I had a truly terrifying nightmare. It was so intense that I woke up shaking and my tear-stained pillow was thrown across the floor. I curled up in the fetal position against the wall and hugged my blankets to my chest and eventually drifted off to sleep again. When I came into work, I relayed the dream to my friend and she helped me discover the meaning. I always had a fascination with dream-reading but now I am a believer.
I was with my parents and my sisters in our old house, but it wasnt our house. It was different. Bug was not there. In fact, I was very much still a child myself. There was a serial killer on the loose and for some reason, he picked our house to stalk. He lurked outside of the doors, circling the perimeter, looking for a way in. His evil grin said that he knew something secret. I went to the front door, peeked thru the window and was startled by his sinister eyes staring back at me. I fumbled with the door, to make certain it was locked, and accidentally unlocked the door for the beast. He pushed open the door and I ran up the stairs as fast as I could, him closely on my heels. I ran into my bedroom and closed the first door behind me and hit the lock. I scurried across the room to the other door and shut and locked it as well. I grabbed a blanket and hid in the corner of the closet, as far from the door as I could get. After a little bit, I creeped back out and opened the door. The killer was gone and I went to check on my family. They were seated around the kitchen table, passing food to each one, including my terror. He smiled at me and then continued the conversation with my parents. Stunned, I sat down to observe. After the killer was fed and listened to, he politely left. He had gotten what he needed.
She explained to me that my house was not really my house because I am unsure of where my home is and where I fit. My son was not there because he cannot handle the issues Im dealing with, I barely can. The serial killer represents my fears, the greatest of which is failure and disappointment. I allowed him into my life. He chases me, almost catches me, and I run away and hide. I do not deal with my fears; instead I hide. He is after me alone. I am so absolutely terrified that my failure will catch up to me. Finally, the killer is given what it was asking for, to be listened to. To be talked out. When my fears are satisfied, they politely leave.
Thank you, subconscious mind, for teaching me and reminding me of the work I get to do!!
April 30, 2009
Braying Of My Ego
"For God hates utterly
The bray of bragging tongues"
-Sophocles, from Antigone
I was looking for a quote today that expressed a lesson that I thought a certain person around me needed to hear. He said many hurtful things and held on to his anger instead of having compassion towards me. He was indeed out of line and inappropriate. While searching for a fitting quote, I found this and was immediately humbled.
I was being proud, trying to punish him for his lesson. I thought I was better than him when really, I was only hurt by the things he said. My bragging tongue was the one who deserves the lesson. I apologize to my readers and to the certain person. I truly made an ass of myself.
Thank you God, for being forgiving of my ego. This truly was the quote I get to follow today. I am extremely grateful for this reminder!
The bray of bragging tongues"
-Sophocles, from Antigone
I was looking for a quote today that expressed a lesson that I thought a certain person around me needed to hear. He said many hurtful things and held on to his anger instead of having compassion towards me. He was indeed out of line and inappropriate. While searching for a fitting quote, I found this and was immediately humbled.
I was being proud, trying to punish him for his lesson. I thought I was better than him when really, I was only hurt by the things he said. My bragging tongue was the one who deserves the lesson. I apologize to my readers and to the certain person. I truly made an ass of myself.
Thank you God, for being forgiving of my ego. This truly was the quote I get to follow today. I am extremely grateful for this reminder!
April 29, 2009
April 27, 2009
The Helicopter Story
One of the lessons I love best is called The Helicopter Story. All credit of this story goes directly to The Guru as he is the one who developed it and shared it with me. It has helped me many times to realize what exactly is going on internally so I may correctly address my pain.
If I walked up to you and said, "Oh, you are such a helicopter! That is absolutely disgusting! How could you be a HELICOPTER?!?! I dont ever want to see you helicopters again!" You would probably look at me strangely and tell me to get back on my happy pills. You wouldnt take me seriously. In fact, many of you would laugh at me because, obviously you are not a helicopter. The idea that you are a flying, functioning helicopter is absurd. My words would not offend or hurt because you know they are not true.
However, if I walked up and told you, "You are a bad mother. You should have your kid taken away from you," you may want to punch me in the face. My words would sting and your heart might fall, especially if we are close.
The second statement is no less absurd than the first one. Why would you feel pain at one and not the other? They are both personal, negative implications.
We feel pain at statements because either they are true, or we are afraid they are true. If you truly knew in your heart that you were not a bad mother, same as you know you are not a helicopter, you would laugh at me when I accused you of being both. I know that I am not a bad mother, but I am afraid of becoming a bad mother because I know I have the potential. That is where my pain comes from when I hear the second statement.
So next time someone says something that knocks the wind out of you, remember, you may be reacting that way because what they say is true. And truth hurts.
If I walked up to you and said, "Oh, you are such a helicopter! That is absolutely disgusting! How could you be a HELICOPTER?!?! I dont ever want to see you helicopters again!" You would probably look at me strangely and tell me to get back on my happy pills. You wouldnt take me seriously. In fact, many of you would laugh at me because, obviously you are not a helicopter. The idea that you are a flying, functioning helicopter is absurd. My words would not offend or hurt because you know they are not true.
However, if I walked up and told you, "You are a bad mother. You should have your kid taken away from you," you may want to punch me in the face. My words would sting and your heart might fall, especially if we are close.
The second statement is no less absurd than the first one. Why would you feel pain at one and not the other? They are both personal, negative implications.
We feel pain at statements because either they are true, or we are afraid they are true. If you truly knew in your heart that you were not a bad mother, same as you know you are not a helicopter, you would laugh at me when I accused you of being both. I know that I am not a bad mother, but I am afraid of becoming a bad mother because I know I have the potential. That is where my pain comes from when I hear the second statement.
So next time someone says something that knocks the wind out of you, remember, you may be reacting that way because what they say is true. And truth hurts.
Learning The Bitter Truth
After another break up with the man formerly known as the Love of My Life, I immediately turned into the old me that I dont like being. I accused him of not accepting me as I am. While that very well may be true, that is for him and only him to decide.
I harshly realized, again, that I would not care if he accepted me if I TRULY accepted myself. I was so angry at him when I should have been reprimanding myself. Being angry at him was only a coping mechanism so that I could avoid feeling worthless, alone, desperate, and sad. I believed that I was not worthy of love or acceptance, hence why I would not accept myself. It is still a struggle for me to change my negative belief, but it helps to know that all negative beliefs are false. ALL OF THEM!
I still havent forgiven him, and hopefully that will come in time as I keep working on it. Looking inward at my own insecurities and knowing that all my hurt comes from my own negative beliefs is helping once again. I am working diligently to create a positive accepting space for my own soul!
It took me a while to realize the bitter truth. But hey, Im learning.
I harshly realized, again, that I would not care if he accepted me if I TRULY accepted myself. I was so angry at him when I should have been reprimanding myself. Being angry at him was only a coping mechanism so that I could avoid feeling worthless, alone, desperate, and sad. I believed that I was not worthy of love or acceptance, hence why I would not accept myself. It is still a struggle for me to change my negative belief, but it helps to know that all negative beliefs are false. ALL OF THEM!
I still havent forgiven him, and hopefully that will come in time as I keep working on it. Looking inward at my own insecurities and knowing that all my hurt comes from my own negative beliefs is helping once again. I am working diligently to create a positive accepting space for my own soul!
It took me a while to realize the bitter truth. But hey, Im learning.
Maybe It Was The World
There was another amazing experience soon after this one that I have been processing for a long time. A co-worker that I do not particularly get along with came into my office and started talking about how bad she messed up. She was really beating herself up for a work error. I calmed her down and had her explain the situation to me. She explained her actions and I verified her story from the recordings. I told her I would not have done anything different and she did not make a mistake. She did the best she could with the information she was given.
She continued to talk about how she was a liability and how she was going to get in trouble from the higher ups. She was almost in a frenzy. Normally I would have just let her deal in her own pain. She has tried to get me fired as recently as a month ago. She has called me names and spread rumors both to my face and behind my back with no reprimand. She has been a great source of stress and frustration constantly for the last two years of my life. Yet as she started tearing up, I asked her if she wanted a hug. She said yes and I jumped up and wrapped my arms around her.
She stiffened up immediately but I just held her as she cried. I told her that she did the best she could and that I would go to bat for her. After she pulled out of the embrace, I told her that no one is perfect. We all just do the best we can and LEARN from what didnt work. There are no mistakes! Only opportunities to learn! This gets to be a lesson to her when she choose to accept it.
She was hesitant, and I dont blame her with our recent history. I can feel her self-doubt and pain. I am happy with myself for making the first step towards reconciliation. She invited me outside with her and we babbled about our boobs and men. It may not seem like much, but maybe, just maybe, it was the world. Either way, it was perfect.
She continued to talk about how she was a liability and how she was going to get in trouble from the higher ups. She was almost in a frenzy. Normally I would have just let her deal in her own pain. She has tried to get me fired as recently as a month ago. She has called me names and spread rumors both to my face and behind my back with no reprimand. She has been a great source of stress and frustration constantly for the last two years of my life. Yet as she started tearing up, I asked her if she wanted a hug. She said yes and I jumped up and wrapped my arms around her.
She stiffened up immediately but I just held her as she cried. I told her that she did the best she could and that I would go to bat for her. After she pulled out of the embrace, I told her that no one is perfect. We all just do the best we can and LEARN from what didnt work. There are no mistakes! Only opportunities to learn! This gets to be a lesson to her when she choose to accept it.
She was hesitant, and I dont blame her with our recent history. I can feel her self-doubt and pain. I am happy with myself for making the first step towards reconciliation. She invited me outside with her and we babbled about our boobs and men. It may not seem like much, but maybe, just maybe, it was the world. Either way, it was perfect.
April 26, 2009
Perfection Past The Thorns
"March on. Do not tarry. To go forward is to move toward perfection. March on, and fear not the thorns, or the sharp stones on life's path."
-Kahlil Gibran
I love this quote because it really brings together two truths. First, the only way to perfection is thru constantly striving to better yourself. Second, do not fear the inevitable. There may be pain and difficulty on the path ahead for me but I do not let it deter me from continuing down the path. There may be thorns but just past them, off in the horizon is perfection! I refuse to let fear rule my life, even when I may be scared for a good reason!
April 22, 2009
Bare Our Souls And Smile
I had an AMAZING experience this morning! I have a close, personal friend that I have not been extremely close with recently. A huge part of the distance has been my recently Spiritualism and her lack of interest with that part of me. I learned so many great lessons about myself and interacting with others that I have wanted to share with her. She was not receptive to my attempts in the past, but I have been extremely open to the proper opportunity showing up.
This morning it presented itself with a tear.
We were discussing the difficult relationship she has with the man she has been living with for four years. For over a year now, neither one has been happy. They have attended counseling and tried to talk out their problems. She has finally given up on trying to grow closer and has started focusing on what she needs to do to take care of herself. I am so proud of her for the steps she has taken!
We were talking about their recent argument and I saw a chance to share my experiences with her. They have both been holding on to all the past mistakes everyone has made against them. I looked at her and smiled. I told her that one of the most powerful realities for me is that I know there are "No Mistakes, Only Lessons!" Nothing we ever do is a mistake, it is always a learning opportunity. I do not have to do everything completely right, I dont WANT to do everything completely right! I get so many opportunities to better myself and I enjoy learning! That rule gets to apply to those around me as well. It gets to be a lesson for them, whenever they choose to learn it.
She really took our discussion to heart. I could FEEL that she understood exactly what I meant! I hope it helped her see this opportunity in her life as a fun lesson. I am so grateful that I was truly open to the chance to share with her! The experience was a selfish one, still. Sharing with her only cemented the lessons for me, and my heart swelled at the possibility of her releasing some of her pain. Her and I could bare our souls and smile.
This morning it presented itself with a tear.
We were discussing the difficult relationship she has with the man she has been living with for four years. For over a year now, neither one has been happy. They have attended counseling and tried to talk out their problems. She has finally given up on trying to grow closer and has started focusing on what she needs to do to take care of herself. I am so proud of her for the steps she has taken!
We were talking about their recent argument and I saw a chance to share my experiences with her. They have both been holding on to all the past mistakes everyone has made against them. I looked at her and smiled. I told her that one of the most powerful realities for me is that I know there are "No Mistakes, Only Lessons!" Nothing we ever do is a mistake, it is always a learning opportunity. I do not have to do everything completely right, I dont WANT to do everything completely right! I get so many opportunities to better myself and I enjoy learning! That rule gets to apply to those around me as well. It gets to be a lesson for them, whenever they choose to learn it.
She really took our discussion to heart. I could FEEL that she understood exactly what I meant! I hope it helped her see this opportunity in her life as a fun lesson. I am so grateful that I was truly open to the chance to share with her! The experience was a selfish one, still. Sharing with her only cemented the lessons for me, and my heart swelled at the possibility of her releasing some of her pain. Her and I could bare our souls and smile.
Feeling Finds Truth
"Reason is powerless in the expression of Love."
-Damien Hirst
Yet another example of how the mind tries to interfere with the heart! Love is not conveyed with a list of logical reasons why two people should be together! Love is felt! It comes from FEELING! And feeling is truth. Your mind can justify or demolish anything; it is truly a powerful entity! Real truth is found through the feelings of the heart!
I love you all, very much! I hope your hearts can feel the love coming out of mine!
-Damien Hirst
Yet another example of how the mind tries to interfere with the heart! Love is not conveyed with a list of logical reasons why two people should be together! Love is felt! It comes from FEELING! And feeling is truth. Your mind can justify or demolish anything; it is truly a powerful entity! Real truth is found through the feelings of the heart!
I love you all, very much! I hope your hearts can feel the love coming out of mine!
April 21, 2009
Whiner or Winner?
It is absolutely beautiful outside today! I love the sunshine and how pretty it is! I dont like that I am stuck inside working. I am so sick and tired of my job. I wont go into too much detail for fear of being Dooced, but I will say Im sick of the political bull shit. Im fed up with not being able to do anything about my problem subordinates. And Im done working my life away for nothing.
I wonder if I should find another job, one with less stress. I know the job market is sparce, but I know I bring an awesome load to the table. I already know of a few places I would be welcomed with open arms.
My real question is where is the line between being a whiner and taking care of myself first? Am I able to continue doing my job well? Yes, definitely. Do I want to? Not really. It has been difficult and tedious, frustrating and fruitless. I work very hard and have little pay off. I try to be positive and uplift and create a positive work space. But I also get to be responsible and respect myself and not allow others to degrade me constantly.
So what do I do?
I wonder if I should find another job, one with less stress. I know the job market is sparce, but I know I bring an awesome load to the table. I already know of a few places I would be welcomed with open arms.
My real question is where is the line between being a whiner and taking care of myself first? Am I able to continue doing my job well? Yes, definitely. Do I want to? Not really. It has been difficult and tedious, frustrating and fruitless. I work very hard and have little pay off. I try to be positive and uplift and create a positive work space. But I also get to be responsible and respect myself and not allow others to degrade me constantly.
So what do I do?
Receiving the Most
"What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?"
-George Eliot
I truly am selfish.. I enjoy doing things for others just so I can share in their joy! I get tingles and giggle and have a giant grin just from the look in their eyes. Whether it is surprising the Love of My Life by taking care of the dogs for him, or giving a meal to a homeless man, I truly am the one receiving the most. I am so grateful for the opportunity to serve others.
-George Eliot
I truly am selfish.. I enjoy doing things for others just so I can share in their joy! I get tingles and giggle and have a giant grin just from the look in their eyes. Whether it is surprising the Love of My Life by taking care of the dogs for him, or giving a meal to a homeless man, I truly am the one receiving the most. I am so grateful for the opportunity to serve others.
April 20, 2009
Faith in Fate
When I first started this spiritual awakening a few months ago, I started meditating and writing and drawing whatever came out. One particular evening, I was sending all the positive energy and love I could muster to a particular young cousin. I had not met her yet, but I felt a connection to her pain. The family came together to show her unity and support so that she could overcome her addictions. I waited outside so that she did not feel uncomfortable, channeling and meditating for hours.
I wished that she would recognize how much everyone loved her. I craved for her to realize how much power she held in creating her life! She is a divine, amazing, loving, artistic young women and she deserves to see that for herself! I began praying to her, counting on the universe and vibrations to carry my pleas to her ears. Please, CHOOSE to be powerful and positive. PLEASE! Let go of all your fears and pain and see you for how you truly are!
A few days later, I was an emotional mess. I was confronting all my pain and realizing how I created it all and brought it all on myself. I started looking thru the poetry and drawings I composed that evening, pleading to that girl from outside of the house. Suddenly, I felt like a truck had run thru my heart. My words stared me straight back in the eyes. I was pleading to myself. My heart wanted my mind to REALIZE my own potential for creating my fate! I am a divine, powerful, wonderful woman and I deserve to know that! I have the power to release my pain and fears! Just as the picture next to these words explains,
I AM FATE!
I hold the power to create my future, good or bad. The potential is within me, and I will choose what happens, even if Im unconsciously doing it. I get to have faith in myself that I can create a positive space for myself, and when I do that, I have faith in fate. I trust that whatever happens was meant to, and if it did not work, I get to change it. I get to learn from my experiences! I get to CREATE positive experiences! I am a powerful creator! I am fate!
I wished that she would recognize how much everyone loved her. I craved for her to realize how much power she held in creating her life! She is a divine, amazing, loving, artistic young women and she deserves to see that for herself! I began praying to her, counting on the universe and vibrations to carry my pleas to her ears. Please, CHOOSE to be powerful and positive. PLEASE! Let go of all your fears and pain and see you for how you truly are!
A few days later, I was an emotional mess. I was confronting all my pain and realizing how I created it all and brought it all on myself. I started looking thru the poetry and drawings I composed that evening, pleading to that girl from outside of the house. Suddenly, I felt like a truck had run thru my heart. My words stared me straight back in the eyes. I was pleading to myself. My heart wanted my mind to REALIZE my own potential for creating my fate! I am a divine, powerful, wonderful woman and I deserve to know that! I have the power to release my pain and fears! Just as the picture next to these words explains,
I AM FATE!
I hold the power to create my future, good or bad. The potential is within me, and I will choose what happens, even if Im unconsciously doing it. I get to have faith in myself that I can create a positive space for myself, and when I do that, I have faith in fate. I trust that whatever happens was meant to, and if it did not work, I get to change it. I get to learn from my experiences! I get to CREATE positive experiences! I am a powerful creator! I am fate!
Learn to Love Life
"Because I have loved life, I shall have no sorrow to die."
-Amelia Burr
I have been pondering how to live a life without fear quite a bit lately. I am tired of being scared and making decisions based upon that fear. Fear is never a good motive. I recognized and addressed several of my fears in the last week. Yet I still fear death. I dont walk in the street because I am afraid I will get hit and die. I dont blow dry my hair next to a bathtub full of water because I saw what that did to Mel Gibson. NO THANK YOU. It seems logical to me to prevent myself from harm. Its natural to protect your life. Yet, I have to wonder how much I miss out on because I fear death. I do feel like my life is unfulfilled, there is so much still left that I want to do, DESERVE to do. Maybe this is my prod to get out there and DO! Perhaps that will help me overcome my fear of death, and learn to love life more!
-Amelia Burr
I have been pondering how to live a life without fear quite a bit lately. I am tired of being scared and making decisions based upon that fear. Fear is never a good motive. I recognized and addressed several of my fears in the last week. Yet I still fear death. I dont walk in the street because I am afraid I will get hit and die. I dont blow dry my hair next to a bathtub full of water because I saw what that did to Mel Gibson. NO THANK YOU. It seems logical to me to prevent myself from harm. Its natural to protect your life. Yet, I have to wonder how much I miss out on because I fear death. I do feel like my life is unfulfilled, there is so much still left that I want to do, DESERVE to do. Maybe this is my prod to get out there and DO! Perhaps that will help me overcome my fear of death, and learn to love life more!
April 19, 2009
This Lesson Today
"Live as if your were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. "
-Gandhiji
Growing up I had an undying thirst for knowledge. Why did that fade as I grew up? Why does being an adult mean that learning is any less fun or satisfactory? Perhaps it goes back to my parents. I thought they knew EVERYTHING. School was for learning and when you become a mother, you start teaching and stop learning. Honestly, that is one of my biggest pet peeves. My thoughts and opinions are no less real than anyone else's, including my parents. Everyone can learn something in any situation, including parents. ESPECIALLY parents. I get to learn this with my son! He has so much to teach me and I ALWAYS have room to grow and learn. I want to be the best me I can be! So thank you, Gandiji, for this lesson today!
-Gandhiji
Growing up I had an undying thirst for knowledge. Why did that fade as I grew up? Why does being an adult mean that learning is any less fun or satisfactory? Perhaps it goes back to my parents. I thought they knew EVERYTHING. School was for learning and when you become a mother, you start teaching and stop learning. Honestly, that is one of my biggest pet peeves. My thoughts and opinions are no less real than anyone else's, including my parents. Everyone can learn something in any situation, including parents. ESPECIALLY parents. I get to learn this with my son! He has so much to teach me and I ALWAYS have room to grow and learn. I want to be the best me I can be! So thank you, Gandiji, for this lesson today!
April 18, 2009
Grateful For A Beautiful Breeze
The city marathon was held this morning. I was dropping off my nephew back with his mom after he spent the night with us. I drove around for about 20 minutes trying to find a way around the race but found on every street, Main Street was closed. Finally I just rolled the windows down and decided to wait it out. The sun feels so bright and shiny--I FEEL so bright and shiny! I could hear the birds chirping and the runners cheering each other on! I really wished, with a sigh, that I could be out there running with them. My recent crippling back pain prevents me from most of the physical activity I wish I could do. But my disappointment faded as the wind blew in and filled my soul with sweet serenity and peace.
I knew the race would last another half hour at least before they would pass and I could continue down the road. Suddenly, there was a long break in the runners and the police officers stationed at this corner waved us thru! I was so filled with gratitude and excitement I wanted to dance and cry at the same time. I really think that if I didnt have the hungry kids in the car, I would have parked my car and danced around it, bawling for joy. I appreciated those police officers with all I AM for being thoughtful of all the public around them. I know it is their job, but I was still so thankful in my heart!
Then my mind kicked in.. I started telling me that I was silly and ridiculous for getting so worked up about something so minor. I crossed a street, chickens do it ALL THE TIME. I started feeling so small and my heart empowered me to tell my mind to shut the hell up. I am grateful for the beautiful day! I am grateful for being able to pause and enjoy the world for a minute! I am grateful I was able to cross the street without having to wait a half hour! I am grateful for everyone in my life that do the best they can, including those police officers! I am grateful and there is absolutely no reason for me to feel bad about that! I GET TO BE TRUE TO MY HEART AND HOW MY HEART FEELS!!!
I breathed in that beautiful breeze and drove off feeling absolutely whole.
I knew the race would last another half hour at least before they would pass and I could continue down the road. Suddenly, there was a long break in the runners and the police officers stationed at this corner waved us thru! I was so filled with gratitude and excitement I wanted to dance and cry at the same time. I really think that if I didnt have the hungry kids in the car, I would have parked my car and danced around it, bawling for joy. I appreciated those police officers with all I AM for being thoughtful of all the public around them. I know it is their job, but I was still so thankful in my heart!
Then my mind kicked in.. I started telling me that I was silly and ridiculous for getting so worked up about something so minor. I crossed a street, chickens do it ALL THE TIME. I started feeling so small and my heart empowered me to tell my mind to shut the hell up. I am grateful for the beautiful day! I am grateful for being able to pause and enjoy the world for a minute! I am grateful I was able to cross the street without having to wait a half hour! I am grateful for everyone in my life that do the best they can, including those police officers! I am grateful and there is absolutely no reason for me to feel bad about that! I GET TO BE TRUE TO MY HEART AND HOW MY HEART FEELS!!!
I breathed in that beautiful breeze and drove off feeling absolutely whole.
Photo 003
What a beautiful journey life is! I can see my potential out there in the horizon! Assist me in catching it!
April 17, 2009
Crying Rain
"Crying is the soul's way of taking a much needed shower"
-By the Love of My Life
I told him I was crying, but that it was ok. It was healing me. His response rang very true to me.
-By the Love of My Life
I told him I was crying, but that it was ok. It was healing me. His response rang very true to me.
Lets Get To Know Each Other Again
I had a very real truth brought to my attention a few nights ago and its taken me until now to process it. I have been angry with God. I have held a grudge against God for all the bad things that have happened in my life.
Lets start with a little back history..
My family is non-religious. I began my spiritual journey attending the Church of Latter Day Saints (Mormons) with my friends at age 11. I converted to the church at age 13. I was shunned by most of my LDS friends when I got pregnant by my boyfriend at age 16. I was ostracised and soon after decided that I do not believe in organized religion at all.
I maintained a belief in that which is bigger than me-the Universe. I would pray to the Universe for guidance and with grateful praise. I am still a spiritual being. But I believe that all organized religion is tainted with human greed and manipulation. Bad part of this belief is that I equated God with organized religion. I lost all personification and intimacy with Him that I once had. I held Him responsible for the hard time I had being a single teenage mom, for my lack of loyal friends, for my family problems.
But God has still been here. I can feel Him, even when I dont want to. He has been supporting and loving me the whole time. He responded and provided when I would pray to the Universe.
For the last week, I have been trying to resolve within my mind the vision I had when I was about 15 and my non-belief in God. I had just had a particularly violent argument with my dad and was feeling hopeless, worthless and the ultimate desire to die. I felt no love from the man who was supposed to love me regardless. I felt no love for myself. I was looking around for a way to kill myself when I found a belt and held it around my neck. I started to tighten my self-made noose when I frightened myself and fell to the ground bawling. I cried for a good hour before I was able to yell out for God, asking Him why things were so hard. Why I was so unlovable. Why he didnt stop all my pain. As night fell, I moved to kneel beside my bed and barely got out the words, "My Dear Spirit Father," when my breathing slowed and I got chills running down my whole body. A cloud formed in the corner of my room and I saw God. He was sitting at a table and looked down at me, his eyes overcome with tears. I sat in awe, my heart swelling. He reached his arm out and ran his fingers down my face and rested his hand on my shoulder. He looked me in the eyes and said, "You can do this." I closed my eyes and cried and when I looked up again, He was gone.
I KNOW that this experience was real. I couldnt reconcile this experience with my belief that God did not exist and there was only the Universe. I KNOW God exists. I SAW Him. I FELT Him! When a family member, referred to here after as The Guru, told me he thinks I am angry at God, my heart sunk. It was true. I have been so angry with Him for abandoning me, when really, He patiently waited for me to open my heart back open to Him. I was so closed off because I didnt believe I DESERVED His love, I didnt deserve love at all.
My recent struggle with self-worth has only exacerbated the problem. I am working on loving myself unconditionally, and as I succeed, I open myself up to the unconditional love from others, including my Spirit Father, my son, and the love of my life. It gets easier everyday, but I constantly have to keep at it.
Thank you Spirit Father. For everything I AM. For everything I can be. For everything you are. I am so grateful for you in my life once again. Lets get to know each other again.
Lets start with a little back history..
My family is non-religious. I began my spiritual journey attending the Church of Latter Day Saints (Mormons) with my friends at age 11. I converted to the church at age 13. I was shunned by most of my LDS friends when I got pregnant by my boyfriend at age 16. I was ostracised and soon after decided that I do not believe in organized religion at all.
I maintained a belief in that which is bigger than me-the Universe. I would pray to the Universe for guidance and with grateful praise. I am still a spiritual being. But I believe that all organized religion is tainted with human greed and manipulation. Bad part of this belief is that I equated God with organized religion. I lost all personification and intimacy with Him that I once had. I held Him responsible for the hard time I had being a single teenage mom, for my lack of loyal friends, for my family problems.
But God has still been here. I can feel Him, even when I dont want to. He has been supporting and loving me the whole time. He responded and provided when I would pray to the Universe.
For the last week, I have been trying to resolve within my mind the vision I had when I was about 15 and my non-belief in God. I had just had a particularly violent argument with my dad and was feeling hopeless, worthless and the ultimate desire to die. I felt no love from the man who was supposed to love me regardless. I felt no love for myself. I was looking around for a way to kill myself when I found a belt and held it around my neck. I started to tighten my self-made noose when I frightened myself and fell to the ground bawling. I cried for a good hour before I was able to yell out for God, asking Him why things were so hard. Why I was so unlovable. Why he didnt stop all my pain. As night fell, I moved to kneel beside my bed and barely got out the words, "My Dear Spirit Father," when my breathing slowed and I got chills running down my whole body. A cloud formed in the corner of my room and I saw God. He was sitting at a table and looked down at me, his eyes overcome with tears. I sat in awe, my heart swelling. He reached his arm out and ran his fingers down my face and rested his hand on my shoulder. He looked me in the eyes and said, "You can do this." I closed my eyes and cried and when I looked up again, He was gone.
I KNOW that this experience was real. I couldnt reconcile this experience with my belief that God did not exist and there was only the Universe. I KNOW God exists. I SAW Him. I FELT Him! When a family member, referred to here after as The Guru, told me he thinks I am angry at God, my heart sunk. It was true. I have been so angry with Him for abandoning me, when really, He patiently waited for me to open my heart back open to Him. I was so closed off because I didnt believe I DESERVED His love, I didnt deserve love at all.
My recent struggle with self-worth has only exacerbated the problem. I am working on loving myself unconditionally, and as I succeed, I open myself up to the unconditional love from others, including my Spirit Father, my son, and the love of my life. It gets easier everyday, but I constantly have to keep at it.
Thank you Spirit Father. For everything I AM. For everything I can be. For everything you are. I am so grateful for you in my life once again. Lets get to know each other again.
Photo 002
There are so many beautiful things in this world. Im so absolutely grateful for my ability of sight. Sounds lame? Im thanking God for the basic ability to see and realize the beauty around me ALL THE TIME. Im filled with absolute awe and love for what God has given me, ESPECIALLY the basics. I hope everyone has this feeling in their life. I dont know how to explain it. My tears will have to be explanation enough.
Enough is Enough
"There is no greater calamity
than acquisitiveness racing out of control.
Only those who know when enough is enough
can ever have enough."
-Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching
The feeling of want is rampant in all of us. I really enjoy this quote because it reminds me to be grateful for all that I have! I have enough. I do not NEED anything else! It also reminds me that I AM ENOUGH. Only when I realize that, will I feel enough. I am whole, just the way I am. The imperfect learning Spirit of Love that I AM!
than acquisitiveness racing out of control.
Only those who know when enough is enough
can ever have enough."
-Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching
The feeling of want is rampant in all of us. I really enjoy this quote because it reminds me to be grateful for all that I have! I have enough. I do not NEED anything else! It also reminds me that I AM ENOUGH. Only when I realize that, will I feel enough. I am whole, just the way I am. The imperfect learning Spirit of Love that I AM!
April 15, 2009
The Proper Space For Change
Today's quote is a longer one, but it really impacted me.
“As a result of unsatisfactory relationships, many people today are obsessed with changing themselves, hoping that when they change, their life will improve. Creating more love in your life has nothing to do with changing who you are or with trying to change others. As a matter of fact, that just gets in the way. The more you try to modify your behavior in order to act like you think you ’should’ act, the less you will be yourself and the harder it will be for you and others to love you.
There is nothing wrong with change except when it prevents you from being who you really are.
As long as change is motivated by self-hatred, it can never create more love. You may become more powerful; you may get a better job; you may even make new friends. But you’re not going to love yourself more. You may succeed at convincing others that you are more worthy of their love, but deep down inside you will never feel truly loved and accepted for just being you.”
-Dr. John Gray, PhD
Author of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"
“As a result of unsatisfactory relationships, many people today are obsessed with changing themselves, hoping that when they change, their life will improve. Creating more love in your life has nothing to do with changing who you are or with trying to change others. As a matter of fact, that just gets in the way. The more you try to modify your behavior in order to act like you think you ’should’ act, the less you will be yourself and the harder it will be for you and others to love you.
There is nothing wrong with change except when it prevents you from being who you really are.
As long as change is motivated by self-hatred, it can never create more love. You may become more powerful; you may get a better job; you may even make new friends. But you’re not going to love yourself more. You may succeed at convincing others that you are more worthy of their love, but deep down inside you will never feel truly loved and accepted for just being you.”
-Dr. John Gray, PhD
Author of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"
A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words
I have decided to follow my heart!! I will be starting a photography business! I already do shoots for my friends and family, and I truly enjoy capturing the beauty of the world. I, A Spirit of Love, would love to assist you in capturing your memories! I will be posting some of my work day by day. These first entries are my early pieces done before I got the proper equipment. Please, I would love your input!
Also, this is my personal work. Please do not reproduce it or try to pass it off as your own. If you would like prints, we can arrange that very easily! Please comment or email me at IAmASpiritOfLove@gmail.com to set up a photo session or to request prints. I will be posting pricing information soon!
I love you all! Create yourself a BEAUTIFUL day!
Also, this is my personal work. Please do not reproduce it or try to pass it off as your own. If you would like prints, we can arrange that very easily! Please comment or email me at IAmASpiritOfLove@gmail.com to set up a photo session or to request prints. I will be posting pricing information soon!
I love you all! Create yourself a BEAUTIFUL day!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)