A year ago he placed it on my finger.
Pulled me onto his lap and told me the words
every girl wants to hear.
I pulled it out today,
from the secret corner where I
save it for my daughter,
a reminder of the
powerful and passionate love
we once shared.
I wear it and cry.
Cry for all the dreams that were lost,
for all the hurt and pain I inflicted
and received.
Cry for the wounds that havent
scarred over yet.
Cry for my daughters path
and the obstacles she will face.
It is more dull than in my memory,
yet, somehow,
still shimmers and glistens.
The beauty untouched.
I am overcome with gratitude for the wonderful things he brought to me.
My daughter.
My hope.
My life.
The same forces that sent me down
the darkest depths of hell
lit my trail to track my footsteps.
Never the same,
yet never the same.
Never was I more proud than to wear this mans ring.
Did I feel more alive.
Did I feel more afraid.
Did I feel.
I fight to put it back.
Reluctant to remove it from
its perfect home.
Safely nestled in its box,
I hold it close and whisper out a prayer.
Doubtful of its possibility,
but addicted to its prospect.
Please, stay.
.
December 24, 2011
June 21, 2011
Perspective Schmective
I joked (in my head, mostly) about how long today was going to be. I had no idea.
My daughter is screaming. All day and night. No seriously. Like she is being murdered and my soul crings every time. She won't sleep and refuses to calm down for even a moment. She also is pushing every boundary possible. And throwing that damn cup from her crib when its way past her bedtime. Then screaming.
My son just got home from two weeks with his dad so we are experiencing some readjustment time and I'm getting more frustrated than I probably should. Luckily he is snoring softly under my chin at the moment.
I also go on tv bright and early tomorrow to promote my new work and do a demonstration. So tonight I am helping get the website ready for launch which means I'm a little stressed and inevitably picking at my face which should look great for the hundreds of viewers tomorrow.
And then I find out that the man I love, the one I made out with a few days ago? Yeah. He is moving forward with his life. And I'm not going to be a part of it. I knew this day would come and really Im happy and excited for him. Its about time he realized his rockin awesome power and incredible self. My daughter's life will be forever blessed because of the moment tonight of overcoming his fears.
And yet I feel heart broken. The underlying belief? I'm not good enough to be moving forward at his side. I'm not going to be a part of his life because I suck. Ok, processing myself in 3..2...1.....
Correction: I did suck. I didnt feel good enough or worthy. ::Deep breath:: I do not believe lies. I believe Truth! So.. New belief: I trust God and the Universe that I am on my best path and he is on his. Those who are meant to be in my life and with me on my journey will be. Just like you invisible readers.
So I'm sure all these stresses today come back to the negative self-beliefs that snuck their lil heads back into my beautiful day. And then they feed on each other like rabbits in a secluded forest.
Because the Truth is, I have been given an incredible family, an incredible job, and the most incredible lessons I could ever ask for. And an extra amount of sunlight to live my incredible life in today. How's that for perspective.
My daughter is screaming. All day and night. No seriously. Like she is being murdered and my soul crings every time. She won't sleep and refuses to calm down for even a moment. She also is pushing every boundary possible. And throwing that damn cup from her crib when its way past her bedtime. Then screaming.
My son just got home from two weeks with his dad so we are experiencing some readjustment time and I'm getting more frustrated than I probably should. Luckily he is snoring softly under my chin at the moment.
I also go on tv bright and early tomorrow to promote my new work and do a demonstration. So tonight I am helping get the website ready for launch which means I'm a little stressed and inevitably picking at my face which should look great for the hundreds of viewers tomorrow.
And then I find out that the man I love, the one I made out with a few days ago? Yeah. He is moving forward with his life. And I'm not going to be a part of it. I knew this day would come and really Im happy and excited for him. Its about time he realized his rockin awesome power and incredible self. My daughter's life will be forever blessed because of the moment tonight of overcoming his fears.
And yet I feel heart broken. The underlying belief? I'm not good enough to be moving forward at his side. I'm not going to be a part of his life because I suck. Ok, processing myself in 3..2...1.....
Correction: I did suck. I didnt feel good enough or worthy. ::Deep breath:: I do not believe lies. I believe Truth! So.. New belief: I trust God and the Universe that I am on my best path and he is on his. Those who are meant to be in my life and with me on my journey will be. Just like you invisible readers.
So I'm sure all these stresses today come back to the negative self-beliefs that snuck their lil heads back into my beautiful day. And then they feed on each other like rabbits in a secluded forest.
Because the Truth is, I have been given an incredible family, an incredible job, and the most incredible lessons I could ever ask for. And an extra amount of sunlight to live my incredible life in today. How's that for perspective.
June 16, 2011
This Post Is About Relationships
I am going to an incredible seminar where I thought I would be learning how to find prosperity by mixing spirituality and business. I know it seems like a lot of these posts on this blog are about relationships (and my many failed attempts at them) but that is because I have other outlets for the breakthrus I am realizing in the rest of my life!
So. This post is about Relationships. Get over it.
I was sitting and talking with a man who would love to live his purpose by helping people in their marriages and get paid for it. He told me that no relationship really has to be over (at least that is what I heard..) I quickly jumped to tell him that I SUCK AT RELATIONSHIPS. Most readers here would agree. He told me immediately to stop thinking that way.
I told him I realize that I create what I put out there and Im at the stage right now where I NEED to be accountable and OWN that I really do suck at relationships. I have no idea how to be in a healthy relationship without eventually degrading back into codependancy and desperation. My insecurities seem to take over and I forget how to BE me!
On my drive home, I was thinking about a concept I learned in regards to my body, specifically how I give myself excuses to stay in my Identity as a victim. I realized in the session that I DONT really want to be fit and sexy because then I WOULD GET ATTENTION. I find control in being a victim (Im too fat to be loved, and I cant work out or eat right because I dont have the time or money and I would be neglecting my kids) and use it as a temporary fix for the lack of POWER I own. And then I realized how much I more relaxed during sex I could be if I wasnt so disgusted with my own body. Of course.. I think of him.
I start thinking about our relationship and how much I fucked it all up. How much I suck at relationships. Wait a minute.. there is a link here somewh... LIGHT BULB.
I DONT WANT A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP. I have been getting so much out of being a victim and being "left" by every single man Ive ever known. (Biblically). (You can laugh, Im funny). (Anyway back to the amazing break thrus). I sabotage every relationship because I dont want to be in it. Even when it comes to friendships and business relationships, Im the queen of driving people away. And in driving people away I create proof for myself of why I am worthless and I suck at relationships. I tell myself I dont know how to be in a relationship so I dont have to go looking for a relationship and be hurt again.
Because I have a deep seeded belief that I only realized today: Relationships=Pain. Always. Period. Relationships=Hard. Relationships=Lonliness. Relationships=Vulnerable=Victim which REALLY = I am afraid someone will see my power and I WONT HAVE ANY MORE VICTIM EXCUSES TO HIDE BEHIND!!
So I started investigating where I decided to believe this shit. My very first relationship ideas were formed by watching my parents, so as I go into my very first relationship at the age of 15 I saw my parents, his parents, and ourselves falling into a pattern.. The woman must be submissive, over-controlled, and the relationship must be codependant. And I did a DAMN fine job for a little while filling that role.
For those that know me now, that is quite hard to imagine me being submissive. Well maybe not for those who REALLY know me. But I put on quite a hard-ass face and pretend to be one tough bitch. I may do what you want for a little while, but eventually I push back. Hard. So when I no longer was submissive, I felt disconnect and I thought I failed at my marriage. I failed at my relationship. And I felt completely alone. So I decided that since I am not submissive, cheery, and generally kind and loveable, I must suck at relationships all together. I suck and I attracted a man who would verbally confirm all the way that I suck. A wonderful man whose flaws poured salt into my weaknesses.
You get what you put out there.
I planned to fail. Since Im going to ruin this relationship, Im going to get hurt so Im going to do every trick in the book to avoid feeling any pain when this relationship ends. I withdrew, I blamed, I guilt-tripped, I pushed him away and made it unsafe for him to make mistakes. And when the relationship ended, the pain I caused myself only proved that I am a horrible partner.
So I have realized a couple of actions I get to take to heal this in myself.. First. I get to stop IDENTIFYING myself as sucking at relationships. In this moment, it is all behind me. I want to heal my relationships and create lasting connections and peace. I can realize and be accountable for the way I have shown up in my relationships and own the limiting beliefs I have about them without attaching it to who I am and my worth. That very smart man knew that and tried to share it with me but I rejected it until I came to it on my own. Not the first time I have taken the hard road..
The second thing is that I get to get really frickin' clear on what I want from a relationship, why I want it, and what I offer in a relationship. I want a man who is kind, respectful, loving, strong and beautiful, inside and out. Why I want those things can go to a very unhealthy space at the moment, which is why I dont feel ready for a relationship. As for what I offer.. Im still figuring that out. I have a good idea of who I am and why I am here but all of my gifts and talents remain undiscovered. For tonight.
And if you saw this crazy lady frazzled and jotting down all of these amazing insights in my note pad on my way home, thank you for not flipping me off!
So. This post is about Relationships. Get over it.
I was sitting and talking with a man who would love to live his purpose by helping people in their marriages and get paid for it. He told me that no relationship really has to be over (at least that is what I heard..) I quickly jumped to tell him that I SUCK AT RELATIONSHIPS. Most readers here would agree. He told me immediately to stop thinking that way.
I told him I realize that I create what I put out there and Im at the stage right now where I NEED to be accountable and OWN that I really do suck at relationships. I have no idea how to be in a healthy relationship without eventually degrading back into codependancy and desperation. My insecurities seem to take over and I forget how to BE me!
On my drive home, I was thinking about a concept I learned in regards to my body, specifically how I give myself excuses to stay in my Identity as a victim. I realized in the session that I DONT really want to be fit and sexy because then I WOULD GET ATTENTION. I find control in being a victim (Im too fat to be loved, and I cant work out or eat right because I dont have the time or money and I would be neglecting my kids) and use it as a temporary fix for the lack of POWER I own. And then I realized how much I more relaxed during sex I could be if I wasnt so disgusted with my own body. Of course.. I think of him.
I start thinking about our relationship and how much I fucked it all up. How much I suck at relationships. Wait a minute.. there is a link here somewh... LIGHT BULB.
I DONT WANT A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP. I have been getting so much out of being a victim and being "left" by every single man Ive ever known. (Biblically). (You can laugh, Im funny). (Anyway back to the amazing break thrus). I sabotage every relationship because I dont want to be in it. Even when it comes to friendships and business relationships, Im the queen of driving people away. And in driving people away I create proof for myself of why I am worthless and I suck at relationships. I tell myself I dont know how to be in a relationship so I dont have to go looking for a relationship and be hurt again.
Because I have a deep seeded belief that I only realized today: Relationships=Pain. Always. Period. Relationships=Hard. Relationships=Lonliness. Relationships=Vulnerable=Victim which REALLY = I am afraid someone will see my power and I WONT HAVE ANY MORE VICTIM EXCUSES TO HIDE BEHIND!!
So I started investigating where I decided to believe this shit. My very first relationship ideas were formed by watching my parents, so as I go into my very first relationship at the age of 15 I saw my parents, his parents, and ourselves falling into a pattern.. The woman must be submissive, over-controlled, and the relationship must be codependant. And I did a DAMN fine job for a little while filling that role.
For those that know me now, that is quite hard to imagine me being submissive. Well maybe not for those who REALLY know me. But I put on quite a hard-ass face and pretend to be one tough bitch. I may do what you want for a little while, but eventually I push back. Hard. So when I no longer was submissive, I felt disconnect and I thought I failed at my marriage. I failed at my relationship. And I felt completely alone. So I decided that since I am not submissive, cheery, and generally kind and loveable, I must suck at relationships all together. I suck and I attracted a man who would verbally confirm all the way that I suck. A wonderful man whose flaws poured salt into my weaknesses.
You get what you put out there.
I planned to fail. Since Im going to ruin this relationship, Im going to get hurt so Im going to do every trick in the book to avoid feeling any pain when this relationship ends. I withdrew, I blamed, I guilt-tripped, I pushed him away and made it unsafe for him to make mistakes. And when the relationship ended, the pain I caused myself only proved that I am a horrible partner.
So I have realized a couple of actions I get to take to heal this in myself.. First. I get to stop IDENTIFYING myself as sucking at relationships. In this moment, it is all behind me. I want to heal my relationships and create lasting connections and peace. I can realize and be accountable for the way I have shown up in my relationships and own the limiting beliefs I have about them without attaching it to who I am and my worth. That very smart man knew that and tried to share it with me but I rejected it until I came to it on my own. Not the first time I have taken the hard road..
The second thing is that I get to get really frickin' clear on what I want from a relationship, why I want it, and what I offer in a relationship. I want a man who is kind, respectful, loving, strong and beautiful, inside and out. Why I want those things can go to a very unhealthy space at the moment, which is why I dont feel ready for a relationship. As for what I offer.. Im still figuring that out. I have a good idea of who I am and why I am here but all of my gifts and talents remain undiscovered. For tonight.
And if you saw this crazy lady frazzled and jotting down all of these amazing insights in my note pad on my way home, thank you for not flipping me off!
June 5, 2011
Magic Red Carpet Style
Just thinking about this post makes me want to cry.
The last time I wrote, I was on a huge spiritual high coming off of a lesson gifted to me by an old friend. I vowed to open myself up and have faith, especially with God. The big man came thru in a terrific and surprisingly swift way..
As I lay in bed night after night, worrying and wondering what I was doing wrong in my business. I was soaking up information as fast as I could find it. I was implementing all the "tried and true" tips and tricks and persevering. My heart, soul, and life was all consumed in my work, every single day. Bringing clients in, writing useful information for clients, refining my soul as to send out the best energy possible. Day and night, I WORKED. Finally, I had this conversation with the Universe and God:
"You want faith? Fine. You've got it. I give up. Ive been praying for a miracle for weeks now. If my business failing is what it takes, if that is your path for me? It sucks. But I am trusting you. Putting my faith in you. And there better be a big pay off.."
I officially opened myself up for whatever was to come next. The VERY NEXT DAY. I received an email from a potential contact that I had been trying to get a hold of for weeks. It contained a name. No phone number, no email, no link. Just a name, and an indication that she was looking for someone like me.
So I used my mad skills, found a phone number, and called the woman. She wasnt looking for someone like me. She was looking FOR ME.
It looks like I don't need to worry about my business. I have someone else's business to bless for a while. With a steady paycheck and flexible hours. With someone who sees the world thru the same lense I do. Who is in love with my passion and purpose. Who can see my value and wants to present it to the world. Who is giving me the perfect opportunity to work on setting boundaries and being confident. Who is going to pay me to do what I love. I love her for that.
All because I put faith in the Lord that the best path will appear under my feet if I just take a step into the dark. Magic red carpet style.
I am so happy, and altho not everything is perfectly laid out yet, I am so glad to FEEL EXCITED again! Its been so long. Its nice to be back. I am so grateful for all the things that have "fallen thru" lately.. they have all set me up for greatness. Opened a new door. The funny thing is, I had been receiving the notice from the Universe that something was coming for weeks, thru the sages and guides I have in my virtual world. I was ready and perfectly prepped.
If my relationship hadn't ended, I wouldn't have the clarity to see and accept this offer. If promises weren't left unfulfilled in my business relationships, I wouldn't have been open to a new offer. If I had been booked to the brim with clients, I wouldn't have had the time for self and business reflection that has lead me to this insanely cool group of successful business owners!
I am gratitude incarnate. I am especially grateful for the opportunity to address this journal again and grow into earning A Spirit of Love. If you read this, thank you. Thank you for allowing me to send this into the world.
The last time I wrote, I was on a huge spiritual high coming off of a lesson gifted to me by an old friend. I vowed to open myself up and have faith, especially with God. The big man came thru in a terrific and surprisingly swift way..
As I lay in bed night after night, worrying and wondering what I was doing wrong in my business. I was soaking up information as fast as I could find it. I was implementing all the "tried and true" tips and tricks and persevering. My heart, soul, and life was all consumed in my work, every single day. Bringing clients in, writing useful information for clients, refining my soul as to send out the best energy possible. Day and night, I WORKED. Finally, I had this conversation with the Universe and God:
"You want faith? Fine. You've got it. I give up. Ive been praying for a miracle for weeks now. If my business failing is what it takes, if that is your path for me? It sucks. But I am trusting you. Putting my faith in you. And there better be a big pay off.."
I officially opened myself up for whatever was to come next. The VERY NEXT DAY. I received an email from a potential contact that I had been trying to get a hold of for weeks. It contained a name. No phone number, no email, no link. Just a name, and an indication that she was looking for someone like me.
So I used my mad skills, found a phone number, and called the woman. She wasnt looking for someone like me. She was looking FOR ME.
It looks like I don't need to worry about my business. I have someone else's business to bless for a while. With a steady paycheck and flexible hours. With someone who sees the world thru the same lense I do. Who is in love with my passion and purpose. Who can see my value and wants to present it to the world. Who is giving me the perfect opportunity to work on setting boundaries and being confident. Who is going to pay me to do what I love. I love her for that.
All because I put faith in the Lord that the best path will appear under my feet if I just take a step into the dark. Magic red carpet style.
I am so happy, and altho not everything is perfectly laid out yet, I am so glad to FEEL EXCITED again! Its been so long. Its nice to be back. I am so grateful for all the things that have "fallen thru" lately.. they have all set me up for greatness. Opened a new door. The funny thing is, I had been receiving the notice from the Universe that something was coming for weeks, thru the sages and guides I have in my virtual world. I was ready and perfectly prepped.
If my relationship hadn't ended, I wouldn't have the clarity to see and accept this offer. If promises weren't left unfulfilled in my business relationships, I wouldn't have been open to a new offer. If I had been booked to the brim with clients, I wouldn't have had the time for self and business reflection that has lead me to this insanely cool group of successful business owners!
I am gratitude incarnate. I am especially grateful for the opportunity to address this journal again and grow into earning A Spirit of Love. If you read this, thank you. Thank you for allowing me to send this into the world.
May 30, 2011
Best Relationships
"Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship."
-Buddha
Im learning what it means to be healthy in all aspects of my life. Im learning humility and contentment means gratitude and unlocks the secrets of wealthy. I am learning what it means to have FAITH, in God, in people, in life.
Having faith in someone is so much more than believing in them. I believe my son has the ability to clean his room and can do a great job. I believe in him. Faith is more than even trusting him to clean his room when I ask him. Faith is knowing he will do the best thing for himself, for me, and for our family. Faith is letting him make his mistakes and figure it out on his own. I have faith in my God to provide for me, even if it isnt exactly the way I wanted it to turn out.
Im realizing how little faith Ive had in all my relationships. With God, with my family, with my friends, and in my romantic relationships. I dont PUT my faith in people. I emphasize the word PUT because it is ACTION. It is a DECISION I have to make. Without a conscious choice to PUT my faith into those around me, I am making an unconscious choice to tell them they aren't good enough. They aren't fulfilling me. They aren't worthy of my faith.
I am actually really excited about this lesson on Faith and my choices! It's my path to letting go and letting love. I put my faith in those around me and I feel safe enough to allow them their choices and mistakes. I love seeing them learn and grow as they feel free to BE, and they feel safe to return the love. And in the end, I am safe as I put my Faith in God. I know I will be provided for and that everything is for my greatest good. The path appears as I take my step. So I feel safe to let go and stop controlling every one and thing around me.
Im so excited to see the raise in vibration of myself and those around me when I put my faith in them! I am excited to create the best relationships!
-Buddha
Im learning what it means to be healthy in all aspects of my life. Im learning humility and contentment means gratitude and unlocks the secrets of wealthy. I am learning what it means to have FAITH, in God, in people, in life.
Having faith in someone is so much more than believing in them. I believe my son has the ability to clean his room and can do a great job. I believe in him. Faith is more than even trusting him to clean his room when I ask him. Faith is knowing he will do the best thing for himself, for me, and for our family. Faith is letting him make his mistakes and figure it out on his own. I have faith in my God to provide for me, even if it isnt exactly the way I wanted it to turn out.
Im realizing how little faith Ive had in all my relationships. With God, with my family, with my friends, and in my romantic relationships. I dont PUT my faith in people. I emphasize the word PUT because it is ACTION. It is a DECISION I have to make. Without a conscious choice to PUT my faith into those around me, I am making an unconscious choice to tell them they aren't good enough. They aren't fulfilling me. They aren't worthy of my faith.
I am actually really excited about this lesson on Faith and my choices! It's my path to letting go and letting love. I put my faith in those around me and I feel safe enough to allow them their choices and mistakes. I love seeing them learn and grow as they feel free to BE, and they feel safe to return the love. And in the end, I am safe as I put my Faith in God. I know I will be provided for and that everything is for my greatest good. The path appears as I take my step. So I feel safe to let go and stop controlling every one and thing around me.
Im so excited to see the raise in vibration of myself and those around me when I put my faith in them! I am excited to create the best relationships!
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