"Thomas Edison found 1000 ways to NOT make a light bulb. He never once had a failure."
-Unknown
The first thing that came up for me when I read this quote was that all the times I try to figure out my life and make no progress, Im still not failing. Im figuring out what I DONT want in life.
But even more powerful to me is that its all about perspective. Maybe the horrible things in my life are just horrible because of how I see them right now. And maybe its time for a new perspective.
November 25, 2009
Lost Today
Life has been really different now that Ive been (somewhat) accountable in my own life. But Ive had a really bad day today..
I still feel really guilty for what I did to Mr Rebound. He was certainly not blameless in how things happened, but he opened his heart and home to me and I essentially ripped out his heart and told him that he just wasnt good enough. What he doesnt get is that I am the one who just wasnt good enough. I wasnt emotionally available to him because Im still so caught up, head over heels for the man whose baby I carry inside me. I didnt realize what I was doing to Mr Rebound, which is perhaps what scares me the most. If I didnt mean to do it to him, its very plausible that I will be hurt in the same way by someone else not meaning harm either. And I am scared shitless.
My guilt and fear leave me scarred and its easy for the man who knows me best to pick up on my energy. The Love of My Life tells me that I can be honest with him about what is going on for me, so I tell him the truth about myself. I admit all my faults and fears and leave myself vulnerable.
Nevermind that shattering sound. It was just my heart as you tell me that you want to take steps backwards with our relationship, that is virtually nonexistant anyway. You want to be with me even less because of what I told you. Unconditional Love MY ASS!
Oh, but if I tell him that Im hurt, the same shit happens. He ends the conversation and blames me for all of it. Yep, you are right, I do have choices (thanks, by the way, for throwing that back in my face). I can choose between telling him the open and honest truth (and subsequently he leaves me again) or I can close off. But he doesnt see how he has only left me the two choices. And its even more proof that I cannot be open and honest about how Im feeling without some backlash from him.
Because feeling rejected from one huge source in my life isnt enough, home life is a catastrophe. Im guilt tripped because I dont spend enough time here, yet when I am home, its absolutely miserable. Im told that I am a burden to those living here, an inconvience. Yet, at the same time, Im told in no uncertain terms that Im horrible for not being home and spending time with those who enjoy me. Every single moment is awful and I want to get away from it.
Why do I let it all get to me? Because I rely on those around me to determine how much Im worth.
On top of everything, Im dealing with a new, changing pregnant body. Hormones are definately still flying and Im overcome with the urge to cry at everything. I feel fat and ugly at the looseness surrounding my entire body, attributed to pregnancy hormones detoning every muscle. I do not feel beautiful or motherly or angelic like I remember feeling with my first pregnancy. My stomach is huge, big even for the 5 months along that I am. And being unemployed for several months, I do not have money to purchase clothes that fit or flatter my new shape. I dont even have money to satisfy my cravings for snacks. Hormones have also blessed me with acne and stringy, flat hair. Every time I look in the mirror, its a struggle to not be repulsed. But again, no one seems to understand or have sympathy. And I just want to be beautiful again.
Im lost again today.
I still feel really guilty for what I did to Mr Rebound. He was certainly not blameless in how things happened, but he opened his heart and home to me and I essentially ripped out his heart and told him that he just wasnt good enough. What he doesnt get is that I am the one who just wasnt good enough. I wasnt emotionally available to him because Im still so caught up, head over heels for the man whose baby I carry inside me. I didnt realize what I was doing to Mr Rebound, which is perhaps what scares me the most. If I didnt mean to do it to him, its very plausible that I will be hurt in the same way by someone else not meaning harm either. And I am scared shitless.
My guilt and fear leave me scarred and its easy for the man who knows me best to pick up on my energy. The Love of My Life tells me that I can be honest with him about what is going on for me, so I tell him the truth about myself. I admit all my faults and fears and leave myself vulnerable.
Nevermind that shattering sound. It was just my heart as you tell me that you want to take steps backwards with our relationship, that is virtually nonexistant anyway. You want to be with me even less because of what I told you. Unconditional Love MY ASS!
Oh, but if I tell him that Im hurt, the same shit happens. He ends the conversation and blames me for all of it. Yep, you are right, I do have choices (thanks, by the way, for throwing that back in my face). I can choose between telling him the open and honest truth (and subsequently he leaves me again) or I can close off. But he doesnt see how he has only left me the two choices. And its even more proof that I cannot be open and honest about how Im feeling without some backlash from him.
Because feeling rejected from one huge source in my life isnt enough, home life is a catastrophe. Im guilt tripped because I dont spend enough time here, yet when I am home, its absolutely miserable. Im told that I am a burden to those living here, an inconvience. Yet, at the same time, Im told in no uncertain terms that Im horrible for not being home and spending time with those who enjoy me. Every single moment is awful and I want to get away from it.
Why do I let it all get to me? Because I rely on those around me to determine how much Im worth.
On top of everything, Im dealing with a new, changing pregnant body. Hormones are definately still flying and Im overcome with the urge to cry at everything. I feel fat and ugly at the looseness surrounding my entire body, attributed to pregnancy hormones detoning every muscle. I do not feel beautiful or motherly or angelic like I remember feeling with my first pregnancy. My stomach is huge, big even for the 5 months along that I am. And being unemployed for several months, I do not have money to purchase clothes that fit or flatter my new shape. I dont even have money to satisfy my cravings for snacks. Hormones have also blessed me with acne and stringy, flat hair. Every time I look in the mirror, its a struggle to not be repulsed. But again, no one seems to understand or have sympathy. And I just want to be beautiful again.
Im lost again today.
November 17, 2009
New Path Along The Journey
In the days between My Breakdown on the Interstate (copyrighting this for a book one day, I swear) and when I finally spoke with the Guru, I lost my apartment and job, again. The owner of the business and complex attempted to push his way into my unit while I was undressed, and I very rudely told him NO! What he did was a felony, but that does not justify or excuse the way I spoke to him. He fired me the next day, citing monetary reasons but telling other employees that I was just "too snotty" to work with. My work performance was spotless and above and beyond for only having worked there for a week. Without the job, I could not keep the apartment.
The amazing friend I lived near took my troubles very personally and developed an unhealthy state of responsibility for me. I felt bad, so I basically removed myself completely from her life. I stopped being at home, because that was also where she was. I stopped hanging out and giving details of my life to her. I spent a lot of time at my parents house, and at the same time, I started dating Mr Rebound and spent a ridiculous amount of time at his house. Avoiding, and I knew it.
I kept my relationship with him very secretive because I was afraid of the judgment I would get from my friends and family if they knew I was dating while I was pregnant. Hell, I knew I shouldnt be dating at the time. Finally, it all came out. I let him into my life and introduced him to my family. I was losing my housing so I moved into my parents house but spent all my time at his house.
I learned so much from Mr Rebound. First of all, that I was rebounding. I didnt want a relationship, I just didnt want to be alone. I wanted to avoid and escape. And because I didnt really want to be in a relationship, I caused fights to create reason to leave and break up. Singing my Victim Story all the way. Second, I learned what it is like to date someone else with kids. I have a whole new compassion for Mr Leave Me Alone and what he went thru with Bug. I get how it is possible to love someone else's kid so fully but not be able to be in a relationship with the parent. I finally get the difficulties of meeting and being around that child's mother, the ex wife of Mr Rebound. And I finally get the fear he must have experienced entering into my family when it had already been established as me and Bug. Lastly, I learned what it is like to be in a place I could never consider home. I was always so hurt by Mr Leave Me Alone's rejection of my home, because it was never his house or home. Even if he lived there, it was all my things and the hesitation that came from moving or touching anything. I have a whole new respect and empathy for the turmoil he experienced.
After ending the relationship with Mr Rebound, I felt supremely guilty because I knew exactly the rejection and loss he must be feeling. And I am accountable for creating that pain for him. Yet, I know ending it was the right thing for both of us and that he will find who he is really looking for eventually. The person who I was being was not who I really am. There are only two men who know Who I Really Am and Was Created To Be, and one is still sitting on his cloud throne smiling and laughing at the progress Im making.
The biggest lesson I learned from the relationship with Mr Rebound was to trust myself. I knew that it didnt feel right being with him. I knew there was something that was missing from our relationship, that spark, that recognition of each other's souls. I convinced myself that it was unnecessary, and ignored the feeling inside me that told me he wasnt the one I was meant to be with. The moment I ended the relationship, I knew that OF COURSE I didnt feel those things with him, because I was still feeling that recognition for Mr Leave Me Alone, and I could only feel it for one person.
Mr Leave Me Alone is not who he truly is. It was a facade he had on to learn his own very important lessons. He is, and will always be The Love of My Life, and the father of my child. No matter how much I shut off my heart to avoid feeling that love for him, no matter how many ways I ignore him and cut him out of my life or mind, no matter how many times he breaks my heart into a million peices, he will always be the one. Deep down, I love Who He Really Is and Was Created To Be.
Even tho I truly love this man, I cannot resume the life I had with him. I have some very negative habits that I get to resolve first. Together as a couple, we had too many negative habits and routines that cannot be shifted from inside that space. I get to continue working on myself, take up the journaling that I avoided and take a deep look at myself, no matter how scary that might be.
I am truly amazed at that bit of clarity that came thru when I finally took a step in the right direction. When I finally followed those feeling in myself to leave that rebound relationship, I could finally see what I was really doing, what I had learned, and that I deserved to stop avoiding myself. I get to make major shifts in my life, not to change me, but to change my habits that lead to My Breakdown on the Interstate. As I opened that space in my life, I gained clarity and peace in my dealings with the Love of My Life and saw him for who he truly is. As I follow this path, I am gaining new insight every day on how I am avoiding and how I am living my victim story and how I am hurting those around me. I am blessed to have him and God walking beside me hand-in-hand-in-hand along this new path I get to pave in my life.
The amazing friend I lived near took my troubles very personally and developed an unhealthy state of responsibility for me. I felt bad, so I basically removed myself completely from her life. I stopped being at home, because that was also where she was. I stopped hanging out and giving details of my life to her. I spent a lot of time at my parents house, and at the same time, I started dating Mr Rebound and spent a ridiculous amount of time at his house. Avoiding, and I knew it.
I kept my relationship with him very secretive because I was afraid of the judgment I would get from my friends and family if they knew I was dating while I was pregnant. Hell, I knew I shouldnt be dating at the time. Finally, it all came out. I let him into my life and introduced him to my family. I was losing my housing so I moved into my parents house but spent all my time at his house.
I learned so much from Mr Rebound. First of all, that I was rebounding. I didnt want a relationship, I just didnt want to be alone. I wanted to avoid and escape. And because I didnt really want to be in a relationship, I caused fights to create reason to leave and break up. Singing my Victim Story all the way. Second, I learned what it is like to date someone else with kids. I have a whole new compassion for Mr Leave Me Alone and what he went thru with Bug. I get how it is possible to love someone else's kid so fully but not be able to be in a relationship with the parent. I finally get the difficulties of meeting and being around that child's mother, the ex wife of Mr Rebound. And I finally get the fear he must have experienced entering into my family when it had already been established as me and Bug. Lastly, I learned what it is like to be in a place I could never consider home. I was always so hurt by Mr Leave Me Alone's rejection of my home, because it was never his house or home. Even if he lived there, it was all my things and the hesitation that came from moving or touching anything. I have a whole new respect and empathy for the turmoil he experienced.
After ending the relationship with Mr Rebound, I felt supremely guilty because I knew exactly the rejection and loss he must be feeling. And I am accountable for creating that pain for him. Yet, I know ending it was the right thing for both of us and that he will find who he is really looking for eventually. The person who I was being was not who I really am. There are only two men who know Who I Really Am and Was Created To Be, and one is still sitting on his cloud throne smiling and laughing at the progress Im making.
The biggest lesson I learned from the relationship with Mr Rebound was to trust myself. I knew that it didnt feel right being with him. I knew there was something that was missing from our relationship, that spark, that recognition of each other's souls. I convinced myself that it was unnecessary, and ignored the feeling inside me that told me he wasnt the one I was meant to be with. The moment I ended the relationship, I knew that OF COURSE I didnt feel those things with him, because I was still feeling that recognition for Mr Leave Me Alone, and I could only feel it for one person.
Mr Leave Me Alone is not who he truly is. It was a facade he had on to learn his own very important lessons. He is, and will always be The Love of My Life, and the father of my child. No matter how much I shut off my heart to avoid feeling that love for him, no matter how many ways I ignore him and cut him out of my life or mind, no matter how many times he breaks my heart into a million peices, he will always be the one. Deep down, I love Who He Really Is and Was Created To Be.
Even tho I truly love this man, I cannot resume the life I had with him. I have some very negative habits that I get to resolve first. Together as a couple, we had too many negative habits and routines that cannot be shifted from inside that space. I get to continue working on myself, take up the journaling that I avoided and take a deep look at myself, no matter how scary that might be.
I am truly amazed at that bit of clarity that came thru when I finally took a step in the right direction. When I finally followed those feeling in myself to leave that rebound relationship, I could finally see what I was really doing, what I had learned, and that I deserved to stop avoiding myself. I get to make major shifts in my life, not to change me, but to change my habits that lead to My Breakdown on the Interstate. As I opened that space in my life, I gained clarity and peace in my dealings with the Love of My Life and saw him for who he truly is. As I follow this path, I am gaining new insight every day on how I am avoiding and how I am living my victim story and how I am hurting those around me. I am blessed to have him and God walking beside me hand-in-hand-in-hand along this new path I get to pave in my life.
When Will I Learn?
I moved on the week that marked the anniversary of him and I meeting and instantly falling in love. The last 2 posts were both during that week. A day later, I broke down and gave into those feelings I had for him. I wrote him a letter, remembering what he told me the night he first said he loved me, the night I first gave into loving him. He told me that my past and my mistakes were not why he was in love with me. How perfectly fitting for him to say, considering the many mistakes we both had made in our relationship together. I dropped the letter and a bottle of sparkling cider off at his doorstep after a night of moving.
I did not write the letter for any specific reaction or for him to suddenly say, "You're right, let's be together." I wanted him to know how I was feeling, and that I remembered the significance of that night. Altho, it did not even enter my mind that he would be so upset at me for leaving that letter. I went right back to a scared and small place, hiding from his venom.
I was devastated after that final blow. What had I done to be so unlovable to the man I loved so fully? I was so hurt and began questioning why to even continue living. The same senarios that played before my eyes last April sprung straight to the surface again. Instantly, I felt insanely guilty because I not only wanted to end my life, but the life of my unborn child and my living, breathing, wonderful bundle of happiness in the backseat. I stopped the car, right there on the side of the freeway and sobbed until I had no more fluids or emotion in me. I knew my kids deserved me to seek assistance so I texted the only person I could trust to assist me, The Guru. Unfortunately, The Guru is also his brother.
It was several days before I actually got to speak to him, and by that point, I had put several layers of armor back on. Hiding in my little cave, I answered the phone and was immediately put on the defensive. It was difficult for me to even ask for help, and when I did, I was told my life was a complete mess because of me. That everything in my life was my fault, and that nothing in my life would get better until I changed.
It was a slap in the face. When I started to defend myself, I was told that I was untrustworthy and manipulative and that I was still spinning and stuck in my Victim Story. Poor, poor pitiful you, snap out of it. I felt like he just kept telling me how everything that happened with his brother was my fault, and that he was some kind of saint now while I was still the megabitch. I kept asking him to stop talking about Mr Leave Me Alone, but he refused. Finally, some of the things that he shared with me sunk in a little bit.
It is still hard for me to write this even now, because I still feel hurt and defensive about the way he approached it and the things he said. I get that he had a lot of anger towards me, and I still feel like he blames me for his brother's hard times. I dont like being told I need to change, because I feel like Im being told Im not good enough the way I am. I want to tell my story of how picked on I was, how I just cant find anyone to love me, and how I am a product of my environment. I want to be the victim, because if I get pity from other people, I dont have to love myself.
I was given a homework assignment to take a deep long look into my life and journal. Journal about what I really want, to feel the way I feel when I blame everyone but myself or to actualize my dreams come true. I literally wrote, on the sheet where I wrote my homework, Fuck You Guru. I tried to journal and every time I did, it was very shallow. I was not admitting any accountability in my life and I wasnt getting any where. I could see that I was being shallow, and yet as I kept journaling, nothing changed! I got very frustrated and gave up for the time being. And I said a permanent farewell to Mr Leave Me Alone.
I shared with a friend that I was done with him and needed distractions to not think of him ever again. She obliged with a nice, well-meaning single dad she thought I would hit it off with. I threw my hands up in the air and said, What the Hell. I met him and started dating him the next week. What a perfect distraction from having to think about working on myself. When will I learn? When will I grow up and take control of my own life?
I did not write the letter for any specific reaction or for him to suddenly say, "You're right, let's be together." I wanted him to know how I was feeling, and that I remembered the significance of that night. Altho, it did not even enter my mind that he would be so upset at me for leaving that letter. I went right back to a scared and small place, hiding from his venom.
I was devastated after that final blow. What had I done to be so unlovable to the man I loved so fully? I was so hurt and began questioning why to even continue living. The same senarios that played before my eyes last April sprung straight to the surface again. Instantly, I felt insanely guilty because I not only wanted to end my life, but the life of my unborn child and my living, breathing, wonderful bundle of happiness in the backseat. I stopped the car, right there on the side of the freeway and sobbed until I had no more fluids or emotion in me. I knew my kids deserved me to seek assistance so I texted the only person I could trust to assist me, The Guru. Unfortunately, The Guru is also his brother.
It was several days before I actually got to speak to him, and by that point, I had put several layers of armor back on. Hiding in my little cave, I answered the phone and was immediately put on the defensive. It was difficult for me to even ask for help, and when I did, I was told my life was a complete mess because of me. That everything in my life was my fault, and that nothing in my life would get better until I changed.
It was a slap in the face. When I started to defend myself, I was told that I was untrustworthy and manipulative and that I was still spinning and stuck in my Victim Story. Poor, poor pitiful you, snap out of it. I felt like he just kept telling me how everything that happened with his brother was my fault, and that he was some kind of saint now while I was still the megabitch. I kept asking him to stop talking about Mr Leave Me Alone, but he refused. Finally, some of the things that he shared with me sunk in a little bit.
It is still hard for me to write this even now, because I still feel hurt and defensive about the way he approached it and the things he said. I get that he had a lot of anger towards me, and I still feel like he blames me for his brother's hard times. I dont like being told I need to change, because I feel like Im being told Im not good enough the way I am. I want to tell my story of how picked on I was, how I just cant find anyone to love me, and how I am a product of my environment. I want to be the victim, because if I get pity from other people, I dont have to love myself.
I was given a homework assignment to take a deep long look into my life and journal. Journal about what I really want, to feel the way I feel when I blame everyone but myself or to actualize my dreams come true. I literally wrote, on the sheet where I wrote my homework, Fuck You Guru. I tried to journal and every time I did, it was very shallow. I was not admitting any accountability in my life and I wasnt getting any where. I could see that I was being shallow, and yet as I kept journaling, nothing changed! I got very frustrated and gave up for the time being. And I said a permanent farewell to Mr Leave Me Alone.
I shared with a friend that I was done with him and needed distractions to not think of him ever again. She obliged with a nice, well-meaning single dad she thought I would hit it off with. I threw my hands up in the air and said, What the Hell. I met him and started dating him the next week. What a perfect distraction from having to think about working on myself. When will I learn? When will I grow up and take control of my own life?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)