I had a really amazing experience today. It was spent as most days during this vacation were: sitting at my parents house, exhausted thru to my core as I build a life in my womb, just enjoying the company around me. My sister closest in age to me is off at college for another year and the whole family decided to go down and see her dorm room and visit her. A car ride where Bug could sleep and I didn’t have to drive or do anything? Im so in. We arrived at her new flat and met a few sleepy roommates, and I suggested a late late lunch.
I haven’t been out to dinner with my family in a very long time. 3 years ago, I went out with them every single weekend. I really haven’t ENJOYED my family much the last few years because I felt judged and unaccepted. Ive been finally taking the steps to heal and reunite our relationships. I finally realized it was ME that was holding out and judging them. Now, I at least can say I have a relationship with my parents and sisters, which is progress. I had a huge emotional breakdown about my life in front of them last week, and that seemed to give them the permission they wanted to become involved in my life.
Dinner with them was very comfortable. The topic of conversation lately has been all the things I would try to convince my sister to do. I cut her hair when I was 5, shortly after receiving a toy barber shop set at Christmas. I made her believe she was invisible, and she still got caught taking sweets from the kitchen and bringing them back to our bedroom. I used to make her all sorts of culinary masterpieces, the main ingredient being dirt. Tonight, she remembered the sand slushy I made for her and was trying to convince her to drink it. I was a very imaginative kid, and I swear, I only had the best of intentions. I suppose this is what reminded my mom of how special I show up sometimes.
Bug’s birthday is coming up soon and he is very definite about the theme already. I was discussing with my mom the places that we could go and do a large, combined party with all of his family and friends. The whole family started remembering different birthday parties-most of them involving me. I remembered being at the old Jungle Jims for my cousin’s birthday and catching my toe on a slide, spraining it so bad I cried for hours and could not walk. I still remember the perpetrator: the yellow tube slide with the blue mat underneath it.
My sister remembered my birthday party at DZ because back in the day, it was the bomb-hizzie. My mom remembered how huge and fun it was for the entire extended family. I remembered telling my grandpa that he was too WIDE to go in the tubes and slide on the slides. Did I mention I absolutely was authentic and honest at my core? I didn’t understand that I had hurt his feelings, and he felt challenged to prove that he could make it everywhere I could. He got stuck. Literally, almost cartoon-like, stuck in the tube. Looking back now, I bet that was tragic and humiliating for him. Still, I laugh.
My 5th birthday at DZ was legendary. I even got a separate room to eat cake in, and we learned a silly dance called The Banana Dance. I got a crown and danced on my chair with our amazing and beautiful hostess. I was QUEEN! Better! I was the BIRTHDAY GIRL!!!
This was at a time in our lives where money was not a luxury. My dad went thru several jobs and unemployment checks in this time after being laid off. This birthday means even more to me because I realize that now. Back then, I had no clue. I was carefree! I didn’t have a worry in the world. I ran and jumped and played and danced on chairs with my whole heart. And boy, did I love to dance. I danced with my dad every Saturday morning in the front room of our tiny trailer, the stereo blasting some god-awful 80’s tunes. I danced to the music in the Polly Pocket or Barbie commercials.
On the drive back to my parents house, I was tickling Bug so he would move along with the music on the radio while I was quietly singing along. My mom commented on how I knew all the “Movin’ music” and that she thinks of me every time she listens to that specific radio station. She brought up a time about a year ago when I came up to visit my family. They were camping in some middle of nowhere mountain spot without any neighbors. The radio was cranked up really loudly and the family was sitting in the trailer keeping warm. An old song came on, possibly even a Michael Jackson hit, and I went for it.
I was dancing and singing without any inhibitions. I cant even remember what exactly I was doing, but I got my self-conscious family to join in with me. The freedom I felt at that moment was exactly how I felt doing that Banana Dance with my crown. I truly am still that 5 year old girl at my core. I was absolutely BEING who I am meant to be, and I inspired my family to release their fears as well. Trust me when I say that this was not a common occurrence, not since I was very young.
Perhaps that is why it had such a profound impact on my mom. Her face lit up like the sun had just come out of the clouds. She smiled so warmly as she remembered ME. Remembered what I had done and what I had brought to her. I knew this without her speaking it. I knew she was grateful for me showing up as the genuine, authentic, special Spirit I am. She remembers me dancing every time she listens to the radio station. She remembers how she felt when I danced.
Today was the first time I truly felt like someone was grateful for and appreciated the person I am deep down. I don’t live on contract near as much as those around me deserve, but when I did, I touched her heart. I am so honored and amazed that I caused those feelings in someone else. ME. I did. It blows me away that I was the one and only one who caused that specific experience for her. I really am that special to her. She APPRECIATES the real me! I feel truly accepted and loved, and I know that this experience could not have happened if I had not been recently working on being grateful for the person I am, loving and accepting who I am.
I have craved for someone to verbalize a recognition of the beauty within me. Today, as my mom did, I realized how little I verbalize that recognition for the beauty within those around me. I appreciate and value the true, loving spirit in all those around me, and I hardly ever tell them. So you, as you read this, please feel my love and appreciation for you. Feel me stroke the soft lines in your face and see your beauty radiating. Feel my arms around you as we embrace. Feel the tears fall off my cheeks as I am overcome by my love for you. Feel my heart reach out and touch yours. Feel how full it is with acceptance and trust and gratitude. I am grateful for the person you are. I am so grateful for the journey you are on. I am forever grateful that your journey has crossed roads with mine and that I got to experience you in your magnificence. Thank you allowing me into your heart and into your life. Thank you for the divine gifts you have given so graciously to me. You truly are special. I love YOU.
I am still amazed at what I call into my space as send that vibration out into the Universe. As I write this, Bug grabbed me in a tight embrace and told me, “I am glad you are here.” I made today a very special day. Perfect end to my vacation.
August 30, 2009
August 25, 2009
Hello, Freedom, I Missed You
"I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do."
-Edward Everett Hale
I am absolutely a powerful woman and creator. I know this. But I have been taking it too far lately.. I have this idea that because I am powerful, I create EVERYTHING around me. I am RESPONSIBLE for other people's choices. He wont talk to me about anything personal, deep, or meaningful. He wouldnt while we were supposedly "happy." What a sham. So what do I do? What I have always done.
I get hurt, and immediately blame myself. It must be my FAULT that he wont talk to me. And he feeds that negative self-talk. I go over every comment and action that I could have possibly done that created him feeling like he could not talk to me. I completely over-look the fact that it is HIS feelings. HE is the one choosing to be shut down, and no matter what I do, his choice is his choice. I can (and have) begged, pleaded, cried, shut down, opened back up, and done everything I could think of to INSPIRE him to LET ME IN! BRING BACK THAT CLOSENESS WE HAD! Yet, it will always be his choice.
I cannot save him. I cannot make him do anything-a reality that many people have reminded me of lately. I cannot make him open up to me, I cannot make him live on contract, I cannot make him BE who he really is. Frankly, when I want to make him do anything, I am not accepting him and his crap. Way to be conditional there, babe. I love the real him. I am not loving his baggage and process.
Only when I can accept that he will be a cranky, closed off statue off and on thruout the rest of his life, is when we would ever work. And that would only happen when I am secure enough and do not rely upon him opening up to me anymore. I am a powerful creator. I am definately ONE. But Im not meant to do everything. I can live my life on contract, living for ME first and foremost, and that is all I can do. The things I cannot make him do, they do not define me, for the first time. Oh hello, Freedom. I missed you.
-Edward Everett Hale
I am absolutely a powerful woman and creator. I know this. But I have been taking it too far lately.. I have this idea that because I am powerful, I create EVERYTHING around me. I am RESPONSIBLE for other people's choices. He wont talk to me about anything personal, deep, or meaningful. He wouldnt while we were supposedly "happy." What a sham. So what do I do? What I have always done.
I get hurt, and immediately blame myself. It must be my FAULT that he wont talk to me. And he feeds that negative self-talk. I go over every comment and action that I could have possibly done that created him feeling like he could not talk to me. I completely over-look the fact that it is HIS feelings. HE is the one choosing to be shut down, and no matter what I do, his choice is his choice. I can (and have) begged, pleaded, cried, shut down, opened back up, and done everything I could think of to INSPIRE him to LET ME IN! BRING BACK THAT CLOSENESS WE HAD! Yet, it will always be his choice.
I cannot save him. I cannot make him do anything-a reality that many people have reminded me of lately. I cannot make him open up to me, I cannot make him live on contract, I cannot make him BE who he really is. Frankly, when I want to make him do anything, I am not accepting him and his crap. Way to be conditional there, babe. I love the real him. I am not loving his baggage and process.
Only when I can accept that he will be a cranky, closed off statue off and on thruout the rest of his life, is when we would ever work. And that would only happen when I am secure enough and do not rely upon him opening up to me anymore. I am a powerful creator. I am definately ONE. But Im not meant to do everything. I can live my life on contract, living for ME first and foremost, and that is all I can do. The things I cannot make him do, they do not define me, for the first time. Oh hello, Freedom. I missed you.
August 21, 2009
Pissed With A Capital P
I was angry last night. Hours after posting last, I got some news that Pissed me off, yes, with a capital P and all. I got another confirmation, another peice of evidence, pointing to the doubt that lingered constantly around me like bad perfume. That I am not worthy of being cared about. That is what it all comes down to, I feel like I am not worthy of love.
So when he gave me that extra peice, that tip of the pile of reasons, I got mad. More angry than I had been in my entire life. EVER. If you would have seen me in my marriage, you would know why that anger is so extreme and overwhelming. I was so angry, I literally wanted to build nuclear weapons and bomb any country that he liked. I was so upset, I wanted to ram any car off the road that had certain letters spelling his name in it. Like I said, I have never been so furious. **Clarification-I WANTED to do those things but never would. Im much too sane to actually do anything like that. Just like Im too sane to paint my entire naked body to fade into a wall, I want to, but never ever would.
You want to know what he said that was so appauling to me? That after waiting a whole day AND another night while he talked to everyone but me, I would have to wait a whole other day and possibly night before he would talk to me about our relationship.
He has his reasons, excuses, and justifications. Frankly, he did what works for him. And SURPRISE, it didnt work for me. Yet, I know its the reason that it didnt work for me that matters.
He got things his way again, and I never get things mine. There is no compromise in the relationship. When I never get it my way, my ego-mind jumps in and says "HA! TOLD YOU TOLD YOU TOLD YOU! You arent worthy of love, you arent even worth enough to have things the way you want even ONCE!" I felt despair, pity, and desperation. And I dont like feeling that way.
So I turned to a very common avoidance technique I use-ANGER. If Im angry at him, then I dont have to feel all the bad built up feelings. And if Im angry at him, then he is bad, sick, and WRONG and I am the poor, poor victim again. I knew that I was coping and avoiding when I was angry. I knew it right away. But I knew that I wouldnt be able to shift out of that anger if I saw him and he kept denying me the conversation about our relationship that I deserve. I was afraid I would yell nasty things at him or that me being closed off would cause another fight. Neither of those options were a healthy choice, so I chose to not see him instead. Which pissed him off again. SIGH. He is always mad at me for something or the other.
But I felt healthy for the first time in a long time taking the space I deserved. I am so proud of myself for recognizing the potential emotional danger I would be putting myself in by allowing myself to be in contact with him.
I absolutely continued that feeling of being healthy the next night. SURPRISE, he was angry again, and I felt myself being transported back into that basement room I spent so many teenage years in crying. I was the little girl, being demanded to give exact details and report to my father who was a few inches from my face, yelling spitting and threatening me. It was a game my dad played often, and when he started playing it, I recognized it. I will say that again, in caps, because it was that huge for me: I RECOGNIZED IT. I recognized the space I was in. I recognized that I was the one who created that comparision. I do not blame him at all for it.
BUT I RECOGNIZED IT! and I knew that if I were to play the game with him, just as I had done with my dad, I would treat him as if he were my dad, which is not fair to either of us. So I chose to not be in that game. I asked for time and patience so that I could clear myself and get back to a positive space to be able to speak with him. I was BEING HEALTHY! (I am still doing a joyous dance to celebrate my success) I took that space that I deserved, and instead of him respecting my wishes, I got harassment instead. I was threatened because I took time to myself to be healthy.
That night was a terror. I have never felt so scared and belittled in my entire life. Yes, scared. Terrified. Horrified. I pulled the couch in front of the door when we finally went home and to sleep. I closed the blinds, stuck hangers in the window so they could not be opened, and slept on the floor in the least accessable room in the place, phone ready to dial 911. I was terrified. The venom and hatred in the voice on the other end of the phone seared to my deepest core. And when I heard "Shut the Fuck Up!" it quite literally knocked the air out of my entire body. So I again chose to be healthy and not hear those things said to me.
I get that I am sensitive. Frankly, I have come to just accept that about myself. I am so tired of keeping up the facade that nothing can hurt me. Those things do hurt, and they do scare me, and Im finished pretending they dont. I am working on LOVING my sensitivity as a genuine, beautiful thing about me. As I do, I FEEL HEALTHY! And I love feeling that way.
So when he gave me that extra peice, that tip of the pile of reasons, I got mad. More angry than I had been in my entire life. EVER. If you would have seen me in my marriage, you would know why that anger is so extreme and overwhelming. I was so angry, I literally wanted to build nuclear weapons and bomb any country that he liked. I was so upset, I wanted to ram any car off the road that had certain letters spelling his name in it. Like I said, I have never been so furious. **Clarification-I WANTED to do those things but never would. Im much too sane to actually do anything like that. Just like Im too sane to paint my entire naked body to fade into a wall, I want to, but never ever would.
You want to know what he said that was so appauling to me? That after waiting a whole day AND another night while he talked to everyone but me, I would have to wait a whole other day and possibly night before he would talk to me about our relationship.
He has his reasons, excuses, and justifications. Frankly, he did what works for him. And SURPRISE, it didnt work for me. Yet, I know its the reason that it didnt work for me that matters.
He got things his way again, and I never get things mine. There is no compromise in the relationship. When I never get it my way, my ego-mind jumps in and says "HA! TOLD YOU TOLD YOU TOLD YOU! You arent worthy of love, you arent even worth enough to have things the way you want even ONCE!" I felt despair, pity, and desperation. And I dont like feeling that way.
So I turned to a very common avoidance technique I use-ANGER. If Im angry at him, then I dont have to feel all the bad built up feelings. And if Im angry at him, then he is bad, sick, and WRONG and I am the poor, poor victim again. I knew that I was coping and avoiding when I was angry. I knew it right away. But I knew that I wouldnt be able to shift out of that anger if I saw him and he kept denying me the conversation about our relationship that I deserve. I was afraid I would yell nasty things at him or that me being closed off would cause another fight. Neither of those options were a healthy choice, so I chose to not see him instead. Which pissed him off again. SIGH. He is always mad at me for something or the other.
But I felt healthy for the first time in a long time taking the space I deserved. I am so proud of myself for recognizing the potential emotional danger I would be putting myself in by allowing myself to be in contact with him.
I absolutely continued that feeling of being healthy the next night. SURPRISE, he was angry again, and I felt myself being transported back into that basement room I spent so many teenage years in crying. I was the little girl, being demanded to give exact details and report to my father who was a few inches from my face, yelling spitting and threatening me. It was a game my dad played often, and when he started playing it, I recognized it. I will say that again, in caps, because it was that huge for me: I RECOGNIZED IT. I recognized the space I was in. I recognized that I was the one who created that comparision. I do not blame him at all for it.
BUT I RECOGNIZED IT! and I knew that if I were to play the game with him, just as I had done with my dad, I would treat him as if he were my dad, which is not fair to either of us. So I chose to not be in that game. I asked for time and patience so that I could clear myself and get back to a positive space to be able to speak with him. I was BEING HEALTHY! (I am still doing a joyous dance to celebrate my success) I took that space that I deserved, and instead of him respecting my wishes, I got harassment instead. I was threatened because I took time to myself to be healthy.
That night was a terror. I have never felt so scared and belittled in my entire life. Yes, scared. Terrified. Horrified. I pulled the couch in front of the door when we finally went home and to sleep. I closed the blinds, stuck hangers in the window so they could not be opened, and slept on the floor in the least accessable room in the place, phone ready to dial 911. I was terrified. The venom and hatred in the voice on the other end of the phone seared to my deepest core. And when I heard "Shut the Fuck Up!" it quite literally knocked the air out of my entire body. So I again chose to be healthy and not hear those things said to me.
I get that I am sensitive. Frankly, I have come to just accept that about myself. I am so tired of keeping up the facade that nothing can hurt me. Those things do hurt, and they do scare me, and Im finished pretending they dont. I am working on LOVING my sensitivity as a genuine, beautiful thing about me. As I do, I FEEL HEALTHY! And I love feeling that way.
August 20, 2009
The Disappearing Man
I am so sick and tired of the single parent, not-single parent game. He is here and then he isnt. He is living here, but Mommy, where is he? I dont know Bug, and you have no idea how abandoned I feel when I say that. All I can do is hug my baby and tell him that I am still here for him, hiding my tear brimmed eyes so he doesnt see. Oh, but if I bring any of this up to that disappearing man, Im using it as a weapon to extort him.
I cry in my pity party that I have no clue whatsoever what it feels like to be a parent in a two parent household. And frankly, I am the only guest at this pity party because everyone else just says, deal with it. You chose this. Yet, every time I feel like I can let my guard down and allow him to be involved and parent my child, I have to face alone those big blue eyes pleading for me to tell them why he isnt special enough for the disappearing man to stick around. I can tell him over and over that he is an awesome kid and deserves him to be here, but its pointless when we are left to dinner for 2, again. Bright side, I guess, is that we can share a can of Spaghetti O's.
I feel like Im doing everything I possibly can to make this relationship work. I am plowing forward (I can see that bright, loving, beautiful family out there in the horizon) but I am pulling a cowboy who has one leg on each side of the fence and has lassoed himself securely to it. He constantly is posed to run away at a moments notice, and so not fully committed to be here. Yet, he wont just walk away, and I know that he wants to be here. Hell, Im having his baby, its the closest thing to a family of his own he has ever had.
I have been compromising left and right to accomodate him. Its finally gotten to the point where all I want is for him to be OPEN to doing things my way JUST ONCE! We dont even have to do it, just be open to it! The best example I can give of how closed off he is to possibilities is just the other night. I asked what he wanted. He said such-and-such works for him. I said, ok but what do you want. He told me that what he wants is the only thing that works for him. I told him that I see it differently. Take dinner for example. Dinner at 5 may work for me (Im getting fed and that is what matters) but dinner at 6 is what I want. He told me that for him, if 6 is what he wants, then its the only option that works for him. So in other words, he just told me:
MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY SISTER
He is so closed off to the possibilities that work for me. This next doctor's appointment, for example, I scheduled at a date and time that works for me, and what he had previously told me worked for him. But because we have our counseling appointment the same day, he asked me to call them back and change it. Because the hours I spent on the phone getting this appointment scheduled and this time at work covered wasnt enough. Now he wants me to call the 10 different numbers again to reschedule and miss even more time at work? Because it works for his work. Not even that, his work would be fine with it! Because its what he wants. So, another compromise from me, all I asked was that he was open and looked for a way to make the time I had it scheduled for work. Not that he had to make it work, just looked for a way to make it work. And if it still didnt work for his schedule, I would call back the next day and reschedule.
He flat out told me he wasnt even willing to be open or look for a way to make it work. Suddenly I felt like he was absolutely telling me he wasnt willing to make the relationship work. Red light started flashing huge warnings behind my tear brimmed eyes. I flashed back to the night before when he told me he was only in this relationship because he couldnt say during the last break up that he did everything he could to make it work. So basically, this is a half-assed attempt at love so that his conscious is at ease. He literally said "the only reason." Mind you, this was after he swore at me and yelled at me (refusing to stop when I asked him to), and hit the bed as he yelled some last retort and walked out-again. Everything is the same as it always was, he hasnt changed the things that he said he would, nor is he willing to even attempt it. Flat out refused to stop yelling.
Yet I am supposed to feel like he truly and deeply cares for me. When I tell him I dont feel that he does, he spouts off all the things he has picked up at the store for me and my pregnancy cravings. He bought me things, sometimes with my own money. Please dont think me selfish or ungrateful, because everytime he showed up with them he was my own knight in shining armor coming to my rescue. I truly appreciate the things he has done for me. But those things are so minute compared to the love and compassion I am not receiving. Yelling and swearing are NOT love. Telling me to "get over it" is NOT compassion. I have lists miles long of the reasons why I feel the way I feel, but frankly, I dont need them to validate they way I feel. Its the way I feel, whether he agrees with it or not.
I deserve to feel loved now more than ever. I am growing life, literally a parasite inside of me, draining my energy and replacing it with nausea. I deserve to know that every night, I will be eating dinner with the man I love. I deserve to be given attention and a listening ear. I deserve to be the one he goes to when he wants to talk about OUR relationship. I deserve to not be alone in this pregnancy this time. I deserve a real family with a partner who isnt playing with smoke and mirrors.
I have never heard this song but the lyrics hit me very powerfully tonight as I sit balled up with my ice cream. Beautiful poem.
I dont NEED him. I know I dont. I am surviving, I always have, I always will.
But I deserve him to be here when the sunsets and rises. Im finally ready to stand up for that.
I cry in my pity party that I have no clue whatsoever what it feels like to be a parent in a two parent household. And frankly, I am the only guest at this pity party because everyone else just says, deal with it. You chose this. Yet, every time I feel like I can let my guard down and allow him to be involved and parent my child, I have to face alone those big blue eyes pleading for me to tell them why he isnt special enough for the disappearing man to stick around. I can tell him over and over that he is an awesome kid and deserves him to be here, but its pointless when we are left to dinner for 2, again. Bright side, I guess, is that we can share a can of Spaghetti O's.
I feel like Im doing everything I possibly can to make this relationship work. I am plowing forward (I can see that bright, loving, beautiful family out there in the horizon) but I am pulling a cowboy who has one leg on each side of the fence and has lassoed himself securely to it. He constantly is posed to run away at a moments notice, and so not fully committed to be here. Yet, he wont just walk away, and I know that he wants to be here. Hell, Im having his baby, its the closest thing to a family of his own he has ever had.
I have been compromising left and right to accomodate him. Its finally gotten to the point where all I want is for him to be OPEN to doing things my way JUST ONCE! We dont even have to do it, just be open to it! The best example I can give of how closed off he is to possibilities is just the other night. I asked what he wanted. He said such-and-such works for him. I said, ok but what do you want. He told me that what he wants is the only thing that works for him. I told him that I see it differently. Take dinner for example. Dinner at 5 may work for me (Im getting fed and that is what matters) but dinner at 6 is what I want. He told me that for him, if 6 is what he wants, then its the only option that works for him. So in other words, he just told me:
MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY SISTER
He is so closed off to the possibilities that work for me. This next doctor's appointment, for example, I scheduled at a date and time that works for me, and what he had previously told me worked for him. But because we have our counseling appointment the same day, he asked me to call them back and change it. Because the hours I spent on the phone getting this appointment scheduled and this time at work covered wasnt enough. Now he wants me to call the 10 different numbers again to reschedule and miss even more time at work? Because it works for his work. Not even that, his work would be fine with it! Because its what he wants. So, another compromise from me, all I asked was that he was open and looked for a way to make the time I had it scheduled for work. Not that he had to make it work, just looked for a way to make it work. And if it still didnt work for his schedule, I would call back the next day and reschedule.
He flat out told me he wasnt even willing to be open or look for a way to make it work. Suddenly I felt like he was absolutely telling me he wasnt willing to make the relationship work. Red light started flashing huge warnings behind my tear brimmed eyes. I flashed back to the night before when he told me he was only in this relationship because he couldnt say during the last break up that he did everything he could to make it work. So basically, this is a half-assed attempt at love so that his conscious is at ease. He literally said "the only reason." Mind you, this was after he swore at me and yelled at me (refusing to stop when I asked him to), and hit the bed as he yelled some last retort and walked out-again. Everything is the same as it always was, he hasnt changed the things that he said he would, nor is he willing to even attempt it. Flat out refused to stop yelling.
Yet I am supposed to feel like he truly and deeply cares for me. When I tell him I dont feel that he does, he spouts off all the things he has picked up at the store for me and my pregnancy cravings. He bought me things, sometimes with my own money. Please dont think me selfish or ungrateful, because everytime he showed up with them he was my own knight in shining armor coming to my rescue. I truly appreciate the things he has done for me. But those things are so minute compared to the love and compassion I am not receiving. Yelling and swearing are NOT love. Telling me to "get over it" is NOT compassion. I have lists miles long of the reasons why I feel the way I feel, but frankly, I dont need them to validate they way I feel. Its the way I feel, whether he agrees with it or not.
I deserve to feel loved now more than ever. I am growing life, literally a parasite inside of me, draining my energy and replacing it with nausea. I deserve to know that every night, I will be eating dinner with the man I love. I deserve to be given attention and a listening ear. I deserve to be the one he goes to when he wants to talk about OUR relationship. I deserve to not be alone in this pregnancy this time. I deserve a real family with a partner who isnt playing with smoke and mirrors.
I have never heard this song but the lyrics hit me very powerfully tonight as I sit balled up with my ice cream. Beautiful poem.
I dont NEED him. I know I dont. I am surviving, I always have, I always will.
But I deserve him to be here when the sunsets and rises. Im finally ready to stand up for that.
August 5, 2009
Breaking the Sound Barrier
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."
-Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.
I have been remembering the power of speaking things into existance. I silence myself about so many things that truly do matter to me. Even when I KNOW that others deserve for me to own my voice, I dont. A substantial portion of the time, its because I am afraid how it will come off. I have fear that it will not be speaking with love and others will ignore what I say because I am angry.
Its been so powerful in my life to take the time to re-center and focus before I speak. I do get to share the things that come up for me. I do get to stop the gossip and negativity around me. When I do, I feel so empowered and absolute joy! In the end, even if it wasnt well received, I know I spoke with love and accountability. I verbalized my peace. I am committed to not be silenced by fear!
-Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.
I have been remembering the power of speaking things into existance. I silence myself about so many things that truly do matter to me. Even when I KNOW that others deserve for me to own my voice, I dont. A substantial portion of the time, its because I am afraid how it will come off. I have fear that it will not be speaking with love and others will ignore what I say because I am angry.
Its been so powerful in my life to take the time to re-center and focus before I speak. I do get to share the things that come up for me. I do get to stop the gossip and negativity around me. When I do, I feel so empowered and absolute joy! In the end, even if it wasnt well received, I know I spoke with love and accountability. I verbalized my peace. I am committed to not be silenced by fear!
August 3, 2009
My Souls Counterpart
I really am excited about what I am going to create new in my life. The things that I do right now that I will look back on and go, WOW! I KNEW I WAS A POWERFUL CREATOR! Adjusting is always touch and go. I am so happy that Im not wearing a sweater inside my house, which I had grown accustomed to while in the relationship as he found his desire of cold more important than my desire of warmth. While Im jumping and skipping at this realization, I stop cold and feel that growl in my stomach and realize that I get to make dinner for 1. I dont remember what thats like! How do I do this all on my own again?
I apparently didnt learn what I called forth when I was a single parent before. I called it forth again so I could learn a very important lesson and the Universe and God loves me so much, they honored me with a soft, "Yes, my child. As you wish." So I am a single parent again. But this time, I have my son as well as two dogs and well HELLO! Missed period, nice to meet you again! So many reminders of the life he and I built together... So many reminders of the blinding bliss we felt only a month ago... When I say I dont get why we arent together now it is both truth and a lie. But I am done trying to figure it out and studying my every move and figure out what I did that was so impossible to live with.
I applaud myself for being willing to fix this relationship. I get to thank myself for standing up for what I deserve in my relationships. I definitely get there were times I was not operating from my heart or acting like the divinity I am. Yet I would recognize it and shift. I did not always shift the exact moment he wanted me to, but I shifted at the perfect moment for me. I had a huge awakening last night:
Being in my crap serves a purpose. I am dealing with my garbage in the perfect way to receive the lesson I called forth. I get to stay in my crap until I learn what I am meant to learn. When people attempt to pull me out of it, NO WONDER I RESIST! I havent learned that lesson yet. I deserve to learn it on my own, because I am a capable woman and I have my own answers. When I want assistance, I get to ask for it! This is truth for everyone else as well.
I realized this while talking to my new ex. I had a cool A-HA! while at the training center last night and immediately he came up for me, that I get to share this new challenge I am giving myself and that maybe that challenge would serve for him as well. I called him and told him that I am challenging myself to say things out loud. There is power in breathing life into my affirmations and my positive self-talk. I get to say out loud and for others to hear me say that I AM A DIVINE LOVING CREATIVE PASSIONATE WOMAN OF LIGHT! (As scary as that may be for me.. GULP!) He thanked me for sharing and said that he got this could be useful for him to do as well. He mentioned that he has a hard time verbalizing the words in his contract. I asked him why, and he avoided. He simply was not coming from his heart and I got that he was very closed off to me still. My heart broke for two reasons: first, that he still wont share with me and give me that closeness that I crave. Second, I could still feel the pain he was trying to not express. I get he doesnt KNOW that he is a a Beautiful, Healing, Inspiring, Loving Man of Light. When he looks into the mirror, he doesnt see what I see in him.
I immediately wanted to reach out and tell him to snap out of it. I wanted to put his head between my hands and beg him to open up to me and allow all that power to pour out of his heart. But then it hit me, just like that. This time down in the dumps is serving its perfect purpose for him. He gets to dig himself out and start on that path to reach that crazy, exhilarating peak! ITS NOT MY JOB TO SAVE HIM. Its not my place to tell him he gets to shift. I get to honor him and his process and let him BE. I get how when I focus on getting him out of his funk, how I have been hampering his breakthrus. And I do get that he has an amazing breakthru coming!
I also finally get the way I allowed his funk to affect me. I danced in the car in a way I havent danced anywhere for at least a month. I do feel a sense of freedom from the pain he carried with him. I took it on as if it were my pain. I believed the negative self-talk he had about himself was true for me as well. We fed each others garbage and held our relationship in the past.
Still, I am so sad that he is still in that space. When I stopped myself from jumping in to fix him, I wasnt sure what to say. I get to honor him being closed off. I get to honor the space he is taking away from me. After an awkward silence, I said goodbye and so did he. I heard his click, put the phone down and cried. Cried for his beauty. Cried for his light. Cried for all the amazing, connected discussions we had. Cried for his pain. At that moment, I absolutely got that he is a reflection of me. I relate so well to what he is feeling because that is who I was.
My soul aches to be with its counterpart. I miss him more than I could ever express. I remember the amazing times we had. I remember making love to him with my entire being. I remember when we laid together in that hotel bed and decided to conceive a baby and grow our family. I remember picking out which wedding rings we want when that day finally came. I remember the huge smile he got that absolutely showed his inner child. I cling to those good times. I choose to see only the positive in our life, as well as in my new life that starts today.
I hold on to the lessons that I learn everyday. I hold on to the blessings of today. I choose to FOCUS on getting to pee with the door open. I am focusing on watching as many chick flicks as I want instead of the empty side of the bed. I am focusing on all the new opportunities to connect with my old and new friends. I am focusing on my journey being perfect and his being perfect for him. I am focusing on learning the lessons of being a single parent, this time with 2 dogs and a 4 year old and possibly a new life that I get to nurture and love. I remind myself over and over:
Its all perfect.
I apparently didnt learn what I called forth when I was a single parent before. I called it forth again so I could learn a very important lesson and the Universe and God loves me so much, they honored me with a soft, "Yes, my child. As you wish." So I am a single parent again. But this time, I have my son as well as two dogs and well HELLO! Missed period, nice to meet you again! So many reminders of the life he and I built together... So many reminders of the blinding bliss we felt only a month ago... When I say I dont get why we arent together now it is both truth and a lie. But I am done trying to figure it out and studying my every move and figure out what I did that was so impossible to live with.
I applaud myself for being willing to fix this relationship. I get to thank myself for standing up for what I deserve in my relationships. I definitely get there were times I was not operating from my heart or acting like the divinity I am. Yet I would recognize it and shift. I did not always shift the exact moment he wanted me to, but I shifted at the perfect moment for me. I had a huge awakening last night:
Being in my crap serves a purpose. I am dealing with my garbage in the perfect way to receive the lesson I called forth. I get to stay in my crap until I learn what I am meant to learn. When people attempt to pull me out of it, NO WONDER I RESIST! I havent learned that lesson yet. I deserve to learn it on my own, because I am a capable woman and I have my own answers. When I want assistance, I get to ask for it! This is truth for everyone else as well.
I realized this while talking to my new ex. I had a cool A-HA! while at the training center last night and immediately he came up for me, that I get to share this new challenge I am giving myself and that maybe that challenge would serve for him as well. I called him and told him that I am challenging myself to say things out loud. There is power in breathing life into my affirmations and my positive self-talk. I get to say out loud and for others to hear me say that I AM A DIVINE LOVING CREATIVE PASSIONATE WOMAN OF LIGHT! (As scary as that may be for me.. GULP!) He thanked me for sharing and said that he got this could be useful for him to do as well. He mentioned that he has a hard time verbalizing the words in his contract. I asked him why, and he avoided. He simply was not coming from his heart and I got that he was very closed off to me still. My heart broke for two reasons: first, that he still wont share with me and give me that closeness that I crave. Second, I could still feel the pain he was trying to not express. I get he doesnt KNOW that he is a a Beautiful, Healing, Inspiring, Loving Man of Light. When he looks into the mirror, he doesnt see what I see in him.
I immediately wanted to reach out and tell him to snap out of it. I wanted to put his head between my hands and beg him to open up to me and allow all that power to pour out of his heart. But then it hit me, just like that. This time down in the dumps is serving its perfect purpose for him. He gets to dig himself out and start on that path to reach that crazy, exhilarating peak! ITS NOT MY JOB TO SAVE HIM. Its not my place to tell him he gets to shift. I get to honor him and his process and let him BE. I get how when I focus on getting him out of his funk, how I have been hampering his breakthrus. And I do get that he has an amazing breakthru coming!
I also finally get the way I allowed his funk to affect me. I danced in the car in a way I havent danced anywhere for at least a month. I do feel a sense of freedom from the pain he carried with him. I took it on as if it were my pain. I believed the negative self-talk he had about himself was true for me as well. We fed each others garbage and held our relationship in the past.
Still, I am so sad that he is still in that space. When I stopped myself from jumping in to fix him, I wasnt sure what to say. I get to honor him being closed off. I get to honor the space he is taking away from me. After an awkward silence, I said goodbye and so did he. I heard his click, put the phone down and cried. Cried for his beauty. Cried for his light. Cried for all the amazing, connected discussions we had. Cried for his pain. At that moment, I absolutely got that he is a reflection of me. I relate so well to what he is feeling because that is who I was.
My soul aches to be with its counterpart. I miss him more than I could ever express. I remember the amazing times we had. I remember making love to him with my entire being. I remember when we laid together in that hotel bed and decided to conceive a baby and grow our family. I remember picking out which wedding rings we want when that day finally came. I remember the huge smile he got that absolutely showed his inner child. I cling to those good times. I choose to see only the positive in our life, as well as in my new life that starts today.
I hold on to the lessons that I learn everyday. I hold on to the blessings of today. I choose to FOCUS on getting to pee with the door open. I am focusing on watching as many chick flicks as I want instead of the empty side of the bed. I am focusing on all the new opportunities to connect with my old and new friends. I am focusing on my journey being perfect and his being perfect for him. I am focusing on learning the lessons of being a single parent, this time with 2 dogs and a 4 year old and possibly a new life that I get to nurture and love. I remind myself over and over:
Its all perfect.
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