I do miss him terribly. I shared this with a close friend and she promptly told me to just forget about him bc he has been an asshole to me and isn't worth my heart break. Strangely, that didn't make anything better. But I did start wondering what exactly I miss about him.
I miss having him there every day and deciding what is for dinner together. I miss going grocery shopping with him. I miss the joking and laughing we would do in the car while singing songs loud and off key. I miss being happy with him. I miss having company in the car and him driving. Yet I know, a lot of that happiness was all conditional. We loved each other when we acted in a way that was pleasing to the other.
But I also miss doing things for him just to see him smile. I miss packing him a lunch and surprising him with treats. I miss rubbing his head and hearing him purr, especially after I know he had a tough day. I miss hugging him after we argued, putting his heart to mine so that he could feel my love for him and ease his pain. I did those things with only him in mind. I didn't want or expect anything in return, I only wanted him to be happy.
I realized that our relationship wasn't entirely conditional. We had moments of true acceptance and unselfishness. And that truth is the most confusing and heart breaking of all.
Also, I realized how much I did know him. He confuses the hell out of me sometimes because, well, he is human too. His actions do not make sense to my head, but I try to remember that he is in pain, and pain is irrational. But I knew him. I knew his favorite foods and phrases. I knew which clothes he was most confident in. I knew that a hug and a kiss went miles further for him than words. I knew that he just wanted to be heard as well. I knew the spots I could kiss to get him in the mood. I did know him once. I knew as much as he would show me.
He still hid a lot from me, especially his childhood. I want to know all of him. I still crave to know all of him. I still want that bond with him. I want a perfect relationship with him because part of me knows we can have it. I know I am capable of having an unconditional relationship with him. I will have moments where I mess up, I know that. But I am ready to commit to him to be unconditional and loving.
But I can't make him unconditional. I can't make him treat me with respect. I can't make him fall back in love with me. I can't make him have patience or be loving towards me.
And I can't wait for him anymore.
I'm going to be alone, working my ass off to support my kids. I'm going to support myself alone again. I'm going to go to the doctors appointments alone. Going to go dancing alone. Going to go shopping alone.
My heart is still broken over letting go of my fairy tale.
September 27, 2009
September 26, 2009
My Life So Far
I received very short notice that my condo I rent was being sold. I originally planned on just moving back into my parents house for a bit, but after certain events that left emotional and physical scars, I realized how unhealthy that would be for me right now. I've been hiding at my parents lately to avoid being alone with the deep sorrow in my heart.
I asked a friend what she did when she was in similar situations. A day later she offered me an unfinished studio apartment in her building with a part time job, basically working for my rent. It was only concrete floors and drywall walls, on the corner of a car museum warehouse.
I took it that night, and the next night I dropped $250 on paint and flooring to finish the apartment. The following next 2 nights were spent priming, painting, and laying flooring until the sun came up, almost. She, her boyfriend, and her daughter all pitched in amazing support to get my new home livable. I started packing everything up and currently have the large things moved into the new place. Several loads still left to do and pack, but I took a much needed rest today.
My body has put up with a lot from me over the last 4 days. Painting, especially the ceiling, and flooring truly worked every muscle in my body. Then packing, bending and lifting my belongings into boxes. I also have only had about 5 hours of sleep each night, while still taking care of my tired and lonely 3 year old.
I still have a lot to pack and move before I can thoroughly wipe out the apartment well enough to get my deposit back. I am stressed about how much is still left to do, especially since I work solo at the new job on Monday without much training. I have Sunday and part of Tuesday to finish my moving trip.
I am also stressed because I do not have constant income any more. When I use my bank account dry, I no longer have the reassurance that in a few days it will be replenished. I definately get that this a huge part of the lessons the universe has given me to learn from this experience.
Between the stress and lack of sleep and physical labor for 3 days straight, plus the pregnancy from sleep hell that makes me exhausted all the time anyway, I am so emotional I can hardly stand it. I was never alone, so my emotions never caught up with me until I sat down.
I realized why I am filled with regret and dread over this new lifestyle I have adopted. It is so far out of my comfort zone it has a new zipcode. Also, the apartment is considerably smaller than the unit I'm leaving. It has its own unique benefits that make it all worth it and I am excited about it, but its very different than how I was raised.
The smaller apartment also means there is just room for me and my now smaller family. I no longer have room in my bed or life for my prince charming. The short bedroom ceilings and shower means he really won't be coming back to me. Maybe it sounds silly, but at my old unit, I could cling to the life we were building together. Moving here is like I'm really moving on with my life without him. The reality of being a single mom again, and now with a new baby on the way, really sunk in today. Hence the sobbing.
I really miss him today tho. I found a few of his things while packing yesterday and I just hugged them. A hat I made him for riding his motorcycle, his favorite flip flops, the cd to the mp3 player we bought together on an amazing day, and a shirt of his I used to wear with only panties on. I found out that he has been wearing the other hat I made for him often, and I'm happy and yet heart broken about it at the same time. And they are quickly back to their owner via the friend.
That's the other thing about this new place. I'm next door to a great friend, which is awesome. But I met that great friend thru him, and I get he will always come in her life first. The choice between us is always him. And now that he chose out of a family, he relies on his friends for entertainment, which means that he is spending a lot more time with her than he ever did when we were together. Cue the jealousy. On both ends. But I hear about him. And he spends time at her place. There is no avoiding him while I am linked with her. I'm dreading the time that I run over to her house for support in a crying spell and I run into him, making it all so much worse.
Or even worse. The first time Bug sees him or even just his truck. I can't stop the tears just thinking about it.
I miss him. But I miss the real him. I have a reoccuring dream where him and I are standing face to face. The same secret pain in his eyes that he refuses to talk to me about. He tells me his misses me and I tell him I missed him too. He stops me and says, "No, I miss YOU." as he places his palm to my sacred heart space. I just look at him confused. Every time I wake up from that dream, I feel lost. I totally get how I haven't showed up as who I truly am when I am in contact with him. I am incapable of giving him the unconditional love he craves because I do not possess it first. I am confused by the dream because I consciously crave for him to show up as who he truly is, so why do I dream that it is him asking for that from me? Maybe it has to do with how perfect of mirrors we are to each other.
Or maybe I get what I have always wanted in that dream. I get him actually asking for and WANTING the real me. I get that acceptance from him for who I am, and not just the behaviors or images he likes. In my dream, he actually SEES me and isn't trying to change me.
I know there are specific lessons I am meant to learn from this part of my life. I'm not quite sure what they are, but I can feel that they are the biggest lessons of my life so far.
I asked a friend what she did when she was in similar situations. A day later she offered me an unfinished studio apartment in her building with a part time job, basically working for my rent. It was only concrete floors and drywall walls, on the corner of a car museum warehouse.
I took it that night, and the next night I dropped $250 on paint and flooring to finish the apartment. The following next 2 nights were spent priming, painting, and laying flooring until the sun came up, almost. She, her boyfriend, and her daughter all pitched in amazing support to get my new home livable. I started packing everything up and currently have the large things moved into the new place. Several loads still left to do and pack, but I took a much needed rest today.
My body has put up with a lot from me over the last 4 days. Painting, especially the ceiling, and flooring truly worked every muscle in my body. Then packing, bending and lifting my belongings into boxes. I also have only had about 5 hours of sleep each night, while still taking care of my tired and lonely 3 year old.
I still have a lot to pack and move before I can thoroughly wipe out the apartment well enough to get my deposit back. I am stressed about how much is still left to do, especially since I work solo at the new job on Monday without much training. I have Sunday and part of Tuesday to finish my moving trip.
I am also stressed because I do not have constant income any more. When I use my bank account dry, I no longer have the reassurance that in a few days it will be replenished. I definately get that this a huge part of the lessons the universe has given me to learn from this experience.
Between the stress and lack of sleep and physical labor for 3 days straight, plus the pregnancy from sleep hell that makes me exhausted all the time anyway, I am so emotional I can hardly stand it. I was never alone, so my emotions never caught up with me until I sat down.
I realized why I am filled with regret and dread over this new lifestyle I have adopted. It is so far out of my comfort zone it has a new zipcode. Also, the apartment is considerably smaller than the unit I'm leaving. It has its own unique benefits that make it all worth it and I am excited about it, but its very different than how I was raised.
The smaller apartment also means there is just room for me and my now smaller family. I no longer have room in my bed or life for my prince charming. The short bedroom ceilings and shower means he really won't be coming back to me. Maybe it sounds silly, but at my old unit, I could cling to the life we were building together. Moving here is like I'm really moving on with my life without him. The reality of being a single mom again, and now with a new baby on the way, really sunk in today. Hence the sobbing.
I really miss him today tho. I found a few of his things while packing yesterday and I just hugged them. A hat I made him for riding his motorcycle, his favorite flip flops, the cd to the mp3 player we bought together on an amazing day, and a shirt of his I used to wear with only panties on. I found out that he has been wearing the other hat I made for him often, and I'm happy and yet heart broken about it at the same time. And they are quickly back to their owner via the friend.
That's the other thing about this new place. I'm next door to a great friend, which is awesome. But I met that great friend thru him, and I get he will always come in her life first. The choice between us is always him. And now that he chose out of a family, he relies on his friends for entertainment, which means that he is spending a lot more time with her than he ever did when we were together. Cue the jealousy. On both ends. But I hear about him. And he spends time at her place. There is no avoiding him while I am linked with her. I'm dreading the time that I run over to her house for support in a crying spell and I run into him, making it all so much worse.
Or even worse. The first time Bug sees him or even just his truck. I can't stop the tears just thinking about it.
I miss him. But I miss the real him. I have a reoccuring dream where him and I are standing face to face. The same secret pain in his eyes that he refuses to talk to me about. He tells me his misses me and I tell him I missed him too. He stops me and says, "No, I miss YOU." as he places his palm to my sacred heart space. I just look at him confused. Every time I wake up from that dream, I feel lost. I totally get how I haven't showed up as who I truly am when I am in contact with him. I am incapable of giving him the unconditional love he craves because I do not possess it first. I am confused by the dream because I consciously crave for him to show up as who he truly is, so why do I dream that it is him asking for that from me? Maybe it has to do with how perfect of mirrors we are to each other.
Or maybe I get what I have always wanted in that dream. I get him actually asking for and WANTING the real me. I get that acceptance from him for who I am, and not just the behaviors or images he likes. In my dream, he actually SEES me and isn't trying to change me.
I know there are specific lessons I am meant to learn from this part of my life. I'm not quite sure what they are, but I can feel that they are the biggest lessons of my life so far.
September 15, 2009
Beauty
"We see things not as they are but as we are."
-John Milton
It feels good to look into the mirror again and see me.
It feels even better to look at those I have been so upset with, and realize that all I was seeing in them is the exact things I didnt want to see in myself! When I truly see myself as I was meant to be, it becomes easier to see the beauty of those around me.
Also, clarity on the word "beautiful." I do not mean the superficial features of appearances that make a person attractive to me. When I say you are beautiful, I mean that your soul is absolutely amazing to behold, unconditionally.
-John Milton
It feels good to look into the mirror again and see me.
It feels even better to look at those I have been so upset with, and realize that all I was seeing in them is the exact things I didnt want to see in myself! When I truly see myself as I was meant to be, it becomes easier to see the beauty of those around me.
Also, clarity on the word "beautiful." I do not mean the superficial features of appearances that make a person attractive to me. When I say you are beautiful, I mean that your soul is absolutely amazing to behold, unconditionally.
White in Shining Armor
One cold, lonely night I sat on the floor of a Barnes and Noble with my typical hot chocolate. I went in to get a book about poetry styles and writing poetry. I was still in my post-birthday disappointment with many sad and angry words flowing out of me. I hoped that if I had a reference I would get over my opposition to writing it all down.
I ended up in the self-help relationship section with several books pulled off the shelves and spread around me. I get now the real reason I was in that shop that night. I ignored the looks of the other customers and refused the assistance of the staff. Yes, I was looking for something specific but I dont know what it is yet. I would read the back, introduction and a random passage of every book I pulled off the shelf, and inevitably put it back or in a "maybe if I dont find anything better" pile. As I pulled out a huge book, I finally saw a small one hidden beside it. It was beautiful. It was Mecca.
Real Love by Greg Baer
Within the first 4 pages, I knew this was a powerful yet pure novel on my life. I knew that I get to share this book with someone with whom I could discuss intimate details about my life. I went back to buy a second copy for Mr Hot and Cold (who at the time was talking about wanting to hang out together). I had purchased the book in 10 minutes flat, as the book was now on display.
Waiting for him to decide if he even wanted to read the book with me was excruciating. I wanted to read more, but didnt want to get too far ahead of him. He became Mr Permafrost so I eventually told him that if was not going to read the book with me, please just give the book back so I can find someone else to read with. He hadnt even started it. Oh, but the day I ask for it back, he asks if he can start reading it until he has gas money to bring the book back. Smooth.
I went ahead and started reading the book without anyone yet, but the margins are full of comments, thoughts and reactions. Ask me to write a response paper on this book? I could do a 5 page paper per chapter so far! Im only 4 chapters in, but it has already offered invaluable insight into my life that I did not receive from self-reflection or Impact. I always knew there was a reason I did the things I did when I felt alone and insignificant, and now I get it. I also get that even tho I stopped the most dangerous behaviors after I left my marriage (loose sex, super venomous comments, yelling and screaming, manipulation, and over all mind-fucking everyone around me), I had not cured my core. I was using other forms of attacking and running to fill that lack of true love in my life, and when things got really bad, I subconsciously slipped back into the person I thought I left behind. I totally get why I did that now, and that is exciting for me!
I now also have insanely cool insight into why my relationship with Mr Hot and Cold has not been working, and why I fell in love with him in the first place. Its comforting to know that the steps the author outlines work; its how my relationship with him started. But we didnt continue to love each other unconditionally after we got a hint of fear and pain, reminding us of our pasts, and the relationship became a struggle. The only way to heal our relationship would be unconditional love, and therefore forgiveness. I also get that he fell out of love with me a long time ago, and while painful to realize, its strangely calming to have that piece fall into place. Perhaps, that is exactly the next step necessary so we can truly and deeply fall into love.
Ive been able to offer forgiveness to myself for the way I have shown up in all the relationships in my life. I had a basic understanding when I went thru the Trainings but in reading this book, I have been able to get specific about my life and each relationship. I also get why others have shown up the way they have. At first, I was still very hurt by the ways people used me and manipulated me. Slowly it began to sink in that it was unintentional, just as my manipulation was not intended to hurt. Hell, I couldnt even see how I was using manipulation to feel the power and safety missing in my life.
Its not like I wasnt willing to look at myself. I would look hard and evaluate my life and actions, but I couldnt SEE or RECOGNIZE the way I was seeking love or protecting myself. And I get that I didnt see or recognize it until the perfect moment. When I would look deep inside myself, I knew I was unhappy but didnt know why, and I would just get confused. It was like looking at a 3D movie without the glasses. I KNEW there was more on the screen than what I was seeing, but did not figure it out until I got the glasses. It took committed action, seeking out more ideas until I found truth.
As it sinks in more and more that he didnt intentionally hurt me, that it just happened as he was desperately seeking love and protection, it becomes easier to forgive him as well. Ive been searching for months for a way to forgive him, and as my heart softens, my heart is filled with compassion for him. Looking back, its so clear now the ways he was asking for love. When I couldnt give it to him, he began to protect himself and was unable to give me the love I was desperate for in return.
An analogy Baer uses hit me hard right in the center of my chest. I really was the yellow paint, and Mr Hot and Cold was the blue. No matter how much I want a pink relationship, we just kept making green. Sure, we could make several different shades depending on how much each of us put into it, but it was never pink. I get to change. I get to be red and search for my white. Not just any white, but a white that wants to make a pink relationship as well. Even if I change and be red paint, if I mix with his blue paint, we will make a purple relationship. Its closer, sure, but not the heaven and love we both want and deserve. Im still open to him being my white in shining armor. But its time I really truly let go of his blue.
Now if only there was a way to keep me from dreaming of him. Damn vivid pregnancy dreams.
I ended up in the self-help relationship section with several books pulled off the shelves and spread around me. I get now the real reason I was in that shop that night. I ignored the looks of the other customers and refused the assistance of the staff. Yes, I was looking for something specific but I dont know what it is yet. I would read the back, introduction and a random passage of every book I pulled off the shelf, and inevitably put it back or in a "maybe if I dont find anything better" pile. As I pulled out a huge book, I finally saw a small one hidden beside it. It was beautiful. It was Mecca.
Real Love by Greg Baer
Within the first 4 pages, I knew this was a powerful yet pure novel on my life. I knew that I get to share this book with someone with whom I could discuss intimate details about my life. I went back to buy a second copy for Mr Hot and Cold (who at the time was talking about wanting to hang out together). I had purchased the book in 10 minutes flat, as the book was now on display.
Waiting for him to decide if he even wanted to read the book with me was excruciating. I wanted to read more, but didnt want to get too far ahead of him. He became Mr Permafrost so I eventually told him that if was not going to read the book with me, please just give the book back so I can find someone else to read with. He hadnt even started it. Oh, but the day I ask for it back, he asks if he can start reading it until he has gas money to bring the book back. Smooth.
I went ahead and started reading the book without anyone yet, but the margins are full of comments, thoughts and reactions. Ask me to write a response paper on this book? I could do a 5 page paper per chapter so far! Im only 4 chapters in, but it has already offered invaluable insight into my life that I did not receive from self-reflection or Impact. I always knew there was a reason I did the things I did when I felt alone and insignificant, and now I get it. I also get that even tho I stopped the most dangerous behaviors after I left my marriage (loose sex, super venomous comments, yelling and screaming, manipulation, and over all mind-fucking everyone around me), I had not cured my core. I was using other forms of attacking and running to fill that lack of true love in my life, and when things got really bad, I subconsciously slipped back into the person I thought I left behind. I totally get why I did that now, and that is exciting for me!
I now also have insanely cool insight into why my relationship with Mr Hot and Cold has not been working, and why I fell in love with him in the first place. Its comforting to know that the steps the author outlines work; its how my relationship with him started. But we didnt continue to love each other unconditionally after we got a hint of fear and pain, reminding us of our pasts, and the relationship became a struggle. The only way to heal our relationship would be unconditional love, and therefore forgiveness. I also get that he fell out of love with me a long time ago, and while painful to realize, its strangely calming to have that piece fall into place. Perhaps, that is exactly the next step necessary so we can truly and deeply fall into love.
Ive been able to offer forgiveness to myself for the way I have shown up in all the relationships in my life. I had a basic understanding when I went thru the Trainings but in reading this book, I have been able to get specific about my life and each relationship. I also get why others have shown up the way they have. At first, I was still very hurt by the ways people used me and manipulated me. Slowly it began to sink in that it was unintentional, just as my manipulation was not intended to hurt. Hell, I couldnt even see how I was using manipulation to feel the power and safety missing in my life.
Its not like I wasnt willing to look at myself. I would look hard and evaluate my life and actions, but I couldnt SEE or RECOGNIZE the way I was seeking love or protecting myself. And I get that I didnt see or recognize it until the perfect moment. When I would look deep inside myself, I knew I was unhappy but didnt know why, and I would just get confused. It was like looking at a 3D movie without the glasses. I KNEW there was more on the screen than what I was seeing, but did not figure it out until I got the glasses. It took committed action, seeking out more ideas until I found truth.
As it sinks in more and more that he didnt intentionally hurt me, that it just happened as he was desperately seeking love and protection, it becomes easier to forgive him as well. Ive been searching for months for a way to forgive him, and as my heart softens, my heart is filled with compassion for him. Looking back, its so clear now the ways he was asking for love. When I couldnt give it to him, he began to protect himself and was unable to give me the love I was desperate for in return.
An analogy Baer uses hit me hard right in the center of my chest. I really was the yellow paint, and Mr Hot and Cold was the blue. No matter how much I want a pink relationship, we just kept making green. Sure, we could make several different shades depending on how much each of us put into it, but it was never pink. I get to change. I get to be red and search for my white. Not just any white, but a white that wants to make a pink relationship as well. Even if I change and be red paint, if I mix with his blue paint, we will make a purple relationship. Its closer, sure, but not the heaven and love we both want and deserve. Im still open to him being my white in shining armor. But its time I really truly let go of his blue.
Now if only there was a way to keep me from dreaming of him. Damn vivid pregnancy dreams.
September 12, 2009
Lets See If Its True..
Ive been having a really rough time lately. Im pregnant, and that complicates everything else. Mr Hot and Cold really stepped over a line and I have not had much contact with him since. I lost my job the same day, and I do not understand AT ALL the reasons behind the termination. I feel singled out, betrayed, and unheard. My dad still refuses to just accept my decisions and is still trying to control my life thru expressing his constant disappointment.
I have wanted friends and support in a way I never have before. After all, Im not meant to go thru this alone, right? I want my friends to come together and offer me a place to crash when Im afraid to be home alone. I want them to just listen to all my woes and cry with me. So where are they?
Most are just caught up in their own lives. I get people are busy. I get they have kids of their own. I get that their other friends want them around too. Really, I know all of this. But if I had a friend come to me and say, Look, I really deserve a friend right now. Im getting really depressed and scared and lonely and just want a couple hours of your time, I dont think I could morally turn them away.
I miss my friends. I miss the family I used to think I was a part of. I miss bullshitting about nothing until the middle of the night out in the summer air. I miss making a gourmet meal and having people over, talking long after the food is gone. And I dont get to have that anymore. He claims that peice of my life because they are truly HIS friends and family.
But I asked for assistance with specific things that I truly deserve a lot of assistance with. Im so tired and weak that larger tasks like laundry get left in baskets. I am so nauseous that I cannot do dishes without throwing up 3 or 4 times, leaving me even more weak and tired. The house is disgusting and I hate being home because of it. And I was promised assistance from a few, and none have followed thru.
So I have lowered my expectations and simply asked for ANY type of socializing I could get. The answer was yes, but they also acknowledged putting me on the back burner. So I cried. Everytime I thought about the message I cried. I am so sad and hurt by the message.
I immediately kick into ego-mind and get upset and angry that I was put on the back burner. Dammit why does no one treat me as a priority?!? Am I really that worthless to the people I love? And yes, frankly I am. I am not a priority to them, and that isnt really a reason to get angry. I totally get that because I am not important to them, it resonated in me and found a like energy, because I feel that I am not important. I am not worthy of the love and attention I deserve.
But I know that is negative self-talk that I am allowing myself to believe. And as long as I continue to believe that, I will be miserable and upset at everyone else that does not treat me as important enough for their time. That is not living as who I was meant to be.
My ego-mind also started telling me that I was ridiculous for being hurt by her message. After all, I already knew that I had been "set aside," why should it upset me to see it confirmed? But it did, and I get to just let those emotions serve their purpose right now. My heart understands that there IS a difference in just thinking I had been set aside and actually being told it. Basically, even tho I thought it, I was begging the universe to give me false hope and proof that it wasnt true. Please, tell me I was wrong and I really am the most important thing in the world to her and this was all just a big misunderstanding!
But it was true. And I get to just let go and accept that I will not always be the most important thing to everyone. I want so badly to be the most important thing to just one man. But then, I guess we should all be the most important thing to ourselves. The problem in that concept has been proven by Mr Hot and Cold several times, and that is selfishness. Everyone focused on themselves and getting what THEY want, and never considering or assisting a friend or neighbor. Constantly looking at "Whats in it for me?"
This has been a question heavy on my mind lately. Where is the line between ignoring yourself and your own best interest and being completely selfish? How can a person be outwardly focused on other people's best interests and still keep their stick?
The best I have come up with so far is that once a person is truly secure in themselves, they stop worrying about other people taking advantage of them. Keeping their stick is easy, because they do not do things that will cause them spiritual harm, and especially because they are so stable that few things really could cause them spiritual harm.
Go ahead! Try to take advantage of me but I will keep doing these things for you because I love you and I want the best for you. When I am unable to keep doing them, I will stop and not feel guilty. I do these things for you because I am thinking solely about you, and I do not expect gratitude, appreciation, or that you "owe me one." I am completely unconditional. And therefore, it is impossible for you to take advantage of me.
I get that I have not been unconditional with my friends. I have been very hurt by their absense in my life when I desire them in it the most. And the pain has been a teacher for me. I dont get to shut down and hold a grudge against them for not being there. I will continue to be there for them because I want to and I do not expect gratitude or reciprocation. My theory is that if I am unconditional, I will not feel taken advantage of or deserted. Lets see if its true...
I have wanted friends and support in a way I never have before. After all, Im not meant to go thru this alone, right? I want my friends to come together and offer me a place to crash when Im afraid to be home alone. I want them to just listen to all my woes and cry with me. So where are they?
Most are just caught up in their own lives. I get people are busy. I get they have kids of their own. I get that their other friends want them around too. Really, I know all of this. But if I had a friend come to me and say, Look, I really deserve a friend right now. Im getting really depressed and scared and lonely and just want a couple hours of your time, I dont think I could morally turn them away.
I miss my friends. I miss the family I used to think I was a part of. I miss bullshitting about nothing until the middle of the night out in the summer air. I miss making a gourmet meal and having people over, talking long after the food is gone. And I dont get to have that anymore. He claims that peice of my life because they are truly HIS friends and family.
But I asked for assistance with specific things that I truly deserve a lot of assistance with. Im so tired and weak that larger tasks like laundry get left in baskets. I am so nauseous that I cannot do dishes without throwing up 3 or 4 times, leaving me even more weak and tired. The house is disgusting and I hate being home because of it. And I was promised assistance from a few, and none have followed thru.
So I have lowered my expectations and simply asked for ANY type of socializing I could get. The answer was yes, but they also acknowledged putting me on the back burner. So I cried. Everytime I thought about the message I cried. I am so sad and hurt by the message.
I immediately kick into ego-mind and get upset and angry that I was put on the back burner. Dammit why does no one treat me as a priority?!? Am I really that worthless to the people I love? And yes, frankly I am. I am not a priority to them, and that isnt really a reason to get angry. I totally get that because I am not important to them, it resonated in me and found a like energy, because I feel that I am not important. I am not worthy of the love and attention I deserve.
But I know that is negative self-talk that I am allowing myself to believe. And as long as I continue to believe that, I will be miserable and upset at everyone else that does not treat me as important enough for their time. That is not living as who I was meant to be.
My ego-mind also started telling me that I was ridiculous for being hurt by her message. After all, I already knew that I had been "set aside," why should it upset me to see it confirmed? But it did, and I get to just let those emotions serve their purpose right now. My heart understands that there IS a difference in just thinking I had been set aside and actually being told it. Basically, even tho I thought it, I was begging the universe to give me false hope and proof that it wasnt true. Please, tell me I was wrong and I really am the most important thing in the world to her and this was all just a big misunderstanding!
But it was true. And I get to just let go and accept that I will not always be the most important thing to everyone. I want so badly to be the most important thing to just one man. But then, I guess we should all be the most important thing to ourselves. The problem in that concept has been proven by Mr Hot and Cold several times, and that is selfishness. Everyone focused on themselves and getting what THEY want, and never considering or assisting a friend or neighbor. Constantly looking at "Whats in it for me?"
This has been a question heavy on my mind lately. Where is the line between ignoring yourself and your own best interest and being completely selfish? How can a person be outwardly focused on other people's best interests and still keep their stick?
The best I have come up with so far is that once a person is truly secure in themselves, they stop worrying about other people taking advantage of them. Keeping their stick is easy, because they do not do things that will cause them spiritual harm, and especially because they are so stable that few things really could cause them spiritual harm.
Go ahead! Try to take advantage of me but I will keep doing these things for you because I love you and I want the best for you. When I am unable to keep doing them, I will stop and not feel guilty. I do these things for you because I am thinking solely about you, and I do not expect gratitude, appreciation, or that you "owe me one." I am completely unconditional. And therefore, it is impossible for you to take advantage of me.
I get that I have not been unconditional with my friends. I have been very hurt by their absense in my life when I desire them in it the most. And the pain has been a teacher for me. I dont get to shut down and hold a grudge against them for not being there. I will continue to be there for them because I want to and I do not expect gratitude or reciprocation. My theory is that if I am unconditional, I will not feel taken advantage of or deserted. Lets see if its true...
September 8, 2009
Silence Says It All
I wrote this poem back in March of 2009 and it just keeps haunting me. I re-live writing it and crying. I remember the emotions that circulated me and the man I wrote it for. He is a man of silence, and I wish I could hear this in his whisper again. This time is not like the time that this was written, no matter how hard I wish it to be so. I am publishing this poem so I may release it. May it no longer sneak up and remind me of the Love we once shared.
Silence Says It All
That one long pause;
The subtle sigh.
I can hear the
Tear in your eye.
Love crying on;
Our life on hold.
I ache for you;
My soul so tolled.
Express your heart!
My ears do yearn!
Words in your throat
Begin to burn.
Did dreamers make.
The choice was yours
To leave or bide.
Disappointment
I could not hide.
Yet.
I knew intent;
No words needed.
Heard it all tho
Minds were heeded.
I love you too.
Silence Says It All
That one long pause;
The subtle sigh.
I can hear the
Tear in your eye.
Love crying on;
Our life on hold.
I ache for you;
My soul so tolled.
Express your heart!
My ears do yearn!
Words in your throat
Begin to burn.
My spirit leapt;
Hope did partake.
Yet silent waitDid dreamers make.
The choice was yours
To leave or bide.
Disappointment
I could not hide.
Yet.
I knew intent;
No words needed.
Heard it all tho
Minds were heeded.
I love you too.
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