"Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship."
-Buddha
Im learning what it means to be healthy in all aspects of my life. Im learning humility and contentment means gratitude and unlocks the secrets of wealthy. I am learning what it means to have FAITH, in God, in people, in life.
Having faith in someone is so much more than believing in them. I believe my son has the ability to clean his room and can do a great job. I believe in him. Faith is more than even trusting him to clean his room when I ask him. Faith is knowing he will do the best thing for himself, for me, and for our family. Faith is letting him make his mistakes and figure it out on his own. I have faith in my God to provide for me, even if it isnt exactly the way I wanted it to turn out.
Im realizing how little faith Ive had in all my relationships. With God, with my family, with my friends, and in my romantic relationships. I dont PUT my faith in people. I emphasize the word PUT because it is ACTION. It is a DECISION I have to make. Without a conscious choice to PUT my faith into those around me, I am making an unconscious choice to tell them they aren't good enough. They aren't fulfilling me. They aren't worthy of my faith.
I am actually really excited about this lesson on Faith and my choices! It's my path to letting go and letting love. I put my faith in those around me and I feel safe enough to allow them their choices and mistakes. I love seeing them learn and grow as they feel free to BE, and they feel safe to return the love. And in the end, I am safe as I put my Faith in God. I know I will be provided for and that everything is for my greatest good. The path appears as I take my step. So I feel safe to let go and stop controlling every one and thing around me.
Im so excited to see the raise in vibration of myself and those around me when I put my faith in them! I am excited to create the best relationships!
May 30, 2011
May 28, 2011
Period.
I cannot believe the roller coaster I have been thru in the last few weeks. Heartbroken to heart-breaker to needy and desperate to self-fulfilled to defensive and aggressive and back to a sobbing mess, struggling to take my power back and BE the healthy, happy person I am.
And then I start my period 5 days early and it all kind of makes sense. Yes, this will be one of THOSE posts. I know talk about hormones or womanly functions creep out some people, but respectfully, those people need to get over it. Those people are the ones who raise daughters like me that RESENT their womanhood, that reject their feminine beauty, that think being a woman means never being strong. It is a constant struggle every day for me to embrace being a woman. I write for their daughters.
Frankly, I believe the rejection of my femininity is what causes 99% of my hormone imbalances and painful periods. I also believe that it is closely linked to the trouble I have in all my relationships, from family to friends to business.
It makes sense when I consider the Chakras associated with this area. The Sacral Chakra, according to The Chakra Bible, does not contain the specific organs, but rather the "life-sustaining energy behind sexual impulse." Basically, problems in this area signify trouble with the opposite sex: father, brother, boyfriend, husband, etc for women and mother, sister, girlfriend, wife, etc for a man. Also, this Chakra extends to the lower back, which can also signify monetary stress in your life. As I read more and more of Louise L. Hay's Heal Your Body A-Z, the more I realize that the pain I experience during that time of the month (and hormone swings the weeks before and after) are really ME FIGHTING THE WOMANHOOD INSIDE OF ME.
No wonder I struggle with the men in my life and are constantly stressed about money. I have been so confused and at war with what being a woman really means. One part of me has a vision of a woman being a 1950's house mom, cooking and cleaning and never having a definite opinion about anything. I suppose this is supported by the way I felt incapable and insignificant with my father growing up. My decisions and opinions were criticized subtly, and I slowly lost faith in my abilities as I made more and more mistakes. I need to be small, protected, and a big man to be responsible for my happiness. I cry at everything and I would be selfish if I took one moment for myself.
The other part of me sees a "real" woman as an Amazonian warrior. I need to be without a man completely. I need to be strong, never giving in, and heartless. I am stronger than the world and I can never be hurt. To cry means defeat and I can never assign myself to defeat. I must fight. I must look after myself as number one! I am large and in charge, and I must control everything around me! I think this belief came from being the big sister, having to take care of myself while the babies got attention. Be a big girl and go play by yourself. Don't be a baby. Get back up. Never give in to wearing a skirt!
No wonder I feel so torn. Bleeding every month is weakness that must be destroyed, but I desperately want to be wrapped up in Ashton Kutcher's arms as we listen to the period mix he made me. And I hate myself for feeling either of those emotions.
The clincher? The Sacral Chakra is often called "the center of self-expression and joy." It is where creativity and connection come from. Like I said, this is the life-giving energy pulsing thru my womb. Creating in its pures forms. Creating and bringing a literal piece of Heaven to Earth, connecting me to God, connecting to the father of my children, connecting to my past (genes) and my future (my offspring). Life. Energy. In fact, if this Chakra is completely closed no joy may be experienced, and if it is hyperactive frustration and confusion sets in. There is a reason why it is the second Chakra formed, and its power on the quality of your life will astound you.
Now, the Sacral Chakra certainly deals with my monthly hormone surges, but the actual sex organs that make this time possible are located in the Root Chakra. The very first Chakra. This Chakra holds the feelings of balance, stability and peace, as well self-preservation, safety and security. It includes the very base of the spine, and thus can hold the key to energy, movement, and progress. It makes sense why when I am in a stable position in life, my cycle is exactly 28 days and occurs with the moon's phases. If I am unbalanced, I am late or early and my hormones are off the charts batshit crazy spirals. Like now.
What I find REALLY interesting is how this site describes the association of the Root Chakra and Dragons. "Dragon is a symbol for the kundalini fire energy." I happen to have an obsession with Dragons, and only recently did I learn that according to the Chinese Zodiac, I am a Dragon. Not only a Dragon, but an Earth Dragon. The description matches closely the FIRE description in Ayurveda I learned while in school. Fire, or Pitta, dosha people usually are overly logical. Everything has a reason and a path and if I don't see the path, too bad. But it means I think and think and think about a decision before I make it. I do have the tendency to be a hothead and angry but it also means I am passionate about my decisions and talents and life! I love how all of these seem to interconnect and meet in a perfect neutral zone.
I feel like as I exercise my physical body, as I redefine what a woman is (and allow myself to be it!), as I work on creating stability and internal safety in my life, my periods might work themselves out.. I would prefer to avoid medical intervention. In the end, I'm reaching a breaking point to where I cannot work, play or even sit on days like this and I have big changes to make. Period.
And then I start my period 5 days early and it all kind of makes sense. Yes, this will be one of THOSE posts. I know talk about hormones or womanly functions creep out some people, but respectfully, those people need to get over it. Those people are the ones who raise daughters like me that RESENT their womanhood, that reject their feminine beauty, that think being a woman means never being strong. It is a constant struggle every day for me to embrace being a woman. I write for their daughters.
Frankly, I believe the rejection of my femininity is what causes 99% of my hormone imbalances and painful periods. I also believe that it is closely linked to the trouble I have in all my relationships, from family to friends to business.
It makes sense when I consider the Chakras associated with this area. The Sacral Chakra, according to The Chakra Bible, does not contain the specific organs, but rather the "life-sustaining energy behind sexual impulse." Basically, problems in this area signify trouble with the opposite sex: father, brother, boyfriend, husband, etc for women and mother, sister, girlfriend, wife, etc for a man. Also, this Chakra extends to the lower back, which can also signify monetary stress in your life. As I read more and more of Louise L. Hay's Heal Your Body A-Z, the more I realize that the pain I experience during that time of the month (and hormone swings the weeks before and after) are really ME FIGHTING THE WOMANHOOD INSIDE OF ME.
No wonder I struggle with the men in my life and are constantly stressed about money. I have been so confused and at war with what being a woman really means. One part of me has a vision of a woman being a 1950's house mom, cooking and cleaning and never having a definite opinion about anything. I suppose this is supported by the way I felt incapable and insignificant with my father growing up. My decisions and opinions were criticized subtly, and I slowly lost faith in my abilities as I made more and more mistakes. I need to be small, protected, and a big man to be responsible for my happiness. I cry at everything and I would be selfish if I took one moment for myself.
The other part of me sees a "real" woman as an Amazonian warrior. I need to be without a man completely. I need to be strong, never giving in, and heartless. I am stronger than the world and I can never be hurt. To cry means defeat and I can never assign myself to defeat. I must fight. I must look after myself as number one! I am large and in charge, and I must control everything around me! I think this belief came from being the big sister, having to take care of myself while the babies got attention. Be a big girl and go play by yourself. Don't be a baby. Get back up. Never give in to wearing a skirt!
No wonder I feel so torn. Bleeding every month is weakness that must be destroyed, but I desperately want to be wrapped up in Ashton Kutcher's arms as we listen to the period mix he made me. And I hate myself for feeling either of those emotions.
The clincher? The Sacral Chakra is often called "the center of self-expression and joy." It is where creativity and connection come from. Like I said, this is the life-giving energy pulsing thru my womb. Creating in its pures forms. Creating and bringing a literal piece of Heaven to Earth, connecting me to God, connecting to the father of my children, connecting to my past (genes) and my future (my offspring). Life. Energy. In fact, if this Chakra is completely closed no joy may be experienced, and if it is hyperactive frustration and confusion sets in. There is a reason why it is the second Chakra formed, and its power on the quality of your life will astound you.
Now, the Sacral Chakra certainly deals with my monthly hormone surges, but the actual sex organs that make this time possible are located in the Root Chakra. The very first Chakra. This Chakra holds the feelings of balance, stability and peace, as well self-preservation, safety and security. It includes the very base of the spine, and thus can hold the key to energy, movement, and progress. It makes sense why when I am in a stable position in life, my cycle is exactly 28 days and occurs with the moon's phases. If I am unbalanced, I am late or early and my hormones are off the charts batshit crazy spirals. Like now.
What I find REALLY interesting is how this site describes the association of the Root Chakra and Dragons. "Dragon is a symbol for the kundalini fire energy." I happen to have an obsession with Dragons, and only recently did I learn that according to the Chinese Zodiac, I am a Dragon. Not only a Dragon, but an Earth Dragon. The description matches closely the FIRE description in Ayurveda I learned while in school. Fire, or Pitta, dosha people usually are overly logical. Everything has a reason and a path and if I don't see the path, too bad. But it means I think and think and think about a decision before I make it. I do have the tendency to be a hothead and angry but it also means I am passionate about my decisions and talents and life! I love how all of these seem to interconnect and meet in a perfect neutral zone.
I feel like as I exercise my physical body, as I redefine what a woman is (and allow myself to be it!), as I work on creating stability and internal safety in my life, my periods might work themselves out.. I would prefer to avoid medical intervention. In the end, I'm reaching a breaking point to where I cannot work, play or even sit on days like this and I have big changes to make. Period.
May 22, 2011
Walk, Not Run
The thing about getting what you want.. You have to actually know what you want.
And I dont know what I want.
Ive spent a lot of time thinking and thinking lately about what is healthy for me. I think and read and talk about the things I SHOULD want. I SHOULD want to spend time just on me. I SHOULD want to stay home alone and enjoy my time with out my kids. I SHOULD be happy my shitty relationship is over. But that isnt how I feel. It isnt what I want.
So I meditate. I do yoga and be with my breath. I play my affirmation recording about 6 times before I start to feel like the strong beautiful woman I am. Then I ask myself what I want, and I still feel the many conflicting ideas fight and push each other down and race to be the declaration of what I want.
I want to be happy. I want to feel like ME again. I want to feel powerful and free and loved. I want to feel like the bright, shiny woman from last summer whose writings still inspire me. THAT is ME. That is who I am at my core. I am amazing. I want to feel it. That is the drive to write, to pray, to cry, to read, to dedicate money and time to amazing coaches who remind me of the path to be that woman again. It is my ONLY reason, and I am happy with that. I know that is what I want.
But that is not the only thing I want. I do want a healthy relationship with an amazing man. I do want to marry an incredible partner and conquer the world together. I want someone I can count on to remind me of my amazingness when I slip and fall, who will remember all my good qualities even when I show only the bad, who inspires and pushes me to fly when I feel scared to leave the nest. More specifically, I want the man who I know this is.
So because of all the things I am told about what I SHOULD want, I doubt my reasons for wanting a life with my soulmate. I start thinking that wanting one is unhealthy, that Im being needy. And I certainly go into that needy realm every time I am in a relationship.
The thing is.. I know that the things I want are not inherently bad. They become unhealthy when I NEED them to fulfill me externally. At my core, I do want my soulmate, but not so that I feel worthy of love or to feel like Im enough. I want him to experience another level joy WITH. The fact that I want to give love to another person is truly healthy.
As I transform to a healthy person, the things I want transform to be healthy too.
Yet, I feel terrified of going after what I want. I do not know how to be in a healthy relationship. I do not know how to stay a healthy, whole person while in a relationship. Piece by piece, I start slipping. A tiny little insecurity of mine gets triggered, and I react in a way that activates his insecurity which activates mine again. The degrade can be slow, but eventually it has ALWAYS happened. I have screwed up every relationship I have ever had.
I know that God gives me these specific relationships so that my specific insecurities are triggered. This is how I will learn! This is how I will grow! And hopefully, eventually, I grow out of my insecurities and being called names or being "left" will no longer trigger me. And even if they are triggered, I wont close down and be devastated. I have learned a lot about myself. I have grown up significantly. Yet I still struggle, and possibly will struggle for quite some time.
So why would I want to put someone else thru that? I feel like if I am in a relationship I will be a disease on their life. I am poison. No matter how healthy or hopeful I am in the beginning, I will mess up. And they will be devastated. And they will be hurt. And they will have their insecurities triggered and they will become unhealthy and lose hope too. He, especially, doesnt deserve that.
I realize this is fear talking. I realize I am in the grips of doom and gloom and see only the worst possible outcome.
Shaking off the debate inside of me, stepping into creation and optimism and ME, I do know what I want. I want to be with the man that I love. I want to have my family back. I want to climb mountains with him and give him all the love I possess and lift him up. I want to see him grow and mature and live and BE happy. And I want to do all of this while BEING happy, BEING healthy and whole, BEING ME.
I am working on respecting his decision. I am working on being open to the universe that if I am meant to be with someone, it will work out. I am working on not closing off my mind, demanding that I get the ONE person I want, but opening my mind to all the possibilities. I can have a healthy, happy marriage without it being a specific person. I am working on Letting Go. Im just not there yet.
Which is how I know I still have work to do. I have to get the first thing I want (being me) before I can go after the other things I want. I have to master walking on my own before I can run with someone else. Otherwise I would just run away again.
And I dont know what I want.
Ive spent a lot of time thinking and thinking lately about what is healthy for me. I think and read and talk about the things I SHOULD want. I SHOULD want to spend time just on me. I SHOULD want to stay home alone and enjoy my time with out my kids. I SHOULD be happy my shitty relationship is over. But that isnt how I feel. It isnt what I want.
So I meditate. I do yoga and be with my breath. I play my affirmation recording about 6 times before I start to feel like the strong beautiful woman I am. Then I ask myself what I want, and I still feel the many conflicting ideas fight and push each other down and race to be the declaration of what I want.
I want to be happy. I want to feel like ME again. I want to feel powerful and free and loved. I want to feel like the bright, shiny woman from last summer whose writings still inspire me. THAT is ME. That is who I am at my core. I am amazing. I want to feel it. That is the drive to write, to pray, to cry, to read, to dedicate money and time to amazing coaches who remind me of the path to be that woman again. It is my ONLY reason, and I am happy with that. I know that is what I want.
But that is not the only thing I want. I do want a healthy relationship with an amazing man. I do want to marry an incredible partner and conquer the world together. I want someone I can count on to remind me of my amazingness when I slip and fall, who will remember all my good qualities even when I show only the bad, who inspires and pushes me to fly when I feel scared to leave the nest. More specifically, I want the man who I know this is.
So because of all the things I am told about what I SHOULD want, I doubt my reasons for wanting a life with my soulmate. I start thinking that wanting one is unhealthy, that Im being needy. And I certainly go into that needy realm every time I am in a relationship.
The thing is.. I know that the things I want are not inherently bad. They become unhealthy when I NEED them to fulfill me externally. At my core, I do want my soulmate, but not so that I feel worthy of love or to feel like Im enough. I want him to experience another level joy WITH. The fact that I want to give love to another person is truly healthy.
As I transform to a healthy person, the things I want transform to be healthy too.
Yet, I feel terrified of going after what I want. I do not know how to be in a healthy relationship. I do not know how to stay a healthy, whole person while in a relationship. Piece by piece, I start slipping. A tiny little insecurity of mine gets triggered, and I react in a way that activates his insecurity which activates mine again. The degrade can be slow, but eventually it has ALWAYS happened. I have screwed up every relationship I have ever had.
I know that God gives me these specific relationships so that my specific insecurities are triggered. This is how I will learn! This is how I will grow! And hopefully, eventually, I grow out of my insecurities and being called names or being "left" will no longer trigger me. And even if they are triggered, I wont close down and be devastated. I have learned a lot about myself. I have grown up significantly. Yet I still struggle, and possibly will struggle for quite some time.
So why would I want to put someone else thru that? I feel like if I am in a relationship I will be a disease on their life. I am poison. No matter how healthy or hopeful I am in the beginning, I will mess up. And they will be devastated. And they will be hurt. And they will have their insecurities triggered and they will become unhealthy and lose hope too. He, especially, doesnt deserve that.
I realize this is fear talking. I realize I am in the grips of doom and gloom and see only the worst possible outcome.
Shaking off the debate inside of me, stepping into creation and optimism and ME, I do know what I want. I want to be with the man that I love. I want to have my family back. I want to climb mountains with him and give him all the love I possess and lift him up. I want to see him grow and mature and live and BE happy. And I want to do all of this while BEING happy, BEING healthy and whole, BEING ME.
I am working on respecting his decision. I am working on being open to the universe that if I am meant to be with someone, it will work out. I am working on not closing off my mind, demanding that I get the ONE person I want, but opening my mind to all the possibilities. I can have a healthy, happy marriage without it being a specific person. I am working on Letting Go. Im just not there yet.
Which is how I know I still have work to do. I have to get the first thing I want (being me) before I can go after the other things I want. I have to master walking on my own before I can run with someone else. Otherwise I would just run away again.
May 18, 2011
Story of The End
Im back. And broken. And unhealthy. Again. SURPRISE!
What good would a blog about emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being be without serious unhealthy issues to work thru? So please excuse the uncomfortable language until I find my voice again..
I have been having incredible, vivid, terrifying nightmares. I wake up screaming, shaking and alone. In an effort to explore what these nightmares mean and bring to light the issues my subconscious is dealing with, I would like to analyze them here.
A little back story: the Love of My Life broke off our engagement and moved out last week. He had threatened it several times but always changed his mind. We were in couples therapy as well as individual therapy but things were not going well. I was reaching my limit as well but was committed to working on myself and our relationship. We had just agreed to take a month to work on ourselves and not the relationship when he snapped over something seemingly small. I am still very confused and upset about the entire situation and have been trying to work thru everything that has come up without much success. Basically Ive resorted to sobbing randomly and trying to be as kind to him (now referred to as E) as I can be.
The first nightmare that left me shaking for days was being raped. I was in some sort of a school setting and a stranger shoved their hand up into me and laughed when I freaked out. I was shaking, scared, and running away. I searched for E to comfort and protect me but ended up sitting and waiting on the school steps, surrounded by friends yet still not feeling safe, for the police to show up. This nightmare happened the day after the break up.
I will be using this site's interpretation of my nightmares and the symbols in them.
First of all, the fact that I am having nightmares means that my conscious mind is fighting the realization of truth and the only way to work thru these issues of mine is to present them in my dreams. Second, I believe it is giving me an opportunity to rely on myself to calm down and feel safe after a nightmare. Normally, I call someone and have them tell me I am safe, no matter the hour. I finally resolved to take care of myself, and I didnt calm down immediately, and the images haunted me for days, until I looked up the meanings of the symbols.
So my first nightmare. The big obvious symbol, rape. "To dream that you have been raped, indicates vengeful or resentful feelings toward the opposite sex. You feel that you have been violated or that you have been taken advantage of. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. Things are being forced upon you. Dreams of rape are also common for those who were actually raped in their waking life." The moment I looked up this symbol, I was struck by the fittingness of everything listed. I am going thru a break up, the end of a relationship and family, the end of a life together, the death of a heart. I have been feeling resentful for months towards E, feeling taken advantage of, feeling like I give anything and everything in the world to him only to be walked on instead. I have given him complete power and authority over my self-worth, and he decides (depending on how he is feeling that moment) my entire value. I did not choose this break up. I dont have many choices because I let him decide my day, my plans, which things are important and which are not.
The key is I LET HIM. I gave up every choice, I did not honor my own worth or set the standard for what I deserve. I treated myself like crap, and I stopped taking care of myself around last December. I became dependant, lost, unconscious. THIS IS WHEN OUR ISSUES STARTED. This was the beginning of the end. I have been intellectually realizing this for the last week, trying to wrap my mind around it. But I am forcing all the accountability onto myself and thus still resenting myself and not feeling a change in my heart. I still feel taken advantage of, betrayed, abandoned, and like I have no choice even tho I know the reasons why. Which is exactly why my dreams have become the only place to allow myself to feel those things. I am still getting something out of the low vibration Ive been at. It is scary to really own my power and allow myself to take accountability for my life because all I can see are the mistakes, and mistakes mean I am a bad person, and that means I will never be loved. So many untrue things in that thought process, I can see them, Im working on FEELING them.
The second symbol that really stood out to me was the school setting. "To dream that you are in school, signifies feelings of inadequacy and childhood insecurities that have never been resolved. It may relate to anxieties about your performance and abilities. Alternatively, a dream that takes place in school may be a metaphor for the lessons that you are learning from your waking life.You may be going through a 'spiritual learning' experience." In this particular dream, I believe there is truth in both interpretations. I am definitely on a spiritual learning experience at this point in my life, and I started it even before he left. I want to be the happy person who wrote the amazing articles preceding this one. And I feel inadequate and worthless, which are the two main childhood insecurities I can remember. I feel like a horrible wife, girlfriend, mother, friend, and lover. Especially given the many fights E and I revolving around sex and the rejection of it, I absolutely felt like if I was just more attractive, if I just weighted 30 pounds less, if I was just more loving, if I was just a better mother to our daughter, if I was just better in bed, if I actually turned him on, if I just tried harder or more often or less aggressively or less often, maybe then he would stop rejecting my advances. Maybe he would finally make an advance! I felt like a little girl. Maybe if I just do everything my parents want me to I would get the love I want. Talk about a Freudian fallacy.
So first, I apparently have several issues to resolve in myself regarding my parents, my dad especially, and the approval I always sought to hard to receive. Suck. I thought I had already overcome that one. Intellectually, I know that if I was enough for myself then it wouldnt matter if I was enough for everyone else, and coincidentally that is when I would attract people who would love me as I am. And I know that as I fight to become better for everyone else, I neglect my spirit, my internal needs, and become less and less and slip more and more into the hole. So this is where I truly do focus on myself. I work on my affirmations and repeat them religiously. I remain aware of the times I am people pleasing again. This is where I rejoice in not being in a relationship, because I cannot wrap my head around how to be in a nonintimate relationship and dealing with constant rejection. I suppose its a lesson I have to learn one day, but its not one I can navigate in a healthy way right now. So I just get to work on that 5 year old in my soul and gradually mature her without the constant struggle.
The symbol of police "symbolizes structure, rules, power, authority and control. To dream that you are having difficulties contacting the police, suggests that you have yet to acknowledge your own authoritativeness in a situation. You need to take control and be in command of the direction of your life." Um, hello. Perfect, and pretty self explanatory. For my logical mind, everything must have rules, and I constantly struggle with trying to control things. So instead of trying to control everything around me, I need to control MYSELF, a power I do not grant myself willingly.
With the explanation of these symbols, my dream would read like this:
I was in a state of feeling inadequate and worthless, like I did as a child. I felt taken advantage of by E, like he was violating my self-esteem and I resented him for it (even tho I know it was I who gave it up willingly). I was shaking, scared, and running away. I wanted E to comfort and protect me. I sat and waited for my own control of myself and life to show up but I was not willing to.
HELLO. Welcome to the story of the end of my relationship.
What good would a blog about emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being be without serious unhealthy issues to work thru? So please excuse the uncomfortable language until I find my voice again..
I have been having incredible, vivid, terrifying nightmares. I wake up screaming, shaking and alone. In an effort to explore what these nightmares mean and bring to light the issues my subconscious is dealing with, I would like to analyze them here.
A little back story: the Love of My Life broke off our engagement and moved out last week. He had threatened it several times but always changed his mind. We were in couples therapy as well as individual therapy but things were not going well. I was reaching my limit as well but was committed to working on myself and our relationship. We had just agreed to take a month to work on ourselves and not the relationship when he snapped over something seemingly small. I am still very confused and upset about the entire situation and have been trying to work thru everything that has come up without much success. Basically Ive resorted to sobbing randomly and trying to be as kind to him (now referred to as E) as I can be.
The first nightmare that left me shaking for days was being raped. I was in some sort of a school setting and a stranger shoved their hand up into me and laughed when I freaked out. I was shaking, scared, and running away. I searched for E to comfort and protect me but ended up sitting and waiting on the school steps, surrounded by friends yet still not feeling safe, for the police to show up. This nightmare happened the day after the break up.
I will be using this site's interpretation of my nightmares and the symbols in them.
First of all, the fact that I am having nightmares means that my conscious mind is fighting the realization of truth and the only way to work thru these issues of mine is to present them in my dreams. Second, I believe it is giving me an opportunity to rely on myself to calm down and feel safe after a nightmare. Normally, I call someone and have them tell me I am safe, no matter the hour. I finally resolved to take care of myself, and I didnt calm down immediately, and the images haunted me for days, until I looked up the meanings of the symbols.
So my first nightmare. The big obvious symbol, rape. "To dream that you have been raped, indicates vengeful or resentful feelings toward the opposite sex. You feel that you have been violated or that you have been taken advantage of. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. Things are being forced upon you. Dreams of rape are also common for those who were actually raped in their waking life." The moment I looked up this symbol, I was struck by the fittingness of everything listed. I am going thru a break up, the end of a relationship and family, the end of a life together, the death of a heart. I have been feeling resentful for months towards E, feeling taken advantage of, feeling like I give anything and everything in the world to him only to be walked on instead. I have given him complete power and authority over my self-worth, and he decides (depending on how he is feeling that moment) my entire value. I did not choose this break up. I dont have many choices because I let him decide my day, my plans, which things are important and which are not.
The key is I LET HIM. I gave up every choice, I did not honor my own worth or set the standard for what I deserve. I treated myself like crap, and I stopped taking care of myself around last December. I became dependant, lost, unconscious. THIS IS WHEN OUR ISSUES STARTED. This was the beginning of the end. I have been intellectually realizing this for the last week, trying to wrap my mind around it. But I am forcing all the accountability onto myself and thus still resenting myself and not feeling a change in my heart. I still feel taken advantage of, betrayed, abandoned, and like I have no choice even tho I know the reasons why. Which is exactly why my dreams have become the only place to allow myself to feel those things. I am still getting something out of the low vibration Ive been at. It is scary to really own my power and allow myself to take accountability for my life because all I can see are the mistakes, and mistakes mean I am a bad person, and that means I will never be loved. So many untrue things in that thought process, I can see them, Im working on FEELING them.
The second symbol that really stood out to me was the school setting. "To dream that you are in school, signifies feelings of inadequacy and childhood insecurities that have never been resolved. It may relate to anxieties about your performance and abilities. Alternatively, a dream that takes place in school may be a metaphor for the lessons that you are learning from your waking life.You may be going through a 'spiritual learning' experience." In this particular dream, I believe there is truth in both interpretations. I am definitely on a spiritual learning experience at this point in my life, and I started it even before he left. I want to be the happy person who wrote the amazing articles preceding this one. And I feel inadequate and worthless, which are the two main childhood insecurities I can remember. I feel like a horrible wife, girlfriend, mother, friend, and lover. Especially given the many fights E and I revolving around sex and the rejection of it, I absolutely felt like if I was just more attractive, if I just weighted 30 pounds less, if I was just more loving, if I was just a better mother to our daughter, if I was just better in bed, if I actually turned him on, if I just tried harder or more often or less aggressively or less often, maybe then he would stop rejecting my advances. Maybe he would finally make an advance! I felt like a little girl. Maybe if I just do everything my parents want me to I would get the love I want. Talk about a Freudian fallacy.
So first, I apparently have several issues to resolve in myself regarding my parents, my dad especially, and the approval I always sought to hard to receive. Suck. I thought I had already overcome that one. Intellectually, I know that if I was enough for myself then it wouldnt matter if I was enough for everyone else, and coincidentally that is when I would attract people who would love me as I am. And I know that as I fight to become better for everyone else, I neglect my spirit, my internal needs, and become less and less and slip more and more into the hole. So this is where I truly do focus on myself. I work on my affirmations and repeat them religiously. I remain aware of the times I am people pleasing again. This is where I rejoice in not being in a relationship, because I cannot wrap my head around how to be in a nonintimate relationship and dealing with constant rejection. I suppose its a lesson I have to learn one day, but its not one I can navigate in a healthy way right now. So I just get to work on that 5 year old in my soul and gradually mature her without the constant struggle.
The symbol of police "symbolizes structure, rules, power, authority and control. To dream that you are having difficulties contacting the police, suggests that you have yet to acknowledge your own authoritativeness in a situation. You need to take control and be in command of the direction of your life." Um, hello. Perfect, and pretty self explanatory. For my logical mind, everything must have rules, and I constantly struggle with trying to control things. So instead of trying to control everything around me, I need to control MYSELF, a power I do not grant myself willingly.
With the explanation of these symbols, my dream would read like this:
I was in a state of feeling inadequate and worthless, like I did as a child. I felt taken advantage of by E, like he was violating my self-esteem and I resented him for it (even tho I know it was I who gave it up willingly). I was shaking, scared, and running away. I wanted E to comfort and protect me. I sat and waited for my own control of myself and life to show up but I was not willing to.
HELLO. Welcome to the story of the end of my relationship.
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