Lets Get To Know Each Other Again

I had a very real truth brought to my attention a few nights ago and its taken me until now to process it. I have been angry with God. I have held a grudge against God for all the bad things that have happened in my life.

Lets start with a little back history..
My family is non-religious. I began my spiritual journey attending the Church of Latter Day Saints (Mormons) with my friends at age 11. I converted to the church at age 13. I was shunned by most of my LDS friends when I got pregnant by my boyfriend at age 16. I was ostracised and soon after decided that I do not believe in organized religion at all.

I maintained a belief in that which is bigger than me-the Universe. I would pray to the Universe for guidance and with grateful praise. I am still a spiritual being. But I believe that all organized religion is tainted with human greed and manipulation. Bad part of this belief is that I equated God with organized religion. I lost all personification and intimacy with Him that I once had. I held Him responsible for the hard time I had being a single teenage mom, for my lack of loyal friends, for my family problems.

But God has still been here. I can feel Him, even when I dont want to. He has been supporting and loving me the whole time. He responded and provided when I would pray to the Universe.

For the last week, I have been trying to resolve within my mind the vision I had when I was about 15 and my non-belief in God. I had just had a particularly violent argument with my dad and was feeling hopeless, worthless and the ultimate desire to die. I felt no love from the man who was supposed to love me regardless. I felt no love for myself. I was looking around for a way to kill myself when I found a belt and held it around my neck. I started to tighten my self-made noose when I frightened myself and fell to the ground bawling. I cried for a good hour before I was able to yell out for God, asking Him why things were so hard. Why I was so unlovable. Why he didnt stop all my pain. As night fell, I moved to kneel beside my bed and barely got out the words, "My Dear Spirit Father," when my breathing slowed and I got chills running down my whole body. A cloud formed in the corner of my room and I saw God. He was sitting at a table and looked down at me, his eyes overcome with tears. I sat in awe, my heart swelling. He reached his arm out and ran his fingers down my face and rested his hand on my shoulder. He looked me in the eyes and said, "You can do this." I closed my eyes and cried and when I looked up again, He was gone.

I KNOW that this experience was real. I couldnt reconcile this experience with my belief that God did not exist and there was only the Universe. I KNOW God exists. I SAW Him. I FELT Him! When a family member, referred to here after as The Guru, told me he thinks I am angry at God, my heart sunk. It was true. I have been so angry with Him for abandoning me, when really, He patiently waited for me to open my heart back open to Him. I was so closed off because I didnt believe I DESERVED His love, I didnt deserve love at all.

My recent struggle with self-worth has only exacerbated the problem. I am working on loving myself unconditionally, and as I succeed, I open myself up to the unconditional love from others, including my Spirit Father, my son, and the love of my life. It gets easier everyday, but I constantly have to keep at it.

Thank you Spirit Father. For everything I AM. For everything I can be. For everything you are. I am so grateful for you in my life once again. Lets get to know each other again.