Ding

"They are decided only to be undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, solid for fluidity, all-powerful to be impotent."

-Winston Churchill

I searched out today's quote because I had a fleeting thought of insight, and as always, it is the perfect quote. I always feel so unresolved as I argue with people. We get to a point where on the surface it seems like everything should be resolved, yet I still feel unresolved and sticky. It hit me today that maybe Im creating that uneasy feeling because I am holding onto the issues. Maybe Im not letting go of the argument and letting it be the past. Im the one not being present. Ding! Problem One.

I started thinking about what it would take for me to feel resolved. Why wouldnt I automatically feel better if he just calmed down? And lightbulb. I want an apology. Here I am throwing myself down, admitting all the things I do wrong, and I am vulnerable. I can see the things he has done wrong too. I am focusing on HIS accountability instead of my own. Ding!! Problem Two.

Plus, I feel open and vulnerable and not good enough. I want him to apologize so that we are even, both laying on the floor. Im literally wanting to drag him down to the bottom of the pit with me because I am miserable and feeling worthless and not remembering that I love myself. Im trying to feel higher than him. I am engaging in, no, initiating, a power struggle with him. DING!! Problem Three.

AND when I pull him down, I am not pushing him higher. I dont want a relationship where we pull each other lower and lower. I want and DESERVE to create a relationship where we give each other a hand up as we climb the mountain. When I pull him down, I am being self-centered and not being Outwardly Focused in Contribution to Others. I am being very conditional with my love towards him. DING!!!!!! Problem Four.

The conversations and arguments are unresolved because I am determined to make them that way, subconsciously. So I get to shift. I am absolutely resolved to be resolved! And the bells and whistles go off-ding ding ding ding ding! Charlie tell her what she has won!

Proud, Yet Humbled

I get to take a minute to celebrate my growth. I am far from the healthy level I know I will be one day, but I get to be proud and congratulate myself for the work I have done.

I havent used sex to get imitation Love to make myself feel better and desirable momentarily. That is a huge step for me. In my past, I used sex from whoever I could. I stopped that a long time ago, but I switched to using sex just from my monogamous partner. While infinitely safer and more healthy, it was still stuffing my emotions and need to be loved with a temp fix. It was putting a bandaid on a gushing head wound. I have been focusing on making love every time instead, making sure I am intimate and connected to my love as we consummate.

I have been accountable for my role in things, at least most of the time. A lot of times, it feels like I am taking complete blame for everything-and my ego HATES that. But this gets to be the first step. I get to be ok taking the blame for everything and not focusing on any one else's accountability because that is what I deserve. I deserve to be happy, and I know I will never truly be happy until I am ok taking all the accountability. And even tho its been a gut shot to hear all the bad things Im doing over and over, feeling reamed and teeny tiny and unworthy of love, Ive kept my mouth shut and not created another fight-which would have been my normal pattern of chaos.

So instead, Ive been reminding myself that I love myself. And even if he leaves, which seems more and more plausible everyday, I will still have myself and God. When I feel like everything I do is wrong and that I make his life so much worse, I just repeat that I still have myself and God. God loves me. I love me. I am That (Love). And I keep my mouth shut. I deserve, he deserves, my kids deserve for me to not lash out and cause more fights just because I dont feel good about myself.

And this last one may seem inconsequential, but I purposefully sat on the floor when we fought. He was aggressive and sat on top of the dresser, across and above the entire room. I could see his pain, so much so that he felt the need to place himself above me so he could look down at me and tell me everything I do wrong. I totally get how he was feeling, and could relate, and forced myself to be humble enough to not play his game. Forced my Ego to be ok being lower because I know deep down that I am not less of a human than him just because I am sitting lower. I was ok not being in control of the situation. That is huge for me.

So I get to pat myself on the back and be proud for the work Ive done. But I still get to be humble about the work I still get to do.

Serves Me Quite Perfectly

"Journal:
•diary: a daily written record of (usually personal) experiences and observations
•a periodical dedicated to a particular subject; "he reads the medical journals"
•daybook: a ledger in which transactions have been recorded as they occurred
•a record book as a physical object"

-Princeton's WordNet 3.0

Ive been thinking lately about the title of this blog, and whether it was fitting or not. I use this blog as a journal, keeping most entries public. Occasionally, I wont publish an entry if I feel it isnt finished or it is a vent session. But I havent felt like my entries have qualified to be a "journey" since I dont feel like Im going anywhere.

But then again, I was describing my journaling on this blog to a family member and I realized the similarity of the words "journal" and "journey." My journal follows my every day journey. The third definition that Princeton gives absolutely describes this online journal. I was getting so caught up and beating myself up that I was not producing quality entries or seemingly making any progress on a DAILY basis, as the first definition would indicate. But I get to be happy recording my journey as it happens, and let go of the expectations I was placing on myself for quick progress. I move at the perfect pace, even if it doesnt seem like it all the time. Its perfect for me and serves me quite perfectly!

FAITH in Love, not FEAR

"Fear-False Evidence Appearing Real
Faith-Full Assurance In The Heart"

-Username ChristineKV from HubPages.com

The first acronym she uses reminds me of the first conversation that the Love of My Life and I had several weeks ago. We had been texting and he had a breakthru he wanted to share with me, so he called. That conversation was so intense and real, and it was the first time I had ever felt any sort of resolve with him and the relationship we had.

He shared with me that he finally realized why all the work he had been doing to learn to love himself wasnt working. He always had loved himself, he had just forgotten that he did, so OF COURSE the work wasnt working! I felt a familarity with this concept as soon as he shared it. It made sense to my mind and my heart-so rare! What immediately came up for me was that Love could not exist at the same time as Fear. The two are mutually exclusive.

So, if I love myself, and always have, then I could not possibly be scared about ANYTHING. All the fear I felt was an illusion, a fairy tale my ego had cooked up and imagined. Because I do love myself, in my heart and my mind-my ego just makes me forget sometimes.

It was perfect for me to find these acronyms today to remind me that the Fear isnt real. Only Love exists, and I know because I feel it deep in my heart. I have Full Assurance In my Heart that Love surrounds me. And the minute I remember that I love myself, I no longer feel the desperation that was overcoming me.

Google Was No Help

So apparently I have some serious abandonment issues as well.

We are on the phone discussing major issues about our relationship. He is taking a break at work and he feels we are at a stopping point and says he is going back to work. Nothing is really resolved, things are awful between us, and the minute he says he is leaving the conversation I panick.

Abandoned is the only word I can come up with for how I felt, and it doesnt really do the enormity of my despair justice. And all I could do was cry.

I didnt want him to know I was crying. I didnt know what to tell him about feeling abandoned. He was going back to work and whatever I said, it would be me picking a fight, causing something else, stalling, something-and it wouldnt do any good. I could see that. He wanted to go back to work and the conversation needed to be over for him.

I was stuck, immobile between the two choices of telling him and causing more shit that wouldnt get resolved, and ending the phone call and giving into the black massive force surrounding my heart. He knew something was up and demanded to know what it was-but all I could do was cry. I finally squeaked out that I didnt know how to talk about it right then-how could I? In that moment, I didnt have an easy, positive choice of how to discuss it. I didnt even really have time to process thru why I was feeling so alone and betrayed. He was pissed, said something snotty and hung up, furthering my despair.

I dont know why I feel so abandoned everytime he ends a phone call or conversation when things are unresolved. Maybe it goes back to all the times he interrupted me or hung up on me and I never got to say what I wanted to say. Maybe it goes back to all the times he walked away from me in the middle of a conversation. But he would just tell me Im living in the past and to get over it. He doesnt get that I dont know how to erase all that pain.

I dont WANT to feel lost and alone when people walk away from me. I dont WANT to feel desperate and helpless every time he hangs up on me. But I do. And in that moment of darkness, I dont know how to tell him how Im feeling without creating more arguments or prolonging an unresolved conversation.

I dont even know what personal work on myself I can do that would help abandonment issues. And Google was no help.

Old, Unhealthy Habits

Im so lost.

Today, I felt ignored and unimportant to him. He all of a sudden stopped a text conversation we were having and ignored my texts and phone calls for over an hour, when I thought he would be off work and driving, and I got worried. When I finally did hear back from him, I was so upset and I reacted in my old familar ways of snappiness and tone. He snapped right back at me. I recognized myself as not being in a place to talk and ended the phone call. I said, "We are both snapping and I need to talk about this later."

This may not seem like much to anyone. In fact, it may have been not the best thing to say. But it was a huge step for me and I am insanely proud of myself for saying it.

First off, I was accountable. I didnt blame him for everything or say that it was just him snapping. I said that WE were snapping. And I recognized and verbally was accountable to him that I was not in the proper space to talk about it right then.

It was vastly different than what I said last august, in a similar situation, where I blamed him for everything and did not admit any part in not being in the proper space to speak. In the come-to-Jebus I had with the Guru before, this in particular was something I debated at length about. I defended what I had said in August and he beat it into my skull that I am not allowed to point out others parts until I am fully accountable for mine first. To be accountable, I get to verbally say that I am included in the unhealthy discussion. So I am so proud of myself that I was accountable, even subconsciously, to the point where without thinking, I was verbally accountable.

Im still having difficulties with other people pointing out my part and blaming me without being accountable themselves. When he tells me everything that Im doing wrong, especially when he is doing the same thing, without being accountable for his part, it is like nails on a chalkboard. The hairs on my neck and arms stand straight up and it drives me crazy. I keep reminding myself that these are MY rules, not his, and he doesnt have to follow them. I remind myself that maybe there is something Im missing and that he is being accountable for his part. I remind myself that I follow my rules to make MY life better and I get to just focus on me.

But its not working.

So it eats at me, and eats at me, and eats at me, until I finally say something like, "So its all me? You arent doing it either???"

Not very mature. I know. I DONT GET TO POINT OUT HIS UNTIL I AM FULLY ACCOUNTABLE FOR MINE. Its hard sometimes. And I slip into my old, unhealthy habits.

He goes to end the conversation, blaming me for everything, and I panick. Again. I want to scream ITS NOT ALL ME! KNOCK IT OFF! LET ME FINISH WHAT I WAS SAYING!!! YOU INTERRUPTED AND I NEVER GOT TO FINISH WHAT I WAS SAYING!!!

I WANT TO BE HEARD!!!!!! I WANT TO BE IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO LISTEN TO!!!!!!

But I dont. I dont scream. I panick and slip the few words I can in before he hangs up, because I know he will. He always does. And he gets to the point of yelling and swearing again. Boom. Just like that. "DONT YOU FUCKING TELL ME.."

That is as far as he got before my fight or flight kicked in. My old, unhealthy habits. And it was flight. It was always flight. I hung up the phone, hitting about 12 buttons along the way, and hid from the phone. I ran into the next room, into the closet, and hid in a pile of blankets and sobbed until I couldnt breathe and my son checked on me because he was scared. I hid from a phone. I feel so ridiculous. And guilty for scaring my son.

I dont know why it scares me so bad when he yells and swears. I get its a part of my history, and yelling and swearing like that always accompanied a large man closing in on me in a corner. That same wrenching in my gut always comes up when I hear it, just like it did when I was helpless and scared. The sobbing is immediate and I want a safe place where he cant find me. Even if the he is on the other end of the phone. I know its just yelling and swearing, yet in the moment, it just doesnt seem to matter.

And I slip further into my old, unhealthy habits that Ive been working my ass off to change.