I have conflicts going on inside of me. When is it running away? When is it taking a stand for yourself and removing yourself from a negative situation? Please, someone comment with what you feel. My work has been miserable for about 6 months now. I have looked on and off for other jobs that entire time, always intending on leaving my current job when a better position opened up.
I didn't always feel this way. I was given a promotion that left me in the dark, not knowing when or how I was supposed to act. I am in limbo between management and servitude when it is convienent.
I've had enough!
June 30, 2009
June 24, 2009
To My Girl
You know who you are. You know why I am directing this entry at you! You are facing certain hardships in your life that I absolutely have experienced as well. And, like me, I know that you are an amazing, powerful woman totally capable of taking this on!
You are terrified to truly and deeply examine your life. Self-discovery was the most frightening thing in my life! I get the fears! I hid from everyone and everything in my life. I was rarely truly myself with those around me, no matter how much I loved them. Even when I thought I was being myself, I wasnt. I was so guarded! Insecure! Alone!
I learned that I was mostly hiding from myself. I did not want to look at myself so I would point the finger, quite literally, at every person around me. If I could convince myself everyone else was to blame, I didnt have to look at my shortcomings. I avoided taking a long, intense look at myself because I was afraid I wouldnt like what I had found.
I know all the times I hurt others. I know all the lies Ive told. I know all the judgments I immediately made on people, even those I love. Even if no one else in the world knew, I know. I thought if I examined my life, I would see that I was to blame. All I would see is the person I had grown to HATE. I hated my constant failures. I hated my lack of talent. I hated ME. Why would I ever want to have a meaningful relationship with that person??
The most amazing realization filled my heart and soul with song on the Friday of my life. I am NOT my judgments. I am NOT my experiences! I am NOT my pain. I am NOT my mistakes! I am NOT my family, or my image, or my future. I am NOT the walls I caked around me; I AM the DIVINE, PASSIONATE WOMAN INSIDE! I am completely separate from all the things I hated about myself. THEY ARE NOT ME! When I did truly remember who I am, I found out I am a part of that divine God who created me. I am in God and God is in me. I am That, and That is me! I am pure light and I CHOOSE who and what I am. I choose to be loving. I choose to be compassionate and free. Today, I choose to be me!
It seems almost silly now, that I was afraid of examining myself. When I closed myself off from me, I also closed off to God. I didnt allow myself to experience the unconditional love I have for myself and that God has for me. All Ive ever wanted is love. Its been there the whole time! All I had to do was accept it!
I want you to experience the wonderfulness inside of you! All it takes is to be willing to look deep down inside you, filter past the bullshit you cake on top, and choose to be the loving, pure child inside! I love you with all my heart. You truly are my girl and I am so blessed to have your love and support and acceptance in my life. Now you deserve to feel that too.
You are terrified to truly and deeply examine your life. Self-discovery was the most frightening thing in my life! I get the fears! I hid from everyone and everything in my life. I was rarely truly myself with those around me, no matter how much I loved them. Even when I thought I was being myself, I wasnt. I was so guarded! Insecure! Alone!
I learned that I was mostly hiding from myself. I did not want to look at myself so I would point the finger, quite literally, at every person around me. If I could convince myself everyone else was to blame, I didnt have to look at my shortcomings. I avoided taking a long, intense look at myself because I was afraid I wouldnt like what I had found.
I know all the times I hurt others. I know all the lies Ive told. I know all the judgments I immediately made on people, even those I love. Even if no one else in the world knew, I know. I thought if I examined my life, I would see that I was to blame. All I would see is the person I had grown to HATE. I hated my constant failures. I hated my lack of talent. I hated ME. Why would I ever want to have a meaningful relationship with that person??
The most amazing realization filled my heart and soul with song on the Friday of my life. I am NOT my judgments. I am NOT my experiences! I am NOT my pain. I am NOT my mistakes! I am NOT my family, or my image, or my future. I am NOT the walls I caked around me; I AM the DIVINE, PASSIONATE WOMAN INSIDE! I am completely separate from all the things I hated about myself. THEY ARE NOT ME! When I did truly remember who I am, I found out I am a part of that divine God who created me. I am in God and God is in me. I am That, and That is me! I am pure light and I CHOOSE who and what I am. I choose to be loving. I choose to be compassionate and free. Today, I choose to be me!
It seems almost silly now, that I was afraid of examining myself. When I closed myself off from me, I also closed off to God. I didnt allow myself to experience the unconditional love I have for myself and that God has for me. All Ive ever wanted is love. Its been there the whole time! All I had to do was accept it!
I want you to experience the wonderfulness inside of you! All it takes is to be willing to look deep down inside you, filter past the bullshit you cake on top, and choose to be the loving, pure child inside! I love you with all my heart. You truly are my girl and I am so blessed to have your love and support and acceptance in my life. Now you deserve to feel that too.
June 22, 2009
Letting Go of Judgment
I woke up between the two most beautiful people I have ever known-my son, Bug, and the Love of My Life. I laid there smiling at both of them, studying the curves of their faces, wanting to capture the moment. I thought about how I would draw this moment, a new pasttime Ive been enjoying. I thought about how a photograph would capture the pure love in both of their faces. Then I realized, this love is here to stay! I can experience this as often as I choose.
I love my family. I love the love and attention we can give to each other. Yet I yearn for an addition. Ive been seriously baby hungry for about 3 years now. I want a little girl more than anything else tangible in this world. I want that angel to be born into a loving and secure family. Can I provide that at this moment? You bet your ass. Are we married? Nope. Are we a healthy, secure family? More than ever.
I have held on to the fixed belief that I must be married to have a healthy family. A huge part of that belief has been because having another baby out of wedlock will attract all the judgments from my friends and family AGAIN. I lost most of my friends as a teenage mother. I sought their approval and acceptance and yet again, was denied.
I have let go of that judgment. I was the person judging me the most. And now, I know that I am whole and perfect. My family is whole and perfect and a baby will only add to that whenever it happens. With or without the approval of my family! I accept me!
I love my family. I love the love and attention we can give to each other. Yet I yearn for an addition. Ive been seriously baby hungry for about 3 years now. I want a little girl more than anything else tangible in this world. I want that angel to be born into a loving and secure family. Can I provide that at this moment? You bet your ass. Are we married? Nope. Are we a healthy, secure family? More than ever.
I have held on to the fixed belief that I must be married to have a healthy family. A huge part of that belief has been because having another baby out of wedlock will attract all the judgments from my friends and family AGAIN. I lost most of my friends as a teenage mother. I sought their approval and acceptance and yet again, was denied.
I have let go of that judgment. I was the person judging me the most. And now, I know that I am whole and perfect. My family is whole and perfect and a baby will only add to that whenever it happens. With or without the approval of my family! I accept me!
Undecided
I am not sure what I am going to do with the portfolio on here currently. I firmly believe that posting my work for all to view is absolutely beneficial and healthy! It is a stretch that has yielded amazing results. But now, I have a business where I can display my art and photography not only for viewing, but purchase! The peices that are currently displayed are no where near the quality and professionalism that I am capable of, and therefore an inaccurate representation.
Perhaps the photos will stay and this will become a writing portfolio. Perhaps the photos will be removed and new ones displayed. Or maybe, I will leave the portfolio out of it all and leave an open invitation for all to constantly check out my ever growing and expanding website!!!
Perhaps the photos will stay and this will become a writing portfolio. Perhaps the photos will be removed and new ones displayed. Or maybe, I will leave the portfolio out of it all and leave an open invitation for all to constantly check out my ever growing and expanding website!!!
This Is Another Miracle I Created
I am in the middle of a life altering training session that has consumed a huge portion of my time like the desert sucking every sweet nectar drop of the first rain. I also *officially* started my business, as some of you twitterheads might have seen. I am loving life in so many ways!! My family is whole again, and I can 100% positively say that is because I remembered I AM WHOLE!! I AM WHOLE AND I ALWAYS HAVE BEEN!!
I have been struggling with work, and a large portion of that is because I so desperately want to be a photographer full time and to be a stay-at-home mother. Another, older portion of not engaging at work has been my medical conditions. Yes, plural. Running even deeper, I struggle with the pure energy of my work. Its so entrenched with pain and sadness. Not one person will maintain eye contact with me. My ego-mind finds it so simple to jump back into my comfort zone of pity parties and excuses and pure laziness. My new sensitivity to energy and awareness of vibrations is a blessing, and Im realizing more and more each day how much gets to shift in my life.
I am excited to continue to create miracles in my life and in the life of my family! I am excited to cultivate healthy, deep relationships with those around me! My journey started a while before this blog record was kept, yet I had no idea how un-started it truly was! Now I know, my journey is kicking off hard, and as always, I AINT SEEN NOTHIN YET!!!
I have been struggling with work, and a large portion of that is because I so desperately want to be a photographer full time and to be a stay-at-home mother. Another, older portion of not engaging at work has been my medical conditions. Yes, plural. Running even deeper, I struggle with the pure energy of my work. Its so entrenched with pain and sadness. Not one person will maintain eye contact with me. My ego-mind finds it so simple to jump back into my comfort zone of pity parties and excuses and pure laziness. My new sensitivity to energy and awareness of vibrations is a blessing, and Im realizing more and more each day how much gets to shift in my life.
I am excited to continue to create miracles in my life and in the life of my family! I am excited to cultivate healthy, deep relationships with those around me! My journey started a while before this blog record was kept, yet I had no idea how un-started it truly was! Now I know, my journey is kicking off hard, and as always, I AINT SEEN NOTHIN YET!!!
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