man I love. I wanted to control the drinking that he did, especially with a past of alcohol abuse. I didnt trust him to be responsible in regards to drinking. I convinced myself it was my right, my duty to prevent him from drinking, for his own spiritual health. I played mommy, and he resented me for it. I had the best of intentions and told myself that I was doing the right thing, and that he was WRONG for not listening to me and doing what I wanted. I was scared of how he would act while drinking alcohol. I felt abandoned every time he drank, even if I was right there with him. It only worsened things that I cannot drink with him due to the life growing in me. I had no idea that I was living in fear and causing these issues between us involving alcohol. All I knew was that I had a huge aversion to alcohol.
While him and I had some negative experiences together where alcohol was involved, I was not allowing the past to be the past. I only realized this after I went seeking assistance in talking thru some issues I was having. Basically, I wanted an outside check if I operating in my ego, or in my heart and mind. I was told by a very wise soul that I am not trusting him to do the right thing, and either I trust him, or I am in the wrong relationship. I love that she phrased it that way-so blunt and it made perfect sense to me.
I know that it is MY choice and MY choice alone whether I trust others. It can only come from within, and if I try blaming others for my lack of trust in them, I am not being accountable or OWNING my power. I give up my stick. I know this, so it is a no-brainer as to the solution. I CHOOSE to trust him. I CHOOSE to trust love. I CHOOSE to trust the universe! I dont have to control everything.
I also know that I am not in the wrong relationship. I consider that option, but quickly can dismiss it because my heart KNOWS it is not the wrong relationship. I feel it with every fiber of my being, that him and I are meant. Because I know that Im not in the wrong relationship, I know that the other choice has to be true. So even when my ego is screaming and kicking and fighting, saying "I trust him as much as I can! He violated my trust! I dont have to trust him on this issue! I KNOW BEST!" I can thank my ego for sharing, and kindly tell it to shut the hell up-because I know the truth. It is either one or the other. I either trust him or shouldnt be with him. The second option isnt true, so I must change and make the first one true. I must CHOOSE to trust him!
Another amazing aspect of my growth: I didnt just let this be. I resolved that this would not happen again. In order for that to happen, I did some deep reflection into WHY exactly it was alcohol that I had an issue with. And as soon as I was open to receiving that insight, it hit me squarely in my chest. I am the one with the bad history with alcohol. I never abused it myself, but I have seen many people in my life abuse it.
I grew up seeing my uncles and aunts get shit-faced and do really stupid things. I saw them stuff their problems and emotions down with fifths of tequila. Kids arent as dumb as we think they are, and this kid picked up on a whole lot of underlying pain and unhealthiness associated with alcohol.
Then I got married. And then he turned 21. My Ex, Bug's dad, celebrated his independence from his parents by rebeling with alcohol. I couldnt drink with him because I had an infant to take care of still. We went to Vegas for his 21st birthday, and I stayed with the kid, checking out the sights and displays while my Ex drank and gambled. I didnt even taste alcohol for a long time because I knew one of us had to be sober for Bug. I wasnt just a Dedicated Driver, I was a Dedicated Parent. I secretly resented him for this, even tho I told him it was ok.
Soon, our fights increased in both intensity and frequency, and so did his alcohol consumption. The strange part is that his violent nature with me was not really linked to drinking as one would suspect. He was less violent when he was drinking. He was violent because he felt out of control and alcohol prevented that. I can see now that he was using alcohol to stuff his fears and emotions when feeling out of control. Who can blame him for choosing to cope with alcohol? I was a royal, manipulative Bitch, and I dont use that term lightly. I truly made his life hell as I spiraled out of control seeking validation and love and acceptance. Neither of us had any tools for realizing what was going on and loving ourselves-we werent ever taught any. Of course our marriage ended. We were both drowning and were grabbing each other to get our heads above water but only managed to drag each other deeper and deeper. This is the secret to marriage that no one ever talks about.
I saw my Ex abuse alcohol to stuff his pain on a daily basis. It finally got to a point where it was putting my health and the health of my son at risk, and I finally gave my Ex what he asked for: I left. I gave up on the marriage and moved out one night while he was at the bar.
I saw everyone avoiding pain with alcohol. Its all I had ever known. And many people proved me right about it! They truly were avoiding. So the man that I love so deeply, the man so close to me, when he drank, it scared the living shit out of me. Not only was I holding him in his past abuse of alcohol, I was holding him in my Ex's past abuse of alcohol. THAT is why I felt abandoned every time The Love of My Life drank, because I had felt abandoned in favor of alcohol before. In conjunction of operating in FEAR, THAT is why I got frantic and tried to control the situation.
I also stuffed these memories of alcohol deep, deep down so that I would not remember them. No wonder I hadnt made the correlation of what I was doing earlier. I hadnt thought about them consciously in years. Obviously they were still at work on a subconscious level.
It was absolutely wrong of me to live in fear and hold him in the past, especially in my past! I am so very grateful to have received this insight. I am so very grateful for the work I have done and will continue to do on this. It pains me that I caused him pain from living in my past. My heart breaks at that thought. But I am absolutely committed to be aware of what I was doing and evaluate myself to make sure Im not still doing it. I am committed to operate in love and faith and trust instead of fear.
Blissful Sleep
I have been sleeping horribly. And every time I do dream, it is about him, but I have no clue what the dreams mean. I dont know if it is my Baby Girl keeping me awake or if I am keeping her awake, but she moves and moves and moves. Maybe it is normal pregnancy things keeping me awake, maybe it is the loss I feel not being next to him, and maybe it is just my anxiety levels overcoming me.
So perfectly, of course, Im on a new random website today and there is an article about how to encourage blissful sleep. Here are some things I am going to work on:
So perfectly, of course, Im on a new random website today and there is an article about how to encourage blissful sleep. Here are some things I am going to work on:
- Walk after dinner
- Actually eating dinner
- Warm bath with chamomile milk and lavender essential oils-when done, let the water run out while I am still sitting there, and allow my anxiety and negative feelings go down the drain with the water.
- If my mind is going, WRITE IT OUT. That way my mind is assured that I wont forget things-they are just waiting for tomorrow, and I can rest.
- Pray
- Have a talk with my daughter's spirit
- Practice meditation-perfect since I need to practice every day to prepare myself for natural childbirth
- Repeat affirmations from the morning
- CALM breathing exercise
January 24, 2010
The Definition of True Love
Love like I have experienced is such a rare thing in this world. There is so much hate and destruction surrounding us every single day. The absolute BEAUTY that comes from such true and deep love keeps the world from become bleak and withered. The love that we have for each other is something only poets and Gods can imagine. I love him so fully that my heart instantly forgives and understands him. My ego may distract me from this truth, but truth it remains.
And I know that he loves me. He has shown that to me, daily. I have allowed myself to trust in that love, for the first time in my life. For the first time, I can honestly say that I trust in love. The times I slip into fear, I remember what FEAR stands for and choose to trust in love. I know he loves me the way I love him. I can feel it pulsating between us when I look in his eyes.
I dont know how to accept that love as gone. I dont know how to accept that it is over. Our love makes the world better, and the world deserves for us to cherish and blossom our love. I dont know how to let go of that little peice of perfection.
And perfection it is. We do have a perfect love for each other-it just gets hidden sometimes. It gets covered in dust and dirt and grime and greed and FEAR! But it still remains, perfect and beautiful.
We were both living with some expectations and fears. This was another thing that I was constantly checking myself for. Every time I was disappointed, I knew that it was a sign that I had expectations that werent being met. Proof, yet again, of how expectations are poison to Love. I also operated in fear instead of trust quite a few times. Im on my journey, on my ups and downs, and Im realizing again all the mistakes I didnt know I was making on my down part. We both took our love for granted and covered it with past, present and future garbage.
Yet its still there. It will always be there. I learned last time that he will never stop being the Love of My Life. There is no other. I know it with everything I AM. I dont think Ill ever be able to forget that, and let go of TRUE LOVE.
And I know that he loves me. He has shown that to me, daily. I have allowed myself to trust in that love, for the first time in my life. For the first time, I can honestly say that I trust in love. The times I slip into fear, I remember what FEAR stands for and choose to trust in love. I know he loves me the way I love him. I can feel it pulsating between us when I look in his eyes.
I dont know how to accept that love as gone. I dont know how to accept that it is over. Our love makes the world better, and the world deserves for us to cherish and blossom our love. I dont know how to let go of that little peice of perfection.
And perfection it is. We do have a perfect love for each other-it just gets hidden sometimes. It gets covered in dust and dirt and grime and greed and FEAR! But it still remains, perfect and beautiful.
We were both living with some expectations and fears. This was another thing that I was constantly checking myself for. Every time I was disappointed, I knew that it was a sign that I had expectations that werent being met. Proof, yet again, of how expectations are poison to Love. I also operated in fear instead of trust quite a few times. Im on my journey, on my ups and downs, and Im realizing again all the mistakes I didnt know I was making on my down part. We both took our love for granted and covered it with past, present and future garbage.
Yet its still there. It will always be there. I learned last time that he will never stop being the Love of My Life. There is no other. I know it with everything I AM. I dont think Ill ever be able to forget that, and let go of TRUE LOVE.
Im No Longer Happy At Level 30
I had become stagnant in my growth, and slipped back down the mountain I was climbing and dragged him along with me.
I stopped journaling as much. I still journaled, but not in an effort to take a deep look at myself. I lost sight of my goal. I became complacent with where I was at. A few times I would just read over my previous entries and remember the lessons I already learned. I justified that this was enough. While I do recognize this as beneficial, it is pointless when I dont seek further learning and growth out of it. I became lost when journaling, and it lost its effectiveness. I should have known what I was doing-I didnt post my entries because I knew they werent finished. They werent any good.
I also know the frustration of trying to write and journal when nothing is coming out. No progress is being made. He was having the same issue, and instead of recognizing what truly would assist him, I told him that "Sometimes its best to not push it. Let it come out when its ready." I used my ready-made excuse for not journaling and gave it to him. No wonder he blames me for his lack of growth. Dont get me wrong, I gave him the best that I had at the time. I did the best I could with what I had. But it wasnt enough. Now I realize, no progress is being made because I have lost sight of my goal-to take a deep, honest look at myself. I could have offered that bit of insight instead.
I have learned and grown a lot in the past 5 months, with and without him. I have learned and grown a lot in the past 2 months especially. I learned new things about myself that I had no idea I was doing, and I corrected them. I worked my tail off to recognize my unhealthy behaviors and stop them, and apologize for them-and that last one was really difficult. But I was doing it, admitting when I was wrong even without him telling me I was wrong. It truly hurts the worst to know that he doesnt see that growth. But I get why he doesnt see that growth-because I didnt continue to grow. Sure, I put these new things into practice on an every day level. I was double-triple-checking myself to make sure that I wasnt saying something with a manipulative purpose. Every single day I was living with new habits. But he is human, and he didnt see the good things I was doing. All he saw was that I was stagnant-no longer seeking out ways to be better.
I am human as well. I messed up quite a few times, and did things that were WAY out of line in moments of fear and desperation. I slipped up a few times and did revert back to old habits, but I realized it and went back to stagnant. I was a chaotic graph- I started at a level 10 out of 100. I did lots of work and climbed my way up. At one point I even hit a level 70! But I evened out and rested about a level 30. I would occasionally go up a little, or down a little, but made my way back to 30 and just hung there. And that is where I am at today.
Im no longer happy being at level 30. I want to keep climbing, every day, and break thru that 100 ceiling and soar with the angels, higher and higher. And perhaps this was the perfect point in my life-just what I needed. To decide that Im no longer settling for level 30.
I just wish it would have been acheived with him still at my side. I absolutely know it could have been and would have been. I had already shared with him in detail and started the process of getting back on track and seeking out new growth 2 days before he ended it. I wish he was willing to walk side-by-side with me as I realized the rest of this.
I stopped journaling as much. I still journaled, but not in an effort to take a deep look at myself. I lost sight of my goal. I became complacent with where I was at. A few times I would just read over my previous entries and remember the lessons I already learned. I justified that this was enough. While I do recognize this as beneficial, it is pointless when I dont seek further learning and growth out of it. I became lost when journaling, and it lost its effectiveness. I should have known what I was doing-I didnt post my entries because I knew they werent finished. They werent any good.
I also know the frustration of trying to write and journal when nothing is coming out. No progress is being made. He was having the same issue, and instead of recognizing what truly would assist him, I told him that "Sometimes its best to not push it. Let it come out when its ready." I used my ready-made excuse for not journaling and gave it to him. No wonder he blames me for his lack of growth. Dont get me wrong, I gave him the best that I had at the time. I did the best I could with what I had. But it wasnt enough. Now I realize, no progress is being made because I have lost sight of my goal-to take a deep, honest look at myself. I could have offered that bit of insight instead.
I have learned and grown a lot in the past 5 months, with and without him. I have learned and grown a lot in the past 2 months especially. I learned new things about myself that I had no idea I was doing, and I corrected them. I worked my tail off to recognize my unhealthy behaviors and stop them, and apologize for them-and that last one was really difficult. But I was doing it, admitting when I was wrong even without him telling me I was wrong. It truly hurts the worst to know that he doesnt see that growth. But I get why he doesnt see that growth-because I didnt continue to grow. Sure, I put these new things into practice on an every day level. I was double-triple-checking myself to make sure that I wasnt saying something with a manipulative purpose. Every single day I was living with new habits. But he is human, and he didnt see the good things I was doing. All he saw was that I was stagnant-no longer seeking out ways to be better.
I am human as well. I messed up quite a few times, and did things that were WAY out of line in moments of fear and desperation. I slipped up a few times and did revert back to old habits, but I realized it and went back to stagnant. I was a chaotic graph- I started at a level 10 out of 100. I did lots of work and climbed my way up. At one point I even hit a level 70! But I evened out and rested about a level 30. I would occasionally go up a little, or down a little, but made my way back to 30 and just hung there. And that is where I am at today.
Im no longer happy being at level 30. I want to keep climbing, every day, and break thru that 100 ceiling and soar with the angels, higher and higher. And perhaps this was the perfect point in my life-just what I needed. To decide that Im no longer settling for level 30.
I just wish it would have been acheived with him still at my side. I absolutely know it could have been and would have been. I had already shared with him in detail and started the process of getting back on track and seeking out new growth 2 days before he ended it. I wish he was willing to walk side-by-side with me as I realized the rest of this.
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