So I had a dream last night. Don't remember a whole ton about it but an image, an idea has stayed with me. And I get it has huge significance on what's going on in my life right now.
I HATE the things that are happening at school right now. I hate that people are talking about me behind my back. I hate that they are saying untrue things more. I hate that the instructors don't listen when I do bring issues to them. I hate that people are mad at me for things I don't need to feel guilty about. I hate that I feel taken advantage of because I have been willing to do appointments so I get the most, the worst, and the least well planned. I hate that I'm given last minute appointments for which I have no time to properly prepare. I hate having my schedule changed 20 times in one day.
Mostly, I hate feeling like I have no control over any of it.
I was thinking about this the last few days, usually while I was in the car in tears because of how much I hate being at school. I know, and have known, that its my struggle with control that causes all these icky feelings. Yet I still feel them. So last night in particular, I prayed asking for help letting go of my external struggle with control.
So..my dream.
I remember running around with my kids. It was just one person, yet it was both my baby girl and Bug. We were laughing and giggling and rolling around in a field of short lavender plants. The aroma filled my lungs and I felt absolutely content. I would chase him/them until we collapsed in exhaustion, and then they would chase me. As they caught me and tackled me, I was surrounded and cushioned by all the loving lavender sproutlings. Oh I felt so much love for those plants and my children.
Then my daughter asked me for a strawberry in the lavender field. The silly little thing giggled and laughed at her joke, knowing that the chances of a strawberry being in the field were very slim. Yet I was more than delighted to look with her as we ran and jumped and rolled thru the rows of sweet, earthy plants.
I looked down, superficially looking for a red surprise in the green leaves. Was I ever shocked when I saw a pea size, pink strawberry in the midst! I called my children over and we marvelled at the treat before us. It represented more purity, love, and luck than all the good omens ever found before. It was beautiful.
I doubted the possibility of finding that blessed strawberry. It was the most unexpected thing, and that is exactly what made it beautiful. I had absolutely no control over that strawberry being there or not. The only control I had was whether or not I looked and was ok with finding it. I was so grateful for that strawberry, that beautiful surprise.
When I woke up, I realized that all the best, most amazing things in my life have all been unplanned. My son being brought into this world. My marriage ending and allowing me to start on the path of self-discovery. And my relationship with Love of My Life beginning and ending, each time in their own beautiful way.
I'm very grateful for my Strawberries in the Lavender Fields. And I get that those amazing things only happen when I don't try to control them. Maybe if I can remember this, it wont be so hard to let go of wanting to feel in control..
February 27, 2010
February 21, 2010
Stay Tuned
So.. writing out my last entry has helped me sort a few things out. I was angry, which sends off two red flags for me. First, I'm avoiding feeling pain and seeking an external source to fulfill my need to feel love and control. Second, I'm expecting something and I am disappointed. So I took a look and realizing I'm avoiding feeling lonely and failure and not being good enough. And I expected people around me to be my support, my cheerleaders, and to believe in me when I don't.
What if the two feed off of each other? It clicked for me. I was absolutely expecting other people to fulfill my needs of love and control. I was expecting an external source to give me joy. Seeking external sources for my needs is avoiding in and of itself.
So every time I have an expectation, I am seeking external fulfillment to my needs. I am operating in fear, not love or trust or faith. I am attempting to force things to go the way I want them to. I am seeking outside distractions and entertainment (even if it is just texting him saying, "I'm not having a good day.") to avoid having to focus on the pain I'm feeling by not having my needs met internally. Every single expectation I place on other people is me avoiding.
Its nice to have these two concepts merge. I knew they were both true, but they felt like different worlds. Its comforting and exciting to see them collide so beautifully.
Part of me still wants to hold onto the expectation that those in my life should support me, believe in me, and give me that external strength when I don't feel it myself. But how can I expect strength from them when I don't give it to myself in the first place? And knowing what I know about expectations and avoiding, I'm setting myself up for more pain by relying on them. Its not their job to make me fly.
So..what do I do instead? If relying on others is out and I feel like I can't do it, I'm overwhelmed and frantic, and I don't see how anything other than what I see could be true, how do I feel better? I get that believing in my contract will change the way I see events and thus change my beliefs about myself.
But I just don't FEEL it. I know I once did, even if only briefly. I think I'm scared to feel like a Divine Loving Creative Passionate Woman of Light. Why? Well I don't know yet. Stay tuned, I'm gonna figure it out.
What if the two feed off of each other? It clicked for me. I was absolutely expecting other people to fulfill my needs of love and control. I was expecting an external source to give me joy. Seeking external sources for my needs is avoiding in and of itself.
So every time I have an expectation, I am seeking external fulfillment to my needs. I am operating in fear, not love or trust or faith. I am attempting to force things to go the way I want them to. I am seeking outside distractions and entertainment (even if it is just texting him saying, "I'm not having a good day.") to avoid having to focus on the pain I'm feeling by not having my needs met internally. Every single expectation I place on other people is me avoiding.
Its nice to have these two concepts merge. I knew they were both true, but they felt like different worlds. Its comforting and exciting to see them collide so beautifully.
Part of me still wants to hold onto the expectation that those in my life should support me, believe in me, and give me that external strength when I don't feel it myself. But how can I expect strength from them when I don't give it to myself in the first place? And knowing what I know about expectations and avoiding, I'm setting myself up for more pain by relying on them. Its not their job to make me fly.
So..what do I do instead? If relying on others is out and I feel like I can't do it, I'm overwhelmed and frantic, and I don't see how anything other than what I see could be true, how do I feel better? I get that believing in my contract will change the way I see events and thus change my beliefs about myself.
But I just don't FEEL it. I know I once did, even if only briefly. I think I'm scared to feel like a Divine Loving Creative Passionate Woman of Light. Why? Well I don't know yet. Stay tuned, I'm gonna figure it out.
My Village
I have been having an awful last few days. It started with physical and emotional exhaustion, being pregnant and spending 50 hours at school, taking care of clients for most of it. Running around trying to get everything taken care of outside of school, Bug to daycare, make sure I still spent time with him and fulfilled my promise of taking him to a movie, coming home and trying to clean up the tornado he leaves behind him, all to get crappy sleep with my huge pregnant body and wake up early to do it all again. Im tapped. There is no reserves left to pull from. My body hurts so bad that I want to cry constantly.
So today, I wait and wait, and crave and pray for a chance to have a hot bath. It doesnt make everything feel totally better, but it helps a little. And its a couple minutes to myself to cry and think and recenter. All I wanted was a bath. I think Im finally going to get one when Bug naps, but the damn kid straight up refuses to sleep. He plays and pushes limits and purposefully tests me. He whistles and looks at me to see what Im going to do. Grounding him hasnt worked. Spanking hasnt worked. Putting him alone in his room hasnt worked. Im overwhelmed and defeated and bawling.
So I text him. We've been friendly, still in love with each other, and Ive accepted that we just arent together. I dont push for us to be together. But he is the first person I think of (and talk to some mornings) and usually the last person I talk to at night, on the phone or via text. I vent to him, share breakthrus with him, and have had fun hanging out with him. He is still my best friend. So as Im feeling awful and ache for someone to walk thru this with me, I turned to him. I sent the simple text, "I am not having a good day." And all holy hell broke loose.
He immediately went into fix it mode. He sends back "So what can you change in it?" Dude, it doesnt need to be changed at this moment. And you dont need to be the one trying to change it. I tell him basically that trying to change it isnt going to do any good, and he remains persistant and forceful. I am full on bawling out of frustration and I recognize that I am not in a healthy place. So I end up replying with, "You dont get it, and I am getting more upset. I dont want to talk to you about this right now." So he stops talking to me at all.
I attempt to clarify that I just meant not talking about THAT conversation. He still doesnt talk to me. I tell him that I think flat out that stopping talking to me all together was unnecessary. At which point he calls.
The call went the same as they do.. He said everything he wanted to, cut me off, wouldnt let me speak. He went on his rage, his ramble and went on and on and on about things that wouldnt even be relevant if I could just get a word in to explain!!! The few words Im able to slip in while he is taking a breath are always the same:
"Youre not letting me talk."
Then he goes off again, and reveals his true thoughts:
"I dont need you to talk, I need you to let it go."
Holy selfish narcissism. I am not a puppet made to fill your every need. I have my own needs. EVERYBODY NEEDS TO BE HEARD.
To him in that moment, nothing I needed mattered. I dont matter to him. Only his needs do. And now, frankly, only my needs matter to me. I couldnt give a shit less if he needs me to drop how Im feeling. I need me to explain how and why I feel the way I do. So his needs can fuck off.
Not that I can explain any of this, or that he would listen to a damn word I had to say if I tried explaining this to him. So I pull the phone away so hopefully he wont hear me sobbing. He starts yelling all of his views, and woe be unto any who dare question them. I cry even harder now because he is yelling and I am scared. I try to tell him that I cant continue the conversation any more and of course, he cant understand what I am saying. He says that he is going to hang up, so I hang up too, and I immediately get a text about how I hung up on him. And of course follows the text of how its the same as it always was-like its all my doing.
I just wanted support. I want to know there are people behind me because I dont feel like I can do it on my own. Im barely holding it together as it is, on the brink of losing it all. The thought that we arent meant to do it all alone is the only thing that keeps me going. I dont need them to step in and fix anything. I need someone to listen and be sympathetic. I need people to have faith in me when all my faith is gone. "..It takes a village.." A village of supportive people. I dont have room for more people in my life that doubt me and tell me my every step is wrong. Where is my village?
So today, I wait and wait, and crave and pray for a chance to have a hot bath. It doesnt make everything feel totally better, but it helps a little. And its a couple minutes to myself to cry and think and recenter. All I wanted was a bath. I think Im finally going to get one when Bug naps, but the damn kid straight up refuses to sleep. He plays and pushes limits and purposefully tests me. He whistles and looks at me to see what Im going to do. Grounding him hasnt worked. Spanking hasnt worked. Putting him alone in his room hasnt worked. Im overwhelmed and defeated and bawling.
So I text him. We've been friendly, still in love with each other, and Ive accepted that we just arent together. I dont push for us to be together. But he is the first person I think of (and talk to some mornings) and usually the last person I talk to at night, on the phone or via text. I vent to him, share breakthrus with him, and have had fun hanging out with him. He is still my best friend. So as Im feeling awful and ache for someone to walk thru this with me, I turned to him. I sent the simple text, "I am not having a good day." And all holy hell broke loose.
He immediately went into fix it mode. He sends back "So what can you change in it?" Dude, it doesnt need to be changed at this moment. And you dont need to be the one trying to change it. I tell him basically that trying to change it isnt going to do any good, and he remains persistant and forceful. I am full on bawling out of frustration and I recognize that I am not in a healthy place. So I end up replying with, "You dont get it, and I am getting more upset. I dont want to talk to you about this right now." So he stops talking to me at all.
I attempt to clarify that I just meant not talking about THAT conversation. He still doesnt talk to me. I tell him that I think flat out that stopping talking to me all together was unnecessary. At which point he calls.
The call went the same as they do.. He said everything he wanted to, cut me off, wouldnt let me speak. He went on his rage, his ramble and went on and on and on about things that wouldnt even be relevant if I could just get a word in to explain!!! The few words Im able to slip in while he is taking a breath are always the same:
"Youre not letting me talk."
Then he goes off again, and reveals his true thoughts:
"I dont need you to talk, I need you to let it go."
Holy selfish narcissism. I am not a puppet made to fill your every need. I have my own needs. EVERYBODY NEEDS TO BE HEARD.
To him in that moment, nothing I needed mattered. I dont matter to him. Only his needs do. And now, frankly, only my needs matter to me. I couldnt give a shit less if he needs me to drop how Im feeling. I need me to explain how and why I feel the way I do. So his needs can fuck off.
Not that I can explain any of this, or that he would listen to a damn word I had to say if I tried explaining this to him. So I pull the phone away so hopefully he wont hear me sobbing. He starts yelling all of his views, and woe be unto any who dare question them. I cry even harder now because he is yelling and I am scared. I try to tell him that I cant continue the conversation any more and of course, he cant understand what I am saying. He says that he is going to hang up, so I hang up too, and I immediately get a text about how I hung up on him. And of course follows the text of how its the same as it always was-like its all my doing.
I just wanted support. I want to know there are people behind me because I dont feel like I can do it on my own. Im barely holding it together as it is, on the brink of losing it all. The thought that we arent meant to do it all alone is the only thing that keeps me going. I dont need them to step in and fix anything. I need someone to listen and be sympathetic. I need people to have faith in me when all my faith is gone. "..It takes a village.." A village of supportive people. I dont have room for more people in my life that doubt me and tell me my every step is wrong. Where is my village?
February 5, 2010
Success
"Coming together is a beginning; staying together is progress; working together is success."
- Anonymous
Have to have a common vision, both working together. Supporting and encouraging each other when one gets lost. Climbing that mountain, step by step, pulling the other up instead of dragging each other down. Partners in every hike.
This is what I want. This is what I get to create in my life. Im tired of pulling him down with me because I feel bad. Im tired of acting like mommy and worrying about his growth as I sit at the bottom of the mountain. Im tired of only climbing that mountain after him, trying to catch up and prove I am good enough to be loved. I get to climb. And as I climb, I get to pull people up with me, lend a helping hand, but only when I first have a strong grip and am climbing that mountain FOR ME.
I get to share my hike with lots of amazing people around me. We have our beginning, we make our progress, and succeed when we work together. My family and friends are my village, my support as a single mom. My children are my amazing partners as we create our family and trek thru our journey. And maybe one day, Ill have that one partner I seek.
- Anonymous
Have to have a common vision, both working together. Supporting and encouraging each other when one gets lost. Climbing that mountain, step by step, pulling the other up instead of dragging each other down. Partners in every hike.
This is what I want. This is what I get to create in my life. Im tired of pulling him down with me because I feel bad. Im tired of acting like mommy and worrying about his growth as I sit at the bottom of the mountain. Im tired of only climbing that mountain after him, trying to catch up and prove I am good enough to be loved. I get to climb. And as I climb, I get to pull people up with me, lend a helping hand, but only when I first have a strong grip and am climbing that mountain FOR ME.
I get to share my hike with lots of amazing people around me. We have our beginning, we make our progress, and succeed when we work together. My family and friends are my village, my support as a single mom. My children are my amazing partners as we create our family and trek thru our journey. And maybe one day, Ill have that one partner I seek.
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