Another Suggestion

All my books, decorations, furniture, everything material that people define their homes in, is in boxes piled in the basement of my parents house. Taller than I am. I often forget what I have stored down there, you know, outta sight outta mind.. But that's not really true because I think daily about something I'd love to have around me that would take me an hour long to find. Its easy enough to say, "Well just bring it up ya dummie!" but my space is crowded enough with just necessities.

I am going camping soon and in prep, I went searching for my camping things that I cannot live without.. tent.. sleeping bags.. electric lantern.. There were several open and scattered boxes of books left by my bored sister hell bent on finding something new to occupy her lazy summer vacation. I happened to knock one over while attempting to extract my tent from the deepest, darkest corner.

I found my diaries and journals from my teenage years. I KNOW. Of all things to spill all over it had to be the box of silly musings and OH EM GEE that boy looked at me today! It is the one box I would be embarrassed for people to find.. I can't believe my priorities were so shallow and how naïve I was. I would be truly embarrassed if people read those diaries. Yet I keep them to look back on, and I read and relive them every so often.

After storing those safely in a box hidden beneath several layers of belongings, I took a blank journal upstairs and didn't look back. Until I opened that journal and realize what a reflection of my WHOLE LIFE that was. Uh, holy crap.

My whole life has revolved around my past, my guilt for my past and my fears that I will repeat my past. I truly am embarrassed for the life I lived, the decisions I made, and for losing me in a sea of people. I would NEVER want someone to read the written proof that I was the kind of person who was obsessed, almost stalkerish, of a boy constantly. That I hated my sisters and wanted no relationship with them. That I would spout off every dirty word I'd ever heard at the top of my lungs when I thought no one could hear me. That I put my naked Barbie and Kens under a blanket and let them lay there for a while because I had no clue what grown ups really did at night. That I was too scared to even explore my own nether regions because only bad, unloved girls did that.

And now I have physical proof of me hanging onto my past, hiding it away and storing it, while trying to forget it and prevent any one else from seeing it.

You may have read a little bit before about my past and my struggles to move on and forgive and release myself from it. Its honestly the biggest hindrance to my spiritual journey. I've worked thru and understand that by not forgiving myself I live in fear, see everything thru a foggy glass and create avoidance behaviors that ultimately proof my fears correct and leave me on a death spiral, doomed to repeat my mistakes and focused around pain. I also know that when I hold onto my mistakes, they can't turn into lessons and I am essentially telling my creator that the grace and divinity he has given me isn't enough. Basically, holding on to my past equals bad stuff which leads to nuclear war. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

But I do know my past is a great teacher. My past mistakes are where all my lessons come from and teach me to be a better person. To be the woman of light I was created to be. And that is pretty great stuff! So to hide my diaries, tear out each page and burn them, may not be the most beneficial and definitely is not celebrating or honoring the space I was in that lead me to better space I'm in now. That diary is perfect in its imperfections, perfection in the moment it was written.

So with a new pair of eyes I read a few more entries and laughed my ever loving ass off. How could I ever had been so sure I was going to marry the kid who sat next to me at lunch? And the girls I played Winnie The Pooh with at recess didn't end up as bridesmaids at our wedding. I'm not at Harvard and honestly have no desire to ever go anymore. But the handwriting I adopted and practiced for hours so I could be as cool as the rich girls? CLASSIC.

I can read thru those diaries now and gain perspective on my life and habits. A historical view, if you will, on why I can't stand choker necklaces or purple press-on nails. I am grateful for the record I kept of all the times I wished I had different parents and straight teeth. And when my daughter baffles me with complaints about The Killers being old lady music, I can look back thru and have compassion for what she is experiencing.

So keep your old diaries, journals. Read them and laugh like they are a comic novel whose main character is creepily similar to you. Share stories of your rose bush secret club house near the willow tree. And learn from your fears that formed when your mom forgot to pick you up from school. Celebrate the life you have lived, and leave it where it belongs: in the past.

Just another suggestion that I deserve to follow myself!

Quote Me On That

I am absolutely certain God gives us beautiful mornings to center us and prepare us for our days.

It is the most beautiful day ever today! I spent hours just cuddling and walking around with my baby girl soaking up the post storm sky. The energy in the air is vibrant and peaceful. I have just been overfilled with gratitude and purpose all morning!

And then I realized what I had to do this morning. My Beauty is being watched by a friend of her father, a person I hold a grudge against still for the way she has treated me. I do not like this person one bit. Do I know my daughter will be taken care of? Sure. Am I terrified to leave her there and not be notified or communicated with if something goes wrong? Absolutely. I have been dreading these few days for weeks. Even thinking about it I get the worst knots in my stomach. I don't feel like I am able to call and check up on my daughter without attitude. No mom should ever be sitting at work feeling like that. And I thought we had a worked out a way around that, using the daughter as the babysitter instead, but I found out only last night that they pulled a fast one on me. Nope, I have to deal with this person.

So with the moment I've been dreading approaching quickly, I desperately needed some centering and to get back in touch with my Source. I know God created today so that I had the strength and conviction to stay true to who I am and treat EVERYONE with respect. Every time I felt the anxiety creeping up, I looked at the sky and remembered how gorgeous it is! It is a wonderful world and I don't get to let my fears and uncomfortableness create more problems.

And as I dropped off my daughter, I was greeted with a smile. I know it wasn't for me, it was for the Beauty I was carrying, but I felt all my worries and fears put to rest. I made up the worst possible situation in my mind and treated it like fact. They even ASKED me if it was ok if they text me while at work.
I know without a doubt, that if I had not had such a beautiful morning, I would have been cold and CREATED a miserable situation. Because I was kind and full of positive energy, they feel comfortable enough to communicate with me. And even when I feel drained from others, I know I can connect to the extra vibrations God put out today and fill back up on the beauty!

Yes, I am absolutely certain God gives us beautiful mornings to center us and prepare us for our days.
And you can quote me on that.

Keep My Eyes Instead

"The biggest disease this world suffers from is people feeling unloved."

- Princess Diana of Wales

I always seem to find the quotes exactly when I need them. I have felt the pain from feeling unloved and I would never wish that on my children. It is my job as their mother to provide comfort and safety to my kids and to love them always, so they can learn to love themselves. I've been thinking about lately how difference Booboo and Beauty are and the different ways they feel loved.

Booboo's language of love is playing with him. He thinks that whoever plays the most games with him loves him the most and who he needs to love the most. Probably not the most healthy, but the kid has made up his mind, and his working mama gets the rough end of that deal. Beauty on the other hand, she just wants eye contact. She wants direct and unbridled attention, like NOW, MOMMY. Look at me, Mom Mom Ma Mommy Mama Mom Mom oh there we go! Now I can squeal and dance and play now that you are looking at me!

Each with their unique personalities, but both equally deserving their language of love be met. Feeling unloved is a disease I've spent my whole life combating, and its one trait I don't want to pass onto my darlings. They can keep my eyes.

Healthy, Whole Family

My first thought when Booboo started acting out when we brought Beauty was home was that he missed our one on one time. Its the first thing people tell me, give him more alone attention, whether I ask for their input or not. But I really don't think that's what it is, and I promise this isn't coming from an afraid-to-be-wrong space. I've tried giving him more one on one time and attention, but he blows me off. I ask him if he wants to play a game with me or watch a movie with me and he tells me no. He literally blows me off and silly me I thought I had 10 more years before that would happen. Four going on fifteen! It doesn't seem to matter how much attention I give him, his attitude doesn't change. His attitude DOES change when I get him out of the house and get him physically active.

A big part is being 4 and full of energy and having an exhausted momma who doesn't want to run or even go anywhere. By the time people get here and can help watch the kids, I'm so tired and I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. I'm hoping getting my body back in balance and healed and eating healthy food will give me more energy. (Did you know that if you have an over-abundance of yeast in your body, you will eat more sugars, and every time you eat fruit or grains, you create alcohol in your intestines? Yeah. That minor yeast infection is looking a bit more important now.)

But with as little as he gets out at the moment, he acts out and then he gets in trouble. Mix that with my need to be in control (control what he does, when he can play, how loud he is, etc) and he feels completely out of control, so he uses anger to feel more in control. And I've tried giving him little decisions and having him earn up to bigger decisions, but I realized that is what my parents always did and it didn't work and it left me feeling out of control and lacking faith in myself and my abilities. Like I'm not capable of making my own decisions, always doubting myself and unable to make a decision. Those around me can TESTIFY of this! Shopping? Nightmare!

So the other morning I actually did a lil shorthand writing about it and I want him to have more freedom. Not even me "giving" him freedom, because its already his! God gave him that power and when I try to control it or take it away, I am sucking his energy out and he will develop life long ways of trying to get it back. Equals all unhealthy relationships. Ouch! Hits hard in my fear of being a bad mother and screwing up my kids..

I was pretty inspired by a couple photographers I met.. They seem so happy together. Sweetie this and sweetie that, and reading their blog and talking to the wife, I know they are getting some buttons pushed by their daughter. She's 3. I've been there, gotten the sunburn and bought the t shirt. I know how it can be.
I was always told and taught that you have to show the kid boundaries, but I think I took it too extreme and used it as an excuse to seek control externally. I was really touched by the way these parents ASKED her to do things and didn't force her. They convinced her. "Will you please move over here sweetie so I can get a picture of Booboo?" And I realize that's how the most powerful people in my life have worked with me. Especially teachers. I didn't HAVE to do the work, but my math test will probably be better if I do. Kinda the whole, attracting bees with honey rather than vinegar. Leading a horse to water but can't make em drink, so you drink water and talk about how cooling and refreshing it is and turn your back so the horse thinks you don't know it snuck a sip or two.

So I tried it a bit with Booboo this morning. He had certain chores he had to do before he could play games. And he said he didn't wanna do em. "Ok that's fine by me, but you have to do em before you can play." So he did em. I asked him for help and he said "No, I'm taking a break right now." "Ok, will you help me later?" And he said yes when he was done with his break. 20 min later he said he was done with his break and asked if he could play wii, and I reminded him that he said he would help me when he was done with his break. And he did it.

Usually I demand that the help I want be given NOW. And I keep being reminded of the typically marriage battle.. I would ask X to take out the trash and he wouldn't for days. I would always say, "If I wanted you to take out the trash sometime this week, I would say that! I asked you to take out the trash because it needs to be taken out NOW!" Yeah, I was winning no awards for Wife of the Year. But that is part of the difference in men and women I learned in a communication workshop. That's just another item on the to do list for him to accomplish when and how he wants. And if for some reason it truly, honestly needs to happen now, I can do it myself or explain and convince him why it needs to be done sooner(garbage man is down the street and if we miss him the can is going to overflow).

I see how my fears and insecurities have created the exact same thing and cycle in Booboo.. And I'm pretty damn grateful to The Phoenix Paradigm for showing me the tools so I can figure stuff like this out. Before its too late.

Its a step or two closer to a healthy whole family.

Come to Peace

“Every woman is a rebel, and usually in wild revolt against herself.”

-Oscar Wilde


(Ok, one more about love..)

I am a glutton for punishment. Seriously.

Talk about revolting against one's self.

So many times a day, there are things I WANT to say, and things I KNOW I SHOULDN'T say. Like today. I flirt, when I know it will only create awkwardness eventually. It may not be today, tomorrow may be lots of fun too. But it will come.

Being a single woman who ultimately WANTS to stay single for a bit longer, who has A LOT to figure out before getting into a relationship, is really hard sometimes. Because there is a HUGE part of me that really wants the cuddling. The sex. The KISSING. Soooo.. I flirt. When I know I shouldnt. When Im not sure he even wants me to.

I have erased the same text message 10 times. It took 20 minutes and a very forced hand to say "Ok." instead of "Jump in this shower with me and find out what a dirty girl I am."

TMI? Probably.

Like I said. REBEL WOMAN RIGHT HERE.

Why do I revolt against myself? Because the revolting feels so good. At least temporarily..

Its time I honor my higher self. Stop torturing myself and making my sleepless, alone nights terrible! I am happy being single. I feel the best when I love myself, and realize I dont need someone holding me to feel secure! I have platonic love all around me and IT IS ENOUGH.

Time for this civil war to come to PEACE!

Bedtime vs Family time

Last night, true to American fashion, I was drinking beer and playing "Redneck Life" with my sisters, my new brother, Beauty and her daddy. Perfect 4th of July!

It was getting late and Beauty was getting tired and a bit cranky. I put her on my shoulder, her favorite position when not eating, and she was calming down and starting to drift. Suddenly she started talking and squealing and looking down the dark hall behind me. When her daddy stood in front of her, she moved to look around him. She was having an intimate conversation with someone we couldn't see..

I tuned into my heart to feel who it was and I felt a familiar spirit, the same one I felt at Pappy's funeral. Immediately I felt he had come for her baby blessing that morning and waited and waited in the shadows until everything calmed down and they could talk. At dusk right before bed. It was PERFECT.

E seemed to disagree, and I guess he would know better than me, Pappy is his father after all. So maybe it was another one of her angels. Whoever it was, he said, its time to let her get her Beauty-sleep.

Which poses a question to me. When is it time to call it quits on playtime and when is it ok to put off bedtime? I love hearing my baby girl squeal and talk, especially with her parents or grandparents, but when is it time to intercede and call it bedtime?

And this goes for Booboo as well-when is it ok to let him stay up late, and how late? He needs time with family, dead or alive.. At what point does the late night family time start to damage him, if ever? I used to stay up late all the time and look at me! I'm fine!

..er, ok maybe don't use me for an example.

I'm tempted to let the play go on for hours because I know, I will miss it when its gone. How many chances is she going to have for a powerful conversation with her angels? And she may be over this adorable squealing thing tomorrow morning. SAD THOUGHT!

I guess that's why her daddy is my perfect partner in raising her! Somewhere between us I'm sure we will find a balance that is best for her.

Notes To Self From First Workout Post Baby

Just because all the doctors finally gave you clearance doesn't mean they meant you could run a marathon.

Hydrate BEFOREHAND. Then rehydrate.

Running with breasts full of milk hurts and needs more support.

Wearing all gym clothes as pajamas means running in baggy clothes and almost getting captured by the machines.

Thinking about how you don't fit into your favorite swimming suit does NOT motivate to run faster. Only leads to frustration and mumbling.

A 'good workout' typically does not include falling over when you stop and swearing like Uncle C after Christmas shots.

If you can hear you singing Madonna over the radio, everyone upstairs probably can too. Expect a chorus of "we are living in a material world, and you are a material girl!" as you open the door.

You will regret that candy bar you ate for lunch.

Same for that soda.

And no, you cannot have another soda because you burned the calories from the first one.

Kids are napping. You worked yourself exhausted. Just as they get up full of energy. Yeah, good plan.

DO THIS MORE OFTEN and your body will forgive you, thank you even.



Wow, that chick is pretty smart. I should have listened to her. Except for that soda part.. She's nuts. Cheers!